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eir mission in guatemala for 5 months now they are busy serving the lord one tooth extraction at a time andrew and i will be visiting them next month for 9 days we will be touring the area helping in the clinic and experiencing the life of our favorite missionaries follow their mission adventure at www guatemolar blogspot com i concluded my second year of business with the amazing grace dancers with a fantastic recital it was another year of learning and teaching all with zoe as my motivation lulu finished her last year of preschool with miss rebecca she is so ready for kindergarten and i am so not where does the time go our biggest and most exciting news is that i am pregnant with baby 3 i can t believe that i have been pregnant for 24 months of my life so far we will find out the gender next month august 21st baby is due january 6th 2015 i have heard countless times since zoe s condition wasn t genetic there s very little chance it will happen again everything is going to be okay the reality is that i have been the 1 in 110 statistic of carrying a child with a severe heart defect i know first hand that everything isn t always going to be okay pregnancy after child loss adds a whole new level of crazy to the hormones that simultaneously make us glow and bite peoples heads off at the same time i look back and think how was i so naive the last two times then there are moments where i wish i was still that naive and not up all night worrying before every appointment fearing that i won t hear my baby s heartbeat about 20 minutes after putting londyn to bed last night i heard her crying when i went to check on her she was looking at the dear lulu book that i made for her to remember her sister through her sobs she said i miss zoe why couldn t she stay my heart sank i wasn t prepared for this it s been a while since lulu has had a zoe day we read dear lulu talked about our eternal family and then said a prayer for peace this 5 year old continues to long for her baby sister and it is so hard to watch her struggle with grief at such a young age does it ever get easier here is a great read about what it s like to be pregnant after losing a child http www pregnancyafterlosssupport com 11 things not to say to the mama expecting again after a loss 2 posted by the armitage family at 9 32 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 4 11 2014 2 years two years ago today we welcomed a little piece of heaven into our hearts and lives we are forever changed we are forever better because of zoe i look at myself in these pictures and my heart hurts for the young mother that i see and the journey she is about to experience i see the hope and fear in her eyes and want to tell her that she is stronger than she knows that she is about to witness miracles tender mercies and the greatest eternal lesson i want to shake her and warn her of the excruciating pain that she is about to feel but most of all i want to tell her to never give up always trust in him and you will get through another day as a grieving parent birthdays seem to be more difficult than the anniversary of death the finality of her passing is easier to comprehend because we were there we saw her slipping away and grow weaker until her body could handle no more birthdays are not that way there is a layer of grief over what could have been and what will never be it is for that reason that i think this 2nd birthday has been such a test of faith i woke up today with more joy and enthusiasm than i have in the passed couple weeks i immediately felt a near tangible break in the fog my heart was full of gratitude and relief to celebrate with the ones i love most londyn was so excited to wear all things red including the necklace her auntie steph made with zoe s picture on it she also decided to take her photo album and elephant gracie whom she has grown very attached to as of late to show and tell at school when we picked her up from school she showed us a chalk drawing of zoe s headstone that she made after school we went to red robin one of the two restaurants that we went to with zoe we even sat at the same table following lunch we released balloons and sang happy birthday at the cemetery this day is so beautiful that i can practically feel her smile through the sunshine it has truly been a zoe day perfect in every way happy birthday sweet angel posted by the armitage family at 3 22 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 4 07 2014 the fog take a moment to recall the last time you drove on a thick and foggy morning for my fellow oregonians this is what most every morning looks like to us driving in the fog can be undependable and weary at times there are breaks in the fog when the road looks clear and others where you re white knuckling the steering wheel and just doing your best to keep your eyes on the dotted line as i was driving lulu to preschool this morning i found myself in this very fog physically mentally and emotionally this past week has been really tough like can t get out of bed tough i am overwhelmed i am sad frustrated and overwhelmed i am grieving the days have become longer and more difficult as zoe s 2nd birthday approaches this friday april 11th it just doesn t get easier does it i can t help but think of what it would be like if she were still here my 2 and 5 year old daughters would be in matching easter dresses and doing egg hunts together there would be two filled baskets on easter morning instead of just one my heart wouldn t know this continuous ache and i would feel normal last friday i just couldn t do it anymore i couldn t pretend like everything was okay i didn t want to pretend like i could do it all any longer i stayed in bed catching up on my shows crying and torturing myself with pictures of zoe andrew got lulu to school and brought me treats he had a massage scheduled that day for himself and even called to have it transferred over to me at least that got me to take a shower after one of the best massages i ve ever had i couldn t help but crawl back into bed for more shows crying and pictures this whole time andrew never once tried to fix me he just let me be me without feeling completely crazy and out of control later that evening we visited zoe and replaced the valentine s day decor with easter decorations that my mom had left for zoe before going on their mission to guatemala it made me feel better to see all of the beautiful spring colors and sun shining brightly it was there that i started to feel a break in the fog griefs journey never ends it continues to humble and teach me that i cannot do it alone and that i don t ever have to listening to general conference this past weekend could not have come at a more needed time the messages from our prophet and apostles fed my soul with the hope and encouragement that i needed the fog is still grey but i m taking it one morning at a time posted by the armitage family at 3 43 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 2 23 2014 the bigger picture it s hard to believe that in a month and a half zoe would have turned two years old it can t be how has that much time really passed since we welcomed our little angel into this world being a parent took on a whole new meaning it wasn t about getting the hang of breast feeding and worrying about my postpartum body it was about spending each and every possible moment with our child because