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Text of the page (random words):
tor lol so one hour passed without me noticing 13th may 2014 i boarded the bus and i tried to sleep no good my brain kept thinking about many what if s and in the end i cried myself to sleep what if she died if she died what will i become what about dad what about brother and the list goes on of course i didn t got a good sleep i kept drifting in and out and before i knew it i ve arrived at the airport at 5 30am i was like omg my plane is 11am which means i can only start checking in at 9am which means almost 4 hours later ㅠㅠ so much waiting so i got of the bus found a spot to sit and i sat there observing people since i had to distract myself from thinking the worst after awhile i got bored and took out my phone to play some games as i looked at my phone i wished that dad wouldn t call me and no phone calls from home cause if dad called me it would be something bad happened that he had to tell me right on the spot unfortunately i had a phone call from dad at around 5 45am i froze and thought oh god please not about mum please let it be something like are you at the airport are you fine where are you but still deep down i knew something terrible happened or else he wouldn t call me this early in the morning these thoughts happened in a few milliseconds and i picked up the phone hello mum s gone what she s gone okay and i ended the call she s gone the phrase echoed in my brain as i froze in spot everything around me slowed down i see the people walking by busying talking and excited about their trip seeing the british man beside me asking someone about his flight the person in front of me sleeping soundly everything was normal life still goes on i felt nothing more like numb until a few solid minutes later the thought struck me i have no mum anymore there s no one in this world i can call mum i can t see her anymore nor touch her hear her voice see her smiling as she called me 我的漂亮宝贝女儿 i broke down i zombie walked to the nearest toilet and i cried for 15 minutes everything flashed before my mind the time i spent with her times when i took care of her times when she was in the hospital times when she cried and complained times when she laughed everything after i stopped crying i tried to call my boyfriend too bad he s asleep like a pig tried a few times unsuccessfully i decided to leave the toilet in case people start wondering what s going on inside or scaring people away i went to the second floor and searched for a place to sit down and calm down i looked at the watch and realize there s around 2 hours left for check in i went to paris baguette and ordered a sandwich and a tea thinking it ll be bad to board on plane with an empty stomach especially with my loath on travelling with planes turned out i lost my appetite after i had my first bite after mind blank for sometime i thought i should tell my besties in malaysia my close cousins and my classmates in korea i messaged them and i updated a status in facebook saying i didn t get to meet her for the last time surprisingly they replied it was early in the morning everyone told me the same thing be strong as soon i saw the messages i started to cry again all of the negative thoughts and my memories with her overwhelmed me so much that i cried and cried after i calmed down my boyfriend called me so after the phone call with him i cried again i kept crying until the people around me started to look at me whispering and wondering i couldn t care for crying out loud i lost the woman i loved the most in my entire life i was so sad angry irritated every negative emotion just gushed over me like tsunami after calming down again i checked the time and at least happy to see i can finally check in after i m in the boarding gate i tried to distract myself with games and novels it worked so time flies and i boarded the plane i was happy and excited since it s my first time on mas wow talk about mood swing it was spacious compared to airasia there s a tv and there s a pillow and a blanket turned out this was the happiest flight i ve ever had in my whole life well until that day itself of course i did cried silently a few times but thanks to the very comfy flight i rested well and i landed at 4 pm malaysia time my dad couldn t fetch me since he had to be at the memorial hall so my uncle fetched me i took a transit train rm26 50 to tasik selatan surprised myself by remembering such a detailed stuff and my uncle and cousin came we went home first so i can shower and wear a proper attire for the memorial service when i reached home i took a look around first everything was the same as it is i went into my parent s room and i saw the things she used the chair she used to sit everything was still here somehow i had the feeling she s not gone yet i took a shower and we went to the memorial hall i dreaded hoping this is just a dream and this dream started to shatter as we reached the hall i greeted my relatives my grandma started crying as she hugged me i saw my dad and my brother they looked the same just more tired and eyes a little swollen and red i hugged them and my dad took me to see my mum i dreaded scared that i might breakdown again scared to see her dead i walked faster so i can get over my fears faster my heart eventually stopped seeing her lying so peacefully so beautiful my negative thoughts and feelings all disappeared as i see her my heart calmed down as i stare at her as if the first time seeing her so beautiful then i started to cry instead of negative feelings it s love that i felt at that time how much i love her the woman who love me so much my mother my bestfriend and my mentor i loved her so much that i cried realizing that i ve long lost her couldn t tell her for the last time that i love her i hugged my dad and brother as i cried my brother cried with me with dad patting my back it seemed like eternity until i calmed down we left the hall to have our dinner apparently i couldn t eat anything naturally everyone told me to eat but i felt so grieved that i think i ll throw up everything i eat in the end i could only drink water my mum was a christian so we had a christian memorial service for three days the service started at 8pm i couldn t remember clearly what the pastor said cause i kept crying as i see a super enlarged photo of my mum right in front of me after the service i hanged around for a moment and i played the keyboard i played all of my mum s favourite songs with my dad sitting nearby listening after the music session i felt so exhausted that i had to rest so i slept or more like fainted in the small room beside the hall dad woke me up around 2am to go home cause we had to wait until everyone leaves first only we can go home we reached home took a quick shower and slept 14th may 2014 the second day was quite similar to the first day we went to the memorial hall in the morning stayed there the whole day i played the keyboard again repeating all of her favourite songs i still couldn t eat a thing my mood goes on and on like a cycle crying calming down crying ect i felt more like a zombie because other than sorrow i couldn t feel a thing at night my besties came for the service one of them decided to come again tomorrow morning to accompany me for my mum s cremation and the day went by 15th may 2014 finally the day i dreaded again i was so scared since after this day it means i won t get to see her anymore but still i woke up at 7am went to the memorial hall