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aaajaa akul smitten blog designs fall in love with more free templates click here to get your own smitten blog design skip to main skip to sidebar aaajaa akul tuesday june 22 2010 living without him i have not posted in such a long time there is a cloud of silence that has decended upon me but my heart is still heavy and i continue to think of akul so many many times each day things have happened in the last few months that made me think i will blog about this but then i didn t sunil and i drove to vancouver around the end of march it was our first attempt at doing something fun we were standing in front of the space needle in seattle when i saw many school kids line up for their visit to the science center and then i saw us two very sad adults without a child we walked around the area and both of us were quiet i was silently praying that i get my baby back i never pray for another baby because i always want the same baby back i just do not want any other there is a fountain in the back of this building and many kids were squealing around it gluttons for punishment sunil and i walked around the fountain and suddenly i stopped i saw the most perfect rainbow formed by the spray of water and the rays of the sun ofcourse i teared up we are moving we just bought a house in another part of san diego county and i carried akul s boxes to that house his clothes his stuffed toys his bath tub his bottles bibs rattles i carried everything but my baby the house has no meaning for me it gives both of us no pleasure i wish i could carry my squealing screaming akul into that house and hear his laughter ring from every corner of it he alone could make this house a home we miss you so very very much akul xo xo posted by akul s mama at 8 59 am 13 comments sunday april 4 2010 babies babies everywhere but not a single one for me there has been a baby epidemic around me everyone is having them even people who do not want them are having them even people who do not need them are having them even people who cannot afford them are having them the sick the tired the old all are having babies but i am not i have not felt like this ever before i have not felt this anger and sadness that wrenches the heart just because someone else is having a baby i hate myself for feeling what i feel i know i should be happy for them all and i have even tried to deny these feelings of anger and sadness but i know they are there iwas so overwhelmed with the blog world that i took a break from it and then the babies followed me into real life there are pregnant people all around me i discuss someone s pregnancy or the birth of someone s baby each day and i think of akul all the time i see little kids and wonder if akul would be doing what they are doing at this time you know he would have been a year old you know he would be walking running and driving me crazy by now you know if i had not experienced this loss i would be like any other mom complaining about how my child takes up all my time but actually living a life now i sit here and complain about other people having kids and i live an incomplete life posted by akul s mama at 2 05 pm 19 comments sunday february 21 2010 grief is lonely thanks for being there last weekend was so hard on us it was the anniversary of a three day span of time within which our baby boy was born active and alive and then passed away limp and lifeless in our arms we were devastated all over again i kept telling myself and sunil that there was nothing different about these days that our baby is gone every day that each day we miss the feel of his hands wrapped around our fingers and his skin sitting lightly on ours but yet we went back in time and grieved just as we did right after we had lost him in the midst of this grief you did so many things that helped me and supported me you left comments on my blog and facebook you sent me things for akul that made me feel he was remembered and loved by many thanks to birni who made this for akul and sent it to us on that weekend yes valentines day and akuls birth and death anniversary fall around the same time akul g ot other things for valentines day too this one is from bree who emailed me throughout that weekend i knew she was thinking about us all the time bree wrote messages on my fb and even called me on the 14th to ensure we were doing ok as you all know bree is in our support group too and she was there with flowers for akul when we had a little cake cutting ceremony for him during the first week of feb then again on his death anniversary bree lit a candle for akul and sent me the following picture thank you so very much bree you have a very special place in my heart my wonderful colleague and friend tracy remembered akul s birthday too she sent us a beautiful flower arrangement tied with a big red bow on it was a card with balloons that said happy birthday akul we miss you very much tracy and i were pregnant at the same time i with akul and she with annalise our colleagues gave us a joint baby shower and to this day i have not been able to go and see annalise i do see her pictures and know she is absolutely beautiful tracy understands and always asks me about akul just like i ask her about annalise tracy you are amazing i am so lucky to have you as my friend and then my brother came to california on an official trip he came to our house on feb 14th valentines day a day he should spend with his wife however my sister in law and my brother decided that he should be with us on that day because it was the time we would need someone he stayed with us till 17th morning going to work intermittently he drove almost 70 miles to his place of work but still stayed with us i thank both my brother and my sister in law for this having him here with us definitely helped us get through these three days i read my blog and your comments i read your comments on facebook i read your emails and saw all the things you made for akul and i was supported in my grief thank you so very very much posted by akul s mama at 11 32 am 11 comments saturday february 13 2010 akul would have been one today walking and talking and calling me mom snatching things and bawling and giving sloppy kisses and lovely lovely hugss my baby would have been one today today on his first birthday i will share with you all my fellow baby lost moms a poem i wrote when i first lost my akul every word is penned with the ink of a thousand tears an angel came to live with me an angel came to live with me he made my womb his home my fluids were his silken sheet my flesh his mattress foam he brought me gifts from other lands gifts precious and rare milk to my breasts glow to my skin a heart with baby cares an angel came to live with me he was my gift divine he had short limbs and tiny wings he was my heady wine he made me want to hold him tight made me want a son he made me crave and yearn to be his very ordinary mom he flew away to fairy lands in the short blink of an eye while i welcomed him into this world he quietly waved goodbye akul my darling i so wish you had not waved us goodbye your dad and mom miss you like they