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Text of the page (random words):
for signoff translation we sign off requirements when they re right we don t sign off steaming piles of camel turn simply because an arbitrary date has been reached ba but to meet the schedule this has to be signed off today we re delivering it on schedule but you have to sign it off translation the schedule said i had to produce a document by today i produced a document what could possibly be wrong me we can only sign off on the requirements when they re right not when they schedule says they should be signed off translation was i not clear about the steaming camel turd ba well could you do a conditional signoff and we ll make a note of your issues translation if you re stupid enough to put your name to this you ll never see me again it s your problem from then on me you ve got my feedback that s all that s coming out of this meeting there s no way i can sign off on these requirements take the feedback to your manager and if he has any issues he can take it up with my manager because i m under strict instructions to not sign off anything until it s ready to be signed off no matter what the schedule says translation we re onto your little games now get the fuck out of my face or i ll jam that worthless document down your throat until you choke surprisingly enough i did not extend my contract at that place the job market was very strong at the time and life is far too short to put up with that sort of insanity inducing dysfunction mind you it did form the basis of my forthcoming thesis project management failure an archetypal example of how to fuck things up completely 24 comments filed under work tagged as management project requirements work april 21 2008 5 12 pm project management disasters over more than 10 years of contracting as an it business analyst i ve learned there are two main reasons companies hire contractors either they re running some huge sprawling project and want to throw more bodies at it or they don t have the in house expertise for a particular project so they want to bring in an outsider who does although the big sprawling projects are a major source of employment i really don t like working on them the main reason for my dislike is that most of these massive projects are disasters the company is trying to do too much with too little idea of how to do it the classic nightmare for it staff is to be stuck in a project that s date driven by date driven i mean that the only way the project is measured is by whether or not is it delivered by some totally arbitrary date it s bad enough when you have to deal with a project manager who wants you to bow down before their gantt chart as if it s holy scripture but i have actually worked on multi million dollar projects where all activity is driven by the fact that someone in senior management has said it should be done by a certain date there s nothing that fills a development team with horror quite so much as something along the lines of the new financial system wil be in place before the end of the financial year and when you ask how that date was arrived at you get little more than that should be enough time as an analyst i find that sort of crap particularly galling because people who think this is a good way to run a project usually get pissed off when i start actually doing my job they get pissed off because my job is to ask questions and arbitrarily set dates usually don t hold up well to questioning here s an approximation of fun conversations that happen on projects like this boss the project has to be completed by the end of the year me what s actually involved b a new crm system has to be installed it will replace thee old stand alone systems and make us more efficient m but what s actually involved b i just told you we re implementing a new crm system m but what has to happen for that to be installed you said it s replacing three existing systems what happens to the data stored in those systems there s no way we ll be lucky enough that the new system handles data exactly the same way can it be configured to handle existing data somehow or will that require programming changes or is that not even possible which means we ll have to convert the existing data to a usable format can we do that via an automated process or will it have to be done manually and what about other systems that had interfaces to the systems being replaced how many interfaces to the new system are required and how long will it take to develop all of them and what about the users have you checked that the new system can actually meet all of their requirements are they going to have to change any existing processes in order to use the new system have you allowed enough time for training and how does it affect external suppliers at about this point i can see the boss is making a mental note that i m a troublemaker i can see it in his eyes b we don t know the answers to any of those questions but we ve committed to meeting the delivery date i m sure if we all get on board and make a commitment as a team we can make it happen at this point i m making a mental note that the boss is a fucking moron i hope he can t see it in my eyes m but you haven t even defined what it is you made a commitment to deliver the project by a set date without even quantifying what work has to be performed how can you possibly commit to a date when you don t even know what you have to do b if we discover that the volume of work is too much for the existing team to handle then we ll add more people to the team m have you ever read the mythical man month b never heard of it m that doesn t surprise me the book the mythical man month was written more than 30 years ago by a manager at ibm the single most important point in the book can be summarised as adding people to a project that is already behind schedule will make it later the main reason for this is that the more people you add the more convoluted lines of communication become until it gets to the point where communication takes more time than the work itself there s also the fact that when a project becomes severely behind schedule resourcing usually isn t the main problem an utter lack of direction from clueless management is usually the bigger issue software development is one of the fastest changing industries in the world but even after 30 years this book is regarded as one of the fundamental classics in the field the author jokes that it is referred to as the software development