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Text of the page (random words):
ays her eyes so big and genuine but i also miss us us before i know i find myself nodding me too then think we can go back to being friends she hesitates a look crosses her eyes a glimmer of something that looks like regret but it s gone the second it comes yeah she finally breathes turning her head back to the window i i can do that i think good i say that sounds nice being best friends again is nice but promise me you won t try anything like what a devilish look flashes across her face you know the answer to that i say my lips curling it feels good to be smiling with her again like a weight i didn t even know i was holding has been lifted off my chest i don t she says feigning innocence but i can see the faint trace of a grin on her lips enlighten me dalton i awkwardly shake my head and she gives a triumphant smile so i say holding out my hand friends for an instant she just stares at my outstretched hand and i feel more coolness rush all around me i can even taste the dew in the air feel the softness to the night sky okay friends lexi says after a while and she shakes my hands she starts to turn away after that whether to go to sleep or return to working on the painting i do not know i start to turn back too shoving my freezing hands into my pockets but before i can move lexi spins back around without a moment s hesitation she leans into me her lips hovering a millimeter from my ear whispering we can be friends for now but dalton if you think this means i won t fight for you with every last breath i have you re in for a hell of a surprise then she lets her hand slip from my arm spins back around and dissapears inside i stand there for the longest time just staring at the spot where she was standing her touch sends a tingling sensation up my arm her words making my heart pound harder and harder i feel it all but i don t know what to do as i turn to go home then through the darkness i smile chapter nine deadly blue eyes march 4 2015 march 4 2015 xoxosavannahdesert 2 comments i let out a sigh as i walk home i take a deep breath each step i take seems to fall in rhythm with my pounding heart step beat step beat the air is thick all around me and i feel my mind slowly fade out i keep walking fast until i reach my house step inside and slam the door shut the only thing i can think of as i stomp into my bedroom is lexi and i can feel how my eyes are stinging with tears i feel like screaming and pounding on my walls until this all goes away until erin ends up being real and lexi and i can stay best friends and not not this anything but this lexi is in love with me and i turned her down oh shit that really happened didn t it and she just walked away like i had just punched her in the face but i can t love lexi right we re friends best friends but aren t the kind to date we wouldn t date we can t date i ve only ever truly cared for four people in the world my mom my dad lexi and erin now two of them are gone and one i just about gone to me lexi is the only person left i care about her and i love her like a friend i tell myself just like a friend i also feel like an idiot because erin isn t real and instead i ve been talking to zack flirting with zack i can t even think of it without feeling angry and sick to my stomach so i push the thought away the next day is saturday and i spent it eating way too much chips filming another vlog that i never publish and going over my conversation with lexi in my head again and again i don t sleep at all that night or the next and soon saturday drags into sunday which brings me right back to monday before i know it i m standing outside my high school hoping like hell i won t run into lexi but at the same time feeling a desperate need to see her as soon as i burst through the door i rush over to my locker keeping my head down and not meeting anyone s gaze i glance around the hallway as i pull open my locker and when there s no lexi in sight i let out a deep breath thank god i shove all of my binders into my locker grab my books and start heading to class i still haven t talked to her since friday but i really don t know what to say either then i turn a corner and run into lexi who also seems to be trying to slip past me my book connects with her arm and forces her to slow down then stop so we stand there eyes on each other lexi looks angry and me entirely terrified just our luck oh sorry i mumble staggering back once i ve regained my balance i try to move past her again hoping like hell to avoid conversation yeah is all lexi says in that instant i have an overpowering urge to keep on walking and get the hell out of here but as i look at her at the sadness in her eyes i know i can t just leave her you okay i finally say withholding a sigh that was a mistake so a mistake but i realize it too late oh fine she says my brother just severely screwed with my best friend and i also made a fool out of myself in front of him so yeah i m splendid lexi i m sorry i say because i can t think of anything better i was an idiot before you don t say please what do you want me to do i really am sorry and you didn t embarrass yourself it s my fault i just i m just you re just what her hands are on her hips now and it looks like she s ready to walk out on me or punch me i m just confused i say exasperated i don t know what to do lexi i m lost you caught me by surprise is all well i m sorry i caught you by surprise and made you feel so lost you know that s not how i meant it and you know i don t care now if you ll excuse me i have to get to class at that she whirls around and starts walking in the opposite direction down the hall i follow her and i can smell her vanilla shampoo unmistakably as i m catching up to her lexi i grab for her arm but she shakes off my grip giving me a disgusted look no leave me alone sutherland lexi c mon please please what she says sharply please stop loving you please stop ignoring my feelings and pretend none of this happened because guess what dalton it did and this is one thing you re going to have to face on your own lexi i say i m not asking you to stop loving me i just want us to be normal i say she steps closer just ask yourself this dalton lexi says dropping her voice to a hushed whisper will you ever be able to stop loving your mom because it s the same thing with you and me before i can react she turns back around and for an instant all i see is her black velvet hair and the flash of deadly serious blue in her eyes wait i choke out but she s already scurrying down the hall where she disappears out of sight as soon as school is out i don t wait for her as normal instead i run like a coward until i m almost home and only then slow down to a walking pace sure lexi and i have fought before actually we ve fought a lot whether it be which color m m is the best blue obviously if one of us is better at call of duty than the other screaming is not a rarity between us but this fight this one was different it was too sad and desperate and felt more like the end of something than a true fight i just hope something isn t our friendship i walk through the door while wondering why i can t even figure out if i love lexi i need her like i need to breathe like i need a way to express myself i can be myself around her no judgment and she can do the same for me i ve never smiled more than when i m with her even when i talked to erin i still couldn t stop smiling around lexi is that what love