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Text of the page (random words):
ther humpty fucking dumpty that s not what this day is actually about of course but for me that kind of grief touches very close to the sort grief with which i do have more experience i ve written previously here and there about the impact of my losses and how i did and didn t deal with them on my marriage i m not sure i have much new to say about it now and while i logically know i m not the only one who probably seems to struggle more than most at least it seems that way to me i will never be one to spout platitudes about how it only made us stronger closer better as a couple maybe someday i ll be able to look back with more perspective and see it that way but i guess i m still not far enough removed someday i hope i always hate this time of year anyway mostly because my first miscarriage happened in september but the way the changes in the daylight and the trees and the seasons always coincide never fails to leave me with a months long hangover of remembered grief last year i felt a little bit better equipped than usual to cope having a baby will do that at least in my super scientific sample size of exactly one we even took ike to the gathering at a local park organized by a local face2face group find one in your area here he s older this year obviously and the 7 pm international wave of light gets dangerously close to interfering with his bedtime and he s got a new tooth coming through so i m not going to try to take him to the park this year for other reasons too it simply is not as appealing to me right now the healing vibe has faded through no fault at all of the organizer or the group but for me i just can t do it this year what i have been able to do of late is reach out and make connections with a couple of women i ordinarily am not very close with who now unfortunately have their own history with pregnancy loss these are more real life more than acquaintances face book friends but not members of the online ali community so in reaching out i did have a bit more trepidation that they wouldn t be open to talking about it that i d end up hurting feelings more than i would be able to help thankfully that wasn t the case in either situation and both seemed somewhat relieved or at least touched and not hurt that i d brought up the subject seemingly out of nowhere their stories aren t mine to tell i could probably do so making them anonymous but that isn t really the point i want to make today i find it quite hard to articulate the gratitude i have for the ability to reach out and make those connections like we often say it s not a club anyone wants to join and there is of course nothing about their losses that actually makes me happy but i am so very glad to have felt brave enough to reach out and offer to just listen if nothing else it s not something i could have ever done without having lived my own bit of hell the community of ali bloggers has been an unending and ever present source of support when i ve needed it and hopefully i ve been able to lend support back as well and it felt rather amazing to take the risk and extend that support rather spontaneously to women who probably have no idea that an ali community exists paying it forward i hope so that is my take on october 15th this year as you remember the babies that aren t here with you or with your loved ones look around and take the risk of reaching out bet that saying something is going to help someone much more than saying nothing there will be many names on my mind this evening as i light my candles and while i d never wish for the list to grow i hope that those grieving can have the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that they aren t the only ones who will never forget posted in ali community grief loss october 15th leave a comment october 4 2013 by notundecided fifteen plus dear baby ike more than two weeks ago already you turned fifteen months i m clearly having just as hard a time keeping up with these letters to you as i have keeping up with you these days you are very much on the move the pitter patter of your still fairly tiny feet sound off at a pace that i suppose qualifies as running i can put you down in one spot turn my head for just a second and then have to guess which direction you went usually if we haven t taken care to put dexter s water bowl up out of your reach you ll be found in the inevitable puddle at your fifteen month checkup with the pediatrician you weighed in at 22 pounds and three ounces and were measured at 30 inches tall which again puts you right in the middle of the pack for weight though on the shorter side your head circumference is still on the higher end of the curve which makes it very tempting to dress you up as charlie brown for halloween all we d need is a yellow tee shirt and some electrical tape while you still don t have much hair on top of your head you have sprouted some length in the back business in the front party in the back baby mullet style i already don t ever want to give you a haircut but your father will likely prevail before i let you look like too much of a flower child really i should find you a little doggie costume for beggar s night as that is still your favorite word followed closely by birdie and apple which sounds more like ahh puuuw i can t get enough of it when we read the charley harper abcs book we borrowed from the library you ll chime right in on b is for bir deeee and d is for dagg eeee you find much joy in putting daddy s baseball cap on my head which serves as a great distraction during the diaper changes you ll hardly hold still for anymore you re picking up more and more words every week including hat and also head which you ll throw your hands onto when asked where it is you also say cheese kee and keys dee dee and probably at least seven other words that i am forgetting right now oh yes pee we hear that with regularity during diaper changes you call every infant or kid and some adults too in photos or random product packaging bee bee baby when you see pictures of me and your dad you point and exclaim mommy and or daddy i m a little sad to have mama fade into mommy already but you still bring mama back every once in a while for which i m ridiculously sentimentally grateful it takes you a little while to warm up around new people or those you don t see very often but sooner than later your curiosity takes over and you re all explorer checking out what you can get into if we ve taken you to a new place as we move further into toddler territory i know that we need to set firm limits on a lot of things but i hope that you will keep that overwhelming curiosity at the same time i love watching you discover the world giving names to things and seeing your face light up at our excitement as you start to say those names out loud next month you ll be the ring bearer in uncle mikey and almost technically legally finally aunt steph s wedding your tiny suit arrived last week i m torn on whether