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as no way i was going to get turtle to go along with it but to my surprise she was ready willing and able long as there was no photographic evidence dressed in shorts fuzzy striped colorful socks an alligator print blazer the only really fucking weird piece of clothing i have of my mother s with her hair also in lopsided pigtails with rosy freckled cheeks turtle looked like ella jayne s long lost sister hot fucking mess times two really wish i had not made a pinky swear to no photos so you could see for yourselves we planned to greet jodi that way because jodi loves her some ella jayne and let s face it i was looking for some of that great laughter from her she didn t know turtle was in town and was so shocked to see her there at my house she looked right through our ridiculous costumes she laughed but not like the typical oh my fucking hell squeal i expected once the shock wore off a bit and we ditched her old man with my old man the three of us sat at the dining room table talking drinking laughing and maybe recording this was much more tame than her usual back labor laughter because she knew i was recording her how can i not be crazy in love happy anniversary to my sweet beautiful crazy glue sister i love you more posted by lois lane 12 03 2012 10 15 00 am 32 comments tuesday october 23 2012 i get off great song by halestorm and conveniently fits the theme for what i am about to tell you family and squimish save yourselves now and do not read any further not sure what i was waiting for really what i expected anticipated and maybe even hoped for wasn t in the cards apparently i thought there should be some intensity in the moment i may have considered the notion that the gates of heaven could open and the light of the rapture would shine down upon me take me now sweet jesus my engines revved at the thought of what was about to happen and in an odd way i hoped it would be addictive plus if it was i was completely willing to forgo anything in my life fuck you a e s intervention when i say i d give anything including my eyesight i mean everything if there is an opportunity to be addicted to pleasure i was ready for it who wouldn t be like crack for your clit marijuana for your muff a bong for your beaver hook me up dear dealer this ol girl is in the prime of her life it was not so perhaps it was simply not meant to be a tingle warmth a feeling of something anything is this thing on i yelled to my nether region although i m unsure what the street value is on drugs i am smart enough to know if something natural or synthetic is going to cost me 32 00 for point 34 ounces it is going to take me for a ride and it better be good seriously 34 oz i expected my twat to trip the fuck out and yes i wanted a cool sensation of being in the swiss alps i mean shit if a york peppermint patty can do that for 50 cents it s the least i should presume right ky intense is supposed to make your toes curl guess what it doesn t and how do i know this like i said earlier i m in the prime of my life and a girl s gotta do what a girl s gotta do the instructions come with a diagram and i guess if you are not familiar with pussy you might need a map to find mt clitoris which is north of the cave of wonders at the top of labia lane no relation maybe that was all they meant when they said intense because let s face it if you never knew where that little mexican jumping bean was this shit would be intense and would curl your toes in the real world if you already can locate the clitoris that s all the intensity you ever really need and there s really no need for lube the vagina is in a way a self cleaning oven in that it doesn t need all those chemicals to get things cooking i am lois lane and i approve this message posted by lois lane 10 23 2012 05 29 00 pm 17 comments thursday june 21 2012 the house that built me a couple of days ago i was home ringing in my 40th birthday minding my own business when someone came to the door it was a man and woman he was holding a camera she was wearing a floppy sun hat they were both in their late 70s you gotta size people up before you randomly open a door for strangers even out here in the middle of nowhere seeing i could take them both i opened the door smiled and asked if i could help them they both started to talk nervously but excitedly words were flying on top of each other and i had no idea what they were saying i stepped out onto the porch she grabbed my arm and said she was sorry to barge in this way but was hoping i wouldn t mind her and her cousin taking photos of the outside of the house this house was built in 1860 being from chicago i was always taken aback by people who randomly stop by to talk to me a stranger but in the six years i ve been here it s happened a lot i have been in the garden and people literally driving by on lawn mowers has happened so many times have stopped to tell me they lived here in xxx year or like what we ve done to the place a couple from the suburbs stopped by think i blogged about them before who were just driving by and admired my garden and pergola so they thought they should stop and talk they did and we are still in touch as garden buddies many others have walked by saying they too have lived here or knew people who had once had a pizza delivered by a man who asked if he could come in and take a tour because this place was a real shithole when he lived here back in the late 60s when it was a two flat apartment shittiest house on the block maybe even in town i remember my first year here we were smack dab in the middle of building a wrap around front porch i ran to the little market to pick up a few things and two people in the store people i d never seen independently said porch is coming along very nicely oh you re the one who lives in the house where the porch is going up lookin good growing up in a big city these kinds of things just don t happen here in the sticks happens all the time so many construction projects have taken place in this old house even before we lived here which means not enough of it is original to get it on the national registry of historic places but i guess enough people lived here and knew others who did that it really doesn t need all the fanfare that comes with being on the registry i finally realized the treasure i live in and what better day than on my birthday to find out i told the lady she wasn t barging in and it was okay for them to photograph the house as he fidgeted with his camera she began to tell me about her great great grandfather who lived here in the 20s with a twinkle in her eyes and child like excitement in her voice her memories flowed that barn back there was there when i was a kid all of us kids used to go in there sit on the old tractor pretend we were driving and plowing the fields grandmother worked her garden right over here and she could grow anything there were two big oak trees over there guess they are long gone now i listened intently and she strolled down memory lane and he snapped picture after picture when he finished he stepped onto the porch with us he too had a lot of fond reminiscences to share but again they began speaking on top of each other s words as he mentioned their great aunt her bedroom was my bedroom when her beau would come to town from chicago she would sneak out of that bedroom window to meet him when he would visit and the law would come looking for him the girl and her mother would hide him in the floor boards of the attic because