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Text of the page (random words):
on t come she stood she looked from the toddler a baby really to us to her parents and then ran she ran past us as her baby sister s cries turned to wails but the parents remained where they were my youngest reached for my hand and held it as we drew closer to the baby i wondered what my older children would do when they came to the baby would they stop keep going and i realized that in the coming moments i d have to make the same choice would i walk past a crying baby could i my older children hesitated they stood on the path near the toddler shuffling their feet staring at me as if i knew what to do i shouldn t interfere with another s parenting i knew this i repeated it over and over to myself with each step it was what my head tried to convince me as my heart ached i let go my daughter s hand crouching low over the baby i rubbed her back she lay facedown in the brush along the path twigs entwined her curls and dust smudged her forehead oh honey are you okay her cries grew softer the parents watched all of this i stood their little girl brushed off that pretty flowered coat of hers and took her hand still the parents stayed the toddler stared at me quiet now her eyes swollen lips trembling those cheeks don t interfere it s what we re told these days what we tell ourselves i heard it but all i knew in that moment was the baby girl i started to walk her to her family one step two she stumbled do you want me to carry you she nodded before i lifted her to me i knew i was a crossing an even more profound line here i was a stranger carrying their baby i expected the mother to rush forward the father close behind they didn t move the baby girl lay her head against my shoulder tucked herself under my chin as if my body were a familiar place to her with my jacket cuff i wiped at the mucous draining from her nose before laying my palm to her cheek so soft we walked toward her parents some distance away unmoving unmoved her older sister bolted from them toward us hesitated she bit on a finger and then ran back to her parents the last few yards of our approach the baby s father stepped forward and held out his arms she s very stubborn he said passing her to him the spot along my side where she had knit herself a place grew cold she s exhausted she s a baby what i wanted to say was how could you walk past a crying baby your own where s her carriage a drink where s your compassion the rest of the day i was betwixt and between the spot where i d held the baby girl against me felt strangely empty and cold it was a nothing event nothing smaller than nothing and yet i kept hearing that voice say i shouldn t interfere and it wasn t wrong not exactly but in a world desperately in need of compassion what hope was there if a baby s own parents failed to provide her tired legs with a stroller her runny nose with a tissue her cries with comfort it is the most primal act to soothe a baby and they didn t my faith in humanity was badly shaken later i asked my son only fourteen and already towering over me what he thought the closer i got to that baby the sicker i felt he said how could they leave her there it reminded me of last year in lunch when i saw two boys eating alone i felt real sick then too so i asked them to eat with me and my friends i m glad you didn t walk past her i couldn t he bent low tucked himself under my chin and wrapped me in a hug that cold spot along my side now warmed posted by amy mackinnon at 7 30 am 3 comments labels faith tuesday august 24 2010 baby baby baby by amy mackinnon blood there isn t supposed to be blood but there it is my stomach flips failing to right itself my hands knees and voice tremble while talking to the obstetrician on call his soothing words can t reassure me but i ll repeat them to reassure those around me only nine weeks into my third pregnancy and i m on my fourth day of bed rest i steel myself for each trip to the bathroom but there s more blood this time too much this time the i speak to the nurse she s become a friend and this time the reassuring words do soothe me she tells me her story her first pregnancy and three months later the spotting began she lost that baby but somehow had conceived a second while still pregnant with the first after being pregnant for eleven months she gave birth to a son her miracle i don t believe in miracles and we end by making an appointment for the following week my husband holds me saying it s probably for the best we weren t prepared this unexpected pregnancy he returns a few moments later eyes full voice thick he s sorry sorry for the words he didn t mean the baby whose life we won t share his inability to comfort me yet it s the pain he shares that s the greatest comfort we hold each other our three year old daughter lays beside me in my bed quiet her head tucked under my chin as my husband and i explain the sister she longs for won t be our son only eighteen months doesn t understand all of it only enough to know his mother s crying he wraps his chubby arms around my neck kisses me a thousand times when i smile it s his cue to jump on the bed the children have already begun to bounce back while i haven t begun to grieve some days later i sit in my doctor s office as if awaiting a death sentence the morning sickness that s wracked me now resolved my once round stomach already flat again they don t keep me waiting long the nurse embraces me i thank her for her kind words and a short time later i leave knowing i won t be back again until it s time for my annual physical i won t be back every month then every two weeks and finally weekly for my maternity visits the doctor won t measure my growing belly chastise my increasing weight share his own stories i won t call him in the middle of some march night to tell him it s time in the parking lot tears choke me as i try to find the ignition soon i can t breathe i miss my baby i desperately wanted that baby i suddenly realize i m a mother to a child whose face i ll never see whose body i ll never hold though not a person of faith i beg for my child two days later the phone rings it s the nurse calling with the results of my tests i m prepared for the call she said it would be coming i m not prepared for the words i m still pregnant my baby is still with me my baby is alive words i didn t expect to hear because hope hadn t been a part of my life these past weeks i hang up the phone and fall to me knees lifting my shirt i wrap my arms around my baby my daughter is now 12 and the light of my life posted by amy mackinnon at 7 22 am 22 comments wednesday march 24 2010 writing the second book by amy mackinnon so a friend just emailed asking for advice on writing the second book me laughable and wholly misguided considering how many times my dear friend lynne griffin had to talk me off the ledge it takes a great deal of faith to write a book a whole lot more to write the second this is how i responded and i hope you ll share your experiences with your own writing process as for writing the second book you will be filled with dread self competition a word you make up because you no longer have any grasp over language anxiety self loathing thoughts of self mutilation your finger will constantly hover over the delete key your first chapter will suck and suck and suck your trusted readers whom you now doubt and maybe despise a little will tell you it sucks and then finally it will be good enough for you to move on to