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r gender expectations the record holder is male most orgasms a mixed gender event where women have the advantage and tag team fun which quite frankly boggles my mind put simply these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation or something hey i make youtube videos so i m all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense but it s hard to argue with their core points masturbation is the safest sex more masturbation means more sexual self awareness masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot i guess i should add that i know a lot of people would be freaked out by this the world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my catholic upbringing i know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people so putting masturbation right in people s faces like this so to speak is pretty confronting which i think is kind of their point maybe they are just really sick people but i think they are a great blend of positive outrageous and just plain funny what s not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm i just want to say that if you re having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you d stop calling oh and i know you want to know the competition results so here they are existing record holder mr masanobu sato of japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes he might think he s a winner but i say he s soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours a new record for squirting distance was set by flint greasewood who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches i understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear and a new women s world tag team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the lusty lady theatre i have no idea what is involved in that record but i m extremely disappointed that i didn t see it and as an added bonus the sf weekly has a decidedly not safe for work slideshow of highlights some of the slideshow captions crack me up too for instance there s the tip about rest breaks in masturbation marathons it s like a pit stop in the indianapolis 500 if you really want to win keep your tyre changes to a minimum and then there s the friendliest wanker of the bunch who handed the sf weekly a business card which i can only assume they burned or at least washed thoroughly and while in all honesty i m supportive of the overall message of the event i really have to take issue with their site s logo the logo in question now i m not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis the wings are a little weird but i guess that s a metaphor whatever but what the fuck is up with the rear end of it why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis dog hybrid and why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole seriously what the fuck are you fucking people fucking thinking on second thoughts scratch that question i really don t want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking 6 comments filed under general tagged as masturbation july 17 2007 2 21 pm greatest song titles ever i wrote a post last year about my favourite song lyrics of all time it still gets regular hits and i ve been meaning to follow it up for ages with some of my favourite song titles i was pushed along in this direction the first time i heard jarvis cocker s cunts are still running the world apparently jarvis doesn t think the current wave of socially conscious rock festivals like live8 are achieving much and this song was his response you can check it out on his myspace page if you re so inclined because i am both angry and extremely immature an in your face title like that with swearing included appeals to me a theme you ll see repeated in the list below another common theme is long song titles for some reason i tend to find long song titles funny maybe because they aren t used very often they stand out more anyway without further ado my list as always feel free to add your own selections why don t you all get fucked skyhooks skyhooks were very big in australia in the 70s this song is from the tail end of their career so maybe it was a desperate grab for attention i thought the lyrics were hilarious when i was at school and i still think they re hilarious today i particularly like towards the end when the singer basically goes on a spoken word rant saying why don t you and you and you and you and your rotten friends too why don t you and him and not forgettin you why dontcha all get fucked you are the generation that bought more shoes and you get what you deserve johnny boy either very deep or very fatuous i m not sure it has the bonus of being a pretty good pop song too see the video on youtube here regretting what i said to you when you called me 11 00 on a friday morning to tell me that at 1 00 friday afternoon you re gonna leave your office go downstairs hail a cab to go out to the airport to catch a plane to go skiing in the alps for two weeks not that i wanted to go with you i wasn t able to leave town i m not a very good skier i couldn t expect you to pay my way but after going out with you for three years i don t like surprises christin lavin i m not sure if this is the longest song title in the world but it must be close it s usually summarised as regretting what i said and it s subtitled a musical apology it s also a very funny song christine lavin is a folkie kind of singer songwriter from new york and she s also one of the best live performers i ve ever seen she also invented the term sensitive new age guy and i was the first person in australia ever to be called a snag by her she s a genius sick with the taste of truckers come machine gun fellatio someone had to write a song about truck stop whores i guess australian band mgf were the ones to come up with the lyrics to do such an important subject justice the saddest thing i ve ever seen was smokers outside the hospital door editors some unusual lyrics and i ve actually seen this in real life outside a cardiac unit at a hospital smokers pushing their drips alongside them because even though they re nearly fucking dead they won t stop smoking waste of fucking money treating these people i might be a cunt but i m not a fucking cunt this is serious mum another australian band filthy mouthed bastard aren t we tism wore masks for their whole career to protect their anonymity another reason i like them i think they were sick of not being really famous when they recorded this number it seems a premeditated grab for notoriety they did actually earn the ire of the arch conservative bruce ruxton who was then head of the returned services league rsl the fact that he wrote a letter of complaint marks perhaps the only time in history the word cunt has appeared under rsl letterhead i want to spill the blood of a hippy doug anthony all stars don t we all feel like this some days besides writing funny songs daas were also very good live performers check out a youtube video example here i like your old stuff better than your new stuff regurgitator i like this one because it was the first track on their second album thus neatly heading off the usual bullshit bands get as their career progresses they also released a rock version as a single titled i like your old remix better than your new remix regurgitator changed style