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pen i hoped my normal flow of ideas would unjam and i d want to art again i didn t think that was unreasonable i can t even go through the motions even when my passion for making fizzled i could still create some great stuff right now the sight of my rainbow rack of ribbons distresses me further i ve put all my supplies out of sight again for now because i still believe this fundamental part of me will return yesterday i tried to rattle things loose by doing something completely different i tried using fabrics beads ribbons and old buttons to force my hands to wake up it engrossed me for a bit but when i stopped and held it up for a long view any desire to keep at it dropped like an elevator with cut cables what the hell kind of mess is this i despaired fuckfuckfucketyfuck i m trying not to be scared i just upped my dosage of this new medication last night as per my shrink s original orders and i might have to try several meds before anything works at all i know the drill and i ve never existed without arting in one form or other i just want it back so i m trying not to be scared share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading letting go 22 nov 2021 2 comments by sandy sue in bipolar disorder depression hand made cards health mental health mental illness tags curiosity medication opinion perception rigidity i weaned off all psych drugs in 2012 after reading robert whitaker s anatomy of an epidemic which told the statistical downside of treating mental illness with medication ever since i ve been a loud advocate for finding other ways of managing or for those who need those drugs additional ways of coping and self care like a lot of people on a crusade i was entrenched rigid in my thinking self righteous in my correct view of the world we ve seen how that usually ends up about a year after i moved to oklahoma in 2018 the depressive side of my bipolar disorder moved in and never left she would take a day trip once in a while but as time went on she became more and more the clueless stinky houseguest i know the drill when depression comes to visit remember that she lies constantly get busy finding an artful distraction get regular reality checks with a therapist and try not to eat everything in sight over time i stopped being able to do any of those activities i knew i was in real trouble and i had no other options left i had to try medication two weeks ago i went to my psychiatrist whom i fired last winter and told him i would take whatever he recommended he was shocked into kindness after fighting with me over this for three years he spent extra time explaining his choice and our plan of action i cried through the whole appointment as any student of human nature will attest changing a person s opinion or point of view is nigh unto impossible facts don t make a difference persuasive arguments blow past without leaving a mark even one s experience of events serves only to reinforce what is already believed selective perception faith belief opinion operate out of deep need not reality and there are so many different realities anyway i cried in my psychiatrists office because i was letting go of a deeply held belief who was i if i did this thing i said i d never do i felt betrayed and ashamed i felt like a fake and a liar i also felt cautiously hopeful and curious what other ideas opinions facts could i let go of if i let go of this what do i believe that might be holding me back this attitude of quiet curiosity is an old practice but i ve not been able to practice much of anything in years i m more amazed and grateful for this way of holding my experience than i am for the relief i m receiving from my medication and i suspect that the two go hand in hand ain t that just the way of things more adventure ahead share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading getting real 07 oct 2021 16 comments by sandy sue in art art journaling bipolar disorder covid19 hand made cards mental health mental illness nature oklahoma quality of life therapy travel video tags acceptance and commitment therapy scotland i just got back from getting my real id it s a perfect morning in eastern oklahoma bright clear cool so the short drive over the arkansas river with the pretty foothills in the southeast pulled my shoulders down from my ears i ve been fighting a sinus infection for the last week getting out and breathing in the beauty of today was better medicine than anything on my nightstand getting a real id the one that gives a person more access than a regular driver s license takes some preparation this kind of red tape is stressful for me ghosts of doing it wrong rise up and cluck but when i dug out my passport it surprised me by still being valid it also rolled out wonderful memories of my whirlwind trip to england in 2014 and stirred my current fantasy of visiting scotland some far off day whirlwind souvenirs i was real when i traveled to england but realized i d lost that sense of myself too much stress too many changes too many dreams abandoned trump covid oklahoma and adapting to life with my sister my bipolar disorder wrapped me up like a quilt and bundled me into a safe padded room today my illness feels lighter today my art is coming back like red tailed hawks came back to iowa after ddt left the ecosystem the birds migrated to a place where their eggs could be viable but eventually came home again when it was safe my art seems to be laying eggs again too i m getting new ideas using new elements trying scarier and out of my comfort zone things like making little watercolor and marker sketches of my own to illustrate my cards a walk through my sister s lovely backyard garden gave me lots of deadfall and other treasures to make some different kinds of cards sewing something so fragile feels like a meditation and i haven t been able to meditate in a long while my therapist and i are also working with a new for me kind of therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy lots of familiar behavioral and mindfulness