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Text of the page (random words):
as hoping to be spared this decade but we all know those phone calls can still happen the sudden shift in luck with my sister somehow was the best cure for my fear about our new baby all that undercurrent in my heart still asking myself am i a fraud even though i know rationally surrogacy and egg donation don t rob me of legitimacy i was still very much struggling with it i can t say those insecurities won t creep up again down the road but life now seems so short and precious if my sister could almost be struck with an illness so randomly and yet escape its devilish hands then why the hell am i worrying whether i am really my kids mother why am i putting that burden on myself when in the greater scheme of things life is flying by so as the days draw nearer i am getting back into a space of peace and joy that this little boy is joining us my family of four is feeling very real and very life affirming let the countdown begin posted by tabi at 6 42 pm 5 comments labels donor egg surrogacy thursday may 5 2011 happiness lately every time i open a magazine there is an article on happiness whether it s how to get it or why it s an illusion i seem to be in a mode where i need to understand it in the past there were studies concluding that people with children were happier than people without children but more recent studies have shown the opposite so as an infertile who loaded all of her ammunition towards equating happiness with children i see now that motherhood is more complicated than this day to day crankiness can accumulate i have noticed this about myself the little things that go wrong drive me nuts and make life much harder with a toddler who is now defying everything you try to do in her daily routine she fights the bath she fights the nap she fights getting into the stroller etc in your exasperated state it s hard to even contemplate happiness i finished my day and i can t wait to roll into bed and close my eyes there are so many things right now to be happy about our baby boy is thriving and a is doing fabulous our daughter is walking and talking and developing more and more personality but i was still letting little things piss me off all day i was also getting isolated i am not really spending time with other mothers because i don t want to have to explain how it is possible that i am not pregnant but will soon have a newborn in my arms i battled the idea of positive thinking all through infertility but i still seem to be challenged in this department so one of the articles i read talked about an exercise for positive emotion which is one of the pillars of a happy life every night you are suppose to write down or say three things that day that went your way it can be pure luck or it can be something your sought to do and got it done it s a way to counter the feeling that the universe is against you so my husband and i have been doing this every night before going to bed and i think it is really working i don t complain as much i am putting more effort to meeting other moms i am enjoying my daughter more so i highly recommend this if you are feeling flustered and tired in the juggling of motherhood or you are so burned out from the insanity of infertility treatments it can t hurt to try posted by tabi at 6 58 pm 1 comment labels motherhood thursday march 31 2011 forty in a couple months i will be turning 40 it s waiting there for me in the fertility world this marks a big cut off point as to whether a fertility doc will take on an old broad like me or toss me aside with no hope i began this journey at the tail end of 34 years of age and i can t even believe that i spent the second half of my 30s spiraling into infertility hell through those horrible years 40 was the big dreaded dead end for me even though plenty of women get pregnant after 40 i knew that if it wasn t happening by 40 i would just have to welcome menopause and call it a day so i had been planning in theory to arrive at a fuller acceptance of what happened to me in my 30s and begin 40 with a clean slate i really want to do this but it s seriously not helping that for some reason 2011 is an explosion of pregnancy all around me everyone from younger friends same age friends infertile friends to even older friends 40 plus are all getting knocked up but the kicking and screaming and feeling like i got screwed is not how i want to start this next decade i really want it to be a starting point my father used to say to me when i was young that he couldn t believe he was this old he didn t feel any different than when he was a young man i would just shrug my shoulders and now i feel the exact same way putting wisdom and knowledge aside internal aging is this weird invisible thing yes my eggs are crap and are withering away for good but the essence of who i am doesn t feel like it s aged at all there has to be something too that aging is not the most fun thing but i have to hold on to the parts