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2000 s and i was barely 20 give me a break and told him how i felt he wrote me back and said among other things that while i was an amazing woman he valued our friendship so much he knew he d screw up a relationship he sign it ready for this seriously are you ready with love only a friend can have mr m a whole year later we are talking about marriage he puts up with a lot of my shit and trust me there has been a lot this whole if business has been really hard on both of us and we ve taken these 3 years to really get to know each other we can do our own things and still be together we are learning and changing because of each other and our marriage he s helped me face a lot of my demons and i ve done the same for him i know this is way out of character for me this girly bullshit but stay with me he is an amazing guy and last summer we spent the summer apart after all i was in georgia working and he was in michigan however my summer went so fast and before i knew it three months were over this year i ve done the grown up thing and found a steady year round job and i saw him off on his summer long working adventure i miss him i do don t get me wrong there are def things i don t miss about him at all i can come and go where and when i want i can choose whatever i want for dinner watch what i want for movies tv and if i want to hog the pillows or the fan i can however i dealt with the passing of what should have been my due date alone i helped my friend bring her little boy into the world and came home and cried alone i climb into an empty bed and no one is happy to see me when i come home i leave the tv or the movies on in the background just to hear the sound of another persons voice i miss the sound of his voice the feel of his touch and having someone to vent about my day with he s coming home next week and we re facing the wtf do we do now choices now it s going to be a rough road but i m looking forward to facing it together to leave you a few of my favorite pictures of mr m us may 2009 finally on our honeymoon disneyland walking around downtown taking wedding pictures may 2009 big sur being the good husband friend photography assistant shooting one of my best friends weddings september 2008 i convinced him to put on a biore strip then i convinced him to let me take a picture giggles show and tell is sponsored by mel stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters justboo 3 31 am filed under uncategorized 7 comments august 19 2009 so much for hopping on that train i called the re back and checked to see what our plan was plans they are a funny thing i plan on going back to europe i plan on losing weight i plan on staying on top of the housework i plan on getting pregnant i asked the nurse about the second sa she tells me we can do the second semen giggle analysis when you come in for the iui knock out two birds with one stone whoa whoa whoa back the stoned bird train up we talked about iui we talked about ivf however those were like way in the future like years in the future it wasn t even a plan yet it was a plan let that plan let was so far in the future so immature a plan that it was on the dusty shelf with the dern my socks plan does anyone even do that anymore do i have the right word is anyone listening i stopped her in her catheter shoving cervix dilating beer bong of sperm tracks i told her i wasn t comfortable jumping that far ahead first after all i played dr m medicine women last fall mixing up my own concoction of herbs teas vitamins and timed sexing and ended up pregnant i did it once i can do it again surely with the help of our little pill 5 simple little pills what s that you say simple my life ha i asked her about what all was involved in the clomid cycle reminded her that i have no infertility coverage here is the following convo she said well we will only have you come in for a baseline u s is any of that covered by my insurance unfortunately no once we give you drugs we have to code it as infertility um ok there s no part of it covered no so how much are we talking 250 for the baseline u s wow ok how many times will i have to come in to be checked throughout the cycle he doesn t want to monitor you i suddenly have flashes of the day i jokingly had my palm read at a fair the lady said i d have 13 kids i laughed and called her a kook shudder so the baseline u s then the prescription and then nothing yeah hmmm ok dr coldfingers doesn t routinely monitor during a cycle with only clomid as most of our patients pay out of pocket and it s not usually necessary ok so since we ve already started talking the big bucks how much are we talking for an iui 425 for an iui and a semen wash at this point i think to myself i might as well actually involve a penis in this process as i m getting screwed anyways 425 for the iui and the wash plus an u s yes ma am there is at least one u s involved plus the drugs yes ma am anything else dr coldfingers checks your estridol