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should i consider it progress if i remember and ruminate over regrets and happenings from before she died does that mean that i m returning to normal it feels as crappy as it did then so no not progress regression still fine i think that s the best i can hope for peace posted by caitsmom at 10 52 pm 1 comment labels bereaved parent child loss saturday december 16 2017 schmeh the holidays i m not sure when it happened but over the years i ve come to feel nothing about the holidays i don t care much for thanksgiving that american day of food and family was destroyed after my daughter s death it s just not a time to blather about what i m thankful for and now with the political climate i see more clearly the oppression of the descendants of indigenous people that we read american white settlers destroyed so we could have what we have i could likely make the four day weekend about family and friends and love and sometimes i attempt it mostly though i m apathetic and most recently it became the holiday i last saw my daughter s grandmother alive so yeah thanksgiving sucks and after the relief of going back to work i continue to work pretty hard at just surviving the latest crazy like merry christmas a phrase that was nice for so so so many years there was a time that if you wanted you could include the new year with a happy holidays i can t say either one of these phrases in public anymore without a store clerk or other stranger judging my political leanings despite the greeting i choose i still say these greetings to people i know with sincerity but out there in public i say thanks and have a nice day because that s how i really feel that s the best i can hope for them and me a nice day a nice day that s not a holiday sometimes i snark enjoy whatever holiday you may or may not celebrate perhaps i should find a better phrase nope have a nice day is just fine i need to breathe in some joy i m empty posted by caitsmom at 5 43 pm no comments labels christmas holidays wednesday july 19 2017 i looked up i look up weeping into the sunshine goldfinch flit past my eyes flashing bits of brilliant sunlight within my reach gentle breezes caress my bare arms drying my wet and heavy tears coaxing me enjoy this day coldness from the rock where i am still seeps into me spreads throughout me i take my sorrow and go inside to wait for night where darkness always receives me preventing any distractions from grief i look up turning my face to the darkness waiting for a familiar coldness to overtake me i listen for my sobs but i am not overcome i marvel instead at the near moon light surrounded by blackness a white curved glow piercing the expansive nothing a hope quickens within and a thought forms if the moon in it s passivity can conquer the night i can in my patience conquer this death that eats me today i wept in the sunshine tomorrow i will smile remembering the moon posted by caitsmom at 8 09 am no comments labels arts nature poetry surviving tuesday july 18 2017 her sign this summer i taught music teaching techniques as i have done for years the first day of teaching i walked into a classroom to get materials ready on the piano was a book opened to close to you by the carpenters it made me smile i thought of caitlin anne and singing this song to her everyday along with the other lullabies i sang each visit this was her father s song that his mother sang to him as a lullaby and because she sang it to him i sang it to caitlin the next day and the next day the book remained opened to that song i didn t change it and neither did anyone else we used the piano but never closed the book or put it away i didn t want to lose the opportunity to accept the invitation to sing the song so on friday of the first week i sat down and played and sang it uninterrupted i plunked through the chords and added a bit of harmony and sang the melody softly when i finished i left the book open saturday we received news that the lump they found in his mother s lung was cancer the news knocked the air out of me i don t think that song was a sign from caitlin to me it seems caitlin sent a song to her grandmother through me belief makes things real we have become witnesses again to a family member s journey home the song remained opened until the end of second week i took a pictures of the book on the last day i taught and shared them with caitlin s grandmother in the hospital the following month she smiled and looked at her son that s our song music is the thread the drew that smile from her posted by caitsmom at 10 20 am no comments labels family music signs work thursday november 17 2016 loosed hatred yesterday was my daughter s death date yesterday as i tried to remain focused on my daughter honor her memory with my actions and words to others reflect in peace and gratitude for the grief that visits me to remind me of my brief role as a mother reflect on the complexity of love that both heals and hurts i found an intrusion of unwelcome thoughts of fear i ve been reeling from the election we elected a narcissistic and racist individual someone who is a failed businessman an accused child rapist a person who brags about sexual assault who openly praises p utin and his leadership who refuses to pay people for their work who would like to abolish free speech and who politifact found tells the truth less than 10 of the time several times throughout the day as i tried to remain focused on her my thoughts were rudely and violently yanked to a two second gif of our president elect mocking a disabled person i ve been told that he didn t mean it i saw it i watched him mock a disabled person it wasn t an edited clip he sure as f k meant it i worried about how i would protect her from people like him how would i make sure she knew she was loved how would i shield her from hurtful bullying and cruel words and worse cruel actions that f cker has not one compassionate caring bone in his body and he has emboldened the cruel words and actions of many around the country the very leader of the free world manipulates and mocks and i feel helpless to protect children like my daughter from that model my teacher friends and students in my area and around the country are witnesses to the loosed hatred and bullying pretty soon you guys will all be slaves again was a black student s story to a group now i can grab you or any other chick by the pussy was a tweet from one of