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le compassion i have been privileged to witness first hand the provision of god i have never not once felt abandoned or over looked i have never been lacking in a need i have never been in want because god abundantly provides he shows up and shows off and friends my god is faithful he does not change he does not grow weary because i know all of this to be true i know that even though some days i feel the hard and i feel the heavy i know i have nothing to fear i have no worry i cannot give to him i am generously and abundantly taken care of matthew 6 26 look at the birds of the air they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them are you not of more value than they posted by andy and cari at 10 44 am 7 comments friday february 6 2015 sovereign after caden died i had this nagging fear that she would be forgotten that no one would remember she lived that no one would remember i was once the mommy of a sweet baby girl i doubted god would provide what i wanted i feared so many things because i was uncertain what my future held i was uncertain that i could be truly joyful again i feared i was afraid grief does that it magnifies things like fear and doubt i remember wanting to scream at people who would smile at my belly when i was pregnant with rigg i wanted to shout that i had already had a child i was not a first time mother i had a baby i didn t do that it would have been rude to scream in strangers faces and more to the heart of the matter although i wanted them to know i didn t want to see the look on their face when i told them so i kept quiet as it turns out i have people who love me very much and people who love you very much tend to remember when hard and life changing events happen to you god proved himself faithful to calm my heart and fill me with peace regarding so many things with caden s death after caden i remember god showing me such wonderful things about himself he taught me that i could trust him with the hardest things he did this by providing for all my needs big and small by showing up in the strangest of places and reminding me he was with me god proved his faithfulness to me and to every promise he declared in scripture i found them all to be undeniably true since then i have rejoiced in the knowledge of things already learned i have tried to remember the truths of his faithfulness his graciousness to me i strive to preach the things i know to myself so that i not only remember but so that i can lean into them when i am weak god has allowed me to have a firm grasp on what he taught me through my grief with caden and because of that this trial this road i have walked alongside andy and after andy this road is not the same kind of hard i do not doubt the things i did before i do not fear as i did after caden god proved himself in my hardest time i am blessed to remember so well the things he did and because of that i trust in his word and faithfulness to me this time what i see god magnifying in my life is his sovereignty his power and authority over my life i am seeing how my big mighty gracious loving and holy god not only has a right to cause or allow any and all things that happen to me but he knew he planned he designed he orchestrated it all his hand has and will direct each moment his fingerprints grace each breath he has gone before and he goes behind my savior is actively sovereign in my days from my instagram when caden died the couple at the grave marker place were so incredibly kind to the captain and me they too had lost a young daughter years before and their empathy and encouragement was something andy and i always remembered i went back today to order a headstone for andy and the same sweet woman who hugged me and talked boldly about how good god is lost her husband last year too she and i have been brought together for brief meetings but have walked parallel paths she speaks with tears in her eyes of a god who loves her greatly and has a divine purpose for her life these moments past and present that i ve shared with her are times i know god has given to me as a gift to prove tangibly he is caring for me he is guiding me and he loves me greatly and has a divine purpose for my pain it s in these moments that are supposed to be hard and gut wrenching my god shows up and shines and i am restored with hope and much joy i see god s provision not to merely sustain me and keep me afloat but to teach me more about him to guide me to live according to his wishes not my own he is gently leading me as a shepherd does his sheep i have witnessed so many little snippets of grace these past weeks god shining in the details proving that he has this that he knows not only what is happening to me but he knows the plan the why the how and the end since the captain has passed into glory i have not seen the same facets of god that i did after caden i still do see those but this time this time god is magnifying a different attribute of himself to me i am learning not only to trust god because he is faithful but to trust his faithfulness because he is sovereign he is taking me deeper do not misunderstand me i still struggle i still cry i still have days where i want to scream and pull out my hair i live days where i cannot wait for bedtime but god is in those days too i was playing a game with the boys the other night the overwhelming desire to see and talk with andy swept over me and i missed him so greatly in that moment i started to cry rigg asked me why i was crying i told him i missed daddy and sometimes missing someone comes out as tears both boys expressed how they to miss their daddy then we hugged and spoke of heaven and what daddy might be doing which quickly turned into what they want to do when they get to heaven which proved they have excellent imaginations lately when singing during worship at church i cry i just cannot get the picture of andy worshipping in the presence of christ out of my mind when i sing to god about his holiness his faithfulness his glory and majesty and might i an overwhelmed with the knowledge that what i am longing for what i an eagerly anticipating heaven and glory and being with my savior the captain is living now i cry because it is an awesome thought and i am so grateful i am just seeing the beginning of understanding i am in the warm up but i do know that god has it all he provided for me in every chapter of my life he provided andy for me that is what he had for me then and i know he has provided for me not only now but each and everyday that follows this one he is already there already designing my moments he is guiding and leading each breath until i can join caden until i see the captain until i too can sing and praise and worship christ in glory god is sovereign posted by andy and cari at 10 02 am 18 comments friday january 9 2015 he has this the past week and a half has been long hard emotionally draining full of memories full of people full of sorrow full of hope full of joy and laughter the past week has been shocking and amazing and overwhelmingly covered in the peace and sovereignty of god last friday jan 2nd was the captain s visitation it was scheduled from 4 8 i wore heels after 3 hours standing in the aforementioned heels i kicked them off and stood in my tights standing on tippy toes i m not what one would call tall to hug another 3 hours worth of people who came to pay their respects to my husband i was standing and hugging people for over