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Text of the page (random words):
ong as she has and i am in awe of her every day i base my medicine almost exclusively on my ability to see an emergency from the doorway and also my knack for putting people at ease i have never conquered the book smart side of anything i m quick witted and a bit of a firecracker but as i ve said before i carry the protocol book around for a reason i ve also encountered very few people that get both sides of this amazing job most folks are people wise or bookish some people have years of experience that leads them to expertise but few are truly answering a calling and not just answering dispatch we learn from these naturals i have watched ramona hear important things absorb them and use them appropriately one morning as she was teching an 80 yo f that we talked out of thinking she was having a stroke and rightly so because she wasn t i heard her ask the patient how do you feel now compared to when i walked in the door i was blown away by her ability to boil the situation down to the root of the problem and find a way to verbally assess her patient in clear easy to respond to fashion its not always about recognizing a rhythm from a 6 second strip it about seeing what s in front of you about responding to your patients needs i ve learned how to recognize ability and skill in fellow providers from ramona i ve learned that not all new basics are created equal and i ve appreciate the way influencing her encourages me to take advantage of teaching moments that i have typically let pass with my little brothers and sisters in ems but that s not all this kid has given me i m now a beth to someone i m someone s big sister in ems its an awesome responsibility and it makes me consciously think every day how i can be better at my job how i can be better for my patients and how i can make my workplace somewhere that i can imagine myself retiring from and she keeps me grounded about these personal things read failures that have been going on in my life i say x where x stupid statement about above stated personal situations and she immediately comes back with y where y stop talking like that you moron this ramona and me work thing this night time thing it s the one reason i ve been able to keep going throughout all of this missing my son wondering if i m making the right choices being in the grip of crippling heartbreak it s all held together by the fact that i am proud of the difficulties that i m enduring to do what i think is right for myself and ultimately right for my little guy its so easy sometimes to make decisions in an emergency its so easy to find the lowest common denominator of things that make sense and can be handled just airway or just circulation and if you never get past the abcs you re still alright because that s the heart of it in life though there is no lowest common denominator or if there is its vague and without clear cut rules that govern it be happy there s the goal make it happen you have a lifetime but really a lifetime isn t that long the controlled but frantic rush of a sick patient passes in an instant and so does the time we have on this planet to be happy to love each other to leave a legacy i have trouble being told to wait to be patient but no guarantees applied i get anxious thinking about waiting to be happy when the wait is assured and the happiness hasn t been tried on for size i feel that controlled but frantic rush with life i m paddling my ass off under the surface i m trying to get there to be happy but its all relaxed duck above the water the waiting game it certainly wasn t made for this humble blogger i m in a rush in a rush to find out what my life is going to be in a rush to put the past behind me in a rush to get to the next call and let ramona amaze me in a rush to see my son in a rush to have a guarantee that s just the thing though isn t it there are no guarantees if there were guarantees nothing would ever take my breath away posted may 3 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized leave a comment posted april 23 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized leave a comment posted april 22 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized artificial leave a comment fuck this city fuck the street with the dark crematorium parking lot where i bled good decisions fuck having a finger on this impoverished pulse put your finger on the delicate dip in my wrist and feel my pulse i m real this is artificial this is the hype of round holes and square pegs fuck making something out of nothing but adrenaline and time away from playing happy family fuck leaving this in the dust bewildered and awestruck jealous and superstitious waiting a beat doesn t wait a pulse will throb a lifetime unnoticed until its absence resonates its the silence that speaks to me its always the silence stop giving me your soundtrack i ve got my own playlist fuck pretending who would bother pretend and why when this pain is so exquisite posted april 22 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized how leave a comment how do you connect lately i ve been wondering if the very reasons we re good at our jobs are the reasons so many of us have problems at home we come to work completely steeled against the potential tragedy of our ems day we have compassion in a limited and guarded way we walk into that corner of our brain where the switch for emotional availability lies and we flick that switch off before signing on with dispatch its hard to see back into those dark corners to flip up the switch when we re bleary and beaten at the time clock at the end of the day for those people that have regular partners this unavailability is shared its a bond forged in un bondable conditions its strong we have a you and me against the world feeling with some of our partners at work are we able to translate that to our home life i think largely the answer is no in a non ems family there is one absolute bond the bond between family members that would lay down their lives for each other when you respond to 911s you re looking at your partner and saying i will never let anything bad happen to you if you re like me part time and thus routinely subject to partner du jour i say that i make that silent promise to people i barely know its a fierce loyalty that i give to someone who is sometimes nothing to me other than a body seat belted in beside me what do i have at the end of a shift that is just for the person to whom i m committing my life what special bond unique bond can i give to a man that trumps my ability to look at a stranger and feel protective of them and put their emotional and physical well being at the forefront of my mind for 12 hours i ll be honest i m not in a position to wax poetic about the joys of marriage and making a life with someone right now but i can look at this situation without the rosy adrenaline fueled glasses the feeling that i get on an ambulance responding to the worst that humanity has to offer with my partner at my side is valuable to me it defines me i need it in a way that is occasionally directly inverse to the ways that i need to be with my family sometimes i find myself picking up hours a shift here or there just because i m looking for that thrill the feeling that comes from knowing that i have no idea what s going to happen next the loss of predictability its reckless and yet it isn t when i m at work i walk into chaos and create order its a feeling of ability that i ve never had at home i can t create