of his many disappearing acts he was denoted a nickname the ghost eventually she eloped with the gangster who ran with bugs moran he was his bodyguard he was the same bodyguard who was running late the night of the st valentine s day massacre in the late 1920s keeping bugs from being inside the warehouse when shots rang out the hit was rumored to be called by al capone bugs archenemy to say i was fascinated is an understatement my dreams have since been filled with images of myself climbing out of that window to meet some handsome bad boy from chicago the rat a tat tat of a hit is what awakens me i did invite them inside for coffee oddly enough i was drinking out of a birthday gift lane 2 bought for me the coffee mug has a pistol shaped handle and it says fuck you you fucking fuck fitting huh as they looked around more stories were told memories unfolded and smiles lit up each of these old rooms grandmother used to sit right here she said pointing there was a potbelly stove here she d sit on the end of the sofa and crochet the most intricate and beautiful blankets as she told me these stories she kept drawing her arms to her chest it was like she was physically drawing the memories to her heart was about the sweetest thing i have ever seen a grown woman do they stayed for more than an hour and she gave me the biggest hug when they left i listened as they walked back to their car they were gushing about their visit how many years over 50 had passed since they had been inside of the house and said how nice it was that a sweet person was taking care of grandpa s pride and joy it made my day listening to them and it made me appreciate this old house so much more posted by lois lane 6 21 2012 07 07 00 am 37 comments wednesday may 16 2012 mee ooow you all know what a brazilian is right you know how you go about getting one of these sphinx pussies right certainly there is more than one way to skin a cat ooh bad pun sorry the most common are self waxing salon waxing shaving and electrolysis personally i can t see letting my hooha out in public paying money to let some stranger play karate kid with a wax on wax off treatment while causing me quite a bit of pain and never mind the kind of positions you d have to get into for them to get every single hair but really that shit hurts and if you say it doesn t you re just a sadist and that is why self waxing is also out for me i am not into pain of any kind especially the self inflicted stuff and really who wants to even think about electro cunt i mean electrolysis i shave it doesn t hurt as long as i haven t overdone the coffee please don t get a visual especially by the time you reach the end of this post there is a great debate about the bald beaver some say it is too child like making the person who enjoys dabbling in it a pedophile i say that s bullshit to me just feels better cleaner and more sensitive and i dabble in my hot pocket plenty wait what some like to have a landing strip or a design so it still has a little something going on but ladies a vadge has always got something going on it really doesn t matter if it has hair or not it doesn t matter if you have designs cut into it like bobby brown s hair in the 80s a v or heart shape etc as long as you don t have a hip to hip fro it s all good some even think you can be too old to trade the carpet in for linoleum funny thing about that is nature makes enough fall out that you become baldish by default eventually anyhow for some that is even before gray pubes start popping so whether you are for or against clean shaven cooches please note i have a point i just haven t reached it yet brazilian we know the meaning of the word so why when we see a product called nair brazilian spa clay wouldn t we think it is made to trim the trim in an easier pain free at home setting that is what we would and should think right well my friends i am here barely living proof to tell you that is not what the product is for unless you want a flaming fish taco one might think to actually read the instructions and warnings on the label even if they are in the finest of fine print and then there s me get your glasses on and read the label before putting this napalm on your meat curtains or your puckered poo hole holy mother of fuck i wonder if this is what the clap feels like it certainly has a fiery sting down stairs singing johnny cash s ring of fire in my head right now besides the fact that now due to an allergic reaction it looks like i need to invest in proactiv panties do they make those for the pimply assed it didn t even take all the hair off i am pretty sure my snatcharoo isn t made of steel wool yet for whatever reason i look like i ve got a case of chemo crotch patches of hair clung to my cave of wonders as well as to the convenient sponge i won t even go into the thoughts i have about a reusable snatch sponge because you all know what kind of bacteria a dish sponge can hold honestly my butt cheeks felt like i d drank a bottle of tequila while eating a platter of spicy mexican food the night before we all have a little butt fuzz right if you don t please lie to me those mexican folks must have colons of steel i mean ay caramba my asshole sure felt like a god damn piñata that had just been cracked open and i had to see but without a mirror handy i had to improvise while still naked and bowlegged i squatted as low as i could go i bent over craned my neck far as i could because i was certain flames no no white hot flames should be flying out of that general area but due to my lack of flexibility i was unable to see what clearly must look like it had been beaten with a stick in a way i was hoping candy was going to fall out of my piñata poop chute where was i if you want to have a chemo crotch and a burning bung go ahead use that shit but i won t make that same mistake twice it works just fine on the tuff muff part but don t let it touch those tender lips or go anywhere near the crack so true about crack killing incidentally now if you ll please excuse me i think i need to go ice my asshole posted by lois lane 5 16 2012 04 20 00 pm 14 comments friday may 11 2012 mother s day date with lane 1 crazy moments of cuteness just don t come along often enough when it comes to lane 1 he ll be 20 in a month god where does time go he isn t around very often but when he is that boy just melts his ol ma s heart yesterday he took me on an early mother s day date it was a great day weather was perfect and all conditions were right due to recent rainfall we went for a hike that went on for miles and miles for hours and hours we went up and down hill over the river and through the woods literally over the rough terrain he kept reaching out for my hand to help me or asked if i was okay i remember doing the same to him when he was a little guy man how times change even on our way out the door he reminded me to wear shoes i don t care about since they d probably get muddy the whole time in the car there and while hiking he told me stories about things he and his buddies have done and told me about places they ve been he even asked if i minded his choice of music in the car he s growing up so fast we climbed and talked did i mention he even turned his cell phone off and stuck it in his pocket he actually wanted to talk to his mom we joked around making fun of each other we laughed and walked into the mud onto the rocks and then as the day was coming to a close one of us fell waist deep into the wa...
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