it could easily be the last about four months after zoe died we started attending the dougy center a place for families and especially children dealing with the death of a loved one more on that was explained in this post it was so difficult at first but it was a relief to be around other grieving adults londyn enjoyed it at first but after a few months she said she didn t want to go back anymore i was concerned but with her sensitive little heart i didn t want to push it after about six months just out of the blue she asked to go back again we were put on a waiting list for a new opening in her age group and were able to go back to our first meeting on thursday february 13th it was extra special because this time andrew came too without hesitation londyn followed the kids and adult volunteers to the little s group and andrew and i went upstairs to the adult group parents sit and have an open discussion about their loss and coping with grief in past group sessions i ve attended the other parents were grieving the loss of a spouse and only once was their another parent having lost a child with that being said i couldn t relate as well to the other adults as i hadn t nor do i ever want to understand that kind of loss this time was much different than i ve ever experienced before a new couple was attending for the first time after losing their adoptive son to multiple congenital heart defects my heart ached for them as i could see the raw pain that this mother was enduring at one point someone asked how londyn was doing i explained that she has been struggling for a while as she is continuously worrying about her loved ones dying i shared that some friends of ours recently lost their baby girl to a terminal illness and then our dear sweet pediatrician suddenly passed away in december with an aggressive cancer which i shared in this post just then a man sitting several seats away from us spoke up and said i think that was my wife i looked at him blankly for moment in shock all i could think to say was what he said i think you are talking about my wife she was a pediatrician what was her name i drew a blank because i still couldn t believe that this could really be happening i finally said mindy green his eyes lit when he said that s my wife tears welled up in my eyes as i sat there and told him how much we cherished his wife and how amazing she was with londyn and i after losing zoe i told him that mindy and i always talked about getting our girls together as they are the same age it was beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time to think that these girls were finally playing together downstairs in their group it was truly an act of god that our paths crossed and i know mindy was smiling at the sight of our girls playing together at the dougy center after our group was over he came up to me and said i feel like i need to give you a hug before we left he invited us to lunch at a nearby burger joint it was an amazing day we visited zoe s grave yesterday it had been a few weeks since we last visited i love seeing all of the red hearts and flowers that my mom and dad decorated before they left on their mission londyn usually helps with the flowers and then runs off to explore the cemetery grounds this used to bother me because i unrealistically expected our young child to sit and talk about zoe during our visit that s not what kids do now when i see lulu running and talking to herself i like to think that she is playing with her sister this sweet thought always makes me smile heavenly father see s the bigger picture there are days when i wish i could just take a peek but how will i learn how will i grow in this life we are given opportunities to stretch ourselves and exercise our free agency to become the best version of ourselves these opportunities come when least expected and test us pulling our faith in every direction being zoe s mother is the most painful blessing i will ever know the 9 months that i carried her and 4 1 2 months that we had her here on this earth presented so many miracles and tender mercies that give me the strength to endure i know that this sorrow is temporary and that one day the bigger picture will be revealed and all joy will be restored families are forever this is my bigger picture posted by the armitage family at 9 45 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 2 11 2014 farewell celebrating an early gotcha day the night before our favorite new missionaries left for utah we ve spent every gotcha day at this very fuddruckers except one year when i lived in utah my parents flew out and took my friends and i to fuddruckers in orem it only seems appropriate on the eve of my 28th gotcha day to blog about the amazing parents that my heavenly father chose for me on february 12th 1987 this would not have been the case several days ago as i was a blubbering idiot for the entire first week of their absence it was pretty bad i was falling apart over the littlest things being alone at night didn t help i got teary over boiling zucchini in a specific pot just because it reminded me of my dad i know seriously i think they knew how bad i had it because they called every day last week i couldn t even hear my dad s voice without turning into a puddle i have always joked about my separation anxiety since i couldn t even get through a sleepover as a youth without calling my dad in the middle of the night to come pick me up my parents have always pointed the finger at adoption and abandonment it doesn t help that these two have never given up on me they have loved and cheered me on through the best and worst times they adore andrew and londyn more than i could have ever imagined they just don t make it easy to let go living in their house doesn t help the situation either i grew up in this house from the age of 7 and it was just the three of us for most of those years this week has been much easier thus far and i don t white knuckle my phone at the hint of a text from what could be my mom anymore although skyping with them for the first time last night was pretty awesome londyn has always been very close with my parents we have lived in the same house just 5 minutes away from them since the day she was born when zoe was in the hospital londyn lived with them off and on for days there were times when i had no idea where what or how she was doing but i always knew she was in good hands because i knew who she was with she was with the next best thing my parents we rarely go more than two days without seeing grandma and grandpa so this is a huge adjustment for her after losing zoe londyn s greatest fears aren t monsters under her bed or being afraid of the dark like a typical 4 year old her fears involve losing loved ones too soon as we ve prepared her for months about gma gpa s mission she has repeatedly said i am not going to miss them she frequently says this because saying goodbye or missing people makes her sad she has already asked me if grandma and grandpa are going to die and not come back it s so hard to know what to say when the shock of your child s curiosity takes your breath away i have learned to take a moment breathe say a small prayer and do the best i can in the moment the hardest part is that i can t give her any guarantees and our time with zoe has taught us that very important life lesson my parents and especially my mom have always been so sensitive to londyn s grief they were in the fr...