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etire into solitude all my sinful body longs for is relief and comfort of course it hurts to follow jesus and does satan want me to suffer hell yes it is his all ending goal to drag me to hell with him forever and ever does he want me to face cancer fearless where others turn and question where my peace comes from hell no does he want to give me a testimony of overcoming pain and fear hell no does satan want the suffering majority to find hope in my story of love and peace in jesus christ to share how all this world will pass and fade but we are adored by the father who calls us to be his princes and princesses hell no satan holds the longest bluff of all time his chains have long been broken and all we need do is call upon the one who sets us free when we know this we call upon the name of jesus and the blood of the lamb and satan flees we fight with demons and we win we crush satan with the power of the almighty alive and well that dwells in our very hearts it is not pretty it is war with great determination satan stood in glee and pride with the son of god crucified upon the cross and with the completion of the death of the beating heart of jesus he forgave the world he defeated satan satan has learned his lesson well that suffering can lead to victory while being stoned stephen being full of the holy spirit looked up to heaven and saw the glory of god and jesus standing at the right hand of god we have no fear even of death just seconds later stephen stood before his maker and proclaimed that he gave all for his name with comfort oh how i retreat and in health the lesson is hard that it is all for nothing none of it i want none of this world i want no one to look at me and declare the love of how i dress please see no beauty in my humanity i want no one impressed by my home or my abilities and i don t want to seek those accomplishments any longer one thing i want only one i desire to be said of me she loved jesus christ with all her heart her soul her mind and her strength i want to be loved and hated for this and i want the prince of demons to be terrified to let me suffer because every moan and every breath of my pain will be to call upon the name that he loathes to hear blog books cancer christianity journal life religion spirituality suffering wordpress write 10 comments posted on october 4 2016 age america anger attitude author bible blog cancer change children christianity coffee daughter faith family forgiveness god grace inspiration jesus life love marriage mom parenting people religion uncategorized i know god s calling for my life god did not call me to do that not everyone is called to be missionaries so give some money and help these people tell the world about god the only problem jesus did not make distinctions when he said go into the world and preach the gospel it s not just for a certain group of people he never said if you feel called he said go that applies to everyone don t feel the calling i bet shadrach didn t feel like being thrown into a fire i bet corrie ten boom didn t feel like spreading the love of jesus in a concentration camp i bet martyrs didn t feel like being tortured jesus didnt feel like dying on the cross are you a mom be so wildly in love with jesus that your children see him as the very air you breathe be so beyond patient that others notice something different about you and have to comment and then answer are you a husband love you wife like christ loves the church daily die to her do you drive forget about road rage do you buy coffee grab a cup for someone else invite a homeless person to church stop and chat with a lonely person be so crazy in love with the king of kings that you are a fool in love live like this is not your home and when you screw up because you will the absolute biggest way that you can stand out among the crowd is to ask for forgiveness ask for forgiveness and forgive that is what i am called to do what better way to preach the gospel cancer christianity life marriage parenting read religion 6 comments posted on october 1 2016 october 1 2016 age america author bible blog cancer children christianity daughter education faith family god home inspiration jesus life love parenting uncategorized open journal my sweet little bitty teeny tiny baby you have never been one to really like the many nicknames that i have thrown out your way mom don t call me that and then i pulled out this exaggerated pet name and you didn t mind it is the first that you smile and let it be as i like to do i was having coffee with a friend who happens to be a mom of one of your friends she asked how do i keep improving my life to show my daughter that she can be anything she and i realize our immense responsibility to be the role model of our daughters we chatted and i loved our chat so that the words have stuck with me bringing a new realization a few days later madison you are so enthusiastically curious so calmly friendly ever achieving new abilities lover of learning without the stress of perfection independent and so perfectly yourself that i believe others expect more out of me this is what i mean madison plays piano oh i never played any instrument madison excels at an exemplary private school with whatever you can throw her way as a model student i struggled through public school madison plays volleyball i never did m rides horses i never madison stands up for others at such a young age i didn t know how to madison loves sharks me scary on and on the list goes so that i have realized caroline your job is to get out of the way god is her parent he is her father i have prayed for this child since i was pregnant and when she was three months old god said in the most audible way she is not yours this baby is mine so hard for me to open my hands but there are no words that i can write to fully illustrate the overwhelming joy and privilege to see god himself take my nine year old daughter by the hand and whisper softly little bitty teeny tiny baby i have one big huge god sized plan for your life christianity life love parenting religion 6 comments posted on september 27 2016 bible cancer children christ christianity coffee daughter family god religion suffering uncategorized the goodness of pain oh no there was no way around the large puddles now i splashed right through them my pants were already soaked through so that i could feel the coldness upon my legs the sudden downpour caught me unexpected and soaked me through and through pain i did not like but with or without a good attitude i tolerated it the sound of the small drip the sight of steam rising up from the coffee pot the smell my brain was already enjoying the promise of a hot cup of coffee after a hot shower and putting on comfy pajamas nothing was a better ending to this cold day than holding a hot cup of coffee between my fingers i slowly lifted the the large mug to my lips and to my delight the soft touch of my lips told me the contents of the cup was much too hot pain i enjoyed i knew the seriousness of the moment as she slowly and solemnly entered my room i put down the shirt i was ironing and simply looked into her eyes telling her she had my attention as tears rolled down her face we collapsed into a chair and i held my arms around her she recounted the guilt over a wrong and poured out her broken heart there was no further need for discipline her heart had learned the lesson well pain she learned from there were even times that