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description= The Lord your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17;

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Text of the page (random words):
relishes in this role as a mom my most fulfilling responsibility i am hightenedly aware of how incredibly blessed i am to even have this opportunity the other part of me is drowning in a seasonal wave of insurmountable grief i m trying to process the time that has passed since this day since the days that follow this day the fragments of moments i can piece together of the roller coaster of life that flashes through those mental photos or videos in your mind i m different broken pieced back together but never the same i still try processing this timeline of angst confusion grief self realization strength repeat i m a slow processor within a four year period of time i had moved jobs become a mom twice lost my dad suddenly and left my husband i know what you re thinking i left my husband because i was so broken after losing my dad i was broken shattered but the truth is my marriage died long before my dad did in fact ending that marriage was probably one of the best things that happened during that time i had lost my dad suddenly but i d been losing myself gradually for many years my kids my boys were what gave me purpose but outside of them i had no idea who i was anymore what i stood for what i loved what i hated what i was willing to take or give what comprised all of the intricate parts of me losing my dad engulfing that grief forced me to make decisions that i had been fighting to not make i had to choose i did not have the mental capacity to mourn my dad s death and my dying marriage i chose to mourn my dad actually i m not sure it was much of a choice really we each have our own individualized timeline of pivotal moments in life moments that forever change who we are how we respond how we think or feel how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be i m trying to remember the time between the time that started shaping this next part of me that time between the phone call and his last breath that time between the his last breathe and his celebration of life that time between his marked end to leaving my husband that time between leaving my husband and finding a source of strength that time between finding strength and now all the beautiful painful simple or explosive moments that comprise what we always think starts out as a perfectly normal day the days that i thought were uncharacteristically irrelevant to the days that had me sobbing on the floor to the days that brought me heart bursting joy days woven in such a careful way that we never truly recognize them for what they are until they are in the deepest of our hindsight i ve had thousands of incredibly simple and beautiful moments since that time moments that have flashed by and moments that have kept me still moments where i can t catch my breath and moments i m rushing to get through moments of gut wrenching piercing never think you ll heal pain and moments i would give almost anything to relive just once more they are each precious and purposeful in their own right bringing healing one moment closer i m still learning that there is a time for every thing to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven a time to be born a time to die a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted a time to kill and a time to heal a time to break down and a time to build up a time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and a time to dance a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing a time to get and a time to lose a time to keep and a time to cast away a time to rend and a time to sew a time to keep silence and a time to speak a time to love and a time to hate a time of war and a time of peace ecclesiastes 3 1 8 this time thing is my worst enemy and yet my closest friend i m still broken but there s beauty there now beauty that rooted itself over time rachel p s i remarried that ex husband of mine a few years later beauty from ashes but that s a moment to share at another time leave a comment posted in uncategorized june 4 2012 the house that built me by rachel have you seen the movie extremely loud and incredibly close if you haven t i highly recommend it but be prepared to ache there s many profound quotes in this movie but the one that touched me the most was the young boy talking about how if the sun were to burn out it would take 8 minutes for us to realize it it takes 8 minutes for light to travel from the sun to the earth for 8 minutes we would still feel warmth and he felt like his 8 minutes with his dad were running out so he sets out trying to fill in blanks to things he doesn t know about his dad or reliving moments he had with him i can relate every time i come across a picture i ve never seen or a card i had forgotten about i seem to buy myself a few more seconds i will read all of the fortunes he collected or listen to his music we have recently been able to find all in hopes that i can delay the moment my 8 minutes are up i still need to feel his warmth memorial day steve asked the boys and i if we wanted to go with him to ride go carts and since the little guys and i were house sitting for mom we went to a place near her house we had a great time hudson and i won shout out and we even had time to ride the bumper boats i delighted in hearing the boys scream with laughter as we all tried to out drench the other after we left we were close to where daddy works so he drove the boys by to show them a few blocks down i recognize a mcdonald s that was a huge visual trigger for me that we were in the neighborhood i grew up in until i was 8 since i could pretty much get lost in a circle it took some convincing that i could actually find my way to the old house so i was exceptionally pleased when i did as we re driving past and i m telling the boys that s where momma lived when i was there age the woman who currently lives there comes out and sits on a bench on the front porch my heart skips a beat because for a moment i think about how incredibly awesome it would be to go inside i mean who isn t curious about how their old house looks on the inside now but we drive past and i show the boys where my grandma lived and turn the corner to show them where my best friend alicia lived reliving childhood stories as we slowly pass each one we make the block to take a last look and courage overwhelms me okay i ll be honest courage i can pass off onto steve i somehow easily convince him to ask the woman if she would mind if we took a look inside my childhood home i figure the worst she can do is tell the crazy people to go away but she doesn t she immediately says sure and invites us inside i m stunned we get the boys out and the moment we step inside memories rush through me i m instantly a child again giddy with emotion and at this chance to look into the past for a few moments the big front room that my brother and i would jump from one red velvety couch to the other jealous i could now probably walk across in 3 strides it s funny how things seem so much bigger when you are a kid i point out things to the boys that are different and so much is the same it s of course been updated some in the last 26 years but the layout is pretty much exactly as i remember i ramble on about whose room belonged to whom and i decide to keep the info about how my imaginary friend potsy b initially came to me while i was in the restroom to