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g vivid dream which has stuck with me riley is holding my hand as i lay very old in bed his hand is large and angular warm muscular yet bony in that man hand sort of way that many men have my hand is old and the skin is wrinkled and worn and i know i am near my end he s just sitting with me holding my hand and i don t know if he even realizes that i know what he s doing one of the first times i had this dream i woke up with that odd sense of time wrapping in a loop around me and i got up and went and held his little hand while he was in the upper bunk bed in their room and he squeezed my hand back reflexively and i savored the feel of his angular little bony hand in mine i tried to imprint that sensation in my brain for later because even then we were reaching a stage where hand holding wasn t as everyday a thing as it had been so now they are thirteen fast approaching fourteen and any physical contact has become a much rarer thing since they need their space to become more independent they still hug me which i m incredibly grateful for but hand holding is right out too babyish too weird now to even contemplate little kids hold hands with other kids without thinking they hold hands with a buddy to cross the street to line up just because they re friends and they feel close but at some point when we mature holding hands turns to different meanings you hold hands when you re early in the dating process maybe you hold hands with your partner sometimes when you re walking together hand holding is considered a public display of affection and can be fraught with meaning and consequences if you re holding hands with someone of the same gender in an unfriendly place you don t ever just hold hands with good friends at least in this american culture it would be really weird we shake hands a brief hand holding gesture to greet formally or seal a deal to demonstrate a public acknowledgement of contact and willingness to be friends shaking hands seems to be disappearing as a social gesture at least out here in more casual california and in some ways it s a shame since it s hard not to look someone in the eyes when you shake hands and acknowledge that they are a real person with feelings in services of various sorts church funerals weddings maybe we might join hands for a final prayer or special words and everyone forms a link in a chain or a circle of hands being held you end up holding hands with people you might not even know or know only slightly and in that context it s all right you can learn a lot about a person just by holding their hand hands tell so many things about us that we aren t even aware of on a conscious level age warmth strength profession friendliness a willingness to squeeze your hand back in an acknowledgement that you ve just shared a small connection forming that larger bond of community is one of the few places and times we re allowed to just hold hands with anybody and have it be an uncomplicated good thing it s a powerful feeling when done as a group after a shared experience and it helps form bonds and sprout seeds of potential friendships it s a good thing that seems to happen too rarely i occasionally get to hold my boys hands when we re at church or in a group now and i can feel how much their hands have grown and how strong they ve become in a way that i don t realize during day to day life it makes me wistful for when holding their hands was a regular thing and aware of how much they ve grown we hold a friend s hand briefly probably when trying to comfort them in times of extremity i ve held hands with dave walking to help be his guide since he can t see and it s always been a pleasure to just hold hands and walk and talk with him though it does require a bit of attention to not get distracted by the talking so much that i run him into light poles or off curbs and such holding hands and walking with dave is a pleasure shared by his many friends rather like being a part of a secret club we get the pleasure of walking and holding hands again with a friend like when we were little kids and more than a few of us have missed that simple bonding in our adult lives i remember when our friend caroline was in the hospital in her last few days it was just kind of tacitly agreed upon by the varied people visiting and staying with her that we would take turns holding her hand so that she would know there was always someone there with her even though we didn t know if she really felt it or realized at that point she was in a coma we did it more for ourselves really holding her hand i sat there holding her hand then and wondered why i d never actually held her hand while she was conscious awake aware and still her own witty observant self why i d never held her hand even after she was diagnosed when we visited while she was still joking around even though she knew how serious it all was what is it with these social conventions these strictures that hold us back from just reaching out and holding someone s hand it s such a simple easy gesture it s comforting it demonstrates an uncomplicated love we use it without even pausing to think at the beginnings and endings of life why do we have to limit it so much in the middle of our lives posted by beckett gladney at 5 30 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday july 13 2014 living music i m listening to music by a couple of my friends kristoph and margaret they ve come up on my custom pandora internet station along with the likes of some very famous musicians their music has got me thinking about friends and music so bear with me if i ramble on out loud here kristoph and margaret are part of avalon rising as well as broceliande and they also play at times as just themselves margaret at avalon rising s 20th anniversary show margaret plays her harp at weddings and other events she creates beautiful calligraphy for weddings certificates and other documents that are heirloom pieces kristoph in addition to being a multi talented musician is a hard working and talented recording engineer who has helped a lot of indie musicians create stellar albums of their music they re both real working musicians who make their living by living their music it s never an easy thing making your living by music it requires exceptional musical ability training and hard work to stay in it long term it takes an enormous long lasting supply of commitment stubbornness and bravery to do it as a long term career as they do any of us who know margaret and kristoph are well aware that they are both not only amazingly good musicians but they re also exceptional people good people intelligent wise people who value kindness and friendships and love they celebrate those quickly fleeting things we value in life with their music and their art they aren t the sort of people to climb over others on a ladder to fame and transitory success this is the san francisco bay area though and it has one of the highest costs of living in the country the bay area may be a haven for artists and musicians but we re not a culture that values artists or musicians these days just looking at the schools and the way that arts and music has been completely cut from curriculum except for a few dedicated volunteers is a pretty good indicator of how little music and art are valued in this country even here in the bay area it s a really rare thing to find people who live their music as an essential