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i struggled to cry at all so i feel like someone plunged into the ocean having never been to the seashore before the waves keep washing over me though their hues have changed over the days initially the rawness was frequently tinged with denial i felt that i could return to some previous saved game state and alter her passing telling someone about her death talking about her in the past tense even using her name in a facebook post made it too real and was to be avoided but then the reality would hit and tears would flood out of me accompanied by guttural moans it almost felt like being possessed because of how involuntary this was before i began my healing journey i would do anything to avoid letting these feelings out for they felt bottomless that they would overwhelm me and the vulnerability was terrifying additionally many of the times when i would have felt distress and sadness in the past it was not safe to do so because i was still around my assaulter or because i was in warzone i got very good at pushing them down however a few years ago i realised that it had become impossible to filter which emotions i could suppress and i was losing the good uns with the bad i was not experiencing life because it was all grey without emotions to colour it in order to feel joy i had to feel pain and i made a conscious decision that i would begin opening myself up to those feelings too and trust that i wouldn t lose myself forever in a pit of despair but that my body and mind would find a path to stumble through to some other side i began to cry i m still not good at it like an immobilised muscle that is very slowly strengthening i can manage only a few minutes at a time and feel utterly exhausted afterwards but i don t fear feeling it anymore as i know there will be another side and it will probably be a washed clean temporary peacefulness and so now when i feel the buildup of pain i let it come it is still a conscious effort with me telling myself over and over it is safe to cry it is not a burden on whoever s around me it is consented to it will pass and there will be another side until the tears finally blessedly break and i m engulfed which feels weird instead of pushing pain down i am facing it head on no longer am i fleeing from my own shadow observing as well as experiencing grief here is what i have noticed when i m depressed i comfort eat in grief i am having to make a conscious effort to eat at all and when i do its been easy moist foods a friend cooked soup for us on monday and otherwise its been beans on toast boiled eggs or cereal i think the difference is that when i m depressed i feel empty of feeling and so hunger and eating are louder and more compelling against that flat landscape in contrast ear splitting grief drowns out other feelings and exhausts my capacity to feel them there is no satiation in eating no pleasure of taste and little hunger drive i understand better now why so many cultures and religions emphasise the importance of bringing food for the grieving i was due to work a 12 hour shift the day after finding out about her suicide my first impulse was to keep that shift i need the money but that was just an excuse i realised that the new post ptsd me correct decision was to cancel it and prioritise self care and grieving additionally would i have the concentration required to safely give out medication to patients it was the latter that sealed my decision and i went to edin instead to spend the afternoon with 20 30 of danielle s friends this was definitely the right thing to have done i was making her death real being around people who were also mourning her sharing memories making sense of what had happened and crying a lot in public unprecedented i went home exhausted but was aware of how healthy and necessary the day had been refusing to let myself grieve for those i ve lost before has not kept them with me and nothing will bring danielle back emotions come in waves lasting from minutes to hours none lasts longer than that initially frequent visitors included denial anger and guilt gradually they have been replaced by deep sadness missing her very much and slowly accepting that she did what she needed to do i feel these one or two in a row and then go to numb as some kind of emotional refractory period sometimes i don t want to talk about anything apart from danielle other times i need a break from that she is never far from my thoughts but i don t want to share them always i am super lucky to have been with people who have been open to hearing but not been pushy if i don t want to talk about her i ll be thinking about her but talked out and not want to explain whatever is going on in my mind last night i even went out on a date i warned the person in advance about what had happened and that i would be subdued but i honestly felt that i needed a break from constant 24 7 grieving i needed daylight and fresh company and a change i was very lucky that my date was familiar with grieving processes and a total sweetie about it i have been having a big family crisis as well and that was also on my mind but it was a relief to at least partly get away from all that today i crashed again though as if the sadness that didn t express itself for 12 hours or whatever had time to make up for i still feel like taking that break and going outside of myself for that time was healthy pre new me would only have done that kept myself busy and distracted and with a full to do list and schedule however i think a little of that is probably necessary for my own reference as much as for anyone who s managed to follow my stream of consciousness this far here s what i wrote on facebook about danielle cw transphobia and suicide my heart hurts you have left a unique unfillable space in the universe i m glad i got to know you and had you in my life i wish you could have internalised how much love there was for you and i m furious at a transphobic world for making your life so much harder the world was not ready for you and you suffered for that we and the world suffer for losing you you will be dearly missed sweet sister on friday the world lost a wonderful unique beautiful person and in large part it was transphobia that meant she could no longer face life it was having her gender questioned and doubted and fetishised and mocked in popular culture and most painfully of all amongst those that pre terf terf is someone who is anti trans people but claim to come from a progressive feminist perspective wars she would have thought were on the same side as her as an anarchist i hope to write a longer post once i have recovered from losing a beloved sister from my life but in the meantime please do one thing in her memory offer a hug to a trans person or someone else who faces structural prejudice and oppression remember you are doing it as an offering to them so please do it in a way that does not pressure them some people don t like touch or only on their terms i suggest the phrasing would you like a hug and genuinely listen that they actively want that and whilst i m at it please remember that it shows care and respect to ask someone what pronouns do you use and inevitably when you get it wrong as everybody does at some point sorry she he they and continue with the conversation remember most importantly when you get it wrong do not turn it into a big deal where you are apologising and explaining so much that they need to comfort you when