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l you could go to for maternity services had changed i choose uclh as soon as i was pregnant i started on the heparin and aspirin and booked in to see a consultant as soon as possible i felt very well looked after as well as my consultant obstetrician i was referred on to a consultant haematologist to monitor the aps consultant endocrinologist for the thyroid issues and i had a mental health assessment as i was by now on anti depressants i had early scans multiple midwife appointments blood tests and everything was fine the 12 week scan was magical and we couldn t wait to meet our baby i was in the hospital almost every week for one appointment or other at 16 weeks at a routine appointment with my obstetrician all looked good bloods were ok meds were good levels at the very end of my appointment my doctor asked if i d like to have a listen to baby s heart using a doppler she couldn t find one but wasn t overly concerned she admitted that it was a bit early but to give me peace of mind she could send me round to have a quick scan knowing that i d already been away from the office for longer than i d hoped i almost declined but i was eager to see my baby again so said yes please i was on my own ben was at his house in essex preparing to fly to bahrain the following day i waited for ages and almost gave up but just as i was about to leave my name was called i knew by now that the first thing they show you when you have a scan is the heartbeat so when the sonographer was silent and there were lots of clicks on his control panel i knew there was a problem even then i didn t think it would be the devastating news that again my baby had died my step dad was the ceo of the royal college of obstetrics and gynaecology at the time which is just around the corner from the hospital he was physically the closest member of my family to me so he was the first person i called he was there immediately i don t know whether his presence made a difference to the care i received but i d like to think that everyone who has to go through the heartache of losing a baby is treated the same as i was my obstetrician who d sent me round for the scan was called out of clinic and came straight away she talked me through my options and told me that i could be admitted for an erpc the following morning or i could be induced and give birth to my baby this is the only decision i have ever regretted in the heat of the moment i chose the erpc to this day i regret that i didn t get to meet my baby or hold him my only criticism of the process that day is that i didn t feel i had time to think about the decision or feel like i could change my mind a bereavement midwife took my step dad and i to a family room where she sat with us and talked me through what would happen next as we walked to a pre op assessment i went to take the baby on board badge off my coat the midwife stopped me and said it s still true that small act meant so so much to me it was a world away from the experience i had with my first miscarriage that night i sat on facebook with mel talking about what i should do the following morning what questions i should ask blankets for my baby and many other things it all felt like such a rush the following day we got to the hospital very early we were in the system i was on a list with other women having erpcs out of choice i sat in the waiting room and felt like screaming that i didn t want to be there that i wanted my baby and that i didn t have a choice sat in the office with the registrar we waited for the surgeon to come in his air and attitude when he walked in was that of someone who wasn t judging me but wasn t condoning the act of me choosing to get rid of my baby he picked up my file and started reading i saw him physically crumple he looked up gently and asked but everything was ok at the 12 week scan when i nodded he just said i m so sorry after he had left i asked the registrar who was doing all the paperwork with me if i could please know the sex of my baby he seems shocked by this request his shock confused me so much that i didn t feel comfortable asking about a blanket for my baby or what would happen to their remains i broke down completely when the nurse who had walked us to the ward told ben he wasn t allowed to come any further i sat in the waiting room with 10 other women i was sobbing the nurse didn t understand she said don t be scared it s a simple everyday surgery she didn t understand or just didn t know that i wasn t sobbing because i was scared if only they had a way to tell the professionals that this patient has suffered a loss i ve never come to terms with the fact that to this day i don t know where my baby s remains ended up after the registrar s reaction to my request to know the sex of my baby i didn t feel confident to ask anything else i felt that maybe i was strange wanting to know what would happen to my baby although had i laboured and given birth it would have been a different experience completely i would have been able to choose a resting place for my baby i would have been able to wrap a tiny blanket around them above and beyond her role by obstetrician called me to tell me the results of the post mortem and to tell me that my baby had been a boy i felt so terribly sad that i didn t know where he was panicked almost knowing the sex made him even more real and the loss felt even more devastating ben and i weren t sure whether we should name him but i m so glad that we did henry is part of our lives every day 3 months after we lost henry i fell pregnant with charlie it wasn t a straightforward pregnancy i had high blood pressure gestational diabetes the list goes on i had the same obstetrician she d offered to refer me to a colleague if i felt more comfortable with it but i wanted to stay with her she knew my history but more importantly i felt that she truly cared about me and the health of my unborn child at 37 weeks charlie like his sister rushed into this world we made it to the delivery suite this time but only just he is now 4 and a half it s difficult sometimes watching him growing up wondering if his brother would have been like him or not charlie started school last september the absolute youngest he could be in fact had he gone to term he wouldn t be starting until later this year i got really emotional in the days leading up to him starting not just because he felt too little to be starting school but also because henry would also have been starting school too it s bittersweet because of course had we not lost henry we wouldn t have charlie in our lives in 2016 we made the life changing decision to move to cornwall we love life down here in 2017 whilst ben was away working i realised that i d missed a period i took a test and was pleasantly surprised to discover i was pregnant again we weren t trying we d kind of decided that we weren t going to have any more children it was ben s birthday and i sent him the test in a bracelet gift box to the theatre he was working at with the instructions to facetime me when he was going to open it although he was initially disappointed not to find an apple watch in the box he was eventually happy with the news it was my hardest pregnancy i had a small bleed at 9 weeks but were reassured by a private scan in exeter i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 10 weeks had high blood pressure i was looking after lili and charlie but the pregnancy progressed well at 36 weeks