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Text of the page (random words):
ny s queers for economic justice and soon to be a full time struggling writer poet still hella romantic to me and he was an open advocate for someone living with hiv while i was no stranger to his radiance of self confidence his ability to be write and speak directly of how the virus would wouldn t falter his biological functions and spiritual being was uncanny intimidating and attractive brandon was a romantic and a freak i never really liked the word freak whenever i heard used in a sexual context it always used as feverous sexually potent and willing with a kinky connotation but that those were my conversations and encounters with brandon brandon was a model to me anyways of true uncompromising monogamy in a relationship however i reconnected with him on his bachelor tenure when we did reconnect he made it every clear that i peaked his arousal which could ve melted my genitalia from stimulation after sending me pictures of his golden cock resting below his 12 pack all still over fantasized he had then asked to bare meaning he wanted to ejaculated his divine sperm up my virginous tight rectum after reading that request i immediately froze i had recently gone through an emotional crisis of my own where i was convinced i had contracted hiv from a friend though a top we shared just to later realized i hadn t contracted anything after a stressful month of not knowing not wanting to get tested eventually dragging myself in because of the guilt of knowingly spreading a virus to my beau of the time after my test result came back negative i rationally mapped my desire for cum up the butt similarly to my friend brandon i had craved the closeness of skin contact and what felt like the holiness of natural bare anal sex but i had come my conclusion that gravity my body had always expelled that semen in an unromantic toilet finale so my attraction to unprotected sex was probably for momentary gratification like all kinks when brandon asked me the idea of putting myself at risk of contracting hiv was erotic and fearful brandon seemed to live a fulfilling life sex friends opportunities and all despite living with the virus and the idea of sharing anything with him even a virus was simulating i avoided him on my last trip to ny because of the nervousness of consenting to unprotected sex yet here i am today consenting to unprotected sex with my hiv positive boyfriend biologically my boo has undetectable viral load meaning that with the assistance of medications he has null count of transmutable hiv particles in his sperm medical experts will tell you that it is not a full safe measure against hiv low risk is still a risk but i am ultimately consenting to this i want this i want the kink of fucking dangerously and the potency he gets from having me want it how he would want it but would be too afraid to ask for freak i can never say i would recommend this to anyone i don t it wouldn t be right of me to say that a progressive must do anything but it fits for me sex isn t the foundation of our relationship but it is a reality of our love life i enjoy his company his kisses his laughter humor his manners his closeness and he s hot sex is a plus i can t say that the idea of dating him is apart of my kink i don t think it is dating him humanizes him from just being my sex object it gives him personality and it links me in a way that lasts long after i shower and shit lube out friendship inclusion and intimacy is where i m at with people with hiv it s rather easy to dehumanized people with the virus hiv has always been used as an accusation by gay slut shamers we forget that monogamous black immigrant young women are today s most likely new cases for hiv contractions while its not an identity like color that immediately surfaces on the skin we are living in interconnected world where words hate ignorance run like fire progressive doesn t have to mean opening your panties to positive men like i had but it does demands an evolving inclusiveness with respect dignity and a little love posted by unknown at 10 30 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels gay hiv homosexuality kinks lgbt liberal queer racism sex sexual liberation sexual politics thursday august 16 2012 m are you a dream or my memory deja vu i ve seen you 20 times before a reflection your eclipsed figure still lures my vision a flashback i am still gratified from the tease your dreadlocks yet i still feel a grasp is that your hands my history i ve meet you 21 times before posted by unknown at 3 12 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels queer poetry saturday july 21 2012 16 fustrated insomnia restlessness and energy drinks have left me ravaging through my black box of childhood school report cards and too many award certificates of best helper to count i never realized my mother saved these small coins along with her boxes of her kids childhood memories on printed pharmacy photographs i ve seen these 1st 2nd 3rd 5th 7th 12th college freshman transcripts and memories before but i always find something new or rediscovered like a faded dream i reorganize some things i am glad my mother did save all this junk it might be my path to obama s small obsolete box of a neoamerican redefinition maybe i find this printed letter i typed for my mother i remember all that strong loyalty resentment i had towards her i giggle to myself to see what passive hold has on me all that pain and suicidal urges are almost forgotten at the end i m gayer than i could ve wanted more desired that i thought possible i don t care of what i think of it let alone her i now love her more in this letter i wrote 10 sentiments a real pandora box of emotion she had asked me to make this list odd for her to ask maybe she picked up the therapeutic practice off someone else i listed how i miss my sister how i was so dedicated to my studies i knew at that time for better or worse it was my only calculated escape retrospect say worst what sticks out was when i listed at number seven i am frustrated about my legal status wow at 16 i was already stressing about what would years later bring me down back to a prolonged depression even reattempts of suicide i hadn t realized my angst started at my best years i look back i felt jovial surrounded by loved ones and friendship outside my home considering i hardly returned home i was mostly allright afterwards every day on my own would make life more frustrating i m a plateau but i know there s more pain ahead i laugh reading all those little love notes by my elementary teachers calling me a good citizen they might ve been right i m still a good boy seems crazy but i now know i was not alone there were others still are posted by unknown at 11 22 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels american childhood citizen depression dream act dreamer familia frustration illegal insomnia joaquin luna memories mental health motherhood narrative suicide undocumented friday july 20 2012 la virgen y el put illo every day i make a prayer to la virgen de guadalupe the matriarchal figure for many latinos i am admittedly not very religious in the similar ways of my grandparents whom also left a linage of adulatory and unclaimed beautiful children however i am superstitious where i lack strict and vigorous urges to pray rosaries superstitious because i feel a greater super force in my soul