six straight hours no break no lull just 6 hours of amazing god given love and encouragement some of those people waited over 3 hours in a line that was so long it wrapped and weaved through the sanctuary and out the doors over 1000 people showed up waited in line and blew me away with how much they love my family and my amazing husband it was one of those sweet amazing gifts god gives in the middle of a very hard thing a gift he gives to remind you he loves you and he has this he has this the next day we buried the captain his funeral was exquisite four men spoke all four knew andy from childhood three were some of his best friends one a mentor whom he loved like a second father each man spoke with love and conviction telling of who andy was how he loved christ and his family each man told those seated how andy wanted each person to hear the gospel and come to know jesus at the end a dear friend read something written by andy s own hand specifically written to be read at his funeral the captain told us not to be sad for him he was in heaven he was with christ andy s service was one of those moments that is emblazoned in my mind and i remember it with a swelling heart and a joy that can only come from god he has this it was cold and wet at the cemetery mud everywhere umbrellas trying to stave off the rain it was surreal and a sight i wasn t really prepared for to see my husband s coffin next to my daughters headstone at caden s funeral after the graveside service was over andy grabbed my hand and said let s get outta here saturday although i was surrounded by everyone i love i felt very alone but as my dad walked back and hugged me and walked me to my car i looked down the line of cars that went on for what seemed like forever winding down the path and out of the cemetery onto the main street and i knew i knew that god was here i was not alone and even though this time looked different he was going to get me through this too to stand in the presence of the lord when you d rather go to bed and never get up and to praise him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse him these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory beth moore from my instagram post on the day of the funeral today was flawless the service was given by 4 men who knew the captain since birth childhood it was deeply personal it was honoring to andy glorifying to god and every inch was smothered in the gospel of christ it was rainy and muddy at the cemetery it was surreal to see my husbands coffin next to my daughters headstone it was overwhelming to be loved on and prayed over to the point of joy god smiled upon today andy finished well and we celebrated his victory i m broken hearted and already feel a hole in my life but i know god will be infinitesimally faithful to care and guide me today was flawless and i am grateful he has this since he s been gone my brain can t seem to catch up i was sitting at a stop light the other day and i thought to myself it just doesn t make sense that he s not somewhere here he can t really be gone it is in the very definition of the word to me unbelievable i cannot make sense of it it doesn t feel real three days after i buried my husband i turned 33 it was incredibly weird to have a mailbox full of both happy birthday cards and sympathy for losing your husband cards i might have giggled at the sight stress and grief make you do weird things i personally make sarcastic and inappropriate jokes and splurge shop those closest to me know this and go with it tuesday night over 40 of my people came out to celebrate my birthday and celebrate the captain s heaven day each year we celebrate caden s heaven day so it was very important to rigg that we also celebrate daddy s heaven day so in 12 degree weather we set off floating lanterns it was windy and freezing and slightly ridiculous and andy would have been laughing at our efforts it was perfect in it s flaws and chaotic ness from my instagram post on january 6th each september on the anniversary of caden s death my family gathers and has a heaven day celebration we celebrate that caden is living in heaven with christ and because of christ s work on the cross we can have the promise of heaven ourselves each year i preach this truth to my boys each year they understand more and look forward to heaven day it was very important to rigg that we celebrate daddy s heaven day so tonight about 40 of my friends and family stood out in the 12 degree weather and sent up lanterns as rigg watched his take off i heard him say happy heaven day daddy god is working in my boy s hearts he is growing them and teaching them and they are becoming strong and brave the captain would be proud he has this many people have asked how my sweet boys are doing they are just fine they are happy daddy is out of his stupid bed that he can run and talk they are processing this in the only way their 3 and 5 year old brains know how a little bit at a time they ask questions which i answer and then they go on their merry way playing and wrestling and giggling again i am reminded of god s sovereignty i believe god is sovereign in all things and if i believe that then i believe that when he was creating and forming my sweet boys he made them in such a way that they not only can handle this but that they were specifically built for this god created my sons to live in a world without their daddy he made them so they can grow and live well under circumstances we see as a hindrance it is my job as their mom to teach them and build into them this understanding and grow them up in the grace and knowledge of christ and furthermore if i believe that god is sovereign to create my boys for this i believe he was sovereign to create me for this from my instagram post on jan 2nd if you are wondering how the boys are they are doing well the true weight of death does not apply to preschoolers they do not truly grasp what it all means but we talked a couple times yesterday about daddy living in heaven they were happy that he is with jesus and caden rigg asked if he was walking and talking i said yes he jumped up and down yelling yay it made me smile they will deal with the death of their father their whole lives but for now we will take it a step at a time and rejoice together maybe one day we will cry together but for now wrestling and being 3 and 5 will have to do he has this i ve done way more laughing than crying over the past week i can t decide why that is this grief looks so different than my grief after caden s death maybe it is because andy lived at his parents home the past 6 months and i had a small separation anyway maybe it s because i have been grieving the loss of my husband in small pieces for over a year maybe its all the love support and prayer that have surrounded me over the past couple of weeks maybe it s because god has built a faith and hope in me that wasn t this big 5 years ago maybe it s all of the above don t get me wrong i ve cried i miss him i miss him i don t know what my life looks like without andy i m not sure i can be or will be the same person now that he s gone and i m not sure how i feel about that i don t do well with change it takes me awhile to process and catch up and when there is no script no lines to memorize it s all ad lib well then it takes a lot of leaning into god and finding your way in him as each day dawns and all my responsibilities cry to be taken care of as life continues without pause or lag i am constantly ...