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Text of the page (random words):
but asian hispanic and culture was being taught well kind of i am learning so much on how little i was taught on cultures other than that of a white suburban girl high school private catholic high school people of color were even more diverse well i guess i should say there were more colors but fewer of each does that make sense any way again i had a circle of friends who looked more like me but i was certainly friendly to the larger group which encompassed several different cultures than white college hit me hard i learned something i had said in conversation to multiple guys in my life on multiple occassions was actually associated with slavery i nearly burst into tears in my writing class i was working with a classmate who happened to be black he was amazing and adorable and we had sat with each other for 2 semesters he did something and i jokingly said you better watch it boy the look on his face was terrifying to me he then said you have no idea what you just said do you i said no but i can tell it wasn t good he then explained the origins of that phrase and i was so embarrassed i turned multiple shades of red he hugged me and said you didn t know but now you do you re ok just learn from this he was so kind i almost asked him if he could give me lessons on being more aware but still reeling that i had been throwing that phrase around like it was nothing to guys of any color i lost my nerve but i don t say that phrase any more and i tend to educate those i do hear say it then i had kids eeeny meenie miney mo yeah that one omg i had no idea where that came from and now when i hear my children say it i stop them and say use a different way to choose why mom i will explain it when i know how to i still don t know how over the past couple of weeks the conversations between my children and me have been deep they have been emotional they have been extremely difficult how do i explain all of this to them appropriately i think of the mothers of children of color talking to their children about the dangers of the world and how some dangers are based soley on their skin color along with all the other dangers i talk to my kids about i think of the fear those mothers have to live with day in and day out i worry about my kids but damn i cannot even imagine the conversations are sinking in the kids are listening my neighbors across the street who are similarly aged to my kids are black and i absolutely adore them our kids have widened our quarantine circle to include them so they can play the two boys get overwhelmed by the girls sometimes and though d is a little bit older than booger he is patient and kind he has been playing football basketball and baseball with booger i love how they talk about sports together and how d is teaching booger proper techniques that his dad has taught him his dad travels a lot for work but booger will go over to their house when the mr is home and the three boys play it s beautiful to me i love that my son has a strong positive male in his life to whom he is not related i hope they never move i hope this man is someone my son can turn to when he needs man talk that mommy can t help provide booger is most affected by the current climate he watched part of just mercy with me and said the white people in this move suck i laughed and said yeah they do he asked if this was before or after mlk died and i said after he looked forlorn mlk did all that work and died for it and these white people are still being mean holy shit my six year old said that he was kind of obsessed with mlk and brought home a biography on mlk in january he must have read that book 100 times he still talks about how it wasn t fair that mlk had to go to a dirty school while white kids got to go to a clean school he s right it s not fair it s not equal and sadly not much has changed sure segregation is no longer legal but let s look at those neighborhoods yeah the ones blocked out here and there where people of color reside and how their schools differ from those of that neigborhood of white people it s still happening i am terrified of putting my foot in my mouth when it comes to speaking to people of color to ask what more can i do i am an ally but i m also ignorant to my subconciously taught prejudices i have subscribed to uncomfortable conversations with a black man i am grateful this man is willing to have the conversation i m hoping to continue those conversations with my kids i m hoping to raise my kids to see color and embrace the differences i want my kids to treat everyone equally regardless of their skin color i want my kids to have that world where we can live in peace with each other i want to do more i don t want to offend i want to learn i have a friend from work whom i adore he is black and gay and my kids adore him too we have gone to a few movies and dinner together i need a date with him because i know he can help earlier this year i was accused of being racist by a black co worker when i complimented her new hair style she had long braids and then went to a very short cut i said i have had the same hairstyle since highschool i love it when they can change their hair like that who is they i looked at her and said you know women women who can go to the salon and have an hour to do something different with their hair like geo with her blonde locks and ashley who just had highlights and brittney who just cut 15 inches off and now her hair is curly she walked away in a huff i had no idea i was being offensive i turned to three other people of color and asked what just happened they said we have no idea they did not take offense nor feel what i said was racist when i brought it up to my male black friend he was like does she know we hang out you can t be racist if you hang out with me in public with your kids he gave me a hug and assured me i wasn t a racist but this is why i m afraid to talk to any one i want to be antiracist i want to be better but i m too afraid of offending someone so in a world where we are dealing with the worst pandemic in 100 years where we are fighting 400 years of oppression and suffering the black population has felt where we don t know if our world leaders can help get us out of the pandemic let alone find a way to bring peace to our world it s like a bad movie trailer someone said level 6 of jumanji they probably aren t too far off if anyone out there reading has any tips to help an ignorant priviledged white girl become a better ally and help teach her children to be better allies as well i am open thank you for reading jun 12 wfh posted by middlespouse 3 i am used to saying wtf but wfh is part of my new vocabulary i have been working from home since march 19 2020 in a job i was always told could never be a work from home i have been successfully completing my tasks and taken on some new ones oh and i was attempting to assist my children with their distance learning let s just say i m shocked the kids don t have to repeat kinder and first grade it has been a blessing to be home i am grateful i have been able to work some of my coworkers have been furloughed some volunteered some did not it s a scary time i am a nurse i thought i would always have a job i never thought i would have to be concerned unless of course i work in pediatric ambulatory medicine during a pandemic that affects children at a rate much less than adults the kids adjusted well the dog well not so much i mean he loves