bible because of the number of people who say they believe in it but don t follow its teachings in their day to day life i have often considered bringing it in to work to show particularly clueless managers i think that maybe if i brought a really nice hard bound edition in i might be able to beat them to death with it and then i realise why i ve never moved into management i like to be able to face myself in the mirror 32 comments filed under work tagged as development management project software march 4 2008 4 16 pm great moments in workplace safety we had a big workshop on occupational health and safety issues at work today senior management were all in attendance to show how seriously they all take oh s despite the fact they cram too many of us into cubicles that are too small i was helping out the presenter by cleaning the whiteboard at the start of the presentation maybe i rubbed the board a bit vigorously but whatever the reason the fucking thing came off the wall bounced off my head and hit the floor with an ominous crash barely missing my toes i wasn t hurt it was only my head but it was startling to say the least considering i was almost killed while setting up a safety seminar does this qualify as irony or is it bad timing or possibly even just plain funny judging from the laughter from the audience there was a popular vote for funny oh except for the management types they were sitting with an external safety auditor they didn t laugh at all 4 comments filed under work tagged as irony safety work february 1 2008 1 57 pm don t waste time negotiating with psychos a little addendum to my post yesterday about workplace psychos don t waste time thinking you can change their behaviour it s that old story about the frog and the scorpion it s what they do most workplaces have some sort of conflict resolution process in place and if you get dragged into one of these with your psycho by all means participate in a positive way but don t fool yourself that anything is going to change one of the key elements of a clinical diagnosis for a psychopath or sociopath is that they don t respond to treatment you can t make them better they don t want to get better so don t make yourself look bad by refusing to participate but don t harbour any illusions about the outcome to give an example from my personal experience in one of my earliest jobs as a business analyst there was one programmer who was clearly a psycho part of my responsibility was testing changes to the system before any changes went live and this programmer would get a tad fiesty when i delayed releases of his changes by doing crazy things like finding critical flaws the process went a little like this monday i start testing changes he s made to the system this is a script driven system used by operators in a call centre and it has to guide them through about 20 steps the program falls over after the second step it literally crashes and i can t continue i file a bug report detailing the issue tuesday the programmer tells me the bug has been fixed and i should test it sure enough the bug has been fixed and i can get past step two then it crashes again at step five i file a bug report the programmer goes nuts and literally starts screaming he tells the project manager it s my fault the code isn t ready on time because i should have told him about this second bug yesterday the pm decides to calm the situation by taking us both off to another room to talk about the problem it took about five seconds to establish that the programmer was talking shit their whole beef was that i didn t tell them about this new bug yesterday i calmly explained why it was logically impossible for me to have done so i also was circumspect enough to not point out it was blindingly fucking obvious why it was impossible the original bug happened at step two the new bug was at step five i couldn t get past step two to see the bug at step five until after the first bug was fixed as soon as it became obvious his bullshit was indefensible the programmer became nice as pie he never admitted that his behaviour was totally fucked let alone that blaming me for errors in his code at all was fucked but he was suddenly the voice of reason he actually said oh why didn t you tell me that i understand now this was all a misunderstanding the pm asked if i was satisfied with the resolution of our discussion i said yes even though i knew that no resolution had been reached the smarmy git had simply weaselled his way out of the situation it was clear to me there was no value in pursuing it so i said everything was ok a week later exactly the same thing happened and i mean exactly this same programmer started shouting and abusing me because i was doing my job namely providing evidence that he was shit at his job the pm took me aside and asked if i wanted another counselling session i gave the honest answer no what s the point you can see he s being unreasonable if we go off and talk about it i ll prove he s being unreasonable then suddenly he ll be all sweetness and light and promise this will never happen again then next week it will happen again so long as you know he s being an idiot i don t really mind i can ignore him in some senses maybe i should have pursued it he deserved to be fired but that would have involved making a formal complaint to hr and then a process that would drag on for months with this psycho kicking and biting every step of the way and because of the small size of our team i would have had to keep working with him the whole time so getting rid of him was more painful than simply de fanging him he would still go apeshit from time to time but i had exposed him for what he was so he couldn t hurt me any more so from my experience and this is backed up by the reading i have done it s unlikely you can actually change an office psycho don t waste time and energy on them devote it to looking after yourself 5 comments filed under work tagged as conflict office psychopath resolution sociopath work older posts they said it mr angry on my favourite cocktail of 2023 mr angry on trigger words for mr angr mr angry on idiot users and how to deal wi radiant5bb180c181 on trigger words for mr angr radiant5bb180c181 on idiot users and how to deal wi recent posts time for some vanity i created one of my favourite cocktails damn it jimmy this is a good sake cocktail a reading from the good book a sessionable summer cocktail the second serve taking a merry widow nuclear 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