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Text of the page (random words):
astepclosertoperfection the life and times of me astepclosertoperfection the life and times of me february 12 2019 by astepclosertoperfection welcome the struggles that sharpen your senses being a female in the mili tary is hanging up the phone then pausing to reflect on what was just said to you by a professional colleague one who outranks you i would love to whisper bad things in your ear right now made perfect sense swearing at me when i didn t get him the information he wanted my reply of well that s not very nice sir i did my best made sense to me when i didn t realize the context of his sentence he ended the thought with oh not in a mean way and that s when i got it okay um well have a great day sir good luck getting that info i hastily hung up as he said okay now sg what was he thinking why would anyone at any time decide that that is an appropriate way to speak to a subordinate or to anyone he doesn t even work in my section we barely have a working relationship definitely not a friendly one where we tease and jab most of all why is this still shocking why does it take me so much time still to understand when yet another male is being disgusting towards me why do i still give most everyone the benefit of the doubt especially when they re in a leadership position i see the stats on sexual assault and misconduct in the military hell i am part of those statistics so w hy do i ever still trust in basic human decency why am i second guessing my words looking back at what is on this page could it be misconstrued as me flirting with him if i say a word to anyone well that s not very nice sir who speaks like this if they re not trying to be flirty me i do it wouldn t be nice for him to swear at me when i got him all of the information i could but was stopped short by my improper security clearance i would rather he swore at me instead of speaking to me like i was some sort of thing a little plaything to be toyed with speak however you want to them they re just dolls no voices to speak up limbs frozen in fear don t worry you re safe because there s nothing we can do the us military has a really wonderful sexual misconduct unit that is all about helping people who are in the situation i am in at this very moment i spoke with them about a year after an assault when he showed up at my new base put a file on that one please and keep him the hell away from me not much they can do to keep him away without a public file but at least it s there for me to publish at any point in time filed a year after because i could no longer forget he existed when i walked into a room and he was sat there waiting not waiting for me waiting for his chance to pee in a cup but still waiting back to those wonderful personnel who are always here to help they ll never blame you tell you you re crazy tell you it s not a big deal they give you forms to fill out help you write down the facts even when you re crying so hard you can t remember your social security number and mix it up with your cell phone number they re just there for you the victim but that s the thing i went i cried i filled out paperwork and gave them his name rank and unit they set me up with counseling where i went two whole times to speak to a counselor who only wanted me to see how this is all part of god s plan and let me know that i could contac t them directly if i wanted to if i didn t feel safe if i needed to talk if i needed a friend i do feel safe i do have friends i don t need to talk not to them i need to speak to people who i already know and love people who won t treat me like a victim i don t want to be a victim so why write all of this down if i don t want to be seen as someone who was duped the man on the phone today even told me you seem too gullible to be from new york was that his in i don t want to feel helpless and passive in the face of those who wronged me i am not voiceless and my limbs are not frozen in terror i am not a victim in those ways i am a victim in the simplest way i was wronged i have been wronged many many times in my life and mostly by fellow military members is it this bad for my civilian counterparts it may be it may be worse i don t know because i don t have their experiences i only have mine i don t know how to end this little rant we ll call it a rant lin manual miranda said in one of his good morning tweets recently welcome the struggles that sharpen your senses my senses are sharpened never again will i hang up in shock posted in uncategorized 5 comments march 12 2018 by astepclosertoperfection aunt colleen another one bites the dust posted in uncategorized leave a comment january 8 2018 by astepclosertoperfection any 2018 resolutions i started a bullet journal spent 3 days or so creating pages where i can put my thoughts moods and habits i think i ve touched in twice in the 8 days since the new year how fun maybe one of my resolutions should be to do that daily also not to wreck this computer any more than i have the enter and screen brightening buttons no longer works okay 1 no spilling booze or anything but honestly the problem is booze on my laptop 2 hmm maybe this one should be to stop drinking so much booze a friend reached out a few months ago genuinely concerned about my intake i laughed her off because korea is a party i m not in korea anymore but england is continuing that party maybe molly should check out aa i m not an alcoholic i went a month without drinking not long ago because i knew it would be good for me it was not difficult i just have trouble having only one or two when i do drink you know what about 3 care less about what people think and more about what i think work wise i know i do a good fucking job if my bosses don t see it there s not much i can do i refuse to kiss their asses hopefully they won t want me to here 4 hygge 5 fucking date somebody this year at least go on one date maybe even two dates i don t care if i get married but i d like to find someone to spend time with you know i d like to date i hate relationships because they cause bullshit and drama and it means that i have to answer to another human being but i like relationships because of closeness and there s always someone there for you my best friend thinks i should date my roommate i don t think i m interested in my roommate he s great but he s a fixer upper i don t want a fixer upper okay using the space bar to add line breaks is too slow what are your 2018 resolutions posted in uncategorized leave a comment october 8 2017 by astepclosertoperfection five foot two my friend kylie died a couple years ago very suddenly cancer she was out of country felt ill and went to the doctor they airlifted her back to nyc and she died a couple days later no one knew what was going on i recently watch gaga s documentary five foot two and she just reminds me so much of kylie so giving so loving so concerned about everyone else also their looks and the way they speak it s really uncanny and makes me miss her so much more i hope there s a heaven so that kylie is in it i hope there s not so i don t go to hell death is so complicated what do you believe posted in uncategorized 4 comments june 20 2017 by astepclosertoperfection also i just found some draft posts on here one from 3 years ago when i went through some really rough shit i m glad i wrote it down but i may never post it it is 15 paragraphs that sum of 4 5 weeks of my life 4 5 weeks of horrible pain and