which i cannot explain whether these are orisha souls of my descendant the transformative auras of my beloved ones or la virgen i am always uncertain of the exactness of my superstition i am certain about one super power the feminine divine not the linage of mary magdalene or the lady version of jesus exactly but rather the celestial power of the vagina motherhood could easily be mistaken of what i believe after all vaginas have been used in my latino culture for the sole purposes of recreation but rather the symbolism of the flesh a christian god has been made man by men and so a refusal of a male hierarchy would be a feminine divine an extraordinary resistance feminism is a good name but on superstitious plane perhaps like how early 1900s anarchy was a capitalist resistance rather than it s own dissected theory it is my religion that we can transform our bodies use our bodies and our souls to create resistance and contradictions like some my identity started transforming with my mental and physical genitalia but if we could claim our bodies and souls we can a living and spiritual resistance back to the terrestrial i use my body to liberate my queer soul this goes beyond getting fucked in opposition to the chains of gender conformity i was born into i use my body as an expression of who i feel i am who i want to be i am lucky to be raised male i feel male yet i become more secure and comfortable in who i am in the way i treat my body and set the boundaries of how others may use my body my soul is a blend of femininity masculinity and balancing that with my flesh is something i do in defiance of being uniquely male i also use other souls and auras to confirm my being i am fortunate to be surrounded by other souls with mixed body expressions most transgeneras in my latina community identify very differently from one another but most admit to me they had an evolution of their initial boy identities like me most were raised with the gender indoctrination that either forced a boy gender or most of us accepted it as a game of theater and improvisation many of my trans familia began their journeys with and end in mind much like how manhood is modeled womanhood or a female identity was something that had been modeled through their families religion and sex my family is a narrative of women abused beaten cheated to yet my family s women were also strong outspoken and leaders in their communities there were also those that settled in passive leadership roles a typical mother of my clan and those that struggled for their own self reclamation these were the uncommon divorcees community organizers and my queers like my sister they didn t often used call themselves feminists but independents i also seek that model of independence through how i claim my body voice and how i use my male privilege catholicism has the ability to make men believe they are masters of the world and its inhabitants yet slaves to their god now i ve never really bought into this theology that would ve made me turn around and claim anything from my sisters a chancla would ve stopped this regardless fortunately i had la guadalupe as the counterculture where tales of kings masters and misogynists seemed farfetched la guadalupe seemed real and plausible i had her ingrained as a spiritual symbol of resistance historically against spanish colonialism compassion and acceptance virgin mary was different form la guadalupe guadalupe was a spirit that became the face of the oppressed it was a transition before the eyes of mezitos and indigenous she wasn t an european queen cloaked in a pancho rather a fully transitioned indigenous spirit that didn t wear gold she was cloaked with nature and the sky in a sense she wisely chose how to reclaim her celestial and earthly privileged la virgen also embodies purity i embody desire in a safe space of queer latina sex workers i remember coming to the conclusion that passive sex was linked to my gender it didn t make me a man but it made me feel like the man i wanted to be at that particular space my trans migas also connected to that sentiment in their affirmation of gender and identity like how my amiga had put it soy una mujer libre hasta que cobro mucho i am a free woman even if i charge a high rate meaning to me that we can use sexual boundaries and reclamation to define us or in spite of i too am a putillo a bottom bitch and who i am is with that claim and regardless off of it i am fortunate to have been inspired by strong self affirming women transgeneras and feminists that kick the can of oppression and claim their beings against governments and oppressors it is extraordinary and beyond earthly it is the feminine divine posted by unknown at 6 48 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels culture homosexual latin america latino male privilege narrative oppression queer sex spirituality story transgender tuesday july 17 2012 gay hispanic vs queer latino when i started first grade i remember one my barriers from full play pin games was being to communicate and understand the rules from my fellow classmates although i only knew scarce bits of spanish english quickly became my primary language and i became the master of the you re it line at the beginning i was only identified as mexican where most of my classmates regardless of race were americans by the time i reached the third grade i was my own blend of american of the streets and mexican at home i identified with my classmates and teachers much more than my own parents whom regularly worked beyond the time the school buses returned us home when i started taking standardized test i began to identify by the bubble option that i was told to fill with my 2 pencil standardized exams were being pushed by the us department of education backed by the clinton administration to use blanket exams to compare the education and progress of students these end of course grade test became a standard by states to see if students were unqualified to advance to next grade the bush administration later used these same test to punish under preforming teachers and schools the basic information of these test also used race as a comparison between students of the options there were african american asian pacific islander eskimo white or hispanic so i became hispanic after my teacher came by and made sure the seven year old students were bubbling correctly and not drawing ducks and horses on the paper exams although there was no other option my classroom had three other kids that looked similar to me also with spanish last names together we began our trip on the hispanic train we were all of mexican nationality but the diversity of latin american became more ubiquitous at our catholic church which the other four hispanics attended when he had visiting pastor from costa rica later in the years there was the evident racial clicks limited to whites blacks and hispanic that comprised of descendants of mexico and central america this continued till i attended a historically black high school and my identity was simply other similarly i began to wondering how much other i was when i began to notice that i was more different than i was willing to let on after i was outted as gay by a flamboyant opera singer i began to be part of a circle of gay boys i later attended a safe space where i met other girls and i saw myself as part of something more than just gay the rest of these kids were also more than just...