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rk and the list goes on i fear i ve failed at including some important thing on that list just now gah my marriage failed yes it did was that my intent no it wasn t for lack of trying man did i ever try to make that thing work is this judgement from some celestial deity in the form of castigating punishment for some ambiguous badness that really was what i used to think it s that kind of thinking that gets me craving a hit of try for my next high so that i can try and stop feeling so bad but it doesn t work never does maybe the big feelings that i used to call bad feelings are okay after all we are human we are feeling beings and i m learning that feeling on a grand scale is quite beautiful without fail angie lynn washington the beauty of a rainbow is created by fractured light light that failed to keep it together one comment so far single mother february 6 2017 uncategorized angie how does one become a single mother one may birth a child and not be espoused at the time one may adopt without being married an unmarried aunt may raise her brother or sister s children in the event of a tragedy widowhood is another way divorce another the one i find myself in could be described as estrangement abandonment yes somewhat separation more so he moved out the saturday night before easter 16 a dark night when his misdeeds of unfaithfulness came to light he didn t fight he left and hasn t returned he visits the kids twice a week he pays his part of the bills to help with the costs of five kids the children live with me i am a single mother angie lynn washington one comment so far i m keeping my name february 1 2017 uncategorized angie i m keeping it for more of my life than not i have held this name or it s held me it s the name my sisters sang to tease me when we were young pragmatically speaking changing documents would be a hassle aside from that my children all have that presidential surname we re keeping it i was asked to decide i did it s mine i m keeping my name angie lynn washington however the signature will be undergoing a design upgrade that thing is a mess leave a comment celebrate the socks may 14 2016 training celebration angie we sat in the minivan in the darkened garage the whole way home from school i just let her cry i tried to understand her through the sobs she didn t fit it she said awkward things she felt overwhelmed that she was expected to know basic u s highschooler things like patriotism and social nuances she vented i let her when the quiet came and the breathing slowed i waited there are absolutely no words to heal the hurt of culture clash this wasn t the fist time we cried together it wouldn t be the last i looked at her and a thought came to me when you are getting ready in the morning are all your clothes suddenly on all at once i asked she looked back at me confusion was added to the facial expression of the misery of displacement when she didn t answer i probed further like do you pop out of bed and then all of a sudden your shirt is on your jeans are on and your converse are laced up and ready to go she shook her head still wondering where i was going with this seemingly irrelevant line of reasoning here s the thing babe you don t expect to wake up all put together we can t expect ourselves to be all of a sudden all put together in this new culture when we get dressed we do it one piece at a time the shirt the jeans etc we can t even put both socks on at the same time we put one sock on then the other i took a break from the analogy to remind her of the things she had been able to learn and enjoy in this culture simple things that took effort at first but were now the new normal drinking water from the tap how things work with family close getting to know a few people then i made my point celebrate the socks i told her celebrate each little part of learning to live in this new life now when our heads start to droop from the tiresome transitional woes we look down and let our socks remind us of the small accomplishments along the way we remind ourselves to celebrate those socks on our feet poco a poco as we say in spanish little by little we ll get all the way dressed eventually but for this moment we can be pleased that there are socks on our feet angie note this conversation took place a while back in the fall of 2015 there have since been many opportunities to celebrate the socks view all 7 comments bee in a cocoon april 3 2016 link loved passion quien soy scars video bees bolivia community friends god thoughts loved passion scars tattoo angie on the day we left bolivia i got a tattoo of a queen bee on my arm it was the third in a series of images i had placed on my arm with indelible ink over the course of one year my first tattoo is a black lace butterfly the middle one is a dragonfly my bee is on top i imagine there will come a day when the sleeve is complete with hexagonal honeycomb a beetle or two and leafy filigree for now i am content with my winged trinity on my last day in bolivia i got a bee tattoo my winged trinity and my sweet niece fourteen months after the acquisition of the bee i find myself on my college campus listening to an entomologist give a lively lecture about bees dr roe doubles as my anatomy and physiology professor she does a fine job teaching about the human body but her passion for insects is quite evident the discourse came about as an initiative of the garden group permission was granted by one of the leading sisters of college of saint mary for us to run a beehive on campus starting next spring this will be a thrill did you know that bees undergo metamorphosis in a cocoon i didn t this fascinates me cocoons have been a reoccurring theme in my life over the last few years i leaned in to study the images on the slide as she explained the three week transformation of egg to larva to pupa to fully formed bee the egg is laid by the queen it hatches and is fed by nurse bees as a larva it grows and fills up it s six sided cradle then the bees come along and cap the capsule sealing the larva inside what happens before the fully formed bee breaks out of this cocoon astounds me did you know that inside its cocoon the bee becomes liquefied all the cells organs and features that allowed that larva to eat and grow break down gradually the pro pupa becomes little more than a bag containing a nutrient rich soup according to this video demonstration of the process bee metamorphosis remarkable internal changes do you grasp the sheer absurdity of this fact the construct of a wriggling little structure becomes liquid then comes the reconfiguration in that tiny dark soupy cocoon the liquid swishes around to reconfigure and reshape into a pupa it grows legs and hair it s brain and dna formulate to give the little creature an instruction manual and purpose of life the pigmentation of yellows browns and golds appear from that milky goo it s eyes bulge fragile wings grow which will allow that bee to survive and soar my eyes welled with tears i am in a cocoon stage of life this liquefied stage of a bee s life spoke to me in this darkness safely capped off by my community it s okay if i melt it s okay for this time to submit to the reconfiguration process it s okay to feel like i am drowning for a little bit because that will pass my life is getting reorganized i will emerge from this cocoon resplendent and ready to fly for now i need to be in a cocoon like a bee in a cocoon view all 2 comments 2 m march 