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Text of the page (random words):
ong as i live i don t think i ever will we lived together for 10 years how did i not see i have lost most of my friends my family told me to get on with it a month after my divorce i ve tried a few therapists but it s all the same i don t need to talk about my childhood or how i ended up in that relationship how does that help me other than to perpetuate the feeling that it s all my fault that makes them no better than my ex who blamed me for his behaviour how did i become the scapegoat i had a great childhood a stable family life i was probably too young when i met my ex and i hadn t had any real relationships before him so i didn t have anything to compare it to i have a lot more good days now than bad my role as a mother is the only thing that keeps me going i don t care about anything else if i can get out of bed then that s a bonus i guess i just need someone anyone to empathise fuck even a break up on it s own would get more sympathy then i ve gotten i feel so invisible worthless what is the point really and this is just the beginning the issues are relatively small now i have to deal with that fucker for the rest of my life facing him is so traumatic on so many levels and i can t pretend anymore that it s ok the things that i found out he did make my skin crawl the things i don t know keep me awake at night i m so scared i m scared of what he s capable of i feel victimised over and over again every time it hurts so so much and it s not getting better i could go on and on but it s pointless really this is the situation i m in and there s nothing i can do to change it this has happened to me this is happening to me if there s anyone out there who has the misfortune of reading this i m sorry posted by sabine at 20 01 4 comments tuesday 1 january 2013 2013 is anyone out there i m here still alive still breathing i have never been happier to see a year end 2012 can kiss my ass a friends asked me what i did on new year s last year and i honestly cannot remember i have blocked out so many things due to trauma and stress this past year i have been through more than i ever thought i could tolerate or survive but i m here i m ok mostly in four days time c will be 2 years old she is very much not a baby anymore but a funny cheeky energetic little girl i am so so proud of her she starts playgroup this month too and i m so excited for her she is such a sociable little girl i m really starting to get the hang of the single parenting thing at first i was so resentful and sometimes still am he gets no responsibility and i get it all but i just kept reminding myself that i wouldn t have it any other way i managed to get her in her own bed and sleeping mostly through the night which has been absolutely life changing also i no longer have to lie with her till she falls asleep so i am slowly but surely getting some me time back my ex is still a seriously sick puppy and is therefore extremely unreliable he cancels seeing her at the very last minute and also goes months without any contact with her at all unfortunately she is incredibly attached to him and still asks for him etc we went to her friend s birthday party and his dad looks a little similar to hers she saw him and got so excited and started shouting papa papa when she realised it wasn t him she cried i hated him more for that moment than anything he has ever done to me he has seen her 3 times in the past couple of weeks so i never know what to expect with him despite it all c is a very well adjusted confident and happy little girl i hope that lasts i will do anything to see that child happy and secure here s to a better year sabine posted by sabine at 20 18 4 comments thursday 6 september 2012 divorce was granted this morning i am so relieved it was quick and it s over i am so very tired sabine posted by sabine at 14 18 4 comments saturday 16 june 2012 reality he s gone to rehab i ve asked for a divorce the reality is he never stopped his behaviour the lies he s been telling me i hope for his sake and our daughter s sake that he gets clean and stays there because this is seriously one fucked up disease he has literally lost everything and for what i have decided i choose to not be the victim anymore not to him and not to this fucking disgraceful illness that i never asked to be a part of i just can t live like this so that s it this is terrifying heartbreaking unbelievable my poor baby when did her dad become someone i need to protect her from i m so grateful for her she makes me smile every day she is my reason for getting out of bed and most of all she is my reason for my decision to leave i hope one day she will understand and forgive me i hope posted by sabine at 16 10 4 comments saturday 26 may 2012 gone he s gone i don t even know where he left this morning and not on good terms i called my newly found therapist and went to see her straight away she specialises in addiction and she is great the realisations i ve made in two sessions are more than in the past 8 months just goes to show how important it is to go to the right person especially when it comes to this someone who really knows and understands the very complicated disease called addiction i also realise i have many unhealthy addictions of my own i am co dependent to such a level that i have stayed in a situation which is not good or healthy for me i have ignored myself and what i believe i have compromised my value system i also own up to some not very nice treatment of my husband over many years in other words i used my own lack of self worth to excuse my behaviour live in denial and worst of all project that all onto my husband and as an excuse to tolerate escalating unacceptable behaviour there s a lot of work to be done a lot and i m so scared i want to forgive and forget again i want to go back into denial accept the bad behaviour just to have him near just so i don t have to be alone we spoke a lot about what s keeping me from facing up to the truth why i am trying to keep up a facade that everything is perfect when it s so obviously not i don t know if any of this even makes sense but i have to get it out so i will start here put the words on paper have other people know my dirty little secret i need to find me again not protect him illusions and an unhealthy relationship i m so afraid of judgment the truth the end result most of all i am so so so ashamed i am sabine i am the co dependant of a sex addict posted by sabine at 14 14 6 comments tuesday 22 may 2012 everything changes everything stays the same hi i feel like i m new at this it s been that long i keep meaning to update bla bla usual excuses but a lot has been happening we moved we tried well i did but hey who knew one person trying just isn t enough different place same old thing addict s an addict i guess took him a whole two months and of course the marriage failure is my fault because i asked him to leave never mind what he did to make me finally do that after all this time i m so tired so tired my poor poor poor little girl i blame myself for it all i seriously have no idea how we got here it is completely absolutely mind boggling i don t see any light at the end of this tunnel i may delete this post soon or at least edit it it s just too raw right now but i thought it was only fair to update that is if anyone is still out there sabine posted by sabine at 06 03 7 comments monday 2 january 2012 sad so so incredibly sad that is all posted by sabine at 00 43 5 