you were the one that trod on their toes sorry and move on is all that is required but back to our dearly missed sweet sister danielle she is not with us because the world is transphobic when we argue with those who use language that insults minimises fetishises or stigmatises trans people its not just an abstract political theoretical debate these things matter real people suffer their lives are made unliveable and we lose dear people from the world and from progressive political movements categories politics barvas to callanish via black house museum norse mill and kiln and rebuilt shielding outer hebrides day 3 june 30 2018 fleabite leave a comment breakfast of muesli with boiling water a kind of porridge which i really like when camping and tea then broke camp went back to local shop for cheese and a couple of tomatoes and headed out on road towards callanish almost immediately we came across something that looked interesting on side of road which turned out to be a rebuilt shielding inside was set out as it would have been with an explanatory leaflet shieldings were one room buildings up on the moors where some women and pre school children would go to with the cows for summer pasture inside was 2 parts separated by a wooden bench the width of the building behind the bench was the bed a platform with bags of straw for a mattress and wool blankets the front half had a fire and basic cooking facilities apparently it was an warmly anticipated time away from the oppressive winter life in the black house i imagined also to be away from the dour men folk it was another very warm sunny day i m convinced the hebrides are always blue sky bright green hills and sparkling water black house museum was fascinating very friendly helpful and informative assistant explained that the last person living in a black house had still been there til the 1960s we ve seen a lot of ruined ones just behind post war houses poverty kept people from living in modern buildings until very recently surprisingly spacious inside but the immediate impression was smokey peat fire kept going and dark occasional oil lamps but otherwise no lighting incredibly thick walls double drystone turf filled for insulation in from the front door to the right was the byre keeping animals inside must have helped protect from raiding predation as well as warmth to the left was large main human room with peat fire in the centre over which was a large iron kettle hanging from the ceiling by a chain sitting on the long bench down one side of the room i imagined how cosy it would have felt as well as crowded especially during the long hebridean winters box beds with curtains in front provide some minimal privacy though clearly they were all multiply shared we lunched on bread cheese and tomatoes further along the road to callanish was a whale s jaw bone made into an arch at 3 15 7 miles short of callanish i foolishly believed google maps stating the visitor s centre which we hoped would purvey ice cream was to close at 4 so i raced ahead to get us both ice cream and am chuffed that though fully laden and the road being hilly i made it by 3 45 to discover they were open til 8 during the summer lovely cafe shop and story of the stones exhibition mini museum all run by local people as part of a community trust good food good prices and great setting most importantly they do sell ice cream not to seem too seen it all before but i ve seen a fair few stone circles and they are less exciting to me in general now so i wasn t expecting to feel much at callanish stones we climbed the path up to the site me feeling blasé and then oh wow so many of them so close together and in this intriguing unique shape radiating arms to the compass points one an avenue of parallel stones such beautiful rock too studded with white and black crystals from the 2nd circle 10 min walk around a bay onto another hill the main stones were clearly silhouetted across the water on top of their ridge we camped on a hillock once again metres from the sea temperature dropped when the sun did bringing the harr in so we ended up picnicking in my tent categories travel aird arsaig to leverburgh via tarbert and beaches outer hebrides day 5 june 30 2018 fleabite leave a comment beautiful spot to waken and breakfast on the tip of the little peninsula next stop tarbert pretty port village stopped at only place we could see and struck gold the bar at the hotel at the port has amazing food and pot of tea for 2 was 3 my burger was freshly made in house very very yummy and we charged phones and hand washed a day of clothes each too the local shop didn t have camping gas and hardware shop closed as its the weekend we have the kelly kettle as well as the gas stove so its not an emergency did restock some food i struggled with the next hill i think the burger was sitting heavy in me and for 1st time this trip i had to push up the hill landscape now mountainous with lots of small lochs and rocky outcroppings apparently was the setting used for jupiter in 2001 down off the higher ground to the coast and stunning white beaches swam in the clear water mountains and islands all around coming out of the blue ocean at the entrance to a campsite we were beckoned to a burger van by the scent of frying fish and enjoyed a super good cullen skink and then outstanding fried locally caught herring and mackerel coated in oatmeal more miles of stunning coast machair beaches flowers cliffs and interesting sea feature rich with islands and peninsulas tonorrow the uists categories politics older entries rss feed google youdao xian guo zhua xia my yahoo newsgator bloglines inezha follow blog via email enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email email address follow join 459 other subscribers donate to play scheme in rafah gaza urgent amazing play scheme in rafah gaza which gives play joy creativity and fun to children who have already lived through 3 wars will close down unless 1500 is raised by end of jan 2016 to cover next 6 months rent and bills https www gofundme com rafahchildren twitter updates tweets by fleabite531 recent posts shanghai bread and circuses done really well with a heavy dose of dystopia reflections after a 6 day holiday yom kippur fast for palestine westminster tisha b av vigil for palestinians edinburgh sunday 3rd august 2025 a talk i gave at a palestine solidarity event on sunday ben vane 26 of my 50 munroes in my fiftieth year challenge islay and jura days 2 5 islay arrival healing from ptsd emotional numbing and disassociation newly experiencing grief day 5 barvas to callanish via black house museum norse mill and kiln and rebuilt shielding outer hebrides day 3 aird arsaig to leverburgh via tarbert and beaches outer hebrides day 5 activism anarchism anticuts bhopal capitalism is bad for your health chanukah community diary feminism free hetherington inequality israel judaism lejog lgbt mountains nursing occupation palestine peace personal pesach politics poly racism white privilege spirituality things that make me happy travel travel like a woman uncategorized top create a free website or blog at wordpress com fleabite create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed fleabite join 441 other subscribers sign me up have a wordpress com account log in now privacy fleabite view site in reader manage subscriptions sign up log in report this content collapse this bar loading comments write a comment 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