having us home all the time but if we leave for any reason he has severe separation anxiety and stands at the top of the stairs crying and barking if i do go back into the office it will be a massive adjustment for him me too but i worry more about him we are now done with distance learning and the kids are officially on summer break what they don t understand is that i am still working i am still talking to patients on the phone and reading reports and acting as a contact for multiple factors relating to newborns i don t get a summer vacation any more part of me wishes i had taken the job as a school nurse at my kids school i would have the summers off with them but instead here i am working while they are home it is definitely not ideal but it s working the hardest thing about wfh is also the best part about it i don t have to deal with people and yet without the constant socialization and desensitizing i get from being in the work environment has escalated my social anxiety i have lived here in kc for just shy of 4 years i have amazing neighbors who have become friends i was invited to a casual ladies night of social distance drinking happy hour i got rid of the kids and did a little pampering of myself i took time to put on make up and do my hair i put on nice clothes i then proceeded to sit my ass on the couch and not go they didn t call to remind me or call to see if i was coming i wasn t missed i didn t go i put on my pjs and crawled into bed at 9 30 pm just in time to get a call from my daughter saying she wasn t going to survive the attempted sleepover and could i come get her so instead of a kid freen night out with the ladies i ended up with not only my two kids but also gained a kid and i was actually pretty ok with it the bed was a little crowded but eh sleep is overrated my counselor says i need to get out but with everything shut down i have an excuse my bff rock said she is going to start taking me out i am grateful for her i also am struggling with some serious envy with her she has been through a shit ton of crap as have i but she has blossomed i feel as if i went backwards she has had 2 long term relationships since the end of her marriage though both ended she put her self out there more than once she also told me she is going on a date with a new dude this week i am shamelessly texting with an ex boyfriend whom i adore and could very easily fall back into love with even though i know we are much better friends i am lonely he is comfortable i do not have an opportunity to meet new people and well i m not exactly what anyone would call a great catch i m a fat plain 45 year old solo parent of 2 young children an aging dog with a history of anxiety and depression yeah i m just what every dude wants to bring home to his family this pandemic has made drastic changes in my life and mostly for the better i have a couple of friends who check in randomly but for the most part my work friends have forgotten me which is cool it s not like i m calling or texting every day or at all for that matter i can t be mad if i m not doing anything either but it helps me realize who and what i want my and don t hit me for saying this new normal to be i was on my third new normal in 5 years i thought that was enough but the world apparently felt a pandemic was just what i needed to have a fourth new normal i have missed this place most of the friends i have from my blogging days now are facebook friends or instagram friends or twitter friends i still get updates on a few of the blogs i used to follow but i have been away too long i realized some of the most amazing people in my life are here and i have abandoned them i am not making promises this will be come a regular thing but it feels good to be getting things out on a screen again pen and paper have never been my thing because my handwriting is atrocious had to explain to my children how i literally failed handwriting in the fifth grade i attempted to use my experience to get them to practice writing on paper but neither of them took the bait their teachers next year are going to hate me ok back to my normal rambling it feels good to get things out of my head i hope to be back sooner rather than later may 27 follow in my footsteps posted by middlespouse 2 my friend rock and i have been friends for 25 years that s more than half of either of our lives we have been through thick and thin with each other when i was at my darkest she did her best to help me but i rejected her i struggle terribly with the thought i wasn t there for her when her mom was sick because i was so far down in my hole i couldn t see anything i wanted to die i didn t want anyone close to me and i will likely hold on to the guilt of being so selfish in her time of need for the remainder of my life she has forgiven me but i have not forgiven myself saturday december 7 a date that has been a pain in the ass for me for so many years most recently it was 6 years ago when sd decided to let me go and choose another candidate for his partner in life yes it still stings after 8 years together 2 kids 4 miscarriages and 7 years of marriage he could so easily dismiss me like a discarded resume i m working on getting past it that was also the day when i took my children alone to breakfast with santa a fresh 2 year old little girl and a tiny 6 week old baby boy on my hips in front of a tree wearing a wedding band with no husband i have continued the tradition and this year it fell on the same date i was in chicago at my parents house so we could see the same santa he s been the same guy since my 21 year old nephew was 3 years old and he s awesome at 4 something am my phone rang my phone is on do not disturb with the exception of a few numbers rock is one of those numbers i sat up in bed and startled booger who was sleeping next to me i answered with omg are you ok she sobbed no i m not ok o her ex husband and father of her children is dead cue more sobs from both her and me then she told me he died of suicide are you fucking kidding me o had struggled with depression for as long as i have known him he had previously taken an attempt at his life when his first wife died from complications after receiving a medication this was long before he and rock started dating i never felt he was good enough for her i struggled because he was rough around the edges she was happy and she loved him and when they brought their precious children into the world he softened somehow there were times when i actually felt he was more involved with his children than sd was with ours then he lost his job and started drinking and the drinking continued and he continued to spiral rock requested therapy but he stated he didn t want to talk about his drinking he chose alcohol over his marriage and his family they divorced just a couple of years ago he made comments about how rock wanted to be like me um i would never wish my situation before sd died on anyone let alone my best friend my situation isn t fun or happy it s barely survival the past two years have not been kind to him he struggled with multiple dui s and job loss he had been hospitalized several times for severe ascites and had liters of fluid removed last month he was given a diagnosis that did not have a great prognosis the conversations with rock started to get weird he was going off the grid with his friend to a cabin to relax and process his diagnosis he randomly stated things about his cat and how she was the emergency contact if something happens to t...