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Text of the page (random words):
place same old thing addict s an addict i guess took him a whole two months and of course the marriage failure is my fault because i asked him to leave never mind what he did to make me finally do that after all this time i m so tired so tired my poor poor poor little girl i blame myself for it all i seriously have no idea how we got here it is completely absolutely mind boggling i don t see any light at the end of this tunnel i may delete this post soon or at least edit it it s just too raw right now but i thought it was only fair to update that is if anyone is still out there sabine posted by sabine at 06 03 7 comments monday 2 january 2012 sad so so incredibly sad that is all posted by sabine at 00 43 5 comments monday 19 december 2011 a break from doom and gloom inspired by marcia hope you don t mind me linking to you just watched the cutest video of her gorgeous kids and it reminded me of a video of baby c from a couple of months ago which just makes me laugh hope it has the same effect on you things are pretty tough at home i m the saddest i think i ve ever been i thank g d for c every day it s solely because of her that i get up get dressed and laugh every day she is at such a cute age and is very funny and strong willed she is also very independent and if i take her to a party or a playgroup she is off and playing without so much as a backwards glance she says mama dada baba up and if i sing or hum she sings along with me every time so sweet i just cannot believe she will be 1 year old in less than a month hope you are all well and gearing up for the holiday season removed p s please excuse her hair she d just pulled her ponytail out a few minutes before posted by sabine at 14 59 3 comments wednesday 7 december 2011 back after 3 weeks away a little longer than expected due to a delayed flight and a strike i m back but not for long we are moving back to sa for now all of us we have talked about it and talked about it for years well the time is now i can t live here anymore isolated from my family especially now especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next the last thing i want is to be stuck here a single parent never being able to go home again this is a very very scary decision for me i m witless with terror what has become of my life i don t know how i got here last night i had a nightmare it was so vivid in the nightmare i had known things about my husband and what he s done for years that i had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn t happen i was so cross with myself that i had forgotten what i knew when i woke up i realised it was true i must be sicker than i thought such was the level of my denial as soon as i woke up i literally began to become flooded with memories memories i had buried so deep that i forgot they existed how scary is that how does that even happen so i have a lot to deal with about myself too and i have a lot of blame to shoulder this was my choice sabine posted by sabine at 13 57 3 comments wednesday 9 november 2011 running away i really appreciate all your comments so thank you very much for taking the time to write them i ve decided i need space and time to think so i m running away back home and taking c with me we leave tomorrow i still haven t packed and i dread to think of the 11 5 hour flight ahead of me with a very inquisitive and restless 10 month old but right now it seems the least of my problems i don t know how i m going to make a decision i really don t part of me thinks if i wanted to give up i d already be gone but then i remember my plan of not making any hasty decisions for c s sake i know time is supposed to heal everything but to be honest as time goes on the worse i feel i think this is because whatever ounce of denial i had is fast disappearing like being yanked out of a dream world and into reality and also the more i think about it the more the enormity of the situation sinks in it is a very very scary place to be never in a million years did i think i would ever be in this situation if you knew my husband and our relationship neither would you and because you all shared your bottom line it s only fair i share mine cheating i always said i would leave immediately no second thought if this has taught me anything it s never to set a bottom line because nothing is black and white no just a huge overwhelming spectrum of grey sabine xx p s theluckylife i can t see your email address please send xx posted by sabine at 16 49 4 comments friday 4 november 2011 so thanks for your comments i read them with huge huge gratitude i know i m being cryptic but i just can t share the full story yet so i will give a hypothetical i hope you don t mind and please bare with me of course it s not the real story and i can t go into full detail but the principles are similar i am lost lost lost drowning i need opinions based on more information the thing that spoke to me most from your comments was the trust thing and there is good reason for this what if my bottom line was blurred by extenuating circumstances let s say the story goes like this your partner has an addiction it could be to anything drugs sex alcohol gambling pornography anything the addiction isn t the point it s what the addiction leads to lying cheating infidelity debt one or more of these things as a result trust is not just broken it s obliterated let s say you found out your partner was a whole different person with a whole different life and you never knew let s say your partner admitted the problem wants help is desperate lost scared broken rock bottom tired of lying to everyone and themselves too makes every effort to get help to make a change to open up to you you have lost everything everything but there is still love there is a child and there is a real commitment to change but he will always be an addict the problem will never ever ever go away simply managed the damage already caused is so extreme it seems insurmountable would you try then would you stay and what if the reason for the addiction was so heinous so unimaginable a childhood beyond belief abuse abandonment lack of love instability a lifetime of hurt you feel sorry for that person you feel sorry for the innocent child they were but you feel scared for the person they have become would you try then would you stay i know this isn t an eloquently put post it s difficult to write it like this without full disclosure trying to skirt around issues false or not maybe one day when i am stronger i can speak about this openly in the meantime please what do you think you would do sabine xxx posted by sabine at 12 39 6 comments wednesday 2 november 2011 what is your bottom line random post but wondering what is your bottom line in terms of ending a marriage i know not a nice thing to think about but i always used to think i would know mine no areas of grey and now i m at a crossroads i e under what circumstances would you definitely leave your husband without a second thought if he was abusive mentally physically or sexually if he was dishonest big lies not small ones if he cheated on you if he had an addiction which was out of control if he was a thief if he was a criminal what if there was a good reason for his behaviour past trauma mental illness abuse etc what if you thought he could change and he wants to change what if you still love each other what if you have children together disclaimer i m not saying any or all