myself i didn t want to freak the new owner out she takes us outside in the backyard and the same huge tree that nathan and i had a tire swing on still stands majestically the tree we leaned against to count for hide and seek and tagged as home base i don t know why this is the particular memory that makes the tears finally spill but it is and i allow the memories to come of nathan and i playing outside on the swing set my dad s tomato garden the hole in the fence where the neighbor kid and i would talk to and spy on each other the old rough couch that use to sit on the back porch don t judge people busting a boy s mouth at my birthday party with the see saw playing with the water sprinkler in my purple swimsuit the stage of plywood that my dad promised would one day be a playhouse feeding my uncle s hyper dog that would jump all over me and tear up my legs the shed the way it smelled my chicken johnny i literally have to swallow the intensity of my emotions because if i don t it will be an ugly cry as we walk back inside the sweet woman who lives there introduces us to her two boys she is a single mom and she works as a daycare teacher at the daycare i went to when i was little and get this the same director is still there 40 years this year she said and i have to pause for a minute to realize how god put all of this together it s not just a small world it s his world she walks us out and i thank her profusely for allowing me this opportunity she is kind and gracious and even invites us back i tell her that my brother would love to see the house and she doesn t miss a beat saying bring em we re about to get in the car and i have this flash of hand prints i m not sure if it s a real memory but it keeps nudging me so i ask her if there are hand prints or anything in the concrete anywhere she tells me that the name rachel is written in the driveway somewhere that s me i can t help but scream without hesitating she goes in the house to get her car keys and backs her car out to reveal two small hands and two small feet with the name rachel and the date dec 80 written between them the sob rising in my throat catches for just a moment before i can t hold back anymore it s my dad s handwriting i hug this stranger tight and weep deeply telling her that she will never know what she did for me she gave me 8 more minutes 8 comments posted in dad faith may 10 2012 in the depths of my heart by rachel found this fun site to make word clouds and when i typed in my blog this is how it turned out just some plain ole fun leave a comment posted in just plain fun march 31 2012 no longer free four baby by rachel my baby boy hudson hit a big milestone this monday or a big milestone for this momma anyway he isn t free anymore he is now the big four i don t know why four seems like such a big number to me but wow it does it s no longer a baby or a toddler as he often let s me know he s a big kid now a big kid with a big personality he is strong willed and sometimes makes this momma oh so tired but i admire how strong he is and i have no desire to break his will i pray i can gracefully raise a boy who s strong will becomes a strong self motivated man of integrity i am so proud and just plain happy to be this boy s momma his giggle is infectious his hugs and kisses make me melt he seems to have a very intuitive spiritual gift i love you hudson isaac elder from here to the moon happy happy birthday sweet pea 2 comments posted in birthdays hudson march 19 2012 two hands by rachel we spent all of saturday celebrating this little man daddy came over and we all went to breakfast i pulled out some candles which quickly had to be narrowed down to a single candle for his pancakes and we all sang happy birthday to him afterwards we went to buffalo nickel to play games and mini golf then we took the boys to a hibachi restaurant for lunch where they had a blast the chefs are of course extremely entertaining ian s favorite part was the explosive volcano he made out of a stack of onions i could never put into words what it feels like to be this boy s momma he is smart and witty he is sensitive and loving he is a perfectionist which he did not get from me he is ridiculously handsome i mean just look above and he s already girl crazy sigh i remember the literal burst of what can only be described as love i could feel in my chest the moment i saw his little body for the first time i cannot explain what it is like to hold your child for the first time it is like having your heart outside of your body and now 6 six years later wipe tears away that s two hands people it takes two hands for my little man to show you how old he is as hard as it is to let him grow up i absolutely love watching each step he takes i get to be a part of his journey gently and sometimes not so gently guiding his way praying all along the way that i carry a light strong enough for him to follow i could not be more proud of this boy who made me a momma for the first time i love you ian micah elder happy birthday sweet boy i love you from here to the moon 2 comments posted in birthdays ian march 6 2012 soccer days by rachel both of the boys tried their feet at soccer this fall i know bad pun i can t help it ian was on the team blue lightening he absolutely loved everything about the sport especially the socializing on the sideline and snacks after the game he really did have a blast playing his super sweet coach lisa taught him a lot and was very patient with the kiddos we are taking a break this spring while he is taking spanish and hudson will play t ball but he is so ready to kick it back up again in the fall hudson s team was called the lil geckos and they were super cute to watch the 3 year old division is co ed so hudson only had one other little boy on his team and they were instant friends if you have never watched 3 year olds try to play an organized sport i highly recommend it it will make your day besides the obvious of making goals for the opposite team they will often just decide to sit down and take a break or run after an airplane they see in the sky soccer days are some of my sweetest memories it melts this momma s heart to see my boys learning and playing and making new friends how innocent and just plain fun life is for and with them they completely fill my heart 2 comments posted in hudson ian the boys february 8 2012 100 days by rachel in celebration of the 100th day of school and 101 days of school leave a comment posted in ian just plain fun january 7 2012 they should be in pictures by rachel for christmas this year nathan took a bazillion photos of the boys for us to have framed for grammy i plan on framing several for myself also they turned out sooooo good thank you uncle nathan for starting them at such an early age they literally pause and pose every time they hear the click of a camera these are just a few of my favorites if you would like to see the rest of the bazillion photos you can check them out here leave a comment posted in family holidays the boys december 30 2011 meet robert by rachel this year our home adopted the in famous elf on the shelf tradition i have a few friends who have done this is the past and this year maybe due to the hype of pinterest it seems to be a everywhere for those of you who aren t aware of the elf on the shelf this creepy little elf comes with a book about how he flies back to santa each evening while the kiddos are asleep and reports on all that has happened during the day then in the morning the elf is in a new hiding place you as a family get t...