Meta tags:
description=A blog about miscarriage, pregnancy after loss, depression and hope.;

Headings (most frequently used words):

of, with, monday, blog, walking, you, the, and, am, good, now, in, anders, january, 2013, 2011, spirit, hope, about, me, followers, pages, labels, search, this, archive, blogs, like, email, check, these, out, grab, my, button, pit, hurts, who, where, we, are, it, back, form, postpartum, depression, four, months, photos, happy, birthday, still, here, baby, 14, thursday, august, 25, june, 27,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (174), and (129), was (85), that (63), with (52), for (44), but (41), this (36), you (34), anders (31), had (27), share (26), baby (25), not (24), when (22), have (22), weeks (22), time (22), just (20), can (19), paul (18), one (18), out (17), what (17), all (16), been (16), didn (16), much (16), day (15), then (15), work (15), were (15), they (15), back (15), him (15), like (14), here (14), after (14), don (14), first (14), hope (13), good (13), our (12), #depression (12), two (12), about (12), still (12), went (12), said (12), love (12), week (12), email (11), pit (11), babies (11), again (11), she (11), how (11), grief (10), well (10), until (10), last (10), days (10), very (10), there (10), think (10), from (9), pregnancy (9), where (9), karin (9), home (9), kind (9), words (9), months (9), now (9), would (9), knew (9), heart (8), having (8), facebook (8), posted (8), photos (8), every (8), needed (8), only (8), contractions (8), could (8), little (8), get (8), new (8), three (8), wanted (8), know (8), has (8), blog (7), walking (7), february (7), right (7), pinterest (7), blogthis (7), though (7), some (7), before (7), since (7), even (7), them (7), way (7), around (7), decided (7), wasn (7), bit (7), because (7), hurt (7), wonderful (7), okay (7), are (7), take (7), old (7), early (7), want (7), today (7), will (7), his (6), through (6), april (6), january (6), who (6), postpartum (6), miscarriage (6), labels (6), born (6), weekly (6), more (6), than (6), four (6), did (6), hospital (6), took (6), doing (6), water (6), six (6), started (6), hours (6), came (6), anything (6), meds (6), need (6), care (6), hard (6), better (6), why (6), these (5), support (5), journey (5), sufficient (5), grace (5), loss (5), place (5), august (5), 2011 (5), family (5), posts (5), head (5), wouldn (5), monday (5), each (5), off (5), labor (5), her (5), broke (5), reading (5), nurses (5), while (5), few (5), feel (5), always (5), check (4), future (4), needs (4), side (4), 2013 (4), fun (4), things (4), another (4), any (4), your (4), felt (4), schedule (4), seeing (4), loved (4), rather (4), regular (4), important (4), moving (4), next (4), saying (4), long (4), nothing (4), happening (4), going (4), most (4), start (4), got (4), nurse (4), happy (4), say (4), too (4), made (4), other (4), surgery (4), bottle (4), pumping (4), feeding (4), into (4), boy (4), cried (4), many (4), give (4), ago (4), list (4), second (4), wrong (4), help (4), post (4), lovely (4), someone (4), gave (4), learned (4), written (3), blue (3), sweet (3), peace (3), faith (3), healing (3), grieve (3), june (3), hurts (3), therapy (3), anxiety (3), mother (3), favorite (3), friends (3), online (3), managed (3), wait (3), held (3), down (3), history (3), leave (3), heartbeat (3), moment (3), appointment (3), bpp (3), rest (3), yet (3), told (3), minutes (3), progressed (3), instead (3), call (3), later (3), fluid (3), kept (3), actually (3), taking (3), busy (3), tub (3), left (3), night (3), tried (3), bad (3), enough (3), couldn (3), which (3), twice (3), throughout (3), ready (3), anesthesiologist (3), hadn (3), past (3), doctor (3), section (3), big (3), really (3), without (3), accepted (3), pain (3), fine (3), doesn (3), nursing (3), formula (3), milk (3), talk (3), levels (3), those (3), less (3), remember (3), looked (3), same (3), telling (3), believe (3), miss (3), month (3), best (3), cloth (3), friend (3), away (3), write (3), normal (3), everything (3), tell (3), idea (3), ask (3), myself (3), ever (3), mom (3), writing (3), add (3), space (3), kelly (3), 2009 (3), found (3), wish (3), amazing (3), ministries (3), others (3), community (3), thing (3), clinging (3), infant (2), life (2), forever (2), lori (2), hannah (2), joy (2), faces (2), blogs (2), december (2), 2010 (2), prayer (2), thoughts (2), strength (2), view (2), complete (2), heaven (2), reader (2), present (2), updates (2), promise (2), olson (2), should (2), come (2), given (2), factor (2), leiden (2), induction (2), set (2), tests (2), noon (2), stubborn (2), make (2), over (2), hour (2), pass (2), sleeping (2), dilated (2), effaced (2), nst (2), five (2), checked (2), admitted (2), clothes (2), pretty (2), bed (2), quickly (2), called (2), pictures (2), being (2), bag (2), filled (2), alone (2), plan (2), pitocin (2), getting (2), nubain (2), drunk (2), pleasant (2), such (2), hit (2), between (2), staying (2), read (2), also (2), scalp (2), times (2), point (2), connected (2), course (2), different (2), awhile (2), relief (2), maybe (2), looking (2), phone (2), deal (2), medical (2), control (2), wonder (2), quite (2), update (2), details (2), regret (2), delivery (2), experience (2), except (2), saw (2), lactation (2), consultant (2), latch (2), exclusively (2), figured (2), easier (2), exhausting (2), hated (2), high (2), brain (2), visit (2), breastfeeding (2), done (2), sleep (2), calling (2), name (2), hold (2), room (2), together (2), crying (2), girl (2), ultrasound (2), wrapped (2), birthday (2), already (2), half (2), snuggles (2), bigger (2), diaper (2), red (2), hair (2), vicky (2), jump (2), trying (2), diapers (2), eight (2), finally (2), walk (2), outfit (2), dinosaur (2), figure (2), daddy (2), aside (2), returning (2), anxious (2), anymore (2), wellbutrin (2), hole (2), knowing (2), monthly (2), year (2), both (2), health (2), waiting (2), isn (2), yes (2), spin (2), something (2), thought (2), wrote (2), summer (2), see (2), known (2), stories (2), story (2), miscarried (2), horrible (2), physically (2), simply (2), emotionally (2), never (2), forget (2), worth (2), partum (2), mind (2), find (2), ladies (2), raw (2), yourself (2), line (2), absolutely (2), believed (2), spirit (2), premade, templates, designed, blogaholic, designs, powered, blogger, grab, button, karinshope, gmail, com, snows, holds, bereavement, youngs, meuniers, lightest, burden, karr, leaning, everlasting, arms, sparrow, beauty, samantha, song, pregnant, chicken, special, child, butterfly, ella, loving, angels, does, maryland, journeying, honor, mommy, heather, mohr, heading, towards, rose, loud, gott, footprints, hearts, finding, rainbow, dear, henry, creative, carried, caring, carleigh, anchored, angel, 320, sycamore, march, may, july, september, october, november, archive, search, testing, music, knitting, holidays, coping, celebrate, verses, pages, followers, profile, wife, cuddler, leinie, luna, feline, writer, scrapbooker, piano, player, novice, knitter, faithful, believer, survivor, subscribe, atom, older, quiet, seem, swear, several, working, introduce, son, quick, peek, anxiously, counting, beginning, safest, date, biophysical, profiles, nonstress, performed, thursdays, hearing, end, nsts, job, apparently, showing, breathing, drank, lots, orange, juice, hooked, barely, passed, consulted, determined, repeat, tuesday, flying, colors, showed, seven, lasting, seconds, grocery, store, snacks, bounced, yoga, ball, afternoon, dinner, mall, walked, gap, admire, cute, debated, heparin, injection, 30pm, 15pm, lying, fall, asleep, monitored, mean, wet, pants, yeah, running, clear, woke, cliched, grew, alert, explained, tested, positive, group, strep, predictably, couple, wide, awake, boring, station, confirmed, broken, antibiotics, reminded, clockwork, hung, niece, die, gbs, infection, protesting, 7am, rolled, own, whom, nice, uncomfortable, unmanageable, spent, himself, lunch, mostly, contraction, counter, pressure, helpfully, able, internal, monitoring, monitors, weren, electrode, chose, placing, completely, unmedicated, once, iupcs, monitor, swat, team, placed, correctly, happily, martha, stewart, living, 3pm, naps, lemon, italian, ices, student, sheepish, thinking, nearing, various, reason, scary, option, controlled, environment, stresses, welcome, prepping, emergency, molding, cervix, fit, relaxed, keep, shorter, capture, labored, ultimately, hesitation, won, totally, scheduling, container, ideal, tummy, receiving, breast, proud, let, relationship, nipple, confusion, real, guy, eat, scream, position, became, fighting, attempt, champion, latcher, feed, expressed, finish, defeating, minute, letting, supplementing, forced, supplement, bilirubin, abnormally, sleepy, starting, protested, guilted, bili, lead, damage, charts, worked, loopy, precisely, pastor, visitors, thrilled, within, chest, bathed, newborn, hazy, deprived, endorphin, driven, midnight, parents, final, boys, names, oliver, named, surgeons, finished, putting, nursery, weighed, met, meconium, stimulate, suctioned, midwife, shocked, convinced, sex, consider, feat, techs, slip, remembered, funky, earrings, full, circle, seemed, moved, table, cold, warm, towels, quickest, catch, goodness, tiny, hear, keeps, cuteness, current, photo, eyes, hint, taken, strong, johnny, hiking, backpack, overwhelmed, developmental, milestones, sitting, grabbing, hands, mouth, teething, flag, ducky, bathrobe, easter, basket, cobber, typical, maternity, mascara, likely, diet, coke, snow, melted, mid, baptism, dress, man, particular, sweater, elbow, patches, bath, success, baths, shirt, feet, uploading, rotate, sorry, nine, upside, gets, action, packed, grey, picked, hockey, game, picture, moose, muffin, fact, meaning, impetus, tonight, diagnosis, switch, flipped, difficult, touch, colic, clock, stomach, grain, salt, beautiful, guilt, psychiatrist, morning, dropped, lexapro, med, decreased, dose, lost, edge, far, pump, suggested, disposable, laundry, standing, spins, sad, angry, frustrated, embarrassed, push, caught, pysch, biweekly, pregnancies, particularly, coworker, close, mental, ally, pessimistic, watch, sat, body, chemicals, hormones, illness, dealing, people, afraid, wanting, loaded, possibility, doctors, vigilant, matter, concerns, complications, hugging, breaks, navigate, ppd, struggled, earlier, scarier, temporary, dad, pick, cared, accepting, form, hasn, exactly, top, priority, routine, sheesh, thank, onboarding, rough, disconnected, drop, hat, impatient, therapist, maintenance, feels, focusing, challenging, lists, productive, cross, town, often, especially, laws, cabin, relatives, neighboring, cabins, lake, northern, minnesota, nearly, aunts, uncles, varying, degrees, cousins, under, fishing, tie, dying, smores, ing, talking, laughing, pedicure, wal, mart, memorable, pounds, chunky, thighs, fluffy, butt, items, sizes, edit, computer, rolling, everywhere, eating, solid, foods, adventure, thankful, enjoy, thursday, hello, dates, wow, haven, itching, publish, hosting, introductions, trimester, miscarriages, ended, previous, indication, drove, wondered, feeling, small, gift, cramping, bleeding, suddenly, bathroom, begin, describe, hysterical, foggy, towel, bring, either, spend, threw, change, book, brush, toothbrush, stay, strange, recovering, received, outpouring, pressed, anytime, resources, shared, seen, least, prenatal, coordinator, uncomplicated, appointments, sent, radiology, image, friday, shock, recovery, babyloss, holly, hopped, devoured, joined, bible, study, lovelies, truthfully, happened, forward, eagerly, endured, healthy, ridden, birth, diagnosed, daily, lovenox, injections, poke, bruise, survived, multiple, hills, valleys, might, expect, moments, sharp, takes, breath, flashbacks, occasionally, whole, calms, stronger, clearer, gain, relearn, fully, else, confused, dwell, pointed, overacheiver, griever, sure, fought, feelings, pouring, deeper, anticipated, heavy, makes, ache, escape, focus, climb, ladder, dark, described, brings, intensity, memory, merely, definitely, fair, squarely, fence, treatment, sought, medications, benefited, greatly, periods, reared, its, ugly, please, easy, significant, sources, desperately, whatever, understood, confidence, continue, adage, heals, wounds, holes, healed, years, accept, part, perspective, continues, evolve, intensely, progress, whether, pits, despair, cling, survive, helped, currently, struggles, encourage, wwy, topic, linking,

Text of the page (random words):
pped to kelly s and lori s and so many others i devoured them i joined an amazing online weekly bible study with many of you lovelies which truthfully is the only thing i remember about january through april of 2010 so much healing happened in that time space moving forward i eagerly endured a healthy though anxiety ridden pregnancy and gave birth to anders february 16 2011 after my second miscarriage i was diagnosed with factor v leiden so gave myself daily lovenox injections throughout my pregnancy anders is worth every poke bruise and much much more since then i ve survived post partum depression and multiple hills and valleys today i ve accepted that i will always miss my babies and what might have been it will always hurt some days more some days less loss hurts that s okay but i don t expect my need to talk about my them and my love for them to ever go away i don t want it to so i m here i have moments where the pain is as sharp where it takes my breath away again i still have flashbacks occasionally i ve also learned in a whole new way that nothing calms my mind and heart like prayer that i m stronger than i think that i can be a mom to all my