regularly but they always remained masters of irony with lines like they re fucked now and they re sure not what they used to be my spine is the bassline shriekback the perfect song title for a band who were all about the bass and the funk a plane scraped its belly on a sooty yellow moon roni size and sould coughing from the spawn soundtrack remember that fad in the 90s of teaming up dance pop acts with metal hardcore acts to make movie soundtracks this was from one of those ventures the track is ok but i just like the nonsensical title clubbed to death rob dougan a simple and clever title this club instrumental was made famous when it was included on the soundtrack for the matrix i just love the elegance of the pun in the title shut the fuck up the deadly hume a fringe band from the 80s they were based in sydney and were named after a notoriously dangerous highway and they summed up my life philosophy with that song soon to appear on a mr angry t shirt speaking of which i d better finalise that competition damn another day 18 comments filed under general july 16 2007 1 27 pm the vagina of a 20 year old virgin filled with semen now there s some guaranteed search engine bait one more post title to draw the pornhounds to my blog but despite the seemingly gratuitous title i make two pledges it s actually an accurate title for the content of the post there s actually some hardcore graphic content so the pornhounds won t be disappointed especially the fans of internals this all comes about because i was doing some research into fertility on the weekend this is not code for i spent the weekend looking at porn if i spent the weekend looking at porn i would say so i think my readers could deal with it but this was some serious research in the course of this research i happened across what is know as the billings ovulation method i m sure anyone who s had cause to investigate fertility will have come across this concept it s essentially supposed to help you determine the most fertile times of the month for women to illustrate their information they use the following image of a 20 year old virgin s vagina this is the hot graphic stuff i was promising the pornhounds is that hot or what the arrows are pointing to various types of sperm that meet various fates it s good to know what happens to the little soldiers my first thought on seeing this image was man that s hot my second thought was why the hell was this guy so specific why the need to tell us it was a 20 year old virgin that s porn site specific i think we re seeing the whole reason this guy got into gynecology he has some very specific kinky fetishes then a far more important thought occurred to me why does a virgin of any age have a vagina full of semen or more to the point how does a 20 year old virgin end up with a vagina full of semen ok i know the general method of semen delivery but that would exclude the virgin part of the description so i m thinking this guy is not only kinky he s very gullible no honest dad i m still a virgin it s perfectly normal for a 20 year old virgin to have a vagina full of semen these are the sorts of thoughts that occupy my weekends anyway 41 comments filed under general july 4 2007 5 01 pm a simple misunderstanding we live in troubled times it s a lucky thing i don t have brown skin if there was any chance of somebody suspecting i was muslim then my habit of screaming if you don t leave me the fuck alone people will start dying would get me into more trouble than it already does i had a simple misunderstanding with someone at work today that could easily have spiraled out of control you know when you walk around a blind corner and almost bump into someone the way you have a tendency to jump a little do a little double take as you realise there s someone directly in your path i had that situation at work today but the woman involved went a bit over the top she actually shrieked a little and clutched her heart as if she was having a heart attack no she wasn t having a heart attack not to the best of my knowledge anyway i m not callous enough to mock a cow orker for having a heart attack ok yes i am but that isn t what happened in this case i thought her reaction was a bit over the top after all it wasn t as if i was a crazed madman wielding a knife ok i was actually carrying a knife but that isn t the same as wielding and i have a headcold at moment so right at that moment i was wheezing and snorking a bit but still she was weird if the knife had been bloodstained i could understand her reaction but the red stains on it were from the pie i had been slicing definitely not blood and i obviously wasn t planning to stab anybody i did stumble a little as i rounded the corner so my arm wavered a bit it might have looked a bit like a stabby stabby motion all i m saying is the troubles of these modern times have made people way too paranoid i mean if we can t stagger around the workplace breathing heavily making stabbing motions with big sharp red stained knives then the terrorists have already won 19 comments filed under general december 28 2006 9 01 pm body safely home brain expected later i have this strategy when i go on long drives consume enough caffeine to stay alert for the trip but not so much that i m an incoherent gibbering wreck when i get home being able to sleep sometime in the next 48 hours would be good too i got my plan half right so i m safely home but twitching and drooling more than i d like my brain is sorta like radio slightly out of tune with a channel lots of static that occasionally almost forms coherent sounds that make some sort of sense i think i ll run around outside and chase cicadas for a while 10 comments filed under general september 5 2006 12 24 pm memorial day in australia memorial day is one of the us holidays that doesn t occur in australia but i think it s fair to say there s an unofficial memorial day in australia poor steve irwin mr crikey himself the crocodile hunter met an untimely end in what can only be described as a freak accident i think he was odd on to have a tangle with a crocodile that ended badly one day but stabbed through the heart by a stingray was unexpected he s a good advertisement for living life by your passions even knowing he would suffer a painful death i doubt he would have changed anything in his life he s also a pretty good advertisement for the fact that if you choose dangerous activities you re exposing yourself to risks that other folks don t have to deal with and they might catch up with you one day another passing that will doubtless get less exposure is the death of australian kids book author colin thiele at 85 he was most famous for a book called storm boy when i was young every australian schoolkid had to read this book it was something about a boy and a pelican and gaining wisdom from an aboriginal bloke i honestly don t remember the details although i read the book and saw the movie on a personal note things are a bit sad on the home front right now my girlfriend s cat furgle met an untimely end last night a victim of the scourge of urban cats a passing car he was a very nice kitty and much too young to have this happen about 4 years old a faithful companion who won t be forgotten ok i promise to post a few videos later to cheer things up 10 comments filed under general august 2 2006 1 38 pm best...