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hers are three parters and i have one four parter but that series is not really writing but documentation on the illegal and unconstitutional actions of the obama administration with that one a well known and generous man did the legwork and provided the framework my future plans include offering exclusive content for paid subscribers mostly those will be video and audio offerings i d still like to write about political topics but readers can probably tell that my heart and focus are centered on my walk in faith with jesus christ and i have a ton of material about that it won t be the usual since my journey has been a very unusual one i m not the kind of person who s going to shake my finger at you about you sin since i have too many to repent of myself i am the kind of person who will risk being called crazy for publicizing things i ve seen with my own two eyes these things have been bottled up in me for too long and it s time to let them out with that in mind remember audio and video content plans i need to make a big funding push subscribers and donations check this out fire alarms and water piks broken i desperately need these things it s crazy around here i had to pull both alarms out of the walls to concentrate and to get any sleep praying of course that no fires would occur while i m sleeping i ve had two laptops just stop working it s as if spiritual forces are trying to hinder and discourage me also needed vitamin refills and angelpaste back a few years ago i had planned to build my video content but when i looked at myself on camera i looked fat and old well i m still old but the loss of 35 pounds lessened the look somewhat so i ll have to be content with that the bottom line is that i want to look good on camera and replacing these things will contribute to that so i implore you hit one of my donation buttons below subscribe share and pray thanks update also need this i m into alternative methods of healing and maintaining good health donate via paypal donate via cash app posted by baldilocks at 10 43 00 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest a spinster s tale part 1 also published at substack part 2 will be for paid subscribers only a christmas miracle sometimes god will cut you a break many years ago i experienced what i thought was the worst christmas ever my husband asked me for a divorce over the phone three weeks after i miscarried our child ronald 1 and i had been childhood friends our parents were friends we hadn t seen each other in many years before we reconnected in 1991 and we got married that same year i was active duty usaf and had been in for 10 years during that time i was stationed at dli flc at the presidio of monterey ca and attending the russian basic course ronald remained in la before and after the wedding and we visited each other every two weeks when we discussed having a baby i wanted to wait two years but he wanted one right away so i went off the pill and we were successful immediately but seven weeks later we were in the hospital mourning that christmas i went to visit my family in albuquerque you can imagine how much i needed my parents i wanted ronald to come with me but he refused which i found strange at the time since it wasn t as if he didn t know my parents i also sensed something else about ronald fear he was afraid of my dad when i called him on christmas day from my grandparents house pre cell days we were on the phone for a long time though i don t remember how long i do know that i missed my family s ritual holiday insult session always hilarious due to being on the phone with him he had asked me for a divorce and i was trying to talk him out of it i reminded him that before we married he said that he didn t believe in divorce and that it was one of the reasons i said yes he claimed not to remember saying this we ended the conversation not long after that and i cried in my dad s arms months later i agreed to the divorce but for reasons i didn t understand back then he was dragging his feet in filing then one day i was perusing a monterey bookstore and my eyes happened to light upon an instruction manual how to do your own divorce in california it had all the instructions and forms that i needed back then i didn t have a computer or printer so i went to a print shop to personalize all the forms everything was easy since we had no children or community property neither of us wanted money from the other at least not then all i wanted my last name back the lady at the store was impressed by my resourcefulness the entire process would cost us 180 by the time i arrived at my next technical school goodfellow afb tx ronald still hadn t filed but i had my paperwork ready i wanted to get this done because i was set to be stationed at misawa ab japan and i didn t want to have to deal with this matter from thousands of miles away so i called him and told him what i planned to do all he had to do was read the papers sign them and send them back to me in the sase that i would also send oh yes and also a check for 90 i thought he d be happy and grateful silly me he wanted to hear what the papers said so i gave him a verbal overview as stated above r you get more money for being married to me so you should pay the whole fee me but you re the one who wanted the divorce r well i don t have the money me fine i ll pay it i just want this finished it was an inkling of what was to come in the conversation r what about your house me what about it i owned a home in la before we married we had never lived there he hadn t even seen it r california is a community property state in an even tone i explained to him the difference between community property and separate property even as i felt my temper kindling me you have no claim on my house because it is separate property my maiden name is still on it r what if i try to get a piece of the house anyway what are you going to do then i paused just for a few seconds then spoke softly me well california is also a state that favors women in divorce cases so if you find a lawyer dumb enough to take your case we ll go to court then when the judge rules in my favor you ll pay your lawyer fees you ll pay my lawyer fees and you ll give me 50 000 and whatever else i can think of i will bend you over and butt fuck you just for pissing me off now i m going to put these papers in the mail you do what you want to with them i hung up that was the last time we spoke to each other three week later the decree was back and signed six months later i was juliette ochieng again a few years later after that i was out of active duty and back in la if ronald crossed my mind it was only to hope that i d catch him in a crosswalk and turn him into a hood ornament but the fun of that fantasy faded and after jesus got ahold of me the fantasy was extinguished completely i knew from talking to my former sister in law that ronald had remarried and that was fine i suspected that he had been involved with this woman when we were married and that it was the real reason that he wanted a divorce but i could not prove it i was commanded to forgive him and that s what i did no not all at once certainly it is my experience that when you have been grievously harmed by someone you have to walk in forgiveness over a period of time compounding the burden of the harm which my ex husband did to me was