have missed no other and their life is so incomplete without you every time i blog i call to you and say aajaa akul xo xo xo xo xo posted by akul s mama at 1 12 am 28 comments thursday february 4 2010 support from my support group our support group empty cradles meets the first wednesday of every month so we walked into our support group meeting last night and i was surprised to see a flower vase with akul s name on it a bunch of beautiful flowers and a cake my wonderful support group remembered akul s big day was coming feb 13th and they brought us little tokens to honor our son i just want to talk about this one moment in time the cake cutting ceremony we stood in a semi circle around the carrot cake holding hands and our friends softly sang happy birthday to you and we all cried every eye teared as i cut akul s cake then we all reached for the clean x and virunya walked to the cake and said softly we all miss you akul we do i chimed in that moment was mystical i felt so connected to these people who have lost their babies and who come together to grieve once a month bree of http butterflybaby15 blogspot com my wonderful friend drove down with flowers bree has stopped working because she is pregnant most of you probably know her story but she still came to support us a couple lost baby parents who we met through our support group drove over 60 miles to be with us on this day just to honor akul i wish i did not belong to this club of lost baby parents actually i wish not one of us did but i do and i am so thankful that the people i have found in this club are people like you my wonderful wonderful support group this was a beautiful way to honor my angel son we do not plan to cut a cake on akul s birthday so this will be the only cake akul will have on his first birthday thank you so very much for giving us this memory posted by akul s mama at 9 12 pm 14 comments saturday january 30 2010 still singing the same old song when we first lost akul i desperately searched for an answer to my questions why how and where did he go i did what i always do to find answers i started using the web and its search engines all i found was poems written by other baby lost moms i wrote them all and re wrote them all and read them over and over again i have no idea why but there was this one poem written by a mom a year after she lost her child at that time i wondered how would i live a whole year without my child but i did it has been almost a year the date is looming over our heads like a mushroom cloud and today once again this poems surfaces i lost my child today people came to weep and cry as i just sat and stared dry eyed they struggled to find words to say to try and make the pain go away i walked the floor in disbelief i lost my child today i lost my child last month most of the people went away some still call and some still stay i wait to wake up from this dream this can t be real i want to scream yet everything is locked inside god help me i want to die i lost my child last month i lost my child last year now people who had come have gone i sit and struggle all day long to bear the pain so deep inside and now my friends just question why why does this mother not move on just sits and sings the same old song good heavens it has been so long i lost my child last year time has not moved on for me the numbness it has disappeared my eyes have now cried many tears i see the look upon your face she must move on and leave this place yet i am trapped right here in time the song s the same as is the rhyme i lost my child today netta wilson written in memory of her daughter caprice cara wilson who was killed in an auto accident posted by akul s mama at 7 10 pm 19 comments tuesday january 12 2010 2010 i have been silent for really long we spent a lot of time away from home during the last month and it helped it helped to be away and spend time with happy people and now we are back back to our old life our silent home the tv that talks incessantly and the electronic picture frame that lights up the living room with pictures of our dying son we are back to facing our crushed dreams and mood swings and i am back to baby lost blog world the year has changed it is no longer the beautiful 2009 that gave me my baby boy to hold and behold and it is not the hateful 2009 that stole my child from me i watched the ball go down in time square and i watch the world squeal in delight welcoming 2010 i looked and wondered why there was so much excitement 2010 did not change my life in any way my husband still looks tearfully at pictures of our lost child and we still parent a picture that sits in a crystal frame my arms are still empty and akul s baby things are still locked away in the closet i am still sitting here talking to you my baby loss mom friends and my eyes are still moist with your tears and mine nothing has changed it still feels like 2009 posted by akul s mama at 12 49 am 17 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom akul feb 13 feb 16 2009 too beautiful for this earth akul s fairy land akul s fairy land skin on skin with dad i love that he is holding sunil s finger i will never i will never sing you lullabies or tuck you in at night i will never kiss a boo boo or soothe you from a fright i will never read you stories or hear you sing a song i will never put your toys away or teach you right from wrong i will never hear you laugh or ever see you smile i will never tickle you or hold you just a while i will never teach you letters or help you with your math i will never play in a pool or get soaked in a bath i will never make you breakfast or prepare for you a snack i will never hug you or ever get hugged back i will never brush your hair or help you get dressed i will never tie your shoe or tell you how i m blessed i will never play a game of tag or hide and go seek i will never comfort you or hold you when you are weak all these things i will never do and it will hurt until forever but you ask will i forget you and i ll tell you never amy gray white rosebud skin on skin with mom blog archive 2010 7 june 1 living without him april 1 february 3 january 2 2009 36 december 2 november 4 october 5 september 5 august 8 july 12 compare free cell phones and best new cellular phone deals find the latest lg cell phones and find great deals on family cell phone plans about me akul s mama i am akul s mom i have only one child and he is not in my arms akul came into this world on feb 13 and grew wings on february 16 2009 he was born a beautiful living and very normal looking baby but the very next day we were told he suffered a brain bleed he came into our lives and changed us forever view my complete profile for your tears followers you if i could have a lifetime wish a dream that would come true i d pray to god with all my heart for yesterday and you a thousand words can t bring you back i know because i ve tried and neither will a million tears i know because i ve cried you left behind a broken heart and happy memories too i never wanted the memories i only wanted you anon a lost baby parent my blog list my blog list subscribe to posts atom posts all comments atom all comments