i intentionally brought pain on my own daughter that i love so much lack of treats when she was craving them remaining loyal to a sports team when she wanted to quit shots at the doctor when she did not understand stitches at the hospital the natural consequences of forgetting to do her homework i used pain for her own wellbeing i didn t know them all that well but i hear that they ve lost their two year old daughter in a drowning accident i can not begin to explain this i do not understand but i take comfort in knowing the god who knows us through and through promises me that one day all the wrong will be undone one day i will look upon his face and i will have no more questions one day it will be all the better because in this oh so short life i have suffered real pain and real hurt simply put the existence of pain is by no means an explanation that there is no god how could i ever question god mere man that i am he gives and he takes away blessed be the name of the lord and he simply looks into my eyes showing me that i have his attention we collapse into a comfortable chair he wraps his arms around me and tears roll down my face i tell him of my wrongs and my lessons learned blessed are those that suffer and they suffer for righteousness cancer christianity family life love pain suffering leave a comment posted on june 30 2016 june 30 2016 age angels anger author bible blog cancer change children christianity family home jesus life love religion uncategorized spiritual flesh and blood 10 a continuation of a story if you want to start at the beginning scroll to spiritual flesh and blood 1 two memories stood out to wayne concerning his father the first was of him calling wayne into his office only to dismiss him the second occurred that same year it was christmas morning and wayne woke up with all the excitement that a child has with the magic of the holiday he ran down two flights of marble stairs the twelve foot christmas tree stood tall welcoming all in the large marble entryway that opened into the grand living room music played snow was falling sweet breakfast smells filled the room it all looked like a movie scene his nanny greeted him with a christmas hug five other home employees circled around smiling and welcoming watching a child enjoy christmas wayne looked around the room where is mommy and daddy wayne longed to make the moment meaningful and personal they want you to go ahead and open your presents his nanny responded wayne insisted that he would not open gifts until his parents were there to enjoy them with him finally his mother came running into the room wayne hugged her and looked up longingly into her eyes hoping that she could give him the one thing he really wanted for christmas parents that loved him she smiled and asked why haven t you opened any presents look at all of them where s daddy she replied your father bought you all these presents can daddy come here and watch me open them your father is still in bed let him sleep i ll wait he took off running to his father s bedroom his mom following wait stop this minute but he reached his father s master bedroom and pushed open the door a woman that wayne had never met before sat up covering herself with sheets his father yelled can t i have some damn privacy even on christmas morning that christmas wayne did not open a single present somehow they all got opened and put away he would be playing in his playroom and come across a new pirate ship and characters that he begged for but he refused to play with it a few days after christmas he was in his garage and noticed a new shiny bike in the corner he complained to his nanny that his old bike was gone he refused to accept any of the gifts from that day to be continued cancer children christianity religion spirituality leave a comment posted on june 29 2016 june 30 2016 america angels bible blog book cancer christianity demons education family inspirtaion jesus life love novel uncategorized spiritual flesh and blood 9 a continuation of a story if you want to start at the beginning scroll to spiritual flesh and blood 1 in high school wayne got the highest grades his teachers praised him and his peers idolized him but wayne wanted more people are told we are animals in school across america kids are taught they are evolved from a monkey in many ways this is true wayne was highly educated highly talented and dressed and equipped with the finest of what money could buy but he was just like a more evolved animal he was like a pure breed at a dog show that would obediently perform for treats but he was still an animal he did not think for himself his world was cause and effect but something was torturing him something somewhere was beginning to cause him to think bigger what was his purpose what was beyond this dog and pony show he was at the top of society and his future was bright but there was a nagging hole inside him at his high school graduation wayne was valedictorian and received honor after honor why was this not enough to satisfy him maybe although it was expected he was disappointed after his father was not there wayne did not know what he wanted out of life but he did know one thing he did not want to be like his father but what did that even mean that fact was that he did not know his father at all his father was just not there not attending his graduation was one of many times he was absent from big events in wayne s life he had come to expect it he was disappointed at five when he was not there to see him get a baseball trophy he was disappointed when he was the only ten year old without a father at the school father son camping trip he was disappointed when his best friend asked if his parents were divorced and even when one friend asked if his dad had died simply because after years of being friends they had never met him to be continued bible blog cancer christianity church education family god inspiration jesus life love religion write leave a comment posted on june 28 2016 june 30 2016 age angels bible blog cancer christianity demons religion uncategorized spiritual flesh and blood 8 a continuation of a story if you want to start at the beginning scroll to spiritual flesh and blood 1 my father s sermons were not personal for me or my brother or my sister we were strangers that lived in his house i remember sitting in the pew and hearing my father talk week after week about a loving god i remember thinking that my father was a different man there behind the pulpit it was the only time i saw him smile he knew the answers and he knew a relationship with god his personal demons could not reach his heart they could only influence his life so their agreement was that they would sit outside the church while he preached and then they returned to his shoulders as he walked out the door wayne was different evil won battle after battle since he was conceived wayne grew up and changed from that plump faced quiet child who longed for a childhood he couldn t change them so he joined them he accepted the money and the attention and the praise of the world he walked through this world blind always being told how good he was and he came to believe the empty lies but god does not care what the world thinks darkness was upon the face of wayne his life was without purpose and it was void then the spirit of god moved in the heavens the world did not know that when he was born the angels and demons gathered angel victory stepped forward and shouted proclaim this among th...