this 32 but i say unto you that whosoever shall put away his wife saving for the cause of fornication causeth her to commit adultery and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery matthew 5 32 since that time i ve had more than one opportunity to remarry but i didn t take them there were other reasons but jesus words about divorce was the primary one fast forward to 2018 the decade of the 2010s was one of great upheaval for me loss of money and property treacherous friends worse than my ex husband homelessness death of beloveds by 2018 most of that was behind me but not completely 1 not his real name part 2 will be for paid subscribers only subscribe now donate via paypal donate via cash app posted by baldilocks at 10 25 00 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest fewer bugs more features also published at substack one of the things which occurs when one becomes a christian is that past sins come back up to hit you in the head like a hammer all of the terrible stuff that you blocked out and had no intention of ever thinking about again breaks through that spiritual wall behind which it was imprisoned i call it the wall of forgetfulness and rationalization accepting jesus christ as your savior bulldozes that barrier and crushes it to powder oh yes remember when you did that and that and what about that i was a particularly heinous person in that i did what was right for me first and foremost and to hell with who it hurt have i changed in a sense no my first inclination is to still do what s right for me first and all others second a particularly strong trait in the first born my second inclination however now is to remember what that can lead to becoming the type of person who not only sees truth as relative but whose method of thinking always makes her desires equivalent to what is good and real and makes the opposite true as well what she doesn t want becomes wrong and false the bible says that satan is the father of lies these progeny include the lies that you tell yourself and once you get into the habit of lying to yourself about yourself it becomes instinctive but when objective reality goes on offense against your instinct it interrupts the play of the little dvd of self serving scenarios running in your head if you resist you scream no and try to turn your truth into reality if you re really far gone into self delusion that is a genuine conversion to christianity throws cold water on all of that fantasy and shows you what you are and were on your way to becoming then it points you in the opposite direction aka repentance you still fall short sometimes but you know you have sinned and you don t try to cover it up or rationalize it away simply becoming a christian doesn t put big j s approval on everything an individual christian does we still sin and if the conversion is true we feel the sting of guilt even more keenly because we know what the rules are but also we know that we are incapable of sticking to the rules perfectly and most importantly we know that our adherence to the rules isn t what has saved and will save us anyway but what happens to the person especially the one who calls herself a christian who continues to willfully take the wrong turn who consciously makes the choices dictated by her appetites or her pride there s a reason that one s christianity is referred to as a walk of faith every step of the way is still fraught with choices do i take the road of faith or the road of sin is a question that has to be answered a choice that has to be made every single day sometimes every single moment c s lewis was ever mindful of the fact that christians believe in eternal life that the soul lives forever in one of the chapters of mere christianity morality and psychoanalysis he estimates how a person s morality affects the soul s composition and its eventual fate people often think of christian morality as a kind of bargain in which god says if you keep a lot of rules i ll reward you and if you don t i ll do the other thing i do not think that is the best way of looking at it i would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you the part that chooses into something a little different from what it was before and taking your life as a whole with all your innumerable choices all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature either into a creature that is in harmony with god and with its fellow creatures and with itself to be one kind of creature is heaven that is it is joy and peace and knowledge and power to be the other means madness horror idiocy rage impotence and eternal loneliness each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or to the other that explains what always used to puzzle me about christian writers they seem to be so very strict at one moment and so very free and easy at another they talk about mere sins of thought as if they were immensely important and then they talk about the most frightful murders and treacheries as if you had only got to repent and all would be forgiven but i have come to see that they are right what they are always thinking of is the mark which the action leaves on that tiny central self which no one sees in this life but which each of us will have to endure or enjoy for ever to me this seems to be a particularly catholic way of thinking catholics feel free to argue and though i have no intention of converting it makes a lot of sense to me if you re going to be stuck with you forever it behooves you to try to become the type of person that you want to be stuck with for that long after your threescore and ten are done plus change if you re lucky unlucky all opportunities for modification will be past to put it in geek speak in the eternal life realm you ll have all the features and bugs that you re ever going to have apart from radical change a person is always headed in one direction or the other therefore the time to make changes is now because life is short well this one is anyway thank you for your monetary and prayer support donate via paypal donate via cash app posted by baldilocks at 10 04 00 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest the miseducation of the american christian negro also published at substack with apologies to carter g woodson original published in 2010 a friend asked me about black churches that is churches which have majority black congregations and are therefore culturally black she assumed that the church i attend is such and it is a fair assumption just as it is fair to presume that i m a democrat i no longer get mad at people for playing the odds if they are nice about it as this great person was as it happens however the racial make up of my church roughly reflects the racial make up of the usa martin luther king jr said that the most segregated hour of christian america is at eleven o clock on sunday morning that may still be true in some places but not in my world but that s not why i have attended this church for nearly 20 years below you will find out why a while back i started thinking about how we americans especially those of us who attended urban inner city public schools have been short changed with respect to our formal primary and secondary education from that train of thought i began to muse on how many of us black protestant christians have been cheated in the same manner when god the father drew me to jesus christ and indicated to...