levels after the iui that ll be 90 ok if you have any other questions let us know call us when you start your period and we ll get you started hmmmm last i checked i don t have any plans on winning the lottery in the next two weeks i m so unbelievably pissed today i cried at work in the office i cried on my lunch break i cried during office hours i m so mad i m so freaking mad all of this money put into insurance and for nothing i get not covering the clomid i get not covering an iui i get not covering the multiple u s s leading up to an iui or even just monitoring clomid i ll even go as far as to say with confidence that i understand not covering a semen analysis after all a man that shoots blanks is otherwise healthy however i do not get not covering the baseline u s to make sure that my documented medical condition that effects more than just my fucking reproductive abilities hasn t flaired up did i mention i cried today i would pay the money i would gladly pay even thousands of dollars if they could promise me a healthy baby but they can t and that sucks would you pay a grand for a lottery ticket i don t think so so not only did i miss that train i unpacked my luggage damn it all justboo 1 25 am filed under uncategorized 4 comments august 18 2009 welcome blogger bingo ers how is everyone tonight infertile fantastic so i ve been a royal punk about updating my blog and i ve decided that i m going to post more after all i ve started my 101 things to do in 1001 days and one of my goals is to participate in more icomleavwe s this is like baby steps into that er bad choice of words it s like tiny person steps into that a little about myself for the newbies and a refresher for the old hags i m 26 barren and slightly bitter my h is 25 and turning a little jaded as we speak we ve been ttc since 12 06 2 months after we were married why because apparently i m a freaking psychic i told h i d rather get ku right away and have to go on the pill then to wait 5 years decide we re ready and end up having problems ha freaking ha so i was in denial for a long time cough2yearscough and finally made my visit with an re i had gotten pregnant last october but it ended in a m c overall i ve dealt with it alright but some days are worse than others i was 100 sure that i had pcos and that they were going to smack my ass and give me clomid they pop my feet in the stirrups and as the re is talking and the tech is probing and h is feeling inadequate thanks to the monster dildocam i see it the most jewelry i ve ever worn at one time two beautiful pearl necklaces damn even though i was expecting it it still sucked seeing it i put my pants on and make my way to the office so we sit down with the re and he asks me m has anyone gone over the results of your sa i chuckle because deep down i m a 12 year old boy i reply nope expecting a green light it s a miracle you even got pregnant in the first place say what apparently h s numbers are low low quantity low motilitity but fantastically shaped so basically as i explained it to my 82 year old grandmother he s got like a handful of gorgeous sperm but they are lazy and bad with directions then as fast as he was deemed lacking in the sperm department h was gone no not permanently but for the next 3 months flashforward to today 3 months have passed i ve helpd one of my best friends bring forth her second child who as if a m c isn t hard enough on its own was due within days of my mackenna i ve been busting my butt at work h has been taking his vitamins every day and my cycle has somehow managed to regulate itself 30 day cycles what h is coming home next week he gets to visit the plastic couch again to see if i paid too much for vitamins that do nothing and i should be starting soon hopefully his numbers go up either way i m starting clomid as soon as they ll give me the script for it here we go justboo 2 33 am filed under uncategorized 1 comment august 17 2009 a why me night there is so much going on right now but i m having a seriously why me night i ve been crying on an off all day and everytime i get better something knocks me right back i saw this video tonight for the first time and of course i bawl like a big baby everytime i see it justboo 3 17 am filed under uncategorized leave a comment july 11 2009 god knew i needed a laugh this morning is the city festival kick off parade the parade in which i haven t been home for in about 10 years at least our house is on the parade route i thought i d get up and watch the people go by from the comfort of my porch severe thunderstorm i walk out onto my porch and there is the entire group from a local bowling alley complete with parrot mascot in costume good times on the porch good times on the porch justboo 12 49 pm filed under uncategorized 1 comment july 11 2009 for mackenna these are my footprints so perfect and so small these tiny footprints never touched the ground at all not one tiny footprint for now i have wings these tiny footprints were meant for other things