order in these four walls i can t even create happiness but when i get in my truck at the beginning of a shift i know that sometimes order comes solely because i demand it that s not being interested in the loss of predictability though is it its a desire and actualized form of being in control i m not reckless i m the opposite of reckless i m desperate to be in charge of a situation any situation in my life and i think that s something that i share with my ems peers we want to control our scene we aren t playing a game we aren t just driving fast and shooting from the hip we re looking for a way to ensure that everyone goes home for me at least i m offering my fellow responders care and protection that i haven t been able to extend to my loved ones in any tangible way i ve failed at home but at home is not where lives come in to play i m making a mess leaving figurative bodies in my wake in my personal life but at work everything is copasetic i m in charge of the path i make at work i m in charge of the whole show why wouldn t i want to work 70 hours a week that s 70 hours a week when its ok for me to be commanding and when my commands create good declarative statements never work at home that s not how we relate to our loved ones not how we make bridges between one emotional being and another but at work my emotions don t have anything to do with my task i m an automaton doing exactly what needs to be done because i know what s best can a person do both can i walk into work with the confidence and authority required to successfully do my job and look out for my partner and on the same day throw off my gloves and be vulnerable at home i m not rotten i m not a mean person but i have a hard time letting go of that need to know that everything is ok for everyone i m not a control freak but i take it personally if people around me are unhappy or uncomfortable how do i learn to be part of a relationship that isn t based on one person being in charge of happiness and security i m half of a team at work i want to be able to do that at home but we need more than a safe scene at home i take care of my partners at work can i be someone that takes care of my partner at home i think i can maybe more central to the issue for me at least can i be someone that allows her home partner to take care of her posted april 12 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized aces leave a comment you re saying you don t love me anymore so i ve struggled with what i want this blog to be it has been cathartic for me to write and good for me to be able to peruse when i m having a bad day i ve always felt that in my heart i m a writer before everything else and truly its the only thing i ve always done well well writing and being modest that is but i look at these posts and i don t see all of angela i see half of who i am perhaps this is because i ve felt like half a person for so long just part real and the other part just a portion of the stuff that goes into a marriage truth is i haven t been really happy in a long time i m not going to say that my marriage is awful or that i m miserable my husband has never done any of those lifetime movie of the week things to make me decide one day to get up and leave but as i ve spent more time in the world as a worker as a friend mentor student whatever i ve realized that i ve become just a part of a whole just a piece of a larger picture and its not really a picture i buy into don t get me wrong i want to enjoy being a wife and although the 2 year old challenges my patience on a moment to moment basis i do love being a mother i guess maybe this just isn t the situation i thought i would be in i haven t felt like my husband and i are on the same team in a long time actually since before we were married interestingly enough so i decided to leave and for some reason it surprised him i think about that a lot all the warning signals were there for him to see i ve clearly been using work as an escape and also as a means to repair my broken self esteem i ve been distant and i glaze over when we have the same argument for the 5th time in one month i haven t even had the passion to fight about anything i checked out a long time ago i was just too insecure to leave but this seems to be something he would have been happy doing forever and now i m leaving i m moving in a little over a week and i m really excited about it people come up to me and say that they ve heard a rumor and i think they expect me to break down crying as if i m a woman scorned or perhaps i ll confide in them give them all the juicy details of my personal failure as if no longer being married makes me less of a private person my standard response is yeah i think it ll be good for everyone sometimes you just bring out the worst in people and more than once i ve gotten the very judgmental well you seem happy about it at least what does that mean what s the response to that yes i ve been annoying someone with my happiness for 5 years i m gonna let go now before i become someone i hate isn t it great i know i don t have to answer anyone s questions but my own but its a very strange and disarming feeling to know what a small world ems is and that i ve been a topic of conversation in this world for a few weeks reckless abandon so i m starting a new life i ve been asked if i have a plan as in loose guidelines as to things i want to happen in my new life i do i have those things i know i want to be in ems forever i know that i want to magically turn into the kind of mother that other women so effortlessly seem to be i want to be happy being alone but the big questions right do i want to be married again do i want more babies i think i have to table that the first time around i was sure i wanted a baby i wanted to be his wife there was no doubts perhaps because i refused to listen to them this time i m going to listen to doubt i m not going to be so cocksure of myself but i m not going to hold back either i m going to be happy and look for happiness and beauty everywhere i m going to love fiercely i have a tough time believing that we shouldn t give our hearts away that we re on this planet to guard our emotions to hold back when something feels right that we re on this planet to just at all costs avoid getting hurt its an exquisite breathtaking pain when a loved one hurts you its also a moment of clarity we can learn so much about ourselves from simply putting our hearts in someone s hands and letting them do what they will with it i m not scared of being hurt i m scared of never being in the position to be hurt again posted march 31 2011 by alittleshow in uncategorized signal 30 leave a comment my old partner and i had a code word for patients that take blood thinners we are both medics and we both like to just put the patient in the truck and sort our call out without screaming bystanders often we would both be in the back who ever was teching the call would be doing the patient care stuff and the other would be looking through scraps of patient info and med bottles finding clues if a patient happened to be taking a blood thinner the detective partner would say signal 30 which in our service means going back to base to de con the other would then prepare the inevitable 4x4s needed to clean up after the iv i always passed the 4x4s and went right for a towel i suck at tamponading the most dangerous part of ems to me is getting dirty blood puke and other body fluids are gross to walk around wearing i have partially disrobed in the trauma room before and i ve been greeted with ...