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ime evermore and on that note i ll bid you goodbye proud that i managed to create such a circular narrative hook in the blog around paul s bum jx standard posted by chubbycubs posted on march 1 2023 posted under florida travel writing of planes not trains and automobiles hiya cath i ve found with writing the blog that if i stick to a schedule i pressure myself with writing and it stops being fun and i love writing i ve always got so much to say but equally i m forever conscious that some people just want a recipe and don t want to have to trough through 3 000 words about the time i saw a bee and i love bees so going forward i am going to split the lengthy writing bits out from food recipes and hopefully if you see a blog article come sailing into your inbox with the writing suffix you ll give that a read who can say with our recent trip abroad i m positively leaking with things to talk about and although i m saying right here right now that i categorically will not be blogging the entire trip because lord knows you know me well enough to realise i ll do three days and then stop however because the more things change the more they stay the same i will do the time honoured twochubbycubs tradition of typing up the initial travel bit enjoy our floridian odyssey began at exactly 4am on saturday morning usually you d find us absolutely catatonic at this point of the day so to see us bright eyed and bushy tailed would be a shock our own bushy tailed wonderdog was staying with my parents i should add lest we get anyone thinking we d left him at home with eighty seven tins of pedigree chum and a guide on how to use the thermostat my parents love him and spoil him rotten although they take great pains to make the whole thing seem like a terrible inconvenience lest we get ideas above our station and disappear on holiday for six months i think my mother likes someone to chat with who doesn t answer back and who also runs his arse along the carpet a lot less than my dad it s hard to say 4am faces delighted we were up at this ungodly hour because our taxi was due at 5am and i needed to start my holiday with a solid hour of stressing that the taxi driver wouldn t turn up and we d be stranded forever i mean we could have left our car at the airport but as i haven t won the euromillions since i last spoke to you this wasn t going to happen being up this early did give me the opportunity to make sure the house was utterly sparkling and clean in case any burglars broke in and judged us harshly on skidder mountain in the toilet or the state of our valances which was nice and in an unexpected twist our taxi driver actually turned up on time what he didn t do however was wake up now you mustn t get me wrong he was very polite especially in the face of our own barely concealed excitement and he didn t even wince when paul shut the passenger door with so much vim that i m surprised it didn t carry through a full 360 degrees on its hinge and smack him on the arse but there was definitely something awry by way of illustration we set off along the country roads from our house to the airport and had managed a good two miles before i suggested that it might be wise to actually put the headlights on given travelling by the light of the moon only usually works well for bats he chuckled as though indulging me a trivial fuss and lit up the road now you would think this would make it easier to see where he was going apparently not i m not sure if he was trying to acclimatise us to driving on the right but i reckon we spent a good 70 of that journey drifting over to the wrong side of the road then sharply pulling back into the correct lane with a whoops or a steady now or perhaps more alarmingly a sudden snort as though he was waking up from a deep sleep at one point i considered reaching over and offering to take the wheel if he concentrated on the pedals but of course we re british we d rather die in a burning accordion of car than ever look rude instead i tried to engage him in ever more loud conversation which reached a veritable crescendo of what s it like working for blueline then and gosh this is a nice car isn t it driver and no i used to be a lawyer but now i write full time it s a living ha ha christ mind that speed bump as we pulled into the airport treating the mini roundabout as an optional aside i left him a tip 7 5mg of zopiclone i m kidding of course we paid in full and left an excellent rating because we aren t arseholes and anyway now at the airport the holiday had officially started we are on a bit of a mission to accumulate air miles at the moment and because we re grasping status whores we wanted to maintain our position with british airways and so it was with them we flew first down to london heathrow and then onto orlando see that s the difficulty with having newcastle as your local airport unless you re going off to spain on a cigarette buying run or you fancy a weekend in omsk you re going to have to commute down to a bigger airport that s no shade at newcastle airport though it s a great airport for turning up an hour before your flight and not having to worry about being stuck in security you know what else i love greggs wanted to open a store airside but newcastle airport said they d need to increase the price of their food to make the airport more revenue greggs refused to rip folks off and so opened a store landside instead meaning you can take your sausage rolls through security we took advantage of the priority pass doohickey which i get with my american express to get into the aspire lounge for free after a brief but exhilarating moment where i called some puffing old businessman out for jumping the queue he didn t even try and do it subtly just breezed past everyone with that self important air of someone who spends a good ten hours of the day turning scarlet at articles he reads in the times i do hope his free omelette had a bit of eggshell in it to tear up his hoop on the way out the aspire lounge isn t bad for a local airport lounge and we spent a pleasant enough hour trying to attend to the buffet as many times as possible without people thinking we were greedy fat pigs i m not one for breakfast as a rule but stick some bacon under a heat lamp which i think they did back in 1987 judging by the fact i could shave with the bacon and i m there there was an amazingly beautiful man stalking about looking thoroughly sick of his life between long visits to the toilet to vape i know he was secretly vaping because i went in after him and it was like pooping in a mango flavoured shuttle launch we drank about eighteen litres of coffee and then took our very short flight down the country it really is short it feels as though you barely get time to have a borrower sized packet of tyrells and a bottle of water that would struggle to extinguish a lit match thrown at you before the plane is descending and everyone is fussing about with their tray tables and pretending they don t have any spare change for the charity envelopes we arrived safely made our way through heathrow and went to try and find our bus well after a moment to pose i m only including this photo which i wouldn t usually because i ve got my b m glasses on because of the lady growing out of my shoulder yes bus in a break with our usual tradition of clattering our suitcase sides off the ankles of various londoners standing on the wrong side of the escalators and taking a moment at the top of those very same