i had a bad hypo my blood sugars dropped dangerously low no matter how many glucose tablets i ate i couldn t get them to stay above the safe line by mid morning i was also concerned that my baby s movements had reduced the midwives at exeter said they wanted to see me but knew it was a long way for me to travel so it was my decision ben and i decided to go to the hospital we were in the middle of march 2018 and of course that day had to be the day where snow closed the a30 at one point it looked like we might have to stay in the car overnight but ben took advantage of a passing snow plough and nipped in behind it it still took us 2 and a half hours to do a journey that should have taken 45 minutes once at the hospital i was hooked up to a monitor and of course baby started moving i also managed to get my blood sugars to stabilise the consultant came to talk to us and said that she was happy baby was fine but she also took on board the fact that i said baby had reduced her movements and said that if we wanted they could induce me i wasn t ready for her to arrive so we asked if we could think about it overnight they kept me in hospital to monitor me and baby we decided to go with the induction the following day it just felt better to be safe and if the doctors were happy that she wouldn t have to go to nicu then we trusted them 24 hours later there was no sign of labour ben joked he couldn t do another night of no sleep on a chair next to my bed and to go have a word with myself in the shower i came out of the shower at 4 20pm daisy jayne arrived at 5 06pm after what was a really rather fast and surprising labour the midwife almost didn t catch her as she arrived she is a joy the happiest most chilled baby ever she had her first birthday last wednesday i still battle with the regret of not having held henry every single day having charlie to watch grow up makes me wonder what henry would have been like had he lived in 2016 i did a skydive in his memory to raise money for towards tomorrow together as we floated under the canopy i spotted a circular rainbow i pointed to it and told my instructor that it was a sign from henry he manoeuvred us to fly through the centre of the rainbow after that day the regret was less i feel more at peace than i did like flying through the rainbow in the clouds was my way of holding my angel leave a comment filed under uncategorized november 7 2013 11 30 am v day today would have been v day the day from which the chances of survival should you give birth are 50 and rising ben and i have got back in to a routine since the miscarriage we re back at work we laugh with my daughter our minds are no longer completely consumed with thoughts of our baby and our hearts are no longer completely consumed with grief and yet we both struggle to come to terms with the fact that i won t be giving birth in march i cry almost every day for the baby we lost sometimes a silent tear on the train when i see something that triggers a thought sometimes sobs that rock my body as i have a moment of realisation that our baby isn t coming the grief has become less obvious to everyone even me but it is still there silently breaking my heart over and over again the one thing that saddens me the most is that we don t know nor did we chose the final resting place of our baby we had the post mortem results a couple of weeks ago there is seemingly no reason that our baby died it was just one of those things it is good news that there wasn t anything wrong it means the likelihood of it happening again is less it doesn t make it any easier to come to terms with though if there were a reason it would be easier to understand why we ll never get to hold our baby our baby was a boy my arms ache to hold him i long to see his face and to feel his sweet breath on my cheek we named him henry henry harrison chu leave a comment filed under uncategorized tagged as miscarriage my story november 7 2013 9 43 am stillbirth mother mel scott tells of the heartache she suffered as she kissed her stillborn baby boy goodbye mirror online i ve never met mel but we ve talked via facebook often she is a truly inspiring woman and helped me so much with my recent loss here is an article about her story mel scott treasures the video footage of her baby son s first bath rinsing the suds from his skin she talks tenderly to him marvelling at his tiny fingers and toes and perfect button nose before wrapping him in a soft towel it s only when you look closely that you realise baby finley never makes a sound or even opens his eyes and apart from mel s loving murmurs the room is quiet sadly finley died just before being born read the whole article here stillbirth mother mel scott tells of the heartache she suffered as she kissed her stillborn baby boy goodbye mirror online leave a comment filed under uncategorized september 11 2013 3 48 pm a silent miscarriage today i m 15 weeks pregnant except i m not as of 9am this morning my womb is empty and my baby gone i am no stranger to the heartache of miscarriage but i really thought things were going to be ok this time this is my first second trimester loss and it is utterly devastating on monday 2 days ago i went in to the hospital for a routine appointment i am classed as high risk due to my antiphospholipid syndrome and my thyroid disorder at 15 weeks it s a little early to hear the baby on the doppler but the consultant said she d try anyway she couldn t find a heartbeat but told me it didn t mean anything necessarily diligently to reassure me and bearing in mind my history she offered to send me round for a quick scan so that i could see the heartbeat before i went home 2 weeks ago i had the nuchal translucency scan it was my 3rd scan as they were monitoring me closely baby was so active and wriggly the sonographer tutted a lot as the baby wouldn t cooperate and was moving so much that they couldn t get an accurate measurement to assess my risk of downs eventually after 2 hours quite a bit of sugar and a lot of jiggling about they got the measurement we needed and i was classed low risk for downs and trisomy 13 18 i wasn t nervous or worried as i waited for the bonus scan on monday i know how unreliable dopplers can be having panicked myself during my last pregnancy with a home doppler as i went in to the ultrasound room with the registrar all i was worried about was getting back to work as soon as possible i knew something wasn t quite right as he didn t show me the heart straight away it s standard practice that they look for it first and show you as soon as possible after a few minutes he went to fetch his colleague my heart started to race the consultant looked at the ultrasound as the registrar re scanned me all the while he asked me questions about my previous losses after 5 minutes he turned to me and said i m sorry we can t find a heart beat i crumpled the news was so devastating in a blur i phoned my partner and my family and the consultant talked me through my options i was just on the cusp of being able to opt for surgery or i could take some tablets and miscarry the baby naturally with the baby measuring 9cm i didn t think i could cope with essentially giving birth and seeing my tiny tiny baby i opted for surgery which was booked for a few days later today they call it a silent miscarriage my body didn t tell me that anything was wrong my baby died and i didn t know its hard not to wonder what i could have done differently it s hard not to feel like my body failed...