anxiety i got through it obviously and one of the last things in the post is about how i texted my best friend and said we did it she wrote me back i always believed in you i don t remember those texts but she is still my best friend and has been for over 20 years i am so grateful for her when i feel physically lonely for friends at least i have her not everyone has someone like her who they can call even from the other side of the world posted in uncategorized leave a comment june 20 2017 by astepclosertoperfection child free many moons ago okay like 5 1 2 years i realised for a fact that it is okay not to want children i realised that i am not broken or defective or deficient no matter how many people look at me and say how are children a choice you have to procreate it is your duty as a healthy person with decent genes it s my choice and it is so freeing and it is so lonely at 25 most of my long time friends have children having children doesn t mean that i can t be friends with them but it means that our lives are significantly different in the last few years i have gone to visit friends offered to pay for babysitters and our night out and have been told no they need to be with the baby it s too much too soon they get home from work at 1700 and go to bed at 1900 i take their car and go find somewhere to do something besides sit alone and watch television while on vacation this isn t just two or three friends who i am talking about this is almost all of my old friends with kids it s not their fault their kids come first and i understand that fully and completely what i don t get is not having even a couple hours for me last thanksgiving i was supposed to go to germany to visit a very very good friend of mine her husband no longer thinks i am a good influence for her since i let my child free ways be known he told her to tell me not to come even though that is the closest i had been to seeing her in over a year even though i had other places to stay and people to see he told her to tell me that she couldn t spare two hours to catch up during a four day weekend i met this girl in korea catie we were great friends for the five months we overlapped but she s gone now catie is also child free and related to me in a way that so many of my friends don t when children aren t your future you are different than the people around you you stress about different things need different things treasure different ideals catie moved to europe a couple weeks ago and hopefully i ll see her next year but now i struggle for friendship moms have moms who do i have the people i grew up with sure so many of them are moms now i was speaking to one who i ve known for 13 years at least and she was saying how all of her friends only see her as the mom she is one of the few mom friends who i have who cares about me still instead of just my ovaries and lack of wanting to use them she gets wanting a life outside of children i need friends in my vicinity who are like her even if they have kids they see me they value me it is hard to find those friends posted in uncategorized 4 comments june 12 2017 by astepclosertoperfection what the fuck i feel like every time i get on here it s because someone died or is dying this time it s my aunt colleen last time i was home she had her leg amputated shortly after i left her shit s getting worse and she wants to fight good on her and guess what my mom is her nurse my fucking mother just told me that she thinks it s time for aunt colleen to die i get it they believe in heaven and an end to suffering they believe that it s better not to struggle here on earth for too long but how can you tell someone to stop fighting what could possess a person to do something like that to say it and mean it maybe if my parents ever get to that stage i ll understand i hope not i hope they are never suffering enough that i say to them you need to stop living i can see myself feeling that way about me someday but how do you get there with another person i m angry i m sad and i m angry and i don t know what to do i can t go see aunt colleen before january i don t want to visit her grave she was not that sick last time i was home it all happened after i hate being away i don t want to be away for the big things but i just re upped for 5 more years why did i do this i was gone with bapzi died when my uncle died when thom died i miss out on last moments with all of these amazing people because what i want a steady pay check what s wrong with me isn t life more important posted in uncategorized 3 comments november 12 2016 by astepclosertoperfection i love my ceiling in five short months i will be looking at a different ceiling i chose this house partially for the slanted hardwood ceilings so beautiful i m going to miss them posted in uncategorized leave a comment november 12 2016 by astepclosertoperfection i m completely in love with my gay best friend is this a soap opera yet posted in uncategorized 3 comments september 27 2016 by astepclosertoperfection in another world obviously i m not in a different universe and i m not an astronaut who found an amazing new planet and dubbed it earth 2 0 it would be called pistachio i ve been in italy almost two years and i leave in a few months being here is like being in a different world sometimes as much as i love it here everything is so very different from home and so different from korea as well it s weird to think that all of these places that i have lived exist on one planet and that there are so many more different places still dad and mom will be here next week i need to clean i cannot wait to show them my world right before i leave it i think it will be cathartic to take them through all of my favourite places many of which i will probably see for the last time i want to take them to cellini and that mediterranean restaurant in brugnera with the cous cous i want to show them my 4 mile walking loop that goes by rivers and through sheep shit as well as corn fields i cannot wait to show them florence my beautiful favourite city and nearer home than florence i want to introduce them to my butcher my bartender there s only one bar in my town my grocers my baker my little town has everything i need to survive and if i didn t need to leave it for work i probably never would fuck the mall in pordenone sushi in sacile who needs it i m in italy and fenix cafè has pasta like you wouldn t believe it will be good to go back to korea but i wish i was staying here a bit longer friday is my promotion to the next rank i ve been waiting for this for a long time wish me luck posted in uncategorized 5 comments post navigation older posts search for archives february 2019 march 2018 january 2018 october 2017 june 2017 november 2016 september 2016 august 2016 july 2016 june 2016 august 2015 march 2015 february 2015 january 2015 december 2014 november 2014 october 2014 september 2014 august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 october 2013 july 2013 june 2013 meta create account log in blog at wordpress com astepclosertoperfection blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed astepclosertoperfection join 119 other subscribers sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy astepclosertoperfection subscribe subscribed sign up log in report this content view site in reader manage subscriptions collapse this bar loading comments you must be logged in to post a comment design a site like this with wordpress 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