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the contractions were pretty intense but still manageable between contractions i felt this incredible sense of peace it sounds cheesy but i remember telling meredith over and over how amazing i felt between contractions i really felt like i was drugged between contractions contractions especially at the end were the worst pain you could ever imagine but the feeling between contractions made it easier to endure them once i finished yet another session of monitoring i had to use the bathroom however once i got there i was in too much pain to leave i used the bars in the bathroom to help support my through contractions it felt best when i was standing and bent over clint was in there for me to lean on and meredith was close by with her constant encouragement it was time for another monitoring session i was still being monitored the majority of the time and i was so mad i wanted to yell at them not only was laboring in bed more painful i couldn t move my position much once i was in bed or they d lose the continuous monitoring and have to start again i was really having to work through my contractions at this time the nurse and midwife were not taking me seriously unknown to them i had changed so fast and they hadn t even given me any medicine for my contractions from their point of view they though there was no way i could be in active labor one of the nurses kept telling me that the medicine wouldn t even give me contractions but just cramps and it wasn t going to dilate me at all well it took me about 20 minutes to get back into bed they checked me and i was a 7 boom i can t even describe the sensations during transition at this point the contractions were basically on top of one another without much break between i remember one lasting five minutes i was upset that i had to labor in bed a feat which seemed impossible so because of this i asked for a dose of the pain medication you receive through the iv i had originally asked to labor in the shower but when this was denied i felt like i needed something to get through the monitoring in bed i m positive i wouldn t have asked for anything if i was able to labor freely i remember feeling a difference for about five minutes but after that it was like trying to catch a rainstorm in a mop bucket and i wished i hadn t asked for anything at all because it wasn t doing anything at all i remember around this time is when i shouted that i want an epidural i think the nurse laughed and said something like it s too late for that you ll have a nice alert baby i really wanted an epidural the last three hours or so i had been feeling like it was time to push for a while i ll touch on this later but about an hour or two later i was really feeling like i needed to push they checked me and i was a 10 i wonder how long i had been at a 10 i don t remember why but i don t think i pushed right away they had to get the monitors on me i understand that the nurses have to go with hospital protocol but i wanted to throw those stupid monitors out the window the nurse set me up to push on my back but i couldn t i felt like my tailbone was breaking so i rolled over to my hands and knees the top part of the bed was elevated so i was kneeling but my arms were higher the pain pressure was by far the most intense thing i have ever experienced it felt like my insides were exploding to the point that they were breaking my bones pushing was so difficult because it increased the pain tenfold i pushed for about 40 minutes this way although it was much less painful i wasn t making enough progress the nurses were telling me to only push during contractions but i honestly couldn t tell at all when i was having a contraction and when i wasn t i only felt this insane pressure and pain i finally rolled over onto my back and kept pushing even though the pain was so much more intense it was so much harder to push this way when i pushed with ainsley i felt relief this time i felt like when i was pushing i was breaking my bones it was really difficult mentally to push through that meredith and clint were both so instrumental and helpful during this it felt like hell but their encouragement kept me going it was also really helpful to have meredith in the room because i kept reminding myself that she has had two natural births and if she could do it i could too also the nurse wasn t very encouraging she was really critical of my pushing but meredith knew to remind me that my body knew what it was doing i actually really liked my nurses and midwifes while i was in the hospital but as luck would have it the two that were present for delivery were not my favorite of course i still respect what they did and i know i was in good hands however emotionally it was critical for me to have meredith and clint there to give me the motivation that i needed everyone was telling me they could see her head the nurse grabbed my hand a few times to feel her head coming out but the thought of what my body was doing right now was dizzying i did not want to feel it i pushed for about 20 more minutes on my back and she was out they placed her right on my chest and the most overpowering sense of relief came over me her little body was so warm on mine and since she was late she had almost no vernix left she came out looking really clean she was beautiful however her poor little head looked very deformed it turns out she was posterior so much of my labor made sense that s where the early urge to push came from the back labor my sense of my bones breaking the birth injured my tailbone pretty badly the extra difficulty pushing her being late and the prodromal labor both typical of posterior babies and the long ish pushing time she also had a pretty bad triangular shaped battle wound on her forehead from my sacrum once they were stitching me up i had clint take adeline because it was difficult to hold onto her it took a long time for her to finish the stitches they weighed her in at 9 pounds 3 ounces i had just delivered and over nine pound posterior baby with no epidural i couldn t believe it i also couldn t believe that i was done being pregnant i was so happy i knew i never had to go through pregnancy and labor again for this baby at least i can t describe how empowering this birthing experience was for me maybe i ll write a full post on this later but it was a huge contrast to ainsley s birth with her i felt like birth was something that was done to me with adeline i felt in control of my care and my baby and i felt so powerful i m certainly not anti epidural but it was incredible to feel everything without the interference of medication it sounds so cheesy but i feel so connected to other women who have birthed naturally ironically this birth was much more painful and medically traumatic but emotionally it s a complete difference i m very pleased with how things turned out and i no longer fear birth i am healed posted by alexis kaye at 1 39 pm 32 comments thursday april 9 2015 pregnancy update today i had my 16 week doctor s appointment it was such a relief i don t think pregnancy will ever be the same after having a miscarriage those first weeks especially were so scary i hate to say this but getting a positive pregnancy test wasn t even exciting this time because i now know that a positive pregnancy test doesn t mean you get a baby the reality of a miscarriage is too real now i ve also had really bad cramping my entire pregnancy the doctor says everything