of aging that still open doors and breath life into us i mean if our essence deteriorated like our eggs then we d be some seriously cranky toxic people having two young children at this mature age also swings expectations to a younger mind set most women in their 40s have long started their family and are well into having tweens and teenagers i on the other hand will be searching for preschools this fall but being immersed in the baby and toddler world sometimes fools me into thinking i am younger i breath among young mothers all around me and then i start to believe i am a young mother too there is good and bad to this as many illusions of youth might suggest on the one hand i can live a young mother life because that s the reality of where i am in motherhood but at times i remember when my daughter goes to college i will be nearly 60 years old it makes planning your life a little different knowing that you are going to have to still be 100 parent at an older age while others might be having their first grandchild but i promised myself i would end this post on a positive note as this is the new theme i am striving for it helps that i now have 40 followers on my blog so thanks for that symmetry but back to my positive ending i do recall when i turned 30 i went to an astrologist on my birthday who said to me that my saturn renews every 30 years it s like a clearing out of an old room and refurnishing so at 30 years i cleared my internal room and began again she said my next clearing out will be at 60 years old as it turns out just in time for when my daughter goes to college so in the end 40 is just another year of living among hopefully many more to come my room still has bad pieces of furniture from those awful painful years but it doesn t mean they have to take over the whole space it s time for some reupholstering get me a stable gun posted by tabi at 7 31 pm 1 comment labels motherhood friday march 18 2011 it s a boy never thought i would post such a cutesy sort of picture but feeling like the stork funnily enough is the way i experience having babies that mythological bird is quite real in my world everything is looking good with our baby boy and a is doing fabulous as always it s really unbelievable to me that we will have both a daughter and a son a truly double blessing as my new family is transforming i feels like i sometimes need olympian strength to manage so many balls in the air though i ve been lucky to have storks in my life help carry the weight the downside is sometimes your own body becomes sort of a second class citizen i spend all this time thinking about my daughter s bodily functions and then a s body and then the new baby s body i ve found my own body to be rudely neglected it gets no exercise it feeds when there happens to be free time it doesn t get much adult mental stretching it doesn t groom that much it doesn t sleep much so this winter has been brutal to say the least my immune system is clearly down i ve gotten the stomach flu 3 times in between countless colds and now currently recovering from the 4th bout of this damn stomach virus i am realizing that as much as i am responsible for other bodies in my life i am not much use if my own body is limp and exhausted so today is a day where i celebrate storks but remember that my own body shouldn t be orphaned either posted by tabi at 10 39 am 1 comment labels sibling project surrogacy wednesday february 9 2011 new vocabulary i seem to be entering into a new world of vocabulary when i first fell into the bleak arena of infertility i had no idea what the hell these acronyms meant er et bfp bfn iui dh af etc i eventually used words like sticky vibes and embies as if we lived in an ivf elf land these need no explanations as i am sure dear readers you are for the most part ivfers or veteran ivfers but in my naive state it was a world to decode then sadly soon enough this was my language when we reached the extreme state of third party parenting i couldn t believe i was in a state of mind where the words third party parenting was the norm the words surrogate and gestational carrier were as common to me as haircutter and dentist then donor became the new word to practice getting used to it still doesn t quite roll off the tongue as naturally as i would like but there is deep seeded baggage entering into motherhood i faced the mommy club i so longed to be in yet hated at the same time products like breast friend made me cringe what the hell is a boppy i once said then my words devolved into sing song baby talk night night do you want your baba who is mama who is dada did you do a poopy but alas these mommy sounds coming out of my mouth were a welcomed change after the spectrum of weird words flowing from me for so long now as i enter the stage of 2 children so close in age i am finding another set of vocabulary i didn t know about i had never even heard of the expression 2 under 2 until a friend congratulated me on the new baby i didn t know there were things called tandem