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six s junk thought theorem six s junk thought theorem a way to dump all the stuff i wouldn t want to lumber my family and friends with so if you re a friend or part of my family and you ve heard it all before i m duller than i thought sorry thursday november 14 2013 you are good enough a couple of years ago i was introduced to a concept that has transformed me from an anxious over critical parent of myself to one that is far more comfortable in both decision making and in my general everyday relationships with the kids actually concept is not really the right description it s more that someone pointed out the obvious however you know how these things are someone pointing out the obvious can be just as transformative as the formation and communication of a new concept ask any adman no idea is a new idea they ve all been rehashed a million times i was reminded of this concept a couple of days ago on watching the frankly ridiculous exchange between katie hopkins and peaches geldof on this morning the two were arguing about the concept of attachment parenting peaches hugging sleeping being close to baby as opposed to what i suppose you might call detachment parenting katie do as i say leave them to cry etc etc if you really want to see the argument it s played out below it doesn t actually add to what i m about to say but it s mildly entertaining if you define entertaining as being really irritating at the very least it was the catalyst for this post the debate got me to thinking about how we ve somehow over a period of maybe 4 decades managed to completely fuck with the minds of new parents so badly that the first years of a child s life and in some cases more are often tinged with the underlying anxiety and worry of the parents anxiety and worry about pretty much any aspect of parenting you can think of the mere fact we now call it parenting tells us something about the nature of labelling everything in child rearing sorry parenting is a theory and until this clip i d forgotten what it was like to be a new parent i m now 10 years in and most of that theory stuff happened in the early few years that was until i was suddenly thrown back to it by the peaches hopkins off the funny thing about this labelling thing is that even if you don t read all the baby books and just get on with it you re still forced into the parenting discussion by calling yourself an instinctive parent or some such rubbish so what changed for me well first was having a third child and having less time to worry so much the second and probably more important reason was the fact that someone pointed out to nic and i that the anxiety we had built up especially around eben it s always the eldest might be more to do with us than him it was obvious it wasn t the complete answer but it was instructive as to how we might change our approach however while that helped it was what he gave us to attack that with that was transformational he said and i paraphrase you seem like pretty good pretty diligent pretty caring pretty hard working parents why don t you think that s good enough for me and for nic maybe slightly less so it was utterly life changing the idea of being good enough is an extraordinarily liberating one it doesn t mean you try any less or you put in any less effort or you change your value set or that your ambitions for your family are altered however it means you stop judging everything as either a success or more importantly a failure good enough means you tried bloody hard and the fact it didn t work out is just one of those things it s not going to see your children in the gutter in 20 years time it means you can get things wrong several times in a row and you re still a diligent parent you re still good enough frankly the good enough concept can be applied to pretty much any aspect of your life and just as effectively by people without children the only reason i ve written about this in that context is because of the way it was introduced to me we all live more complex busier and fragmented existences than people in the past we re attempting to achieve alot inevitably that means we re not going to be brilliant at some of it in fact some of it we ll be absolutely crap at but if you re good enough and you let yourself believe you re good enough then i can guarantee you ll feel less stressed out so i m passing it on in case you re still chasing perfection which is impossible which we all already know and for some reason most of us keep ignoring you can call it a new concept if you like or you can carry on with your ridiculously busy life and pass it on to someone else who might find it helpful oh and here s a picture of my happy kids i ve got loads of them pictures that is just the 3 kids and some of them aren t posed like this and they ve still got smiles on their faces i m probably good enough posted by crispin heath at 12 50 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit friday february 10 2012 expectation management when i became a dad i had a really strong sense of what my son would be like it was a certainty that he would be a rugby player outgoing loud and keen to chat eight years down the line i ve been proved completely wrong it took me a long time to adjust to eben he tested me he taught me a lot about the assumptions we make every day he also taught me that you have to adapt the way you behave and deliver information dependent on who you re dealing with he also exposed my greatest weaknesses he challenges my worst behaviours as a human being the love i have for him is gut wrenching it s a feeling difficult to describe but it literally feels like someone pulling your insides out through your stomach yet he s so far from what i expected i doubt i m ever going to stand on a rugby touchline and cheer him on he is not in the slightest bit interested i have had to learn that he feels huge discomfort in the presence of new people and i have to ensure he can find a place he derives some pleasure from on the day and eventually participates on his terms oh he is loud though yeah i got that right why the reason for the post well i went to his parent s evening last night it s quite a nerve racking experience a parent s evening ultimately you don t really care how they re doing academically as long as they re around average what you really want to know is how they re getting on in the class whether they re enjoying it and that they re comfortable he appears to be all those things and more but it made me realise how quickly he s growing up and how little you take real notice of that next week nic s going away with the kids for half term so i won t see them i need to make the absolute most of the next couple of days because every second counts posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 6 57 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit saturday august 13 2011 she s quite demanding my daughter posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 6 02 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit monday june 20 2011 this just arrived for eben may have a little read myselff first posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 9 23 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit sunday june 19 2011 the pied piper of ashtead otherwise known as robantonycope posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 8 03 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit friday june 10 2011 about to play a game of this posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 10 08 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit sunday june 05 2011 warning cute puppies alert prepare to awwwww posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 2 11 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit saturday june 04 2011 mini people posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 7 58 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit thursday june 02 2011 jezza and lord sugar seem a bit defensive to me posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 9 13 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit sunday may 29 2011 it s been a busy day posted via email from six s junk thought theorum posted by crispin heath at 3 24 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit older posts home subscribe to posts atom me across the web my other worky digital blog crispinheath on twitter crispinheath on instagram crispinheath on google about me crispin heath dad of 3 reigatian u10 footie coach cyclist crystal palace victim music catholic chez bruce lover white burgundy addict and head of digital at teamspirit view my complete profile blog archive 2013 1 november 1 you are good enough 2012 1 february 1 2011 52 august 1 june 6 may 10 april 11 march 13 february 9 january 2 2010 100 december 11 november 9 october 22 september 31 august 5 june 2 may 3 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