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deo broadcasted on espn this past winter one of several which included clips from my video blog that s me on the couch on the bike in the pool i just watched it twice and burst into tears both times it occurred to me that i haven t shared it on this blog that i ve all but abandoned this blog and my video diary too there are reasons for this which go beyond shifting priorities and busy schedules as much as i d like to think otherwise i won t try to explain it all now but i will say that the reality of cancer is not as hollywood as it appears in the media it s not all drama triumph and tragedy not simply a battle you either win or lose for many of us it s more like a rocky road that leaves you battered and scarred and permanently altered in ways that are difficult to describe or to believe aren t your own fault because you re not thinking positive not trying hard enough and then you keep stumbling over more rocks to say the least it can get hard to keep putting attention on it let alone drawing attention to it editing video and writing about it in a public way i would like to leave cancer behind but it s not that simple don t get me wrong my life is good i m basically healthy there s laughter and love deepening friendships and new friendships challenge and excitement but there s also the specter of death the feeling of living a slightly diminished life thanks to daily pills that oh so subtly suppress my life force while hopefully also suppressing recurrence of disease it s a difficult trade but a necessary one on the other hand we all have challenges in the famous speech that launched the foundation in his name and the espn video series that prompted this post jimmy valvano said don t give up don t ever give up of course not my road may be rocky but i still hope it s long posted by amy at 3 47 pm 18 comments labels cancer health inspiration tamoxifen vlog saturday april 04 2015 spring cleaning the last of my out dated footage from last summer more of my videos here i love spring cleaning there is nothing more hopeful than clearing the decks sweeping out the clutter knocking items off the to do list jim and i have a weekly practice now we made a list of all the things we ve been intending to take care of repairs around the house financial reckonings projects of all stripes every monday evening we sit together and look at the list we add and subtract then pick a few of the most pressing items to tackle in the coming week addressing the hows and whens and who does whats this weekend we ll deep clean one room in the house together we ll order wood for next winter we ll wash and trim our dog s overgrown fur i m becoming increasingly judicious about new projects for instance i m resisting the urge to replace the oft used staple foods in our pantry opting instead to make creative use of all those items i continually push to the back of the shelf ultimately the goal is to get to a point where there is no backlog where there s room to take on new bigger more interesting and important challenges without the energy drain of worry over all the fraying loose ends in the background i m also thinking a lot about the world outside my little bubble like climate change and how we privileged few humans are running roughshod over the earth its creatures and more vulnerable people all the exploitation of land and people that support our american way of life i want to be done feeling bad about myself because i feel so powerless to affect change and so as i work i am also educating myself thinking about how to engage politically something i ve avoided until now life is an adventure and it s short will you join me in getting your chores done so that we can take on the bigger challenges together here s a great talk by naomi klein that has gotten me going on this path if you watch it i d love to know what you think posted by amy at 10 22 am 4 comments labels food health inspiration thursday october 23 2014 onward ho this is the second to most recent video read below for a link to the most recent more of my videos here thanks for your encouraging comments on my last post as i undertook this new venture teaching at a new college it is going well though still taking up a lot of space in my mind as i plan for each day of teaching i was offered two more classes for the spring semester and decided rather than implode from all the work or do the work shoddily or abandon my studio clients and writing projects entirely i would decline one of the two it feels like the right choice but then again i think i would feel a certain amount of regret whatever i decided for those of you following along on facebook i should tell you my dear millie is recovering nicely from the bite wounds she sustained a couple of weeks ago it was a devastating event for all of us but thankfully time heals all wounds and traumas at least if you re gentle with yourself along the way here s a photo from today of millie dressed for success and by success here i mean utilizing a cotton barrier to prevent her from licking the stitches right out of the wounds and here s the promised link to my latest video spoiler alert the footage is not all that recent but it is freshly edited hot off of the final cut pro press this afternoon posted by amy at 5 51 pm 1 comments labels doggie love food vlog sunday june 08 2014 fake boobs lipstick and stretching myself i m about to work on the next video and realized i haven t shared with you this last one inching toward present time more of my videos here things are happening gifts for my spark letter subscribers more on this coming soon at lifecraft my art design blog between the books i m writing graphic design work for clients the garden the dog and my over the top need to spend long hours on a bicycle jim and i rode 114 miles together yesterday 7 5 hours in the saddle plus i went out for another 35 this morning i m busy to say the least i also started my spark letter newsletter the first issue of which was far more enthusiastically received than i dared imagine which makes me eager to write the next one which is awesome i m inspired to inspire what could be better perhaps the biggest news is that i have a new job in the fall teaching graphic design at a nearby university i m sure my feelings will change once i get into preparing my syllabus i plan to start this week but at the moment i ll admit it i m scared what if my students hate me what if i m dreadfully boring and can t get them to engage what if i say something mean by mistake it s not that i haven t taught before and done just fine but in the past i wasn t scared like this then again i want to connect with and inspire and serve my students in a way i haven t before it s going to be a stretch i m convinced this is a good kind of scared jumping off the high dive kind of scared expanding the parameters of who i am kind of scared i m also planning to wear my prosthetic when i teach this was a difficult decision still subject to change