23 2015 training seasons training angie i crunched out through the dry grass of our backyard and opened the rusty hook the house came with a shed out back within the shed spider webs drape what might someday help me start a garden rolls of fencing and stakes twist with green hose i rip a shovel from the dusty webbing i drag it out to the bushes dead leaves of last year s flowers lie motionless sticks of leafless seedlings protrude from the tan brush a curious urge to clear out the deadness overtakes me i lift the shovel and bring it down in a fast hack near the base of the tiny trees i expected to only see dirt i didn t expect a surprise pinkish purple catches my eye i lean down and see healthy bulbs growing through the piles of death i hack and hack i uncover more and more death life growth cycles things look bleak the landscape of grays and browns possess a chilling beauty yet they do invoke a sense of gloom i am suddenly struck with the correlation with my own life old dried up patterns now challenged and being hacked at hope for new things poke out under all the death two months have passed in this land where the seasons change we watch the plants respond i watch my heart too respond to the changing seasons of my life i mourn the death of the passing i scrape away the dried up cover i let the tiny little evidence of growth i see poking through my character give me hope for the new yet to come also this was my 1 000th blog post hm leave a comment used to march 9 2015 god thoughts missionary missionary re entry repatriation reverse culture shock transition angie i used to know it all i used to teach i used to read profusely i used to watch tv shows i used to write i used to take pictures i used to jog i used to converse in spanish i used to be angiecita i used to kiss people i used to be a missionary i used to live close to close friends i used to take buses and taxis i used to be warm i used to eat salteñas and good fruit i used to suffer in silence i used to think the work was enough i used to know certainty i used to delude myself with auto sufficiency i used to expect anticipate and envision now the idea is that i get used to the new get used to a constant achy lost feeling get used to displaced and misplaced and erased get used to the glance of pity get used to the empty questions get used to cold get used to unspectacular routine get used to uncertainty get used to doubting and second guessing myself get used to big get used to too much get used to speed get used to being loved by family up close get used to the familiar acceptance that wells up when i hear dear ones say ang get used to an over abundance of good get used to polite get used to crying every day get used to hundreds of gifts that furnish our home fill the kitchen and clothe us get used to a drive instead of a walk get used to advocating for my soul and well being get used to the default easy get used to my cocoon of not yet and not anymore before we moved to the states i asked my children to share their greatest fears and their greatest hopes had i been in my right mind i would have carefully transcribed that conversation like a dutiful stenographer i didn t now i trust the fates to remind me of their thoughts when i need to remember them one of the kids said that their greatest fear was that when we got to the states that all that happened in bolivia these 13 years would disappear or not matter i understand that feeling in all our unsettling settling things look muddled we feel shaken memories mix up with emotion and remembered reality morphs we passed the 40 day mark since leaving bolivia six weeks is all that s single digits my friends gratitude abounds in the midst of the many moods the goodness god has poured out is undeniable and comforts me view all 5 comments week one in the big o january 31 2015 god thoughts health faith god thoughts midwest nebraska omaha re entry repatriation rest transition united states angie one of the nicknames of my hometown which i have returned to is the big o with the exclamation mark thankyouverymuch one whole week has passed since we began our big new life in the united states of america i have come full circle getting re acquainted with the place where daronn and i grew up has been fun showing the kids around and introducing them to stateside life has been interesting adjusting to the new unspoken expectations has been rough we have noted that people in the u s compared to people in bolivia worry about safety a ton more seat belts mandatory car insurance car seats a disinfection wipes station for the shopping carts at the front of the store and a very visible presence of well equipped law enforcement officers all around town just to name a few have so many more options huge menus restaurants everywhere shops full of shelves full of varieties of every type of thing you could want to buy channels on tv and on the radio religious expressions styles and employment for a wide range of ages and abilities are super generous with their resources thrifts shops homeless shelters relief aid programs free stuff on curb sides and craig s list abundance of donations of very nice things from perfect strangers sales and clearance items and volunteering of their time not to mention so many gifts of brand new things the midwest is s p r e a d o u t the land sprawls the ribbon of roads and highways stretch long and wide the spaces between dwellings feel vast the immense forests and parks preserved in these borders make me swell with pride at first when i began maneuvering in this spread out place i thought of all the space as wasted my thoughts stopped short i remembered the reoccurring theme for this season of my life no this is not waste this is healthy i am regaining the margins which i allowed to be eaten away over time the corrosion of busy ness crept in cramming out breathing room reparation begins with the creation of margins margins yes i am letting the margins grow once again margins of time margins of space margins for thought margins for belief margins for health margins to tend my garden margins to be still margins to breathe margins which allow me to fall in step with the unforced rhythms of grace margins which enable me to be kind gentle and faithful margins which suck me down into the plushy over sized purple swivel lounge chair and swallow me up for spontaneous sessions of solace the big o oh i had almost forgotten what a livable life looked like oh there is hope for restoration oh my god my emmanuel thank you removed for a long while i hung my head in shame assuming that god was removing us from our post in bolivia as a punishment for misbehaving maybe there is some truth to that but i think my thinking was skewed more and more as i watch this transition unfold i think he removed us to demonstrate his goodness and grace this evening i watched my precious nephew wriggle and wrestle and resist the sleep his weary toddler body needed his mama wrapped him up and rocked and rocked he finally fell asleep i smile now as i think about god watching me over the past few years fight and fuss against the rest he knew i needed submission to this season came slowly i am grateful as i look back and see god s patience with me as he pulled me closer and closer to him my how i pushed against those arms my how he rocked my world finally i fell view all 2 comments this is not home january 27 2015 bolivia family missionary raimy travel family love loved missionary transition travel angie our l...