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after eva after eva this is about my life after eva as i mourn the loss of my sweet child and carry on breathing without her looking for joy in the morning eva s story home our sweet eva what is a rainbow baby wednesday august 15 2018 7 years it s been 7 years today since the worst most horrible day of our lives the night i will never forget the weeks of shock with months of endless tears today the kids and i had a private eva s ride around our town culminating in slushies for the kids and a coffee with oma for mom the day was not altogether terrible and yet our grief remains our lives forever changed with the loss of you we miss you everyday and yet smiles now joins our tears this life it s unexplainable i will always love you my precious daughter i anticipate the day my arms will enfold you once more posted by em at 10 36 pm no comments tuesday february 13 2018 valentine as i prepare valentine treats tonight for my other children i hope eva knows how much i love her and how much my heart longs to prepare treats for her too how i miss you my tender little girl happy valentine s day my daughter posted by em at 9 24 pm no comments saturday january 30 2016 i can see it in their eyes i can see it in people s eyes when they hear 2011 two thousand and eleven it s soo long ago practically another time their eyes glaze over why do i keep talking about my child why do her brothers and adopted sister still mention her why don t you just get on with it em and i do i really do get on with it but what i can t get over is that i can t believe it s 2016 to me that s harder to believe than 2011 was so long ago i can t explain how it feels like my life stopped in 2011 the world stopped turning except it didn t i still miss my little girl every single day sometimes i am happy and i find it hard verging on impossible to comprehend that i once held my heart s desire in my arms and that i never will again laughing still carries the weight of grief and wonder in that i can t believe i am able to laugh and then sometimes the grief comes and bites me so hard last week there was a baby dedication at our church for a little girl and then the sang the song we played at eva s funeral that kind of shit hits like nothing else and i can t believe so many years have passed nobody even remembers anymore except a very few for whom i m thankful so many in our church never met eva don t even know our large family is short one small but priceless member i seriously don t know how i keep on keeping on how i ve managed to kept it sort of together these past years how is it possible that it s 2016 how is it possible that people s eyes glaze over when they hear 2011 posted by em at 9 34 pm 5 comments sunday october 25 2015 i will hold you again life slowly and quickly moves on sometimes i am driving and feeling okay and then thoughts of you come in my mind sometimes you feel like a dream i wonder if you ever really were part of this world it seems unreal that i should have had you and lost you so quickly i can t even imagine you as a five year old but i know you were here and there is a hole in my heart the shape of you that hurts beyond belief even this many years later i never thought it was possible to weep so much for someone so many years later some days i m okay and some days it s like you died yesterday and all i want to do is scoop you up into my arms and hold you forever i don t want to die as i know i m needed here and i truly love your brothers and josie but the anticipation of living so many more years with this hole in my heart is horrible the hardest part is there is absolutely nothing i can do about any of it nothing i miss you baby girl i wish you would come to me in a dream but i ve given up hoping even for that i love you and i will hold you again in heaven mama posted by em at 10 21 pm 1 comment friday october 9 2015 spinning eva would be five this october 15th it s a lot harder sitting here not getting ready for a birthday party then it is getting ready for one i d say this is a good case of the lead up is worse than the day itself cause so far the lead up has been really crappy my soul aches and it s canadian thanksgiving and i m thankful but sad too so i ve decided to quit thanksgiving at least for this year i just can t get it together to host a big meal clean up and not prepare for a birthday party not preparing for a birthday party takes a lot out of a mama this october 14 nathan will be exactly 2 5 years old had eva lived she would have been exactly 2 5 years old when she would have met and held nathan for the very first time felix is over a year old things are changing spinning i can t quite pinpoint the significance of it all but this feels like a big month somehow posted by em at 4 37 pm 3 comments friday august 7 2015 eva s ride again and then not tomorrow is our fourth eva s ride as the landscape of our grief changes so too do other things and one of these is eva s ride it s not that we love her less if anything it s that our hearts just love her so much it s that there is so much love and nowhere to put it so we have decided this is our last eva s ride eva s ride has been a big deal for me to organize i start with thank you cards in march and i go to our usual sponsors and ask for hot dogs t shirts a bbq it s not hard you know but people get tired of it they get tired of being asked for stuff and i don t want to be turned down it would do me in and it s emotional the cards the hot dogs the water the bbq and it s all not that big a deal except that it s all in memory of my daughter and it just hurts so damn much and i want to end it when people are still coming end it before i have to beg people to come end it before it s so in my face that nobody remembers or wants to remember i guess it s just time i do have some other things up my sleeve but they are much smaller scale and i can do it myself as i want to or need to so stay tuned something is coming for her birthday in october small but kind much love from eva s mama posted by em at 9 43 pm 2 comments tuesday june 16 2015 the yearning i don t think the yearning will ever go away the longing for the could have been the missing of my little girl the emptiness that fills me the absence of her presence mostly i m okay but sometimes i stumble across an old message from someone from a time that hope lived and i m back there with her and all i want to do is scoop her up and hold her breathe her in and never let her go time does not heal all wounds the scab gets tougher but sometimes it knocks up against the past and the pain is jarring today gosh i miss this little light of mine my little sparkling eva girl posted by em at 12 15 pm 3 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me em i am em eva s mama i am the blessed mother of five children four sons on earth who bless me daily and one daughter in heaven who has touched more lives with her brief spark of a life than i will ever know until august 15th 2011 i had four children here with me on her 10 month birthday our sweet eva went home to heaven i know one day i will see her again but my heart longs for her in the here and now one of eva s gifts to our family is a little brother that would never have existed without eva s life and death our rainbow baby nathan evan joined us on april 14th 2013 view my complete profile blog archive 2018 2 august 1 7 years february 1 2016 1 january 1 2015 12 october 2 august 1 june 1 may 1 april 4 march 2 january 1 2014 84 december 1 november 2 october 11 september 5 august 8 july 4 june 6 may 5 april 5 march 13 february 14 january 10 2013 147 december 8 november 9 october 10 september 13 august 12 july 10 june 39 may 14 april 9 march 11 february 7 january 5 2012 96 december 5 november 8 october 9 september 11 august 8 july 7 june 9 may 10 april 8 march 7 february 10 january 4 2011 4 december 1 november 3 eva at the grotto on solstice 2013 thank you suzanne remembering nathaniel eva in maine august 31 2012 thank you kirsten remembering mira on her first birthday eva in hawaii thank you amanda remembering grace eva in south carolina thank you celia remembering noah eva in the truffula tree thank you remembering calypso eva in new york thank you lori remembering jonah followers popular posts a tale of two heartbeats more than i ever wanted to know valentine i can see it in their eyes just perfect watermark theme powered by blogger