babies but know i ll never have it all figured out i ve learned my mind is clearer when i write i ve learned that i gain strength from this community and i ve learned that i ll forget all of this and need to relearn it another day posted by karin at 10 54 pm 11 kind words email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday august 25 2011 i am good we are good writing here hasn t exactly been at the top of my priority list these last six months but i miss it i thought i d get back in a routine after my last post two months ago sheesh not so much yet thank you for your support after i wrote about my postpartum depression it took a few weeks of therapy and onboarding meds but i m doing so much better it was rough for awhile i felt so disconnected and was back to crying at the drop of a hat i was so anxious i was impatient waiting for the meds to work i saw my therapist weekly for a good while and now i m on a monthly maintenance schedule and it feels good focusing has still been challenging as it doesn t take much for my thoughts to spin but with the help of lists i m productive at work most of the time and yes i add things i ve done to the list just so i can cross them off this summer has been so busy we ve been out of town often seeing family and family can be exhausting especially 13 in laws staying together in one cabin with about 60 other relatives in neighboring cabins we had a wonderful lake week in northern minnesota with nearly all of paul s aunts uncles and varying degrees of cousins from his mom s side i think we had six babies who are one year and under there at one time fishing tie dying reading smores ing sleeping talking laughing that was the week add a pedicure at wal mart and it really was a memorable week anders is so big i can t believe he s already six months old and 20 pounds chunky thighs fluffy cloth diaper butt needs a few more summer items in bigger sizes to see us through the next few weeks i ll edit this post a bit later on the other computer so i can add a few photos he is just so much fun right now last week he started rolling everywhere and eating solid foods i love each new adventure i am so thankful to be in a place where i can enjoy him and all that is happening i am good posted by karin at 4 56 pm 2 kind words email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anders postpartum depression monday june 27 2011 and it s back now in the form of postpartum depression aside from the fact that i have been meaning to update this blog the impetus to write tonight is my diagnosis of postpartum depression a switch flipped last week why last week anders is 19 weeks old in two days we made it past the difficult first two weeks of breastfeeding and no sleep six weeks with a touch of colic returning to work at 10 weeks pumping around the clock for the last four months why now i didn t want to go home i was at work with a pit in my stomach because i didn t want to go home i knew that wasn t normal though i take normal with a grain of salt i looked at my beautiful baby and felt nothing except guilt that i didn t feel anything i knew paul knew and i called my psychiatrist the next morning two months ago i dropped lexapro from my med list i wasn t anxious anymore i didn t need it one month ago i decreased my wellbutrin dose it took two weeks before i felt like i lost my edge at work but that was it i was going to give it a month before calling to schedule an appointment i didn t make it that far last week i wanted little to do with my baby i didn t want to pump anymore i suggested we just take out the disposable diapers instead of doing the cloth laundry this wasn t like me i knew it and i hated it so here i am back in the hole not knowing how to get out standing still while everything spins around me i m sad and angry and frustrated and embarrassed and trying to figure out how to push these aside to love and care for my baby who needs me we caught it early my wellbutrin is back up and i m seeing my pysch weekly until this levels out then biweekly then monthly with my history i ll be on meds for a year and with any future pregnancies babies i ve had good days in the last week but today was particularly bad i don t think i managed to complete anything at work today but i did tell my coworker who is both a very close friend second mother and mental health ally she d been waiting for this not in a pessimistic way but in a watch my back way she s the same friend who sat with us at the er with my first miscarriage when we had no idea what to do or think this isn t me it s my body brain