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Text of the page (random words):
an unstoppable machine whoops not content to merely let their cover jinx extend to the power rankings on their website the blurb within the power rankings alludes to the padres 96 7 chance to make the playoffs according to baseball prospectus best in baseball at that time these two factors put the padres in rarefied air nothing but air unfortunately know how in the old looney tunes cartoons a character usually wile e coyote can run off of a cliff and continue running on air but only until somebody usually the road runner points out the situation of course you do that s where the character succumbing to physics and a huge look down sign plummets comically to a dusty and deserving death ok not death per se but you get my drift click here to continue reading birthed from the mind of phony gwynn at 10 56 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels looney tunes losing streaks perilous leads san diego padres si com monday august 16 2010 a play in one act the setting an upscale house in kohler wisconsin a little boy named dusty enters and encounters his mom pag it s an irish name she is unhappy pag dusty where have you been dusty i ve been playing with some friends it was really fun in fact i just came in here to get a drink then i m going back out to play with them again he moves toward the refrigerator opens it and gets a gatorade as he heads for the door pag stops him pag you re not going anywhere you re grounded dusty grounded for what for how long pag for two weeks and you should know why i m grounding you dusty lip quivering i i don t pag before you went out to play a few days ago i posted a note on the garage stating where you couldn t go with your friends one of them was a hazardous place the dirt hills behind the bowling alley that s where you went and that s why you re in trouble dusty but but i didn t see any note you didn t tell me about it and it s not hazardous it s just dirt and if it s so hazardous how come dozens of kids were playing there and why did the petroskeys move their weekly flea market there pag it was clearly posted here they walk out to the garage taped to the side of it the side facing the neighbor s fence the side where nobody goes because there s only about 18 inches of space is an index card with minuscule type which reads pag furthermore the dirt hills behind the bowling alley shall be off limits but only if the security cameras from the conoco across 68th st happen to place you unequivocally at the scene plus your uncle walt knew these rules and was out there watching over you dusty yeah i was going to ask about uncle walt if he was out there and he knew i was breaking a rule why didn t he tell me pag because he can only tell you if you ask him first dusty so if i had known that i had to ask for help i didn t know i needed i wouldn t be grounded pag exactly dusty walks sadly up to his room alone birthed from the mind of phony gwynn at 2 26 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels dustin johnson people were fucking standing in it while he hit pga stupid rules monday august 09 2010 oh jesus well i told you those muslims are tough damn free will next to the platypus it s been my biggest mistake i thought you didn t make mistakes father everyone makes mistakes son it s part of life speaking of which remember how we were talking about how angry we get when athletes invoke our names after wins but never do it after losses as if we actually cared about those games they play yes father i specifically remember talking about a young man named tim tebow precisely son we were fine with his outward praising of us in college but now that he s a pro i ve decided to show him and his denver broncos teammates that they should keep his deification to a minimum hopefully i ll have rectified that mistake what did you do father well i i decimated his team you crashed their plane no no no nothing like that i just tore their best young offensive lineman s knee apart back in april put down their entire backfield in the span of 10 minutes on the first day of training camp and then this one s the kicker took out their best defensive player just a few weeks after they signed him to a five year extension wow that should teach them hey hold on i m getting a picture message from a friend of mine he s a belgian monk makes some great beer checks phone oh me shows to his father they should really really think about taking the bus from now on actually father you know what would be worse what turn them into cleveland c mon son i m not that mean birthed from the mind of phony gwynn at 1 30 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels blasphemy denver broncos nfl tim tebow friday july 30 2010 it s the thought that counts throughout my life my mother has had a hard time buying me gifts when i was little it was no problem because if it was a toy i played with it no big deal but once i got a bit older my mother started buying me clothes for birthdays for christmas clothes and they were never in style at that moment or things i liked or they didn t fit basically i can t remember one single article of clothing my mother ever got me for a gift where i was like sweet i m gonna look awesome in this and then i wore it and it totally got me chicks still i knew my mother loved me it was the thought that counts i feel the same way today as a padre fan yesterday new gm jed hoyer traded a pitching prospect wynn pelzer for the deteriorating corpse of miguel tejada ok that might be a tad harsh sure miggy s only ops ing 670 this year with just seven homers in 401 abs but he s still a veritable doubles machine and should stand to drive in some runs if the guys ahead of him can get on base this move means that chase headley probably moves to the outfield everth cabrera gets sent down and jerry hairston gets a lot more time at short hoyer has said that tejada might see some time at short but i don t see it he s too old and many of the padres starters induce a lot of grounders he should either play third or maybe second but not short please part of this team s strength is their defense and playing a 36 year old at ss severely hampers that unless you re dreamy and can go to your left like jeter is miggy the same guy who won the 2002 al mvp not even close is he as bad as his numbers this year i d like to think not would you put up good numbers on that orioles team cal ripken rolled over in his grave so much this year he ended up in china this isn t a c c sabathia type move but it s a move it adds a little pop to the lineup and announces that the padres are buyers buyers man that feels good to type plus san diego s pretty close to mexico they got cheap pharmacies down there right birthed from the mind of phony gwynn at 10 39 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels b 12 miguel tejada san diego padres thursday july 08 2010 lebron james decision an exploration in rock and roll songs from chapel hill in the 90 s 00s lebron james decision an exploration in rock and roll songs from chapel hill in the 90 s mentally i am exhausted i went to the woods and removed myself from civilization for a few days and came back to two jobs overwhelming debt an overarching sense that i am not doing anything well in my life and 14 16 hours days also i came back to new york city as the go to for a lot of my friends for where s lebron going