is what lexi and i have i have no freaking idea how to tell dalton my zombie of a dad growls from the living room as soon as he sees me dinner is ready hurry up translation i m hungry so go make me some damn macaroni and cheese while i sit and watch this tv show for the millionth time i ve had a tough day of doing nothing i sigh close my eyes and stumble into the kitchen sure enough there s no dinner ready make me something good he says from behind me of course i answer because what else would a son be for other than to serve as his father s slave you should be nice to me you know he says my money is the only reason you re alive your money i laugh to myself as i continue to stir in the pot you mean mom s life insurance he doesn t respond to that and a glimmer of satisfaction races through me i hate how he never mentions mom all he does is watch tv sleep and ignore me he wasn t always like this he used to be an okay dad with a well paying lawyer job and a smile that never left his face i haven t seen that smile in so long i give him an annoyed look as i make up a couple of plates for us even now dad doesn t really look at me he never does it s like the sight of his own son is too much work for him to undergo i bring him a plate when it s done before i sit at the table i ve decided that on today of all days i m not getting into it with him we eat in peace neither of us saying a word thank god until dad finally throws his spoon against the bowl this sucks he says and pushes the bowl away i roll my eyes that s interesting because you seem to like the exact same thing just fine last time i was being nice he says wow so generous of you i mutter if that s the case then maybe you can try being a normal grown up for once and i don t know make your own dinner are you calling me lazy he sputters as i get up to leave no i m just calling you useless there s a difference i say and leave i don t like that this is what dad and i have become this empty lifeless trading of insults but what else is there i sink onto my bed with a sigh i have no one now not my dad not my mom not even lexi and it s all my fault for a minute i just sit there and think about lexi who is probably off and making new friends and totally forgetting about me i can t push her away not over something this stupid then it hits me i need to fix this right away chapter eight remember when we february 25 2015 xoxosavannahdesert 10 comments i m not sure how long i stand there before suddenly reacting i burst through the coffee shop door sprint down the sidewalk and finally catch up to her i grab her arm and pull her back breathing heavily wait i say she tries to fight my grip lexi stop let go off me she shouts jerking away from me and nearly taking out a little girl passing on her left side i told you to forget about it what more do you want from me do you want my dignity too because that s just about up for sale at this point she spins around to face me her eyes wild and sad at the same time it hurts to see her like this like physically hurts she looks at me exasperated lexi the strong one who always keeps me in balance exasperated well she says when i don t respond my jaw is still totally slack aren t you going to say something i just told you i love you and you have zero freaking reaction i m consciously aware of my hand on her arm my skin touching her skin she is warm and shaking rattled in a way i ve never seen her before i have no idea what to say what to do i feel so pathetic all of a sudden because she just told me the biggest thing you could probably tell a person and i can t even find the word to respond i instantly let go off her you didn t do it you didn t make that account i finally ask like a blundering idiot too scared to meet her gaze to focus on anything but the slight tremble in my toes i didn t she says slowly watching me as if i am about to pull a knife on her i nod lexi sighs then and i watch as she turns her head to look into nothingness what i ask she shakes her head i step forward lexi i say tell me she hesitates but she does remember when we were thirteen and we decided to prank our english teacher she says softly still staring ahead of her at anything but my face so we snuck into his classroom while he was stuffing his face with doughnuts or whatever in the teacher s lounge and we super glued his markers together we felt so cool and untouchable at the time like we d just reached the holy grail of pranks and when he yelled about it to the class the next day we were giggling like idiots in the back thinking we were the baddest kids this school has ever seen she says it with such fondness with the same twinkle in her from last night like she is telling me another story from the magical world we ll never quite reach i force a smile that teacher was a grumpy old geezer i say lexi smiles oh yes he totally was remember his oversized moustache man did that dude need to shave she pauses gathering herself and do you remember our freshman year when that jerk matt beat you out as the jv basketball point guard and so we spent the whole night plotting how we could commit the perfect murder so you could get on the team like you deserved and we laughed and laughed until it was morning and we went to school without sleeping and she says more quietly and steps towards me her body just inches from mine do you remember last year when we went to the national park to go camping because your mom wanted us to have some fun for once and we sat on that bench in the middle of the night looking out at the city lights and hearing the sound of laughter all around us you touched my arm and joked to me how romantic it would be if we weren t best friends do you remember that yes i say of course she nods and drops her chin those lexi says were the moments i realized i was in love with you i mean i thought it was just a weird screwed up platonic love at first because i m not the person who is pathetic enough to fall for her own best friend i m just not but the more i thought about it about you i knew i loved you like for real she looks up and meets my gaze i can t turn away my heart rate keeps slowing and then speeding up again and i don t even know what to do this is why i never dated anyone why i told you i was too busy to bother to date i just knew i couldn t tell you or maybe i could maybe i should have but i was too afraid i stand there still trying to process everything finally i manage to say how does zack fit into all of this i mean come on your freaking brother i want to accuse her it s right there on my tongue but i bite it back i knew about the vlog myself long before zack did i guess she starts you left the whole thing open and more times than not logged into it from my computer it would have been impossible not to know there is a faint smile on her lips so there i was with love i didn t know what to do with and a blog i wasn t supposed to know about so i followed it and pretended never to know it was stupid she stops talking and we both stand there silently i want to ask about her brother again but i don t press it lexi lets out a small sigh i noticed how this girl erin popped up one day and i shouldn t have done it but i became obsessed with reading every bit of dialog between the two of you it hurt like crazy to know of you two and i was so scared she stops talking again taking a step back i feel my blood getting hotter and hotter how am i supposed to feel about that my best friend jealous over someone who turned out to be no one i hear her voice...