chemicals hormones an illness i didn t do anything wrong it just is so we re dealing with it this much i know though it s hard to feel i don t want to tell people what is going on with me because i m afraid they ll ask why why when i finally have the baby i ve been wanting that s so loaded i don t even want to go there i don t know why i wanted the other babies too yes anders is a good baby i don t know what s wrong and i spin i always knew this was a possibility given my history my doctors have been vigilant and so has paul so have i for that matter but i wanted to be okay to not have to deal with something on my very long list of concerns complications i wanted something to go right anders is right so very right that s what i have to remember i need to take care of myself so i can take care of him i don t want anders to ever wonder where his mom is or why she isn t hugging him that thought breaks my heart so here it is back on this journey i don t know how to navigate ppd it s different than the depression i struggled with earlier it s scarier but this is temporary i m doing what i need to do paul is the best dad and can pick up what i can t give at the moment anders is well cared for and i m doing the best i can at this moment with what i have to give but it s hard accepting that maybe writing it will help posted by karin at 9 34 pm 6 kind words email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels postpartum depression four months of anders in photos the quickest way to catch up share a few of the many photos we have take of this sweet baby my goodness how we love our little boy i can t believe he is already four and a half months old i miss the tiny baby snuggles but the bigger babies snuggles are just as good if not better i hear it just keeps getting better are you ready for some cuteness daddy read if you give a moose a muffin when anders was 1 5 hours old an early family picture red hair anders first hockey game still in the hospital i cried when i packed away this sweet grey outfit it was the first i picked out just for my baby the upside to early bottle feeding daddy gets in on the action milk drunk my friend vicky took these photos of anders when he was nine days old her little girl v was born just two and a half weeks before anders this little outfit has a dinosaur on the shirt and dinosaur feet i m still new to uploading photos i ll figure out how to rotate in the future until then sorry first bath success now we love baths i rather like to dress him like a little old man this particular sweater has elbow patches baptism april 3 anders at six weeks the snow finally melted in mid april so we went for our first walk a typical maternity leave day though mascara didn t start happening until he was about eight weeks old there is likely a diet coke to my right my happy future cobber april 25 my birthday one of my favorite photos eight weeks we love cloth diapers i think i got the best present in my easter basket first mother s day with anders of course one needs a ducky bathrobe happy flag day overwhelmed by developmental milestones sitting grabbing hands to mouth teething trying out the new hiking backpack strong enough for the johnny jump up we went to visit vicky and her babies and have some three month photos taken my current favorite photo of my boy big blue eyes blue diaper hint of red hair posted by karin at 9 06 pm 2 kind words email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anders happy birthday anders i last posted at 37 weeks and i was anxiously counting down the days from the beginning i felt that my baby should come at 38 weeks that given my factor v leiden and history that would be safest but my ob wouldn t schedule an induction before 39 weeks so an induction date was set for february 21 since 32 weeks i had been seeing my ob weekly and had biophysical profiles and nonstress tests performed weekly work just knew that every monday i wouldn t be in until after noon and on thursdays i needed to leave at 2 30 for the day i loved not having to wait more than four days until hearing or seeing the heartbeat again even though baby was rather stubborn up to the very end and would make my nsts last over an hour each time i loved it my only job at that moment was to be there on february 14 38 weeks 1 day i went in for my regular ob appointment and bpp baby didn t pass the bpp sleeping was apparently more important than showing off breathing or moving so after the regular check dilated 1 cm 50 effaced i drank lots of orange juice and hooked up for the nst baby barely passed