escalators to exclaim loudly how rude folks from the south are compared to us northerners we decided to get the national express bus from heathrow to gatwick rather than the train into london and out i say we decided we actually only realised we needed to do this when i took a second a couple of days prior to departure to realise we were flying from gatwick and not heathrow how we laughed when we discovered that faux pas i can tell you to compound the issue the trains were on strike well the train drivers were on strike not the trains you d never get a whole 387 2 electrostar on a picket line you silly goose how would it hold a sign sometimes you just don t think these things through tsk so it was onto the coach you must understand that i don t have any issue with taking a bus i really don t and paul and i have had some very good times indeed on a coach i tugged him off on a megabus to newcastle for one don t judge too harshly i d sat on my game boy advance sp and broke the hinge and there was little else to do i should say the bus was almost empty and it s a long long journey it has given us the unfortunate side effect of a rush of blood to the head every time we see that bloody megabus face looming over us on the motorway mind none of that funny business on this trip though we ve been together sixteen years now and anyway it was a national express there s standards to uphold now i only mention this little trip because it felt like the fates were conspiring against us we for the few weeks prior to the holiday had been very careful who we were in close proximity with masks in public hand sanitiser everywhere keeping things strictly to one hole we were determined to minimise the risk of covid derailing our plans again and despite being fully vaccinated and all that sensible stuff there was always a chance well we needn t have bothered this bus was full of folks wheezing and spluttering and honestly if it had pulled into the hospital for tropical diseases halfway through the trip to offload most of the passengers in bodybags i wouldn t have batted an eye we were sat in the middle and the passengers in front to the side and behind us weren t so much coughing as trying to bring their lungs up for a closer examination you know when someone looks sickly and pale and one cold snap away from rolling a seven and joining the invisible choir imagine that but across an entire bus paul had to hold me back from checking with the driver that we weren t on a pilgrimage to lourdes you can imagine then how well i coped with this nothing soothes my health anxiety more than feeling someone else s spittle pooling on the back of my neck i put my mask on and tried a breathing exercise that was not breathing in for the entirety of the one hour journey save for tiny sips of air i m probably one of the only people to ever alight from a national express coach with the bends it was just relentless one passenger would spend a solid five minutes trying to hack up a ball of flob only to be die off and allow another traveller to take up the task in hand with gusto i knew immediately that there was simply no way we d be getting off this bus without at least tuberculosis nevermind bloody covid but as it happens we sailed through the entire holiday without so much as a sniffle take that science arriving at gatwick with cobalt lips we spent a night eating marks and spencer snacks at the gatwick hilton a real downgrade on what we were gobbling the night before our trip to canada five years previous alas and then made our way the next day to our orlando flight oh top tip if you re going out of gatwick and trying the lounges swerve the aspire lounge and head to the my lounge instead they ve got an outdoor smoking area which overlooks where lots of security blokes in hi viz go to smoke and that was a delight in and of itself but if you need further temptation know this it has a nacho station with pourable melted cheese i was feeling a bit full from my previous breakfast so in a rare moment of self possession i didn t partake but i know it s there for next time we boarded with minimal fuss taking a second to capture what we looked like before eight hours of air travel aged us beyond all recognition stunning and brave i should point out that i have four of those white t shirts i m not a total scruff paul is though our flight over was terrific eight hours is about the perfect amount of time for a flight i find it gives you enough room to spend an hour to keep glancing fitfully at the curtain to see when the meal is coming spend another hour or so to eat the meal and pick over your partner s leftovers that s a one way only deal though i love aeroplane food so much i surprise myself when i don t eat the tray it comes on burn another two hours for a movie you ve already seen because you don t want to run the risk of wasting two hours on something awful i watched brenda s diary still think she should have picked daniel cleaver take an hour of trying to sleep but the second you nod off you know they ll bring snacks round so you never truly nod off wasting another hour spent watching the same couple of episodes of television you ve already seen because well see above and two hours made up of various ten minute blocks of farting quietly into your seat cushion farting extravagantly into your seat cushion because you forget you ve got noise cancelling earbuds in accidentally farting into your partner s seat cushion as you climb over in your haste to get to the toilet looking anxiously out of the window to make sure the engine isn t on fire and wings are still attached opening your phone to look at all the games you downloaded to keep you busy but you know you ll never play walking down the cabin so you can look at the folks in economy with a pained oh but what a frightful affair travel has become face before returning to your premium economy seat to really get the value out of that extra four inches of fart soaked cushion looking at the map and seeing although you ve been flying for approximately eighty seven hours you ve just passed over wolverhampton though to be fair if you listen hard enough you can hear them shrieking about the sky dragon flying over even at 34 000ft turning to your husband and making the same when are we gonna get to the firewooooorks factory at least seven times and visiting the bathroom for a poo even if you don t need one just to break up the flight mind we were only in premium economy because we got a bloody good deal now that paul isn t technically considered as heavy freight we are more than comfortable in economy so that jibe above isn t meant as any sort of slight we flew first class once and i spent most of the time texting and getting pissed which was delightful but i can do that anywhere won t pretend it wasn t a lovely feeling turning left like one thing which was utterly wonderful though on both the outbound and inbound flight was the staff british airways gets somewhat of a bad rap online for having a reputation for somewhat standoffish flight crew but i ve never found that after we had taken off one of the flight attendants came over with our drinks and got chatting we mentioned in passing not in the hope of getting freebies that this was our anniversary holiday and how excited we were for all of the rollercoasters she spent an age giving us tips and tricks for the parks and you know when someone is just so wonderfully enthusiastic they re a delight to listen to that was...
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