strollers i found a great blog called baby bunching which is about back to back pregnancies me and celeb moms are doing a thang now called baby bunching who knew there are even recommended picks for us then i kept seeing twibling floating around apparently it is when two babies are born around the same time from two different surrogates or two babies are born from the same batch of embryos so i guess i am having twiblings i never really considered the fact that since the embryos were created at the same time that they are some how twins that seems rather absurd to me that would mean all of us ivf girls are constantly having twins but they are years apart sorry doesn t quite fly in my book but the article in the ny times meet the twiblings by melanie thernstrom was a very honest account of her journey with donor egg and surrogacy the fact that she used two surrogates i am sure made the ny times lick their lips but i am glad she wrote it in first person instead of the usually crappy reporting they do on fertility i didn t see a comment section which is usually where you hear the insanity out there but i feel like i can say with authority that she got it right this new terminology is still strange still fresh still finding its way in some ways the creation of new words like twiblings carves out a space for new forms of reproduction and family building but we won t know for a long while if these new words will be alienating or inclusive will the world adopt these words as legitimate and not as some sort of mockery in the meantime twiblings or no twiblings my kids will be 18 months apart and will be from the same batch of embryos and are from the same donor and same surrogate i think i will just stick to for now saying they are brother or sister posted by tabi at 10 28 pm 2 comments labels donor egg motherhood surrogacy wednesday february 2 2011 happy 1st birthday on this very early morning a year ago a gave birth to our beautiful daughter it s unbelievable still to me that we managed to come out of this journey with a family we are truly blessed as time used to move for me at a torturous snail s pace when waiting for betas or periods or fertility reports this year has had a sort of stop clock feeling it s gone lightening fast at moments and then very long and exhausting at others the first 3 months in some ways felt like a lifetime and in other ways a total blur the 4 month to 6 month period was fast as hell the 6 month to 8 month was a tough spell of trying to survive on the accumulated lack of sleep and trying to find outlets for myself the 8 month to 12 month period was filled with joys of watching my daughter move to a new level of awareness and watching myself come to terms with the not so perfect daily life of motherhood let s see what the next 12 months bring as we bring another member into our family it s becoming more and more exciting to think of our family growing and for a new person to enter our lives as always it s will be juggling act but an act worth every effort posted by tabi at 4 45 pm 2 comments labels motherhood older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me tabi view my complete profile a journal of life with ivf and whatever unconventional baby making methods that work whatever art form it takes photo video graphic or craft some predicaments in life need more than words to express the truth ivf is not just a medical treatment it is a way of life now surrogacy is my road i intend to be a parent however it works this blog is my commitment to writing and visually creating what i mean by this there may be an art to getting pregnant but there is equally an art to being infertile reproductive data 3 unmedicated iuis bfn 2 iuis with clomid bfn ivf 1 bfp but ectopic ivf 2 bfp but miscarried ivf 3 bfp but another ectopic ivf 4 bfp but chemical ivf 5 w gc bfn ivf 6 w gc and de bfp baby girl born february 2010 frozen cycle w gc nov 2010 bfp sibling due date july 31 2011 diagnosed with blood clotting disorders elevated levels of lupus anti coagulant anti phosphatydylserine and mthfr one copy who the hell knows what s wrong no one can really figure this out labels adventures of little miss positive 6 animation video 9 audio 1 baby 5 birth 1 china trip 6 craft therapy 2 donor egg 55 graphics 11 ivf christmas cards 11 ivf 3 9 ivf 4 4 ivf 5 9 ivf 6 8 motherhood 17 musings 1 photo 5 pregnancy 34 sibling project 6 surrogacy 84 top ten list 10 followers blog archive 2011 8 august 1 much delayed baby announcement july 1 may 1 march 2 february 2 january 1 2010 33 december 2 november 4 october 1 august 1 july 2 june 3 may 1 april 1 march 3 february 2 january 13 2009 40 december 2 november 3 october 3 september 3 august 4 july 3 june 5 may 5 april 2 march 1 february 6 january 3 2008 50 december 3 november 4 october 2 september 1 august 4 july 3 june 2 may 7 april 3 march 8 february 7 january 6 2007 12 december 12 links the stirrup queen s completely anal list of blogs that proves that she really missed her calling as a pers...