my ob consulted another ob and determined all was good for that day but i needed to go home rest and repeat on the next day so home i went with the email to work saying i m not in labor yet but tuesday february 15 not only did baby pass the bpp with flying colors the nst showed i was having regular contractions could have told them that every five to seven minutes lasting 30 seconds my ob checked and i was still only 1 cm she said that if i had progressed at all she would have admitted me instead she told me to go home and call her later since she was on call so home i went with the email to work saying i m not in labor yet but i went to the grocery store to by snacks for the hospital and took the long way around i bounced on my yoga ball all afternoon paul and i decided nothing was happening so we went out to dinner at the mall and then walked down to baby gap to admire cute little clothes i debated about doing my heparin injection but had pretty much decided nothing was going to be happening so i did it at 8 30pm so my water broke at 11 15pm lying in bed reading i didn t even get to fall asleep so for an hour i monitored the fluid and contractions i mean i didn t think i wet my pants but well yeah contractions were four six minutes and the fluid kept running clear i woke paul up with the cliched i think it s time actually i just said my water broke he grew alert rather quickly we called the hospital explained my water broke and that i tested positive group b strep and predictably they said to come in so off we went but not before taking a couple pictures february 16 started and we were wide awake being admitted was rather boring check dilated to 1 5 80 effaced 2 station but tests confirmed my water had broken so they started the antibiotics i reminded the nurses like clockwork that i needed my new bag hung every four hours after having our niece die of a gbs infection i wasn t protesting one bit l d was very busy so they pretty much just filled the tub for me and left us alone most of the night the plan was to start pitocin at 6 am well the pit started at 9 am instead because again they were busy when 7am rolled around i got my very own nurse whom we loved so nice contractions were uncomfortable but not unmanageable and i had progressed to 2 5 i spent more time in the tub paul left to get himself some lunch around noon or so the contractions were getting to me so we tried nubain love nubain i m a happy drunk so i was mostly pleasant i was having such bad back labor that each time a contraction hit all i could say was back and paul would start the counter pressure while i helpfully told him that s not where it hurt but i was able to rest between until the nurse decided we needed to go to internal monitoring the monitors weren t staying on well enough and they couldn t get a good read on my contractions which was important because of the pit and then they decided to also place the scalp electrode on baby s head i just chose not to think about that one too much at the time they were placing these i was completely unmedicated they had to place the scalp one not once or twice but three times at one point two were connected throughout the course of the day i went through five iupcs to monitor contractions not so pleasant they actually had to call in the swat team at one point because three different nurses couldn t get it placed correctly fun for me pitocin i was ready it was going to be awhile i love the anesthesiologist here i am after that wonderful relief happily reading some martha stewart living that was 3pm 14 hours after my water broke hours naps and lemon italian ices later i hadn t progressed past 5 5 maybe so around 8 pm my night nurse and student love them came in looking very sheepish she wanted to check me because the doctor was on the phone and thinking c section as i was nearing 24 hours since my water broke okay no big deal really at various times throughout pregnancy paul and i said that if there were medical reason to schedule a c section we would it wasn t a scary option to us it was a controlled environment and with the stresses of this pregnancy control would be welcome so they started prepping me it wasn t an emergency baby had been doing so very well all day but the head was molding at my cervix which made them wonder if the baby would even fit so quite relaxed we got ready the anesthesiologist for surgery was the one i had for my d c i remembered her by her funky earrings full circle she was just as wonderful this time so kind it seemed like forever while they moved me to the or a...