you will hear my tiny footprints in the patter of the rain gentle drops like angel s tears of joy and not from pain you will see my tiny footprints in each butterflies lazy dance i ll let you know i m with you if you just give me the chance you will see my tiny footprints in the rustle of the leaves i will whisper names into the wind and call each one that grieves most of all these tiny footprints are found on mommy and daddy s hearts cause even though i m gone now we ll never truly part not written by me unfortunately i can t remember where i read it sorry justboo 3 55 am filed under uncategorized 2 comments june 2 2009 i know i know updataes schmupdates so i haven t been the best about updating sue me i ve kind of been a rut lately and i m hoping its just nerves about the re appt or about matt leaving for the summer i ve been moody and cranky as hell i m not entirely sure what s up with all of it anywho we re back from california and we had a fantastic time we hung out with a few west coast nesties and it was awesome putting a face voice with a name everyone was so friendly and hospitable esp megan and ray they opened their house drove their car and introduced the sights we saw so much i think my top 5 things were 5 disneyland more specifically watching matt experience disney for the first time we had good food and fun and to watch my grown husbands face during the fireworks priceless 4 all of the good food esp those freaking strawberries yum 3 seeing all of the sights carmel monterey santa cruz big sur sausalito san francisco anaheim san juan capitola etc 2 meeting some awesome people who i ve known forever or at least it feels that way my dad thought i was crazy for going out to spend time with people that you don t really know at all but as i explained the situation he changed his tone to that s really awesome though 5 years ago i think he would have gone through the roof he s a little protective of his baby girl but now that he s actually gotten more active online he realizes that you can meet people and be friends with them that are really awesome and lastly 1 spending time with matt on our honeymoon first real vacation together last real time together before he leaves for work he s gonna be gone for 3 months matt s top 5 list 5 the general experience of going to disney atmosphere people activities people saying happy birthday to me when i had my button everyone was just excited and happy to be there except the select few 4 space mountain it was just unique and different unlike any other rollercoaster i ve ever been on interject i made him screw up on his video game because i m harassing him about his top 5 list 3 meeting all of your friends it was awesome to see people who knew all about the way cool things to see and do it helped us see and do things we probably wouldn t have done on our own 2 strawberry daquiri night nothing like getting drunk on serious fruit drinks and then playing monopoly 1 san francisco it was the best touring experience i ve ever had i saw things i might not have ever seen in my life otherwise interject i asked him why i wasn t on his top five list his reply because i always like spending time with you and i shouldn t have to write it on some list laughs in other news my first re appt is wednesday i know that i m not really going to get any answers at this point but part of me wishes i ll go in they ll look me over and say oh just take x vitamin and you ll be ku instantly wouldn t that be nice i m gonna put a poll up somewhere to see what people think sighs ok i m going to bed for the night i m beat justboo 3 24 am filed under uncategorized 1 comment may 10 2009 mothers day today i am bitter i feel i have the right to be today i should be celebrating my first mothers day as a mommy i should be taking pictures of my glowing smiling face holding my now emerged baby bump i should be sitting here with the soon to be first time grandparents ooooing and aaahing over ultrasound pictures and talking about my upcoming baby shower i should be counting down the days til full term a sigh of relief for all pregnant women instead i sit here less than a week away from my 26th birthday i sit here 3 weeks or so away from my first appointment with my re reproductive endocrinologist today i sit here unsure if i will ever celebrate a mothers day with my own biological children will i ever wake up to the sound of my children giggling as they bring me burnt toast as part of my breakfast in bed will i ever hear i love you mommy i don t know i do know that i will never forget this feeling this feeling of isolation and emptiness i will never forget the struggles and pains of my sisters struggling with the heartaches on mothers day and on fathers day there is nothing more natural than reproducing but for so many of us the most natural thing in the world escapes us but yet we feel alone we feel broken we are constantly reminded of our losses of our failures of the gaping holes in our lives there isn t a season where we are...