of these have happened to us but i was just wondering what makes a marriage end what is your bottom line sabine p s how sad that just 10 months after having a baby together this is the type of post i would be writing never in a million years did i see this coming really posted by sabine at 23 39 7 comments tuesday 1 november 2011 biting thanks for the words of support on my last post we are trying to work things out and getting some outside help too but it s not good at the moment an understatement perhaps last week i really thought it was over and i was going to become a single parent this week i m hoping we can work it out but really my feelings change from hour to hour from day to day exhausting on another note i just came from a good friend s house she and another friend have 2 year olds both of whom are a bit wild lately and i know another friend won t take her child there to play anymore the one bit c very hard on the hand its bruised and indented but no blood drawn and the other pulled her hair poor c who is the happiest smiliest baby cried most of the time we were there and poor thing didn t know what hit her so i was wondering what would you do in that situation how would you react and just in case for the future if your child was the one doing the bullying what would you do in this situation i swiftly removed c and comforted her but those kids move fast i wasn t far from her and i still couldn t stop it and i held onto her after that and didn t stay long and the respective parents the one put the child in time out and then made him apologise to c which he did with a self satisfied smile and the other said something like we don t pull hair and left it at that very interested to hear your opinions on this one hope you are all well sabine xx posted by sabine at 16 23 3 comments monday 24 october 2011 it all falls apart well i never thought i would be the one to write a post like this unfortunately this isn t the i can t be bothered to update my blog anymore post this isn t the i ve lost interest in blogging because i m just too busy too tired too happy how i wish it was no this is the my marriage is falling apart and i m struggling to keep my head above water post i never thought it would happen to me but it did the level of betrayal deceit anguish and mourning are all too much to bear i m not sure why i m writing about it here this isn t new baby stress this is a fucking catastrophe an earthquake a damn end of the world now it s out there i wish that helped p s my baby is beautiful gorgeous healthy and for that i thank g d she makes my life worth living every single day posted by sabine at 13 58 6 comments thursday 21 july 2011 perspective wow thank you for the comments on my last post it really helped me to gain some perspective mash your comment was so well written and just made so much sense and also made me feel incredibly sad that i m actually not there to support her i tell her all the time i m here for her etc i just hope she knows that obviously i know it s related to her being devastated and in mourning and i also know it seemed out of character etc perhaps i need to put my own feelings aside for now and just give her support where she needs it i m the type of person that finds it hard to ignore my own hurt feelings so this will be a new one for me i guess the reason is that she still sends me photos of my niece all the time and expects me to respond with lovely comments and asks for pics of c so i was taken aback with the responses i promise it s not just that i sent photos willy nilly now i feel like i don t want to put c or my feelings in the firing line when i m also sure she doesn t intend to be mean but i don t want her to suddenly wonder why i m not sending pics when she asks either i just don t like the anxious feeling of waiting for a mean response etc those 2 examples are not the only ones unfortunately tough one secondly thanks for the tips on sleeping will try them out oh how depressing when you lie awake when your baby is sleeping c has started to practice shouting and has really found her voice she has this high pitched shriek it is hilarious and she has a huge grin when she does it i m sure the neighbours think something dodgy is going on around here oh and it s supposed to be summer round here but it s been raining every single day and grey skies know you would love it marcia but i have no idea what to do with poor c stuck indoors or in shopping malls all day hope you all have a lovely day sabine posted by sabine at 08 44 2 comments tuesday 19 july 2011 insomnia family and feeling sensitive very random title i know my brain is mush so despite c sleeping beautifully through the night mostly i find myself unable to fall asleep it s crazy i m so exhausted i ve tried counting sheep counting backwards from 100 breathing herbal sleeping pills pilates what gives any great suggestions for me i do have a lot on my mind but nothing pressing and no specific reason for not being able to sleep and if she wakes up for the dummy i can t get back to sleep again it s almost like i am anticipating her waking up again and i just can t doze off i am so grateful to say c is doing so well with solids and is doing great in general i am so in love with her she rolls all over the place scoots on her tummy to get what she wants and sits beautifully we are still waiting for some teeth as i think she s teething chewing on everything and seems to have itchy gums i can t believe my baby is already 6 and half months old my husband s sister and her husband and daughter came to visit us from nairobi kenya this was the first time meeting our niece a who is 2 she loved her cousin and kept wanting to check up on her after she went to bed i was amazed at the difference a short year and half can make how she communicated etc how amazing what a wonderful little girl i can t wait for c to talk to me to tell me what she wants etc incredible we also went off to germany to visit with the in laws c was great on the plane again and does really well with travelling thank goodness we had an absolute blast and she enjoyed being spoilt by her grandparents and they had a great time with her too my other sister in law in sa lost her mother to a brain clot very suddenly about a month ago it came as a big shock to us all and i think she has really been struggling her daughter lost her granny at 6 months old devastating now she was ok with me at first maybe a little more subdued than usual we usually communicate a lot via b lackberry m essenger send pics etc and i consider us close however in the last week she has begun making a few nasty comments about c which i just don t know what to do about i understand she is in mourning etc and i m willing to be patient with her but attacking my child i just can t believe i feel so so upset and of course i ve said nothing and don t plan to but how can i let go of this i need some honest opinions am i being over sensitive here i will attach the pics she responded to example 1 i sent a pic of c her hair has grown dramatically over the past month and is really long and curly on top i sent just my usual update pic i made no mention of hair myself to prompt any reactions i actually sent it to show her first time sitting in a highchair at a restaurant her response to the photo her hair is hysterical she looks like a crazy artist i brushed it off but then i became a bit paranoid about her hair maybe it looks bad etc not a nice feeling example 2 i take c swimming once a week which she...