is fine which has made it even more difficult to relax the weeks leading up to my first appointment were really difficult it was actually a big step backwards emotionally to be pregnant again it increased my anxiety and it was every day was just scary because i didn t know and because i had no indications last time that the baby had passed i had no indication that things would be okay i tried to bond to the baby and feel connected but i just couldn t however there were some good things too it was really healing to go into that first appointment and see a heartbeat i was incredibly grateful i will never take pregnancy and especially hearing a heartbeat for granted again ah what a sweet sound that is at this point i feel pretty relaxed about things i feel peace i m so grateful for heavenly father for this opportunity 14 5 weeks as far as the pregnancy goes it s been much better than my pregnancy with ainsley at this point with her i had lost 15 pounds was on multiple anti vomiting medications and had to get ivs several times not to mention i was functioning at about 2 which basically just means existing and throwing up this pregnancy has still been difficult i hate most food most of the time trust me it sounds more appealing than it is i am still on anti vomiting medications and even still throw up several times a day most days the nausea is constant i don t sleep very well despite the insane fatigue and i m already feeling the acid reflux and back pain the headaches are intense basically pregnancy is just hard work despite all of that i can t adequately express my gratitude it takes every ounce of me but i m still able to be a mother to ainsley and keep up with my basic duties this was one of my biggest fears before getting pregnant i didn t want her to miss out on having a mom for 9 months and turn our lives into complete chaos i m grateful i m not as sick as i was when i was pregnant with ainsley although i ve had to lower my standards a lot for cleanliness and tidiness in my home things are fine i don t do much extra but i m able to do the bare minimum which is cause for celebration i m able to do what i need to and grow a healthy baby life is good ainsley is going to be such a great big sister clint and i are ecstatic to see her in this new role she is so naturally nurturing she is so sweet to her dolls and loves to feed them change their diapers rock them and lay them in their cribs it melts me she s also so concerned about others today at my doctor s appointment they were taking my blood pressure and temperature she didn t know what was going on but she tried to comfort me she held my hand and said it s okay momma don t worry over and over she has a sensitive soul and i think that will serve her well in life she genuinely loves everyone she will randomly point to my belly and say it s a baby in da tummy i don t think she understands but i think she s still excited we are so excited to add to our family thank you for sharing our joy posted by alexis kaye at 4 23 pm 13 comments labels momma business pregnancy bidness pregnancy part 2 wednesday march 18 2015 ridiculously simple fhe ideas for young toddlers ainsley turned two in january her energy matches an olympic athlete on speed when looking through ideas for family home evening lessons online i always came up short even the most simple of lessons were too complicated for my barely two year old not to mention there was a lot of work going into a five minute lesson here are a few ridiculously simple we are talking 5 minutes max here ideas for teaching your toddler during fhe 1 temples we started by going through the pictures in our house looking for temples each time you find one have them repeat temple we have quite a few photos we also showed a wedding photo and told her that because mom and dad got married in the temple we can be together forever finally we sang i love to see the temple 2 the prophet show your child a picture of the prophet and have them repeat a few words at a time president thomas s monson is our prophet show them several photos and have them repeat the prophet or president monson several times we ended with follow the prophet which is now one of ainsley s favorite songs she s goes around singing adam was a prophet first one that we know they really do learn 3 jesus christ show several pictures of jesus have your child point out and say jesus with every picture while doing this tell your child how jesus was kind and loved everyone and we can try to be like him also express that jesus loves them very much have them repeat a few words at a time i m trying to be like jesus and end with that song as well 4 i am a child of god show this video from youtube have them repeat several times i am a child of god tell them that heavenly father loves them and the rest of the family mom dad sister etc sing i am a child of god 5 i have a body like heavenly fathers ask them to repeat i have a body like heavenly father s several times this one is so cute to hear point out that mom and dad also have a body and they let us jump run play etc you can act these out as well sing head shoulders knees and toes we also used this coloring page and rhyme found here 6 i can be happy tell your child that we can work to be happy have them repeat i can be happy tell them that when we see someone who is sad we can smile at them to help them feel happy practice making happy and sad faces together we sang if you re happy and you know it and if you chance to meet a frown 7 prayer have the child repeat i can pray to heavenly father use the handout from this nursery lesson to show your child the order of praying sing a child s prayer i also used this activity verse i begin by saying dear heavenly father raise one finger keep fingers raised throughout the activity verse i thank him for blessings he sends raise second finger then humbly i ask him for things that i need raise third finger in the name of jesus christ amen raise fourth finger she really has learned from it she will randomly repeat things we have told her in lessons and identify thing people from lessons in photos she s young but i think it s important to start young it also brings a warm spirit into our home here is a link to the children s songbook https www lds org music library childrens songbook lang eng posted by alexis kaye at 5 35 pm 43 comments labels being mormon churchy family home evening the gospel of jesus christ wednesday december 17 2014 making progress before i had been through a miscarriage i could imagine that it would be an intensely difficult thing to go through however imagining what it would feel like and actually going through it are worlds apart i previously couldn t comprehend the deep sense of loss that comes every day it s gotten easier to function but the intense feeling of loss is still very present sometimes it ll hit me at the most random times last night i cried for a solid hour just because i wanted to hold my baby i miss my baby a lot i only made it to week 8 of my pregnancy but i felt of that baby s spirit and i loved it him i think as much as i dislike how my body handles pregnancy i miss feeling that connection it s gone for the most part i really have been doing well i get up show up and complete a respectable amount of the things on my to do list never all of them i m not super woman it s still hard it s so difficult for me to not be able to plan things like this and to really relinquish my control to heavenly father previously i thought i was ...