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pm tuesday january 14 2014 many damned things manydamnedthings blogspot co uk being the new blog not unlike like this one but with wider interests and less obvious libel this week damned dinosaurs posted by lawrence at 4 51 pm friday january 03 2014 posted by lawrence at 1 45 pm friday november 22 2013 one last time the proposition that all doctor who is ridiculous hackneyed and saa aad unless you re interested in the time in which it was made every story ever told every work of culture ever cultured has to be judged in the context of its era our thing goes further a narrative spread across decades stealing from the rest of human creation by its very nature magpie collecting from all of history and from all the storytelling devices we ve used to make sense of that history watch virtually any other television made in 1963 and you re looking at something that only makes sense if you re first generation homo 60s something you can mock for its scenery flat cowboys or its egregious use of the word transistor watch the very earliest doctor who and you re watching something about 1963 as much as something that happened to be made there the ability of the tardis to step outside the here and now means that every episode is a commentary on its own place in time now we ve arrived at the great jubilee every blogger and broadsheet is listing its ten best stories or best stories of each doctor or all stories ranked according to personal prejudice but the final verdict has to be this doctor who has bound itself into every year in which it s been made i couldn t care about an unearthly child without being curious about early 60s radiophonics and early 60s war baby thinking i couldn t care about carnival of monsters without taking an interest in 50s sf literature and the way it affected the people who wrote for tv twenty years later i couldn t care about weng chiang without wondering how the hammer gothic tradition shaped british pop culture in the years that followed i cculdn t care about caves of androzani unless i cared about i claudius as well though admittedly that s a bit of a weird one on my part which is why the need to rank and review doctor who stories usually according to spurious rules of sci fi telly devised years after those stories were made is a curse on all of us lists have always been our downfall consider doctor who as a mass of tv making ethic defining principles hurtling forwards in time smacking against the what we now call tropes of every age and making fabulous unpredictable shrapnel endless pages of about time by myself and tat wood and you can often see the bloodstains on the pages where we re ripped chunks out of each other were wasted in arguing about whether we liked any given story but the internet is already made of reviews and besides doctor who covers so much territory that none of us will ever agree with anybody else re what it really is i can only say what i think it is it s like nothing else on earth nobody else in 1963 was making anything that looked like the daleks nobody else in 1982 was making anything that told the same kind of story as kinda nobody else in 2005 was making anything that resembled rose at all so there it is all doctor who is ridiculous hackneyed and saa aad let s say it unwatchable unless you re primed to understand its place in history this is and will be just as true of the present series as it was of the past future generations should they be able to neuro experience their complete set of ipsych engrams before complete global meltdown won t be able to appreciate the matt smith era unless they also appreciate superhero movies the cinema version of harry potter xbox age video gaming or the early twenty first century version of slash fic i don t appreciate any of these things which is why i find it unwatchable now and also why i hate the modern world natch but am i right yes of course i am don t be silly the ad for the day of the doctor looks as if it should have not actual game footage at the bottom of the screen i m also entirely wrong according to people who were eleven ish in the early 70s and think doctor who is all about alien invasion stories or people who were born just after survival and have no problem with that f ing fez i have nothing else to say but i don t want fez to be the last word posted by lawrence at 4 22 pm wednesday july 10 2013 wimbledon interrupted by skagra s mind sphere full story page 3 posted by lawrence at 12 08 pm friday april 19 2013 does lord azaxyr look like a bitch perhaps my favourite thing about the ice warriors is that despite their frosty reptilian exteriors one of them was always played by sonny caldinez a name more suggestive of a sleazy cuban hitman with a late 70s moustache and a medallion tangled in his chest hair actually caldinez is from trinidad and thus about as far from frosty and reptilian as you can get but he was known for his late 70s moustache here though we see proof that mars own criminal faction has been influencing the human underworld for decades tarantino would go on to work with the sontarans in his movie glourious deth posted by lawrence at 5 32 pm older posts home subscribe to posts atom that unfortunate first page of doctor who and the crusaders or doctor who and the nightmare of eton the typo is now well known but almost as disturbing is the next paragraph s description of ian and barbara as the doctor s close friends right after it admits that he kidnapped them because all great companions start out as victims of stockholm syndrome this year s big story time traveller demonstrates knowledge of future he looks like that disc jockey mm ehh are you calling me a paedo hm you know what i m now so thoroughy depressed appalled and irritated by the tabloid media s war on a the bbc and b facts i can t even be bothered doing the joke about the deleted scene from a fix with sontarans that was supposed to accompany this photo yeah it s just two schoolgirls giggling outside a police box whatever punchline you like really but i will mention that in 1977 the same year mary whitehouse s assault on doctor who reached its most vitriolic point she presented jimmy savile with a special award for his wholesome family entertainment then as now morality campaigners were very bad at spotting actual immorality even when it was standing right next to them in a dayglo vest in other news foamasi puts pasta in microwave without piercing film lid full story page 3 man who asked to be crushed between the chests of two mummies explains i was expecting milfs full story page 3 creating an intelligence that turns men into drooling weak willed zombies post office tower calls it will operated mind analogue before receiving complaints full story page 3 evil genius finally admits why he s so insecure full story page 3 while sontaran explains why he s not insecure at all full story page 3 new fossil study suggests that pterodactyls reached their evolutionary peak in 1976 and have been getting gradually more shit ever since full story page 3 separated at birth god of the ogrons seen from below peter griffin seen from below in last year s news production team that promised darkest series yet admits to being terribly over literal full story page 3 crude half formed rubbery faced parody of the doctor meets his rebel flesh duplicate full story page 3 environmentalists claim doctor who using up 80 of the world s blue light full story page 3 long term doctor who viewer told