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s month my dad overdid things gardening on a hot day collapsed while i was at work i felt so guilty not being there for them our kind neighbour saved the day helped rehydrate him he thankfully made a recovery but with his 87th birthday soon his well being confidence have really taken a blow so much seems to have happened to our friends lives since i was last here i have been thinking about my friends a lot i feel sorry i have neglected dear friends like lucy i was so pleased to discover two dear friends jo lori have returned to share their lives with us once more they have been special friends sharing their good times their bad so kind always caring i feel humbled take inspiration from how friends conduct themselves in adversity the spirit they show i always try to imagine how they may be feeling what it may be like to walk in their shoes the quote on lori s blog be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle seem so appropriate for my recent life experiences back in july i had been really struggling with my health becoming increasingly emotionally driven in my mums words it was as though the light that had been shining in my eyes had gone out i had put it all down to my vulnerability to depression was determined not to let it beat me i wanted to look after my family keep my job be there for my friends not let anyone down sometimes i can be too self critical not make allowances for how i was feeling or ask for help i was increasingly worrying about my dads declining health the plight of so many of my friends in the space of three days i found my life turned upside down i struggled to help at work felt so fatigued i had to leave early over a weekend my legs felt heavier heavier to the point i could no longer walk properly on the point of collapse using my dear dads walking stick to support me i got an emergency appointment to see a doctor she discovered i had a temperature of 39 a temperature she had never seen before in an adult i also had a severe infection which she felt must have been going on for some time her declaration she had never seen a patient looking so ill seemed to make me feel worse she immediately referred me to the acute medical unit of the local hospital the very same hospital i normally work in in emergency once again the nhs came to our families rescue could not have been kinder or more helpful i recall arriving semi conscious falling out of a taxi with my dear mum by my side i found her seconding a wheelchair from reception to attempt to push me to acu before i stopped her a member of staff came to our aid the doctors nurses truly where angels without wings reassuring both mum i whose specialist subject would likely be anxiety every step of the way all kinds of tests followed blood water xrays they concluded because of the severity of the water infection the duration it had been allowed to go on without showing any obvious symptoms it had found a weakness in my muscles which a course of antibiotics should cure they appeared to do the trick but the side effects of the medication caused a level of pain in my ears that was the most physically painful of my life until some cocodomyl kicked in my legs felt as though i had just run a marathon i wanted to trying do too much too soon landed me a ticking off from the doctor who ordered me complete rest for a while the sight of my dear parents having to do all the work looking after me at a time when they should be taking things easy was so disturbing at the time on reflection they had found a strength inside them which gave them the desire to do things we had perhaps all lost faith that they could at their tender years attempt to see them both renewed empowered was a joy to behold everyday i rested our doggy would wait patiently at the bottom of our stairs to see me i was too weak to be able to walk him the last time dad had taken our doggy out on his own he had fallen badly bruised his face this time mum donned her warm clothes water proofs to go with him regardless of the impact of the inclement weather on her much loved hairdo love found a way as the strength in my legs grew stronger i came for walks with them dad refused his stick insisting i use it until i felt much better this proved very insightful as now our roles were some how reversed there had been brief moments of anxiety at times when i was afraid i may be late for work when dads frailty had caused him to struggle to walk there he was walking more upright more alive than he had been for such a long time when i first went into work to let them know how i was doing my dad came with me to look after me in case i fell i introduced him to everyone it was a beautiful moving experience to see the dad who in the past turmoil of our lives pre transition had said he could never walk with me as his daughter stand their by my side with the colleagues who were all my friends warmly putting him at ease was magical a day we had for different reasons never really had the faith could ever happen we had now metaphorically both taken a walk in the other persons shoes a month later i managed to go back to work even though i could not walk very far at all i struggled in only to find my collegues i like so many all over the world during the recession being called to a meeting to be told all our jobs were at risk we may be made redundant by christmas i felt so sorry for my long serving dedicated collegues they have all made me feel so welcome so supportive life is tough for everyone a month after i came back to work i went through a mildly stressful morning felt the build up off feeling in my legs that signalled the return of another attack within 20 yards i collapsed this time had the chance to travel in an ambulance back to hospital i felt something of a fraud as i actually felt a lot better in myself than my last emergency visit to the acute medical department as i did not have a high temperature at all just no control over my thigh muscles the staff were all brilliant once again but in spite of further tests could not establish a definite cause for my condition as no infection was present i did at least recover a lot quicker as my job was at risk i had asked permission from the consultant if i felt strong enough to return to work the following day to be allowed to go in he agreed to this but explained should i have further episodes i would possibly need to referred to a neurology as an outpatient for further tests i just wish i knew what caused it for once a label would be nice since then my dad was sadly poorly but thankfully now on the mend i had one more very mild brief attack until this week when i had to use a stick to walk for a couple of days i had more blood tests done ironically in the childrens department thanks to friends they got the tests done really quickly for me so quickly that when i finally got back home to see my post yesterday a day later i had a letter from my doctor asking me to come back to see her as something had shown up on the tests knowing that they have actually found something is reassuring but also the not knowing what is just a little scary sorry for writing so much after being away for so long i am not sure when my legs will allow me to get to a computer again to access the www but i hope to catch up with you all soon love debbie x posted by debbie k at 04 40 11 comments sunday 17 april 2011 the perfect storm i have been unable to find the words to blog lately with all the troubles in the world the heartbreaking stories from far away places i am in awe of the courage spirit of those families in such peril a number of my closest friends are going through major life changing challenges life threatening health conditions losing the loves of their lives their livelihoods possibly their homes they all had what appeared to be idealic lives these friends are the very people who stood up supported me on my journey i care so much about them the foundations of their lives their safe havens have become such difficult places we all seemed like one extended family our lives all linked by a common interest a sense of belonging they were there for me i have tried to be there for them the pace of all our lives seems to have grown so much quicker as have the speed of changes this year nothing stays the same for ever we do not seem to have the time like we used to to meet up share some happy times as our lives once collided so now they seem to have drifted apart how i miss that closeness we once shared the chance to make new friends fills me with both excitement anxiety i question now as reality has replaced the heady atmosphere of a much reduced dysphoric world i now inhabit when making new friends when letting people get close am i always fated to have my past dragged up used against me when it suits the other person for ever a trump t card to throw into any relationship until events in the last 6 months i really had generally just been getting on with life now with my confidence in shreads there is a nagging doubt with every new social encounter akin to a time delay on life life is for living enjoy the good times while you can alas i dared hope that my old friend depression would never feel a constant companion again but circumstances have recently conspired against me an almost perfect storm they do warn you that sometimes after the euphoria of transitioning achieving all the changes you need to make to your life you may experience a dip in mood a time of reflection i look now at just how much i once had that has now gone the price i have had to pay to transition at first life was incredible so natural so easy so peaceful its only now as the perfect storm appears to have washed away what i held so dear that the dark clouds have descended my demons are the social isolation i have found myself sinking in to my confidence eroded by the hurt i feel at events orchestrated by a man who ironically uses abuses his friends at will like a virus he has infected destroyed a number of very special friendships involving several different female friendships my very nature is to wish all my friends could be happy together evn though i know that is not always possible people change not just people like me i need to take responsibility for how i feel but its been so hard of late i feel afraid to let anyone get close to me ever again how do i re find my trust in human nature the strength inside me to overcome all the pain that i feel i look from the shore at the wreck we once all sailed in a voyage of discovery we once all shared both a truly creative enlightening world a world full of courageous like minded souls now it all seems gone our lives on different paths once more the painting of miranda the tempest by john william waterhouse captures my feelings far more than my inadequate words i feel guilty as