elements presented in a new way one of my first tasks was to sort through what is important to me honestly i wasn t sure anymore so that took time and now i m journaling about how i move toward those things or values you can see how much progress i ve made so far with this unmoored sense of self i will have to dig to find ways i am actively seeking the things i say i value if i m doing that at all and it s scary to think how much they might have changed or if i just abandoned what i loved and valued but that s what therapy is for right to set a new course to get real and maybe when i m a real girl again and the covid pigs fly and the border unicorns prance open i ll take my passport to scotland and breathe in the beauty there oh today i am blessed with adventure share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading team thanos 13 aug 2021 13 comments by sandy sue in art bipolar disorder coffee shops covid19 depression distraction hand made cards humor isolating mental health mental illness oklahoma relationships the work tv and movies i was always team thanos when the avengers movies came out honestly the guy was misunderstood cut the population in half with no suffering cut across all political social and income levels bring the earth and every planet back into balance covid is trying but it s not nearly as fair tighter restrictions are back in place since the rise of active cases i know a lot of people who refuse to get vaccinated and others who think being vaccinated is the only precaution they need to take here in beef country ranchers are dosing themselves with cattle dewormer instead of getting a shot i think we deserve a visit from thanos today i d be happy to provide one of his vacancies after a spell of soul crushing depression i got up this morning determined to do the work of managing my illness i packed up my traveling art studio and headed to starbucks which is closed again and it s not like arting is a comfort anymore though if i work really hard at it i can find some distraction from the ugly in my head and from the growing sclerosis that continues to crystalize around my heart it s easier to feel nothing to shut all doors to cancel anything that brings me in contact with people easier but it also makes me feel less human yeah okay i m contradictory and contrary bite me still determined i stopped on my way home to get a healthy smoothie pulling out the little bit of bipolar badass that hides in my hindbrain i will art on my bed with marvel s agents of shield running in the background and i will try to distract myself by making cards for the people i still have feelings for even if i have to root around a while to find a soft spot in my heart if i can find it i can nurture it with art i know i can but if thanos shows up for supper i m splitting a pizza with him share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading happy long weekend 03 jul 2021 13 comments by sandy sue in animals anxiety bipolar disorder hand made cards holidays hypersensitivity mental illness ptsd hope you and all your critters have plenty of hidey holes when the fireworks start and go on and on and on and share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading amazing 19 may 2021 6 comments by sandy sue in art journaling bipolar disorder depression hand made cards mental illness suicidal ideation tags agitation anger memory suicide eli from israel asked me to make an omg card for him he told me he has two cats and dreams of being a father he also likes maya angelou eli if you happen to see this before the card arrives in the mail i m sorry to spoil the surprise like all the special orders i am privileged to make they come at the exact time i need to make them i m moving through another long trough where my head is filled with possible suicide options normally i wait until i m on the other side of said trough you know to be positive and uplifting but it feels important to share where i am now maybe to name it maybe to ask for support maybe to poke holes in the red rage that encapsulates it maybe just to be honest a song came up on my ipod a few days ago that grabbed me by the throat it was from another life when i was a different person my friend frank anthony who is dead now singing about light and truth resurrected memories of great love and compassion i remembered singing with him and my friend carol i remembered laughing hard with lily i remembered using my hands and my voice to heal and comfort i remembered being present now i m an angry person more likely to say fuck you than thank you i opt for numb instead of present those memories felt like a story i might have written long ago divination for my round robin journaling group and yet and yet beauty can still call me back a young woman just walked in front of the coffee shop window with a huge bouquet of cut flowers blazing color against the rainy gray day a lithe smoky gray cat slipped between the tires of a parked pick up and blinked up at me with water clear eyes i m still able to breathe thank you when beauty arrives to me that s amazing share this share email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading previous older entries email subscription enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email email address sign me up join 1 878 other subscribers recent posts it s time taking up the sword again waiting tolerating the discomfort without top posts pages transition and the tricksy strategy 30 days of gratitude day 19 30 days of sandy sue altered 14 20 days of valentines day 12 archives archives select month march 2022 1 january 2022 1 november 2021 4 october 2021 1 august 2021 1 july 2021 1 may 2021 1 april 2021 1 february 2021 1 january 2021 2 december 2020 1 november 2020 1 october 2020 1 september 2020 1 july 2020 5 june 2020 15 may 2020 16 april 2020 28 march 2020 12 february 2020 7 january 2020 7 december 2019 7 november 2019 7 october 2019 10 september 2019 8 august 2019 5 july 2019 6 june 2019 8 may 2019 8 april 2019 7 march 2019 5 february 2019 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