to look further for dress shoes for you or to just let you rock the black and white sneaks you already have that are probably almost close enough to fitting to work i honestly have no idea how you ll react to a church full of guests looking at us i will accompany you as the flower maid a hybrid of bridesmaid and flower girl and oohing and ahhing over your cuteness around the house or out and about you will sometimes take my hand and lead me over to show me something but i don t necessarily expect that to work well on the spot i m searching for some much lower than i d normally wear heels because i expect i might end up having to pick you up and walk you down the aisle hopefully having daddy at the other end will help you can always steal the show taking off running toward him i just hope that if you do become the center of attention it s not for thrashing or screaming or earnest fussing as long as i don t try to brush your teeth during the ceremony we probably won t cause too much chaos though those may be famous last words the next letter i write to you here will be for your half birthday i can t wait to see how much you change between now and then i know it will be a lot but as the months go by i find i can never quite imagine the amusement and some frustrations of course you ll provide for us next love you so much mama hanging onto that as long as i can better known now as mommy photo credit to your aunt jeni stopping in to see all the ladies at aunt steph s shower posted in baby ike baby stuff dear ike fifteen months leave a comment august 1 2013 by notundecided lucky thirteen dear baby ike first even though you are now a near expert in the art and science of toddling i declare that i will continue to call you baby ike toddler ike really has no ring to it sadly for as long as i can get away with it i ll try not to use it too often just to get under your skin when you re a teenager but i will never say never it s fun to imagine you at thirteen years of age but for now you are thirteen months as of last week two weeks ago i do hope to continue writing you these letters though it will probably happen with less frequency as you continue to get older so yes you are definitely becoming more of a toddler and less of a baby every day you walk unassisted from one end of the house to the other in the most charming tiny drunk person fashion i ve ever seen bias showing you would much prefer to feed yourself than let us spoon things into your mouth though you will still occasionally tolerate apples auce because they are your long standing favorite sweet potatoes and carrots though have been shunned and we do need to work harder at continually offering green vegetables lest you end up as picky as your father you have been introduced to cows milk and are taking to it just fine from what i can tell you do continue to nurse and i am so happy that we made it to the one year mark and beyond but i am bracing myself for the day when you ll decide you re done i am in no hurry only hoping it will be a gradual process and i ll continue to be able to appreciate the quiet moments we ve had throughout our nursing relationship as it winds down i m sure i ll be sad when it s over but i m hopeful we ll find plenty of new ways to share closeness and cuddles i am pretty sure that you attempted to say the word apple aahh buh the other day along with ball bah and book buh i still have no idea what meee nu means but i can at least surmise that it must be lots of fun for you to say and play around with variations on the theme we hear it and things that sound almost like it an awful lot most if not all of the animals that you see are declared doggin and you eye me with suspicion when i tell you that they are actually sheep or horses or cats not doggies you may be earning yourself a new nickname with that tendency your uncle mike pretty much just calls you doggen i die of cute when i hear this last friday we grandma and aunt jen and i took you to the columbus zoo of course you fell asleep just before we arrived so in order to let you try to get a decent nap we ended up clicking your car seat into the stroller as if you were a teeny tiny still rather than wake you up to put you directly into the stroller this was not the best configuration for you to see much so there was much lifting you out to see the animals and luckily i had also brought a mei tai carrier so we alternated between the two all day you were pretty much a champ all day long we didn t leave until around five pm and you crashed hard in the car on the way home hopefully next year we can go back while the larger animals like the giraffes and elephants are there or maybe to the wilds where they apparently were that day in the carrier at the zoo your top two teeth are finally starting to work their way in these two are being a bit rougher on you than the first bottom two were it seems like most babies your age have several more already so i m not sure whether to be grateful that yours are spacing their arrivals out more or worried that you ll end up losing them slowly too like i did as a kid and some will end up needing to be pulled in order to put braces on adult teeth coming in behind the baby teeth that won t want to fall out we have a long time before that will become clear though so for now i just hope that additional teeth will help you want to explore more foods you really may turn into a cheer io i fear all i know for sure is that your smile is about to be even cuter though i wouldn t have ever thought it possible i am still completely in love with your dimple and i get ridiculously excited when i manage to capture it in a photo on sunday we took you to a local park for more baby swing action and also let you play around on some of the playground equipment as there were hardly any other kids around as we stood at the edges of the platforms to make sure you didn t toddle right off it was hard yet fun to imagine that you ll soon be stomping around and climbing and jumping and we won t always need to be right there next to you while you explore it s so fun getting glimpses of the world through your eyes love mama photo credits to aunt jen for the above shots bonus instagram playground pics posted in baby ike breastfeeding dear ike things that feel good leave a comment post navigation older posts search for recent posts for mo bitter infertiles returns with your help 2 5 just write twice around the sun archives february 2016 february 2015 december 2014 july 2014 june 2014 march 2014 november 2013 october 2013 august 2013 july 2013 june 2013 may 2013 april 2013 march 2013 february 2013 january 2013 december 2012 november 2012 october 2012 september 2012 august 2012 july 2012 june 2012 may 2012 april 2012 march 2012 february 2012 january 2012 december 2011 november 2011 october 2011 june 2011 may 2011 march 2011 december 2010 november 2010 october 2010 september 2010 august 2010 july 2010 june 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 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