the second chapter but not yet good just good enough but not really that good at all you ll cry a lot doubt every cell of your being knowing you suck your goal will be to write two pages every goddamn day but you can hardly write two godforsaken paragraphs and they are simply put pitiful you write revise revise write write revise until you move on to chapter three and it will be the slowest chapter of your life ever but you push through to chapter four and it won t be so bad because you reward yourself with food it s the only joy left you eat chocolate chips wasabi peas a lot constantly really until your sides overflow your pajama bottoms but it s worth it because you re writing and someday when you sell the book you ll be able to afford those spanx then on and on you write and at this point when your finger hovers over that delete key it won t linger there quite so long as before resignation will be your constant companion until one morning an epiphany strikes you between the eyes and you dare to believe you re a freaking genius and you write and it s hard but no longer excruciating just hard as hell but you re writing and you see an impending shape and that keeps you moving forward because if you don t move forward it s not as if you re going to fall backward worse you ll just stand still and that s when you ll fall off the grid completely so you move forward and you fully see there the path you re on strewn as it is with enormous boulders you must surmount every few miles you become familiar with the people accompanying you on this journey your darling characters and you start to love these people who exist only in your head and on your page crazy you more than most people in your real life which doesn t feel quite so real anymore and you care for them and your soul starts to inhabit their paper bodies but they re real aren t they and you write them with your heart and head you bleed for them and then the end is only a chapter or two away and you begin to slow down not wanting it to end not wanting to lose the omnipotence of breathing life and loss and love into these people and what if you get the ending wrong and all of this is for naught but you won t because you always intended to go there right there and a spot to the left and finally you do write the end and you make yourself cry and are convinced most days it is probably mostly hopefully good enough at least it s the best you can do at this point in your life and you hit save draft stand stretch walk away rush back and start again at the beginning posted by amy mackinnon at 9 24 am 18 comments labels believe sunday january 3 2010 birth and rebirth by amy mackinnon nine days after giving birth to my first child i died that morning my husband woke to the sound of my teeth chattering and whole shuddering don t worry i said it s just my body finding its way back moments later while i lay in bed nursing our daughter a rag between my teeth to ease those first excruciating moments as she latched on my husband called the boston hospital we d left only a week before never mind the er a nurse said bring her back to the maternity ward but we were deep in a february frost with layers of snow and ice covering everything there was the wind chill factor to consider and our baby s tender skin i refused to take her out into new england s unforgiving winter my husband wouldn t listen he dressed her while i protested buckled her into the infant seat while i cursed him he took her to the car knowing i d follow i d follow her anywhere at the hospital a nurse banded my wrist and my baby s brought in a bassinet for her and settled me in a bed she took my temperature and blood pressure and averted her gaze when i complained about my husband s ridiculous anxiety everything appears fine she said heading for the door a doctor will be in soon to examine you i glared at him to emphasize her point we waited mostly in silence as the hours passed one into the next until my daughter needed to be fed again and my husband welcomed the chance to escape for lunch he kissed us both goodbye i don t recall returning the kiss i d like to say i did once he was gone i slipped my nipple into my baby s mouth overcome by the flush that ran along her plump cheek the smell of her neck the potency of my milk flowing from me into her i loved her she fell asleep in my arms though i rarely used the cradle at home this time this one time i placed her in the bassinet the nurse brought earlier moments after i settled myself back in the hospital bed a terrific heat overcame me it started at my core and rushed to my head a doctor a woman walked in reading my chart she was all business standing beside me like that what brings you here today i became aware of the river then inky blackness that swelled from beneath and rushed to swallow me it roared in my ears and blocked my peripheral vision i arched my neck to keep my face above the surface reaching my hand out of the murk to grab hold of the doctor s wrist save me for i moment i floated underwater lingering there in the distance above the surface came the sound of muffled voices the doctor s among them i need help in here the last i felt of my body it was convulsing wildly a fever raging within it rolling one seizure into the next and then i was whisked downstream and away while doctors told my husband that it didn t look good that if i survived i may be left brain damaged i floated in the river bathed in luxurious waters nothing had ever felt so good as my husband phoned my parents choking when he told them i lay in a drug induced coma that a machine now breathed for me i tried to make sense of the familiar voices that swirled about was that my nana i was perfectly content everything was calm everything was right almost i thought of my daughter a person i d met just days before how had this little person someone i barely knew but knew better than any other how had she become everything i couldn t leave her i wouldn t she needed me but i needed her more i raised my arms and pushed back against the current the woman who d been with me the one i ve come to think was my grandmother became euphoric i felt her cup my head and then take it away again she left me as i struggled to swim back alone i kicked my legs and swept my arms in ever widening arcs the effort was enormous nearing the surface i became aware of pain again and the need to breathe i gulped and gulped for air but none came finally i opened my eyes and a nurse was instantly by my side eleven days after my daughter s birth i was reborn my arms and legs were tethered to the bed and a tube snaked down my throat soon all were removed and my family was called when my husband came carrying our daughter i kissed him this time passionately gratefully he then placed my baby in my arms and i pressed her to me there are no words i knew then and forevermore i would follow her to the ends of the earth and back again i also knew that even in death love prevails posted by amy mackinnon at 2 31 pm 3 comments thursday december 31 2009 here s to hope by amy mackinnon i remember last new years eve well i remember holding fast to those moments before midnight not wanting to let go of 2008 it wasn t that it had been a stupendous year though it had its moments but i knew in my bones 2009 would be a year of pain and it was it seems everyone has suffered through this miserable year people i know well and hardly at all have lost their investments their jobs and homes their health and worst of all loved ones no ...