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Text of the page (random words):
all of your stories i am no longer afraid of the grief it doesn t have the power to terrify me yes it sweeps me under some days it made me apart for some months it probably has made me physically at times and certainly contributed to me dropping a few balls at work and at home i wouldn t wish it on anyone but i am not afraid of it either no doubt this journey has pierced me to the core but i know this thing called grief so much better from having seen it up close and far away from so many angles and through so many view points so thank you i truly believe our little community here has also helped me to be able to stand in the face of enormous grief in others and see the worry on the faces and in the hearts of friends and community member without flinching without trying to fix it without trying to make it go away i couldn t have done that 10 years ago but after watching everyone here share our stories for so many years i can stand on my friends porch and listen to anything she wants to say her truth can not scare me because i know she and i and so many of my friends will walk similar roads we will hurt but we will be okay we are not strong or amazing or worthy of i just don t know how you do it i could never endure that we were those things before and after and of course during for me i find the awe and strength when i see people stand up and being present for each other when they are being asked by circumstance to endure heartache thank you for helping me becoming able to do that and thank you all for helping me on this journey these past 7 years posted in finding my way tagged gratitude grief joy reflection 3 comments may 24 2014 by circlesbecomeme three betas each one different from the first its been a whirlwind month i think i have underplayed in my real life how much has happened in only a month negative beta on the 2nd packed up my house flew to england shipped all my belongings to nz left italy started a long distance period with my husband only 4 months to go putting finishing touches on my business website before it goes live arrived in america for a few weeks catching up with friends and family before immigrating back to nz so in short closed a lot of chapters in my life and started a big limbo phase before i have a home and career of my own firmly established again i also thought i was going to lose my mind that first week of may that negative hit me harder than any of the others i just remember collapsing to the ground and crying for about 2 days straight all my people were out of town i just curled up and sobbed not for a few hours but for a few days and then i went still so still and then a week later i popped out like a person sucked under the white water gasping for breath blinking at the light and mostly that was that hubris i know but honestly i think i have been coping and grieving and anticipating this for so many months okay let s be honest years the process feels different now the first negative back in 2008 held me down for nearly 2 years i retreated from social life for at least a year i spent 2 years throwing my heart and soul into rowing to try to beat back my demons but this time it was different then it was so many loses on top of each other that i would never be able to pass on my genes that this cycle didn t work there was no next step that my long term plan of moving to nz as a place to have and raise kids was null and void and that there was no future options with in our reach it wasn t a single beta it was the only beta it is different now i know i can happily live without kids the salt is still there but i know i can do it i know i have options at least for a few years money can be exchanged for another chance plus there are 2 embryos waiting for me i have had the luxury of starting my if journey in my 20s i have had more time to process and take all this on board the clock is only now starting to tick more furiously for me i had the better part of a decade to come to terms with all of this i am not going to say i was exactly lucky but i am grateful that this journey wasn t all squeezed into my 30s so while this last beta was darker harder and more intense than any of the others the duration was much swifter not that i didn t cry a bit when i brought my two rocks back from spain home to oregon but they were from my beach day the day after the transfer i have been carrying them with me through the 2 week wait then i added the hearts and monday i will pass them on to someone else this slideshow requires javascript i don t need keepsakes i just needed to take a moment to say yes we tried thank you we will still wait to see what our future holds posted in finding my way 1 comment may 7 2014 by circlesbecomeme a bit better today i haven t cried yet today laundry and teaching is happening i have less than 2 weeks in italy the sun is shining and in general things are better posted in finding my way tagged day by day restarting 1 comment may 4 2014 by circlesbecomeme aftermath i managed to sleep three times each time for 3 hours in so many ways i am in a much better position that i was the other two negatives i have an exciting plan ahead of me travel international move back to a country i love starting a new business etc and i know i have 2 embryos on ice that i can come back for in spain next year when i save up money logically it will be easier not to juggle a pregnancy during the first year of business but my heart has never hurt as bad as this time it scares me how bad it hurts i know stats don t work this way but donor eggs are suppose to have the highest odds possible for ivf we have done 3 rounds the last with 2 embryos i just feel like maybe there is something wrong with me that i should have researched the clinic better that i should have been more proactive about something i just went with the flow to make my stress levels lower and now i doubt that it just feels so cruel how with this one blow i want it even more but also feel that this is yet another sign that i have to start building a life that at its core can be good enough so fulfil me as a non parent my friends back home keep asking what about adoption and i just don t know how to tell them that the odds are even lower for me when it comes to that we don t have the money and i almost feel like i would need to move back to the usa to make that work and that would require me to give up starting up my own business right now the states just looks too hard to do what i want to do the word never just is on repeat in my head when will i accept that this is never going to happen i can t help it its been there since i was 19 but never as loud as this posted in finding my way tagged crushed dreams failure losing hope 1 comment may 3 2014 by circlesbecomeme 5 minute intervals i feel asleep and it was heaven but the i was woken up at 3 and i just sit as wave after wave hits me i look at the clock now and then another 5 minutes passed part of me just wants this night to be over part of me just can t bare the thought of morning arriving i am so bored but nothing meets the bar for being worthy enough to do and as exhausted as i am i know sleep won t come yup another 5 minutes passed as i wrote this posted in finding my way 1 comment results cycle 3 negative may 3 2014 by circlesbecomeme image 3 comments may 1 2014 by circlesbecomeme