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y defined regardless of his intentions dh61 is an interesting well crafted refreshing and versatile craft beer that pushes boundaries by bridging them cheers share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in beer beer reviews brewers craft beer dogfish head reviews tagged beer beer review brewers christiane amanpor craft beer dogfish head giant microbes hybrid ales hybrids james carville mary matalin sam calgione sharknado treat williams 12 comments july 8 2013 by the alemonger secret swillionaires summit reveals big beer plans what with all the hubbub surrounding the nsa leaker snowden and his impersonation of a refuse barge adrift at sea with no taker or safe harbor i thought it might be good time to publish some equally sensitive and potentially embarrassing information regarding a couple of big beer s black bag projects i ve known about them for a few months but been hesitant to reveal anything for fear of reprisals from the corporate goons of abinbev and millercoors but before i expose their plans and enter the craft beer bloggers protection program i want to get back to this snowden idiot for a second how screwed is this guy he s being hunted by multiple u s intelligence agencies and even putin chaves and kim jong un won t grant him refuge unless jason bourne is his bff he s going to end up living out whatever days he has left hiding in some remote shack in the andes hoping not to be eaten by descendants of the uruguayan soccer team that crashed in 1972 impressive show but the real action was in the shadows so back to the big beer secret projects not long ago millercoors held their annual distributors convention in orlando as you d expect lots of glitz glamour showmanship charts and puffery i e lies regarding how well the business is doing and confident predictions of a bright future nothing salacious exciting or remotely interesting there kind of like their beer anyway it seems the real action was taking place behind the curtain late on the second day of the convention there were rumors of carlos brito sightings throughout epcot and the magic kingdom odd why would abinbev s ceo be anywhere near a major convention held by his chief rival the rumors had to be simple cases of mistaken identity after all he does bear a striking resemblance to maleficent disney s reigning queen of evil deeds in action that is well the rumors turned out to be true carlos brito really was there and so was his cfo and a handful of other top abinbev marketing and operations execs something was up abinbev s ceo cfo before heading to the secret summit a warren of interconnecting tunnels and underground facilities practically an entire subterranean metropolis underlies disney world a perfect setting for alighting well concealed spies to discover all manner of planned and nefarious subterfuge just a quick scan of the event schedule revealed an odd reservation a private disney character breakfast had been reserved in the magic kingdom s crystal palace for 3 00 in the afternoon of the second day of the convention a late afternoon breakfast was strange enough but stranger still was the fact that the parties on the reservation were blocked the guest notation only revealed that 24 would attend nothing else on the schedule looked out of the ordinary so it seemed as if something special something unpublicized and unspoken might take place over late afternoon home fries bacon and pancakes with cinderella and her princess clique what better way to infiltrate the breakfast and gather intelligence than to plant a listening device and what better listening device than something with huge ears that doesn t stand out something like this a fish out of water at disney not that this nsa s echelon has nothing on this listening device that s it a hidden mickey they appear in all sizes textures and colors down there and are far more ubiquitous than abe vigoda micky mouse himself might have done a fine job but the princesses tend to get a bit skittish around rodents especially extremely large ones like these mickey and minnie better take the day off or take cover if cary elwes ever walks through the gates of the magic kingdom anyway with a little help from ariel a listening device in the shape of a hidden mickey was planted near the desert table in the crystal palace just before the group was now that s what i call an effective spy scheduled to arrive soon enough she relayed via text that the players were streaming in and it was indeed a cast of big beer characters rivaling the gown festooned starlets clearing their plates and refilling their glasses a who s who of global abinbev millercoors execs from the c suites including marketing and r d honchos arch rivals breaking bread and tonging bacon after an hour or so of small talk and one up manship regarding the size of bribes one another handed out to secure prime spots at the front of every line in the park they got down to the business that brought them together for this secret summit not surprisingly craft beer was very much on all of their minds a full transcript of the meeting would be too lengthy to post here anyway julian asange might take exception to my doing that and i don t want to risk his exposing my recipes for unholy hand grenades or schlomo kameamea s sliders so i m only going to publish an excerpt here if i pass under his radar i ll post more excerpts later on because ariel and the rest of the princesses were asked to leave the room before they got to the serious stuff it s impossible to always identify who s talking so speakers are often only identified by company where possible transcript of the swillionaires summit unidentified millercoors exec mc good luck with that i saw you strike out with aurora and jasmin your adam sandler schtick is priceless and dateless carlos brito brito alright enough of that we need to deal with this craft bullshit once and for all we like our shock top numbers and black crown is right there but i know they re crap and i think we all see the same thing your third shift and batch 15 imposter cut off mc batch nineteen brito whatever it s crap they re all crap and we have to acknowledge that too many beer drinkers outside of this room know it too more and more every day we re not fooling them anymore with the glitzy packaging knock off craft labels and nonsense commercials mc agreed i guess we knew the party had to end we ve crammed so much cheap shit into our top line beers that they might as well all be natty light we thought we d regain some market share with our punch top can but the high school kids would rather jam a pen into a can of keystone and get the same effect for less money probably smarter than all of us because it tastes just as bad anyway unidentified abinbev exec ab our bowtie can is iconic and masterful you guys went in the wrong direction with yours brito let s not not go there we were way over budget with that fool s errand and it ll do little more than slow the obvious trend look we re losing the craft segment has gained steadily and impressively every year since at least 02 and we have to change course or end up remembered as the brewing equivalents of ratt or winger mc or haircut 100 unidentified what s wrong with them ab seriously brito we ve tried everything worked the