to go away and be a fan of something else responds with elementary go away and stop ruining our programme defence full story page 3 morality corner your ethical questions answered to exterminate a life form to know that just by touching two wires together i have the power of life and death over an entire species do i have that right yes duh how are you going to look cool when you re agonizing about stuff in fact not only should you broadcast an order to commit genocide against creepy looking aliens you should turn your sonic screwdriver into a gun so that you can help your love interest slaughter as many of them as possible on the way out then once she s good and hot from all the killing cop off with her while dramatic music plays in the background and the viewers cheer like the shit eating battery animals we all know they are haven t you seen any action movies get with the programme granddad next time how to end the silurians after episode four by gouging their eyes out with razors and claiming it s a revolution blog archive 2015 2 october 1 pedantfight september 1 2014 2 january 2 2013 4 november 1 july 1 april 1 march 1 2012 13 september 1 august 1 july 6 june 1 may 2 february 2 2011 10 december 1 september 3 june 2 may 3 april 1 2010 5 december 1 november 1 june 2 march 1 2009 2 november 1 august 1 2008 12 november 1 may 5 april 4 march 2 2007 9 december 1 november 1 july 1 june 6 you fat bastard my adipose stress toy burst after ten days of squeezing so there s something very wrong with at least one of us however the packaging features one of the best warnings in the history of consumerism to avoid strangulation risk do not stretch the adipose around anyone s neck the autons could only dream of this brave new world commercial break gold prices are at an all time high do you have gold jewellery you no longer need we ll give you cash for it no questions asked at leaveearthdefenceless com we just we just want to take it away from you please i cannot give you cheap car insurance comparethe myrka com comparethe market com simples raah ooh look you can still visit the beasthouse at www beasthouse co uk the seal of rassilon zirg didn t mind advertising the other daleks but felt that advertising dr who was somewhat beneath his dignity actually although sandwich board dalek is the most immediately noticeable thing about this cover a more striking point is that the video was released by hbo now known for the wire true blood and other things which don t seem on an obvious creative trajectory from roy castle falling over on a lever a third point is that the tagline specifies an adventure in space but not in time so we can say with some certainty that the fall of the dalek city took place in 1965 and not 1963 as lance parkin claimed the new argos catalogue magic wands section convenient easy to use gadgets for any cosmic adventurer or television scriptwriter who can t be bothered to do things properly mw1 the handyhand 3000 this portable cheekily shaped utility can hold up to 120 gigaspacks of regeneration energy even the kind that makes absolutely no sense extra features include the ability to undermine what regeneration actually means and the option to grow into a full scale biological copy of the user for no discernable reason no mechanical parts every handyhand 3000 is lovingly sliced from the wrist of a newly regenerated time lord who must be wondering why he never thought of doubling his lifespan by doing this sort of thing before guaranteed to be described as iconic in ten years time instead of shit cat no 202413 mw2 archangel satellite system the ideal gift for the evil mastermind on the go the archangel satellite system allows today s megalomaniac to brainwash an entire country in less than eighteen months and become prime minister without the fuss of using his hypnotic powers or doing anything really devious can also be used to magically heal a shrunken wizened time traveller and thus reaffirm his belief in the greatness of humanity warning reaffirming your belief in the greatness of humanity may involve convincing millions of people across the world to slavishly pray to a spurious messiah figure without any of the bad guys informers finding out about it cat no 191312 mw3 wristband teleporter the perfect way to get characters exactly where they need to be without any need for proper coordinates or logical storytelling comes equipped with the new whateverfix system if disabled by a sonic device the wristband can be re booted just by punching in two digits from a completely different teleportation device that s been produced by a completely different technology capable of transporting three people halfway across the galaxy and billions of years back in time unless used in the middle of a dalek attack in which case it s capable of transporting one person from cardiff to london while leaving everybody else behind to die cat no 190311 mw 4 sonic screwdriver our best selling item the mk iv screwdriver can do virtually anything the modern day cosmic adventurer might ask from soldering to rhinoplasty can also be waved in the faces of onlookers while you shout it isn t a massive cop out it s part of the mythology if trapped on a planet at the end of time and surrounded by cannibals while the master steals your tardis then why not try using the screwdriver in conjunction with item mw3 and instantly destroying any hope of dramatic tension cat no 182301 mw5 interdimensional hoover scientific research has proved that nothing can exist in the void between universes and that neither time nor matter have any meaning there which is why it s full of background radiation take advantage of this bizarre quirk of physics with the interdimensional hoover powerful enough to suck up even the toughest ground in daleks and deposit them in an eternal interstitular hell comes with a patented filter attachment to prevent the dimension hopping tardis being sucked out of the universe at the same time somehow warning users are advised to use the hoover only during an incredibly sad and distracting goodbye to stop anyone asking how it works cat no 180212 mw 6 self destructive human stooge hand reared to sacrifice him or herself for the greater good in any crisis even when it s entirely out of character a perennial favourite the stooge also comes in annoying american teenager and diminutive australian cat no 200410 mw 7 openable tardis console still our most talked about item the console allows even the most inexperienced user to access all the power of space and time tow truck not included and is fitted with built in faith manipulators to convert the emotional excitement of an end of season two parter into pure dalek slaying energy while bypassing all logic and reason can only be used once without ripping the universe apart has already been used twice cat no 169113 mw8 thing that can vanish a two hundred foot tall cyberman christ knows how this one s supposed to work cat no 203500 in other news world s philosophers admit to feeling a bit silly after last scene of prisoner of the judoon explains meaning of life full story page 3 recession leaves time lords too poor to afford railings full story page 3 the thing that the man who s the foundation of this society would never do is probably the same thing that meatloaf wouldn t do for love say scientists full story page 3 we were even more stoned when we thought this one up than we were during the wheel in space admits cyber leader full story page 3 bbc launches subcons...