public holidays delays my little happy corner where there is no packing debris and only happy objects so i was sitting here feeling a bit proud that i made it to the eve of the beta in one piece i have packed most of my house in the last few days my new business website is nearly ready to go live if only i could get the bloody trademark office website to work for me sorry i guess i am not all zen about everything and over all i have had more good days than freak out days these past two weeks i even had a moment of thinking oh look tomorrow my husband isn t working he can go with me to the beta but uh no i finally got around to going to checking and yes the lab will very much be closed tomorrow labor day means no beta for me tomorrow so friday it is i get one more day not to fret and to just be it is strange for me as i approach the beta i get calmer and calmer but earlier on i am a mess a sloppy mood swinging super mess but at the moment i really am not fretting much i know when i leave italy i know that i am already pregnant or not by now i feel much better physically than last cycle in which i felt basically 2 weeks of pms cramps bloating and general pain and more than anything i have just felt happy for the last 2 days we will see thanks to everyone who is reading along with me posted in finding my way tagged beta cycle 3 reflecting leave a comment april 30 2014 by circlesbecomeme support in surprising places last week my husband and i were talking about passwords with a friend yes that internet breech that sparked a lot of talk and sadly not enough action but i have a house to pack and an international move to coordinate at the moment many of my accounts are going to be closed soon anyway but i digress he said i really love your circle blah blah blah which following on from a rather ranchy conversation earlier in the evening didn t exactly sound right but then he elaborated he was talking about this space and how much he loved the handle i choose for this space circlesbecomeme when i started blogging i named my first blogger account smiling scar and called myself clare then i moved over to wordpress to have the option of password protecting some posts an option i nearly never use but still i wanted the option so when i made that move i created a new handle for this space i updated the theme once too and lost the ability to use my own photo as the header without paying but him mentioning that he liked that little choice i made well it just made my day so many people have helped and supported me along this journey and what ever the beta results tomorrow i know i will still be surrounded by love and support posted in finding my way 1 comment april 28 2014 by circlesbecomeme what to do when waiting i feel like i have been waiting awhile a year for the move to italy to happen 3 for the phd to be over for this limbo year to be done and now a few more days of a 2 week wait i leave italy in less than a month i was starting to pack and that felt useful turns out my boxes aren t 10 kg as my husband confidently estimated nope they are more like 25 which means they all must be repacked these little minor setbacks are really hitting me hard paralyzing me all i did today was passively watch tv and movies i just want to kill time i feel guilty that i have 3 weeks in italy and i wasted yet another one just hiding in bed thursday should be the beta but it s a public holiday here so i probably have to wait another day i was trying to tell a friend that i feel like i am walking towards my execution i obviously don t mean that but the cycle and the move and my life of getting a paycheck from an agency instead of my new goal of working for myself basically life as i know it is dramatically changing soon and my friend just said you don t think you are being just a bit dramatic there of course i agreed verbally and apologized while stealing myself against the tears fuming at myself for so quickly denying what i feel and willing myself to promise myself to never again mention how deeply shaken i am at the moment but it doesn t change how i feel and just how scared i am that all of this will ended up being just an exercise to prove to myself that at least i tried that i let myself have a chance and was willing to really fight for it oh this is going to hurt so much on friday if it doesn t work i have let it be more than my hopes for the future but also all the things i have given up this past year to have this chance and what to do with myself for the next few days with all my closest friends here away on vacation posted in finding my way 3 comments april 22 2014 by circlesbecomeme number game and pronouns my husband today summed up the cycle as we rolled the dice again and on so many levels this is true it is a numbers game percentages and probabilities emotional and financial costs and of course the trade offs that come with balancing working towards multiple futures on multiple fronts and not feeling split this slideshow requires javascript spending a full four days in spain before returning to real life was great i personally am so glad that i am not squeezing in this transfer between standard work week demands i will always have a great four days with a dear friend to remember even if this cycle doesn t work but i also keep coming back to this moment where the biologist asked in spanish whether i was okay with transfering two it went something like we d like to go ahead and transfer two frozen embryos assuming you are willing to accept the possibility of twins i had always told myself the eset was the right choice for me and yet here i was saying yes two putting two in i know so many of the risks and joys that could entail of course i accept them mostly i associate joy with twins i have been a key back up adult for one mom with twins and consider her kids nephews i envy some of my adult friends and their connection to their twin given how my brother and i dearly love each other but don t really know what to do with each other i also am nervous i have had many twins on my caseload as a person who works in disability services i have watched friends weather nicu stays and worse i have taken lots of early childhood histories from families that include one off lines like well k was the surviving triplet and then the mother just keeps pouring out the story for me without even a moment for me to catch my breath at the profoundness of what i was just told so i try to just relax and think please stay with me i welcome you i hold you i already am starting to love you each time i touch my belly and i love that in english i just can say you without worrying about whether my heart or mind has a preference i don t want to wish for one or two i don t want to mark the mixed feelings there is no vostros vostras or voi there is just you i wait for you posted in finding my way 2 comments post navigation older posts archives december 2015 july 2015 september 2014 august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 november 2013 october 2013 june 2013 march 2013 january 2013 december 2012 november 2012 october 2012 september 2012 august 2012 june 2012 may 2012 april 2012 march 2012 february 2012 january 2012 december 2011 october 2011 september 2011 june 2011 may 2011 november 2010 august 2010 july 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 august 2008 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