talk i m a basketball guy i know this i love this but there is only one way for me to describe to non basketball fans how the lebron decision affects fans in the contending cities be as obscure as humanly possible so here non basketball fans this is what tonight means as described by 90s 00s rock groups localized in the greater chapel hill nc area lebron spurns cleveland small 23 steal some candy cleveland has been both a blessing and a curse for lebron he grew up in ohio has been the most beloved athlete in cleveland until tonight possibly and gave hope to a grouping of the most troubled fans ever to grace american major sports still he was unable to escape his friends focus on basketball and basketball alone and every problem was magnified by the cleveland populace s rightfully placed negativity thus small s anthemic driving rocker it s been a couple days and i get the feeling it s just another sign i ve stayed too long pieces of the puzzle keep disappearing it s always been a matter of what went wrong lebron stays in cleveland archers of loaf underachievers march and fight song cleveland s underdog mentality despite not getting a championship quite yet can finally rest a little easier this is the time to dance and play guitars and smile at one another despite hardship you see if lebron stays cleveland is a relevant state in the basketball and american sports union this is their chance to hale it all the name of this song says it all and the lyrics reflect a city with a lighthearted sigh decompressing their quickened hearts plus screw the major markets yeah fight the man doomed to fall smashing their evil empire up against the wall all for one one for all til their done with free space can t really get closer to the explanation than that lebron chooses the knicks polvo right the relation polvo wrote this song very obviously about their breakup when they were at the top of their collective game i killed my creation to right the relation this is lebron s thinking if he chooses nyc i know i left cleveland ai loved them but i had to find other means other money other outlets lebron in new york makes no sense to me but for his megalomaniacal brand driven mindset there s no better course than to make the history he was destined to sure polvo s decision was a little more low key but dramatics have little to do with an passionate choice it s about the moment lebron spurns the knicks superchunk water wings um these might do was it worth the wait was that the wall where you marked off the date the wings made of wax made of water he was too dumb to accept the offer he was too smart she pointed at the black cloud in the sky she said that s what happens when you re learning to fly she said with you it is no use why do you try lebron chooses the heat raymond brake new wave dream this song s music is really what describes the mood of this move the idea of watching chris bosh lebron and dwayne wade was a feverish 4 am dream yes i woke up stayed awake to see them play in 2008 s olympic games the prevailing rumor is that these gentlemen planned to play together all along if this is true the mathy stop start pacing belie the basketball fans idea of the move on one hand we get to see an amazing sight on the other hand we all know the drama surrounding each player s decision was an underhanded and ridiculous ploy for attention as the warbling vocals and guitar layers wash over us the basketball fan doesn t really know what to do with all of the new shiny toys laying under the trees also at play the fact that this band was largely ignored unless you lived in the area really only miami fans are truly excited to see this the rest of us a cringing even if only just a little bit lebron spurns the heat superchunk driveway to driveway this is pretty self explanatory the heat already got more relevant they got two big names kept their superstar and have been walking around in a haze for the last two or three days nice feeling but once the hangover comes on you realize that you spent a lot of money for a better than average team lebron chooses the bulls squirrel nut zippers meant to be as an nba fan this is the choice i love the most all the time i m finding ways to make things fall in line i know how tricky things can be listen here some things are meant to be the bulls have everything lebron needs major media outlet money a solid team ready to compete a new big name michael jordan s legacy and a chance to win immediately lebron has everything the bulls need explained by the fact that he is the best player in the game right now unless you have a rooting interest in cleveland this is the move you root for if you love good basketball this is the move you love more than you love your own teams chances this is the move that makes you nod respectively and look forward to seeing a great team those don t always come along and this is our chance to see one this isn t three big names and a slough of small contracts filler this is one great player young talent and a dream of a championship this is what we want lebron spurns the bulls since michael jordan left this is the general milieu mistakes regret good players floating in and out of the uniform but nothing permanent nothing that can compare to the high of those championships all of my friends have floated away connect the valley to the astral plane yeah they ll have a good team but the second best player may have floated away with all their championship dreams so there you have it each team with a real shot the new jersey nets and the la clippers were mercifully left off this list and the song that best describes them from a town that never really caught on not bad after being removed from civilization for a week the only regret is that so many bands never made the list since the youtubes are a little more modern than their run in the 90s sorry spatula maybe when carmelo anthony makes his decision oh and for those of you bored with the whole fucking thing sleepytime trio not without my swimmies no they weren t from nc originally but fuck it this shit destroys birthed from the mind of jeff laughlin at 2 11 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels lebrocalypse nba north carolina older posts home subscribe to posts atom this site is under construction because we only update it once or twice a week on a good week but you know what we ve got lives man big hairy beautiful lives that involve loving and drinking and cursing and laughing and screwing and falling down and shooting hoops on mild winter days and getting threatened by a team of puerto ricans in the south bronx because a couple changeups strayed inside and grazed their jerseys and staring out the window and wondering when the canary of destiny is going to land on our lap so we may pet its sweet ruffled feathers before it flies away sometimes sports are our canary other times it s a buzzard with herpes and a paternity suit either way we sit at the windowsill patiently waiting salty dogs jeff laughlin phony gwynn stan blog archive 2010 23 october 1 playoff paradox august 3 july 2 june 1 may 1 april 10 march 3 january 2 2009 51 december 1 november 4 october 5 september 2 august 2 july 2 june 4 may 6 april 10 march 8 february 2 january 5 2008 65 december 4 november 5 october 4 september 4 august 3 july 3 june 5 may 4 april 6 march 13 february 7 january 7 2007 85 december 7 november 7 october 7 september 6 august 6 july 6 june 8 may 9 ap...