statehouses and dc choked micro distribution and shelf space bought into some of crafts acquired goose island and launched a more aggressive knock off campaign mc the craft segment calls it crafty kind of works brito well it doesn t f n kind of work for our bottom line or your s either you ve seen the same numbers and focus data we have they want real flavor good flavor they don t want bland factory beer anymore we ve lost the narrative and we re going to lose more than that we re here to brainstorm new bold ideas so let s hear them mc ok we ve had a small group in promotions looking at potential co sponsorship opportunities strategic alliances between brands and external consumer goods and services through relational database analysis we ve identified a strong correlation between our bargain brand drinkers and arrests we think a potential value proposition for that customer would be to offer discount bail bond coupons with every volume format purchase like our 30 pack perhaps a punch card which could be presented at checkout allowing buyers to accumulate points towards a bail coupon something like the free latte customer cards at starbucks ab unintelligable i can only imaging the legal and regulatory bs that kind of concept would entail the revenue limiting divisions compliance and legal and governmental relations will have a field day we re greasing the pols but not richly enough to make that kind of thing fly mc possibly ceo tom long or high ranking exec we re among friends for now so i ll tell you what we ve had in r d for several months we ve been trying to mimic them for years with our knock off lines while we should be mimicking their model brito we re both much too big for that and you know it mc yes but here s where we use our size and resources to finally beat them at their own game they love to pal around with one another and do these ridiculous collaboration brews seems they don t understand the concept of competition if we combined forces we could brew a collaboration beer to end all beers ab unintelligible murmurs and that s exactly what it might do to both of us what are you suggesting we brew something that combines the cheap beer factory flavors already leading to our huge losses insanity mc no we mimic another of their pet brewing concepts and brew something that will revolutionize not just a beer style but will change the way consumers shop for beer in the retail stores while diverting their attention away from all of the craft competition brito we thought we did that with strawb a rita go on mc even more elegant we brew a tripel imperial light beer the craft segment would bottle imperial water a wetter version if they could why not take a page out of their pet project books and brew a beer so light so massively light that it actually floats ab what the f are you talking about do you have one of those on line degree diplomas tacked to your cubicle particle board mc hear me out we ve done some preliminary due diligence and we re moving along with a proof of concept it can be done the beer will be light enough to make the cans float to the ceilings of the retail outlets imagine going to the local costco or bevmo to shop for your beer with a long net or grappling hook the hell with those shelves of craft beer nobody will be looking at them they ll all be staring straight up the promotional opportunities are endless unidentified um outside events picnics whatever airplanes mylar balloons get the greenpeace peta activists all worked up as it is pretty sure stray six packs in the glide paths of a few planes won t go unnoticed ab what about thick lead cans or even lead pellets we could set up chinese factories to brew and can it mc that defeats the whole purpose anyway we ve got the brewery angle covered too even our and your best and biggest beer factories aren t capable of creating something like this only one facility in the world can do it the large hadron super collider at cern it s off line for a couple years now anyhow so we offer to lease it they need the money there s no market for god particles these days anyway straightforward process we load miller light into one end and bud light into the other and flip the switch they collide at near light speed and eureka higgs boson light brito you re right it ll be a beer to end all beers and everything else mc wait wait think of the myriad of revenue opportunities aside from the beer itself that cern place is huge we could fit out a section of it as a hotel a beer breakfast multiple lounges and themed bars the americans come to germany in droves to see their bimmers and benzes being built and take delivery we can offer them the same thrilling experience brito let s break this is outrageous i need a beer right now someone tell cinderella to go off site and get me something there are no decent beers in disney transcript ends not a silhouette these people actually look like this seems big beer has big plans for a very big brewery the next bud branded floating thing you see up there might not be this thing light enough to float one of their blimps blood funnel at foreground cheers now i m off to the snowden circuit share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading posted in beer big beer craft beer tagged abe vigoda abinbev ariel beer beer news big beer budweiser cern craft beer disney hadron super collider hidden mickey light beer magic kingdom millercoors nsa orlando princess bride r o u s snowden 4 comments july 2 2013 by the alemonger senile implant no still ponds in memory s pool i m absolutely certain that at least one of my buddies loves that title and not because he s a urologist plastic surgeon or collector of john wayne bobbitt memorabilia in fact i ll predict that he texted me his approval of it before even reading to the end of this sentence it s catchy playfully annoying and hard to pin down no pun intended really problem is i m not so sure how relevant it will actually be to the content of the this post that s primarily because i m not entirely sure where this post is going to go or even how much craft beer content will wind its way in i do know this i m calling my next home brew senile implant and while the recipe isn t close to the drawing board it ll amlost certainly be a big high abv imperial oatmeal stout something dark and contemplative that promotes thoughtful recollection brewed with the usual suspects of deeply roasted barley and oats layered with earthy hops and fermented with a classic american ale yeast the most important ingredients however won t be in the brew kettle primary or secondary fermentor they won t fit in a carboy and wouldn t do well in boiling wort or fermenting beer mirrors prisms and the catalytic haze of people places and days gone by have to be added long after the brewing process is complete usually after the third or fourth pour a glass of rear view clarity at stone rose scottsdale princess ironically the inspiration for this post didn t develop during a craft beer research session though i did enjoy a spectacularly fresh four peaks hop knot ipa at the brewpub just a few hours earlier that day more on that another time it was early march of 2012 march 2nd to be exact and i was on my ninth trip to scottsdale my safe tree from life s game of tag i d make a tenth visit just 6 weeks later m...