and waited for the final service my sweet friend decided to force feed me with bread saying she couldn t stand me not eating anymore she brought me bread a bottle of mineral water and some flu medicine i got sick since i didn t rested enough i felt really grateful know that i still have a friend that i can call a real bff and care for me so much during the last service me and my brother decided to sing her favourti gospel song so i played the keyboard with him singing dedicated to her as a goodbye after this i put my hair in the coffin to be cremated with her and we left the hall for the cremation center during the whole journey i cried and cried i sat with my friend and she s smart enough not to say any soothing words or else i ll cry even harder as we reached and the time is up for the cremation we said our last goodbye everyone took turn to see her for the last time when it was my turn i was glued to her i don t feel like leaving until dad reminded me it s time i reluctantly tore myself away as the coffin started to move everything around me fade away leaving me and mum my tears flow as i see the coffin going in and in until it s inside and the door started to close the moment the door closed my tears stopped flowing i felt calm peaceful and empty i stayed at home for a week before i came back to korea that week felt like she went on a very far vacation and seemed like she ll be back well me and dad felt that way my heart was tore apart when dad and i started to tidy mum s stuff it brought back loads of memories and till now i couldn t bring myself to tidy her closet whenever i open it it screams of her her smell the happy times when she wore those clothes everything came back in full force as the days weeks months went by the fact that she passed away became more real and more heavier it took me at least a month to fully realize that she s really gone it was depressing i cried myself to sleep almost every night thanks to my boyfriend for staying by my side during that long depressing month that i started to really cheer up after that it s been four long months and till now i m still sad seeing the happy mothers and daughters passing by breaks my heart seeing old couples interacting makes me sad seeing the mothers showering their children with love saddens me cause these things make me fully aware that these are the things i couldn t have anymore don t worry i m not depressed to the state where i wish every mother is gone although i did thought of that when i was very depressed during the first month and i felt very sorry and repented at least i m better now i don t know how long will it take for me to completely recover hopefully sooner cause i feel so sick of myself being sad all the time yet i can t control myself all i wanted to say is cherish the time with your love ones sometimes you might have an argument or a fight well don t be idiotic and stubborn thinking that the other party should apologize first put your pride aside and cherish the moment together for you ll never know when is the last time you can say i love you only from jin ing 2 comments tuesday november 20 2012 a letter of the deep another normal school day as i scroll down my facebook i start to think back and ponder something thinking back the times when we always been together almost every weekday chit chatting and making idiotic jokes around gossiping oops and laughing everyday that s when we re still young as time goes by everyone started to focus on their studies more and thus reducing the laughter we made before but at least we re still seeing each other everyday and updating around alas we graduated everyone started to fly all over the world including me leaving all the loved ones behind i alone come to a foreign country to pursue my studies at least i got my boyfie with me but the love from boyfie alone is not enough as 1year and 9months pass by now i am in the 2nd semester of my 4years degree made new friends quite along well yeah i still laughed everyday but as i sit in front of my computer loneliness crept in seeing all of the facebook updates all the fake images around i felt more lonely emptiness sadness all together i guess it s because i m not in my comfort zone so i started to feel lonely moreover as i see you updating almost everyday but not a single hello for me alas disappointment of course i can t expect you to hi me everyday but after 1year and 9months i feel the utter most you may ask why can t you hi me instead well because i feel so tiny small and fearing that if i disappear you may not even notice it because you have your portion of caring enough in your comfort zone that s why you can t understand i being stressed out almost everyday listening to the 60 understanding lecture having assignments every week that ll burst your head out doing part time job every weekend tiring i truly fear that this friendship will just end silently and not knowingly rationally i knew this would happen still hoping the least that it won t happen 21 11 12 only from jin ing no comments monday october 8 2012 dream recently there s an assignment i had to do with the title my dream my dream during childhood now 10 years from now and picturing myself 30 years later from now my dream was to perform on stage but now i want to go anywhere and be a wanderer or a musician is it a form of me escaping this tired endless road i don t know oh how i wish p btw i m in love with this guy now you just watch runningman and you ll understand why muahahahaha only from jin ing no comments tuesday october 2 2012 pictures that speaks more than a thousand words ahahaha rupanya i d abandoned my blog for decades oh well it s picture story time today p darling teman me otw to interview for part time job le me waiting for ze train to come otw to part time job my bday present from darling yum yum le me waiting for ze shuttle bus to school haih all day bus train and walking muahaha kappa sushi with darling cool mini train train again ehehe cute train with cute boy xp le me trying on ze new colours in my shop p indian beer hahahha indian curry yum a friend s birthday d birthday boy two big fat whales keke nice fresh yogurt le me drawing with my shop s gel eyeliner muahahhaa and lipstick p meehhhhhhh le me and my japanese buddy spaland sweating relaxing psy g dragon o some nice buffet restaurant and spam rice and my newly updated baby and new wallpaper hehee being thoroughly sick during my 6 days holiday sad got another scholaship wohhooo sad cant celebrate with my baby this year 3 3 only from jin ing no comments sunday may 13 2012 a change in everything so sick yesh thanks to the changing of season now i m officially sick i hoped i would become more immune to this but sadly not haiz anyways recently i joined some clubs and guess what i m gonna perform on stage this coming school festival wohoo hope by then i can be 120 recovered and in all good condition t t and a happy mother s day love you and missing you mummy okay time for ze sick person to rest ciao only from jin ing no comments tuesday march 27 2012 4 years okay before i start giving my 4 years anni sweets out just a little recently me p although most of the lectures are difficult boring the class i delight most will be chemical experiment or chem lab oh whatever pretty right crystallized salt bling bling and dunno which night was it i had mcd as dinner and watching news by using dear s hp lol and this was my valentines choco yum okay about my 4 years anni that day my class finished at 5pm and i w...