comments monday 19 december 2011 a break from doom and gloom inspired by marcia hope you don t mind me linking to you just watched the cutest video of her gorgeous kids and it reminded me of a video of baby c from a couple of months ago which just makes me laugh hope it has the same effect on you things are pretty tough at home i m the saddest i think i ve ever been i thank g d for c every day it s solely because of her that i get up get dressed and laugh every day she is at such a cute age and is very funny and strong willed she is also very independent and if i take her to a party or a playgroup she is off and playing without so much as a backwards glance she says mama dada baba up and if i sing or hum she sings along with me every time so sweet i just cannot believe she will be 1 year old in less than a month hope you are all well and gearing up for the holiday season removed p s please excuse her hair she d just pulled her ponytail out a few minutes before posted by sabine at 14 59 3 comments wednesday 7 december 2011 back after 3 weeks away a little longer than expected due to a delayed flight and a strike i m back but not for long we are moving back to sa for now all of us we have talked about it and talked about it for years well the time is now i can t live here anymore isolated from my family especially now especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next the last thing i want is to be stuck here a single parent never being able to go home again this is a very very scary decision for me i m witless with terror what has become of my life i don t know how i got here last night i had a nightmare it was so vivid in the nightmare i had known things about my husband and what he s done for years that i had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn t happen i was so cross with myself that i had forgotten what i knew when i woke up i realised it was true i must be sicker than i thought such was the level of my denial as soon as i woke up i literally began to become flooded with memories memories i had buried so deep that i forgot they existed how scary is that how does that even happen so i have a lot to deal with about myself too and i have a lot of blame to shoulder this was my choice sabine posted by sabine at 13 57 3 comments wednesday 9 november 2011 running away i really appreciate all your comments so thank you very much for taking the time to write them i ve decided i need space and time to think so i m running away back home and taking c with me we leave tomorrow i still haven t packed and i dread to think of the 11 5 hour flight ahead of me with a very inquisitive and restless 10 month old but right now it seems the least of my problems i don t know how i m going to make a decision i really don t part of me thinks if i wanted to give up i d already be gone but then i remember my plan of not making any hasty decisions for c s sake i know time is supposed to heal everything but to be honest as time goes on the worse i feel i think this is because whatever ounce of denial i had is fast disappearing like being yanked out of a dream world and into reality and also the more i think about it the more the enormity of the situation sinks in it is a very very scary place to be never in a million years did i think i would ever be in this situation if you knew my husband and our relationship neither would you and because you all shared your bottom line it s only fair i share mine cheating i always said i would leave immediately no second thought if this has taught me anything it s never to set a bottom line because nothing is black and white no just a huge overwhelming spectrum of grey sabine xx p s theluckylife i can t see your email address please send xx posted by sabine at 16 49 4 comments friday 4 november 2011 so thanks for your comments i read them with huge huge gratitude i know i m being cryptic but i just can t share the full story yet so i will give a hypothetical i hope you don t mind and please bare with me of course it s not the real story and i can t go into full detail but the principles are similar i am lost lost lost drowning i need opinions based on more information the thing that spoke to me most from your comments was the trust thing and there is good reason for this what if my bottom line was blurred by extenuating circumstances let s say the story goes like this your partner has an addiction it could be to anything drugs sex alcohol gambling pornography anything the addiction isn t the point it s what the addiction leads to lying cheating infidelity debt one or more of these things as a result trust is not just broken it s obliterated let s say you found out your partner was a whole different person with a whole different life and you never knew let s say your partner admitted the problem wants help is desperate lost scared broken rock bottom tired of lying to everyone and themselves too makes every effort to get help to make a change to open up to you you have lost everything everything but there is still love there is a child and there is a real commitment to change but he will always be an addict the problem will never ever ever go away simply managed the damage already caused is so extreme it seems insurmountable would you try then would you stay and what if the reason for the addiction was so heinous so unimaginable a childhood beyond belief abuse abandonment lack of love instability a lifetime of hurt you feel sorry for that person you feel sorry for the innocent child they were but you feel scared for the person they have become would you try then would you stay i know this isn t an eloquently put post it s difficult to write it like this without full disclosure trying to skirt around issues false or not maybe one day when i am stronger i can speak about this openly in the meantime please what do you think you would do sabine xxx posted by sabine at 12 39 6 comments wednesday 2 november 2011 what is your bottom line random post but wondering what is your bottom line in terms of ending a marriage i know not a nice thing to think about but i always used to think i would know mine no areas of grey and now i m at a crossroads i e under what circumstances would you definitely leave your husband without a second thought if he was abusive mentally physically or sexually if he was dishonest big lies not small ones if he cheated on you if he had an addiction which was out of control if he was a thief if he was a criminal what if there was a good reason for his behaviour past trauma mental illness abuse etc what if you thought he could change and he wants to change what if you still love each other what if you have children together disclaimer i m not saying any or all of these have happened to us but i was just wondering what makes a marriage end what is your bottom line sabine p s how sad that just 10 months after having a baby together this is the type of post i would be writing never in a million years did i see this coming really posted by sabine at 23 39 7 comments tuesday 1 november 2011 biting thanks for the words of support on my last post we are trying to work things out and getting some outside help too but it s not good at the moment an understatement perhaps last week i really thought it was over and i was going to become a single parent this week i m hoping we can work it out but really my feelings change from hour to hour from day to day exhausting on another note i just came from a good friend s house she and anot...
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