part of their lives those few are people to be held closely gently with an appreciation for the gifts they let shine when puzzlebox went to england to play music there i was amazed at how many of the people we met there have serious musical training and really use their musical abilities in their everyday lives to sing to perform to create they sing in big and small choral groups they play multiple instruments they perform lots of styles of music they live in close comfortable contact with their music without embarrassment or apology it is an integral part of their lives there as it s so rarely done here the way that everyone in a crowded room would just join in singing in spontaneous harmony just about made my heart burst they had a closeness and sense of family that we struggle to find here with our large distances and busy lives here finding like minded people who play music and live with music as a part of their daily lives is a rare and precious thing most of us are far flung and even those of us who live within reasonable distances are usually much too busy keeping our lives together to get together as often as we would like we re lucky enough to have friends in our area like jeff and maya bohnhoff and kristoph and margaret who all have exceptional musical ability it s a lot of fun to listen to all of them geek out about music and if you get kristoph and jeff going on about music and sound engineering they may never stop since they re friends and a couple of the best recording engineers in the area they re both top people to go to if you re ready to record an album if you haven t heard jeff s masterpiece midichlorian rhapsody give it a listen he wrote the parody he recorded multiple tracks of himself maya and a bunch of friends playing the many many tracks of instrumentals and vocals and he made it all happen he and maya listened to queen s original and figured out how to recreate the sound but it s all new all jeff s doing it s an amazing piece of work and really showcases his musical and recording engineering abilities it s fun to be in the recording studio with each of them they each have their own style and mannerisms but they both put so much more into the process of recording albums than you might expect if you haven t recorded before there s a whole lot of work that they each put into not just successfully engineering recording the sound so it is as good as it can be but also the arrangements additional instruments the balancing and the sound qualities one of the things that has always blown me away is how both jeff and kristoph end up adding in huge numbers of additional flavor music tracks like guitar bass additional vocals and more to make the songs really stand out when kristoph was engineering for seanan mcguire on her wicked girls album the musical arrangements and many of the instrumental and vocal tracks were his seanan had a vision for what the album wanted to be she s such a talented writer and musician she writes the lyrics and tunes for the vast majority of songs on her albums there were a lot of great musicians adding tracks to that album but it came into being and the album had a particular feel and sound because of kristoph conducting shaping and molding each song and the whole album into a cohesive entity with a distinctive personality when i worked with him to record harmonica tracks for accompaniment on songs for a couple of albums he made it all so much less stressful and so much more fun than i expected because he was relaxed clear and easy to work with the albums he puts out are exceptional because of kristoph s abilities and all of the extra work he put into it he really cares about producing a great album jeff is the same way and the commitment to quality work on both of their parts is always impressive to watch in action when we played at baycon this past may kathy mar invited us to play a braided concert with kristoph margaret jeff and maya and as many of the puzzlebox crew as we could pull together we couldn t really get everyone together much ahead of time to rehearse but we managed a room rehearsal and we had a blast taunya mugs at rehearsal with socrates fox and penny s cat that i made for them i m certainly the least of the musicians among the crew we had for that concert and listening to them working together was like sitting in on a master class in performing and arranging music i can t really express how much i like all of them and how wonderful it is to create music that is greater than the sum of the parts i wish for a lot more music in all of our lives and for the joys it brings and not the heartaches of not being able to do as much of it as we would like thanks guys for making my little life richer by being in it read more posted by beckett gladney at 3 08 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday june 02 2014 the world for women anybody who has ever been to uc santa barbara would tell you that it s a laid back idyllic place that s a great place to go to college it s a beautiful place and isla vista which is the little town in the midst of campus where all the students end up living and hanging out is filled with beautiful kids getting pizza and going to the beach and surfing when they aren t stressed about finals the weather is classic california beach weather it s not a place one associates with gunshots and killings that s for sure but neither are any of the other places where kids have been shot and killed by disgruntled gunmen either which just drives it home further that these killings could happen anywhere to any of us i m not even going to get into the whole gun debate this time but i do want to talk about women and men i ll totally understand if you are sick of all of the talk and just want to leave it i feel much the same way i ve been thinking on this post and re writing and editing again for awhile now and i m having real trouble with it because the whole subject of men being mad at women for not giving them what they want is just painful there s no easy way to approach it people talk about white male privilege and how being a white straight male is the easiest road yet the gunmen who go on rampages and kill innocent people students little kids are overwhelmingly white males i can t claim to understand it writer michelle sagara thinks things through in a rational and cogent way her thoughts are always well worth a read vixy also has an excellent set of thoughts about pervasive attitudes and what people can actually do since most of us end up feeling powerless and helpless in the face of all of this various people have mentioned the yesallwomen comments going on in twitter i haven t delved into it in any depth for several reasons it s all very familiar for one thing there are so many women with painful stories there are so many hateful comments from men or maybe trolls there are too many ugly comments there to be bearable and none of it surprises me much though the amount of virulent hatred expressed by some is really frightening and disturbing the people who post these angry hateful things either don t see them as being dangerously hateful or deliberately want to stir the pot and anger and upset others whatever their reasons their words are despicable and hurtful it s hard to imagine why anyone would want to be around people like that much less date them i m trying to raise two boys to be intelligent kind respectful people i have been fighting against stereotypes laid out for ...