my 20 something female college students faggot painted on a car of an acquaintance she can t talk because she s a filthy muslim from a fifth grader our president is going to send your parents back to mexico from a third grader at the lunch table these are real and he is silent and no one is really expecting any words of condemnation from a bully i can t breathe posted by caitsmom at 9 15 pm 4 comments labels anger fear politics thursday september 8 2016 narcissism grief let s see if i can make this story short i m convinced one of my colleague s is a narcissist this person is focused on self to a degree that has destroyed past and present friendships and work relationships i probably shouldn t write about this but i will i have a few things to say that i can t say to this person directly any attempt to reason or engage in adult conversation will likely feed the tornado i did my homework the psychologist s advice for working for a narcissist is leave recently this person was unsuccessful in winning a bid for administrative control at my workplace i was blamed for that outcome here s my silent responses i voted my conscience i made the voices of those without power heard no threats or promises to destroy my credibility reputation or affection of others will deter me from continuing in a manner that honors who i believe i am and who i aspire to be you may be successful in dimming my light from others but that s not happening with my permission or without my push back success in actually destroying my credibility reputation or affection of others may hurt me but my life experiences assure me that nothing will ever destroy me after surviving and learning to thrive in this life after the death of my child excepting my own death in which case that stuff won t matter anymore i am the boss of my emotions and you have no power over me i continue to be grateful for the kindnesses you showed to me in the past although i suspect they may have had selfish motivations my gratitude for the deeds stand i will be kind but i won t be manipulated or a become a complacent receptacle for your anger i wish you didn t believe that hurting others would make your grief lessen i wish you peace and release from the sorrows you bear posted by caitsmom at 9 04 pm no comments labels child loss gratitude work saturday september 3 2016 cemetery visit year nine i made it to the cemetery yesterday i went without anything i used to have items in the trunk of my car so that if i went i was never empty handed i have a new car and the stuff from the old one didn t make it into the trunk so i was relieved and comforted that one of the butterflies was still there from a year ago and that some human angel s left some items there a comfort i dusted off the grass as there was a recent mowing and i laid some empty canvas bags on her grave and sat and read john o donahue s blessings it was a sunny yet comfortable day i spent about an hour there then went off to a visitation for the former student i had that died tragically sat beside another bereaved mom and we both had a weight only we could see posted by caitsmom at 9 52 am 1 comment labels bereaved parent cemetery visits friday september 2 2016 wish she were here i was taking this picture of the sunrise on the beach it was peaceful and beautiful when i uploaded the photos i noticed that a little girl who looked about the age caitlin anne should be today had run into my shot i suppose i could say it was a sign it s not it s a sad and lovely moment where i am reminded that i should be taking pictures of my daughter at the beach rather than catching a glimpse of what life should be i m glad she ran into the shot there s so much joy motion and life i m missing what i do know happy birthday caitlin anne posted by caitsmom at 7 40 pm 4 comments labels child loss gratitude photography signs wednesday august 31 2016 it s been some time it s been some time some time since i ve needed this space since i ve been unable to focus on anything but my grief with singular attention on wishing things were different experiencing inertia with some far off voice of mine begging me to get up someone s only son was killed a couple days ago his mother was interviewed she said squinting through her swollen eye lids with cheeks still wet i m not prepared to bury a child how is she even talking i thought but i knew how what else can she do i liked her son i was hopeful for him he was kind and gentle a stable force for his girlfriend i hoped to have him in my classes again i was certain he was pulling it together get up get your shit together to myself again i know i have limited time to get my tasks completed big deal things with deadlines but all i can do is search for photos agonize over poetry and music that may comfort friends family me i m ignoring my pleas to get something done time is precious but i remain in the fog well not really there is clarity of purpose where i am remembering the dead but the living that s all a heavy fog earlier this summer a young mom lost her baby before it was born she didn t know if it was a boy or girl we sat and talked for hours i tried to focus on her story i did pretty well but after she left i couldn t breath the air was thick in two days it will be caitlin s birthday i hope to make it to the cemetery i haven t been there is so long maybe if i go i will be able to breath again posted by caitsmom at 6 41 pm 3 comments labels bereaved parent child loss older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me caitsmom i m a mom a wife and an individual i stand comfortably in religion and reason view my complete profile friends live the questions now be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything live the questions now rainer maria rilke pure silence rumi i have come this time to burn my thorns to purify my life to take up service again in the garden i come weeping to these waters to rise free of passion and belief look at my face these tears are traces of you from thoughts matter when tears come i breathe deeply and rest i know i am in a hallowed stream where many have gone before i am not alone crazy or having a nervous breakdown my heart is at work my soul is awake mary margaret funk labels advertising 1 angels 2 anger 6 ann hood 3 arts 14 award 3 bereaved parent 72 blogger trouble 7 book 6 caitlin s gifts 7 cancer 2 cemetery visits 29 child 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about it never repe...