it s coming up on four years since my mastectomy i didn t even consider reconstructive surgery though the surgeon who did my mastectomy worried i d regret the decision and made me promise to at least talk to the plastic surgeon i never got around to it in all this time i haven t felt the slightest regret i ve worn my prosthetic breast in public for exactly one hour i like being my authentic self in the world i ve never been the can t leave the house without lipstick kind of girl in fact i ve never been able to leave the house with lipstick i feel increasingly ridiculous in makeup haven t worn any in years i rarely shave i feel so privileged to see how to the people who know and care about me my hairy legs and lopsided chest matter not in the least and i m constantly surprised and touched by strangers who are not repelled by my body i wish all women had the opportunity to see that their true selves are just fine we re all so tortured by the beautification industry exploiting and aggravating our insecurities to the point that we re convinced we re intolerably unattractive if we re ashamed of our bodies no wonder we struggle to show our minds don t get me wrong i m not immune to this conditioning i notice people s reactions to my asymmetry i m vigilant around strangers i hate when i m caught off guard talking to someone who is unable to pay attention to my words they re so busy frowning in confusion as they stare at my chest trying to comprehend the enigma of my torso come to think of it this feels less bad than when i d catch someone staring at my chest back in the day when i had two breasts it s just that this new kind of staring happens more often i don t want to deal with that while i m standing in front of a classroom i don t want to distract my students from the work at hand i don t want to distract myself wondering if my body is a distraction it s probably no big deal either way but i m ready to try a change of pace just don t expect me to put on lipstick posted by amy at 6 08 pm 8 comments labels books doggie love exercise inspiration mastectomy vlog wednesday may 14 2014 giving it away still catching up but this is the most recent one more of my videos here i did it i ve been postponing writing the first edition of the spark letter newsletter for i don t know let s just say a very long time and i m so excited that i finally broke through my resistance that i ve included an offer of a free token of appreciation for my first at bat subscribers an actual care package to arrive on your doorsteps or whatever doorsteps or po boxes you direct me to which will include a sample pack of my inspirational art postcards plus a one of a kind hand made thank you card for each person me my niece and nephew and a tiger we are fearless why am i teasing you with this information because it s not too late i haven t actually mailed the newsletter out yet sign up on this page the link is at the top right maybe some day my list will be so big i won t be able to offer such a personalized prize but for now the offer stands or maybe i ll keep it up maybe the next issue will include bigger gifts maybe someday i ll be oprah and santa claus combined handing out cars and televisions and iphones okay to be fair it s not my goal to buy your love and loyalty and we don t really need more stuff do we i m just a kid with a bouquet of wilting dandelions but what could be more precious i m offering my heart and the more i give away the richer i feel and the more inspired i am to make something new wow i just had a vision of a weekly routine that includes a couple of hours writing and making thank you notes how awesome would that be to have so much to be thankful for it doesn t seem so far fetched come to think of it there s always more dandelions posted by amy at 2 10 pm 2 comments labels inspiration tamoxifen vlog tuesday may 06 2014 on juggling more of my videos here fear not i m alive and healthy i forget that people worry about that i forget that i m important to people i visited a doctor recently who is also a friend she burst into tears when i explained i d come in because i was due for a check up rather than because the cancer was back and i needed her help gearing up for more hard core treatment i was surprised and humbled by her emotion and i suppose also flattered so i mean it sincerely when i say i m sorry for my lack of communication i ve been neglectful of this blog and of my video making practice it isn t because i don t love you i do or because i ve lost interest i haven t i just got to the point where i was juggling way too many balls and the circus act had lost its charm this video is terribly out of date but i hope you enjoy it just the same there s one more beyond this one and then a little raw footage i still plan to process after that a clean slate well not exactly clean i m in the finishing touches stage with a book length memoir about the year i spent homeless traveling the country living in my van and the second draft phase of yet another memoir about infertility and abortion and everything that prompted this blog in the first place i m planning a third book too a memoir of living happily ever after cancer and a cookbook stay tuned for more on that in the meantime it s almost time to begin shopping for a book agent oh and also i started writing for reimagine magazine two articles so far salad recipes two more soon to come find those here please subscribe to spark letter top right of this page if you want more of me i promise i won t inundate you with spam in fact i ll let you in on a secret i m yet to send a single message but i m gearing up for the first installment of a short fun inspiring monthly email treat perhaps i will shower my ground floor subscribers with gifts no kidding let me know what you want besides all that i invite you to follow me on facebook if you don t already because even when deadlines loom and blogging falls to the wayside i still find time to share adorable and hilarious photos of my dog and inspirational aspirational pictures of my lunch and other random snippets of life i hope you are well i hope that if you re juggling too many balls like i was that you put some down apologize if you must but do whatever is necessary to place yourself firmly in the center of your own life despite what you learned when you were two you have the right to the word no you are allowed to change your mind juggling is not required posted by amy at 9 23 pm 6 comments labels cancer doggie love inspiration vlog older posts home subscribe to posts atom d innerhtml code container insertbefore d footer return true shr4p blogger_adddiv shr_classic studio gift shop salad diaries all my videos life craft facebook twiiter this blog in your inbox enter your email address delivered by feedburner blog archive 2019 1 may 1 abortion rights 2016 1 april 1 2015 1 april 1 2014 6 october 1 june 1 may 2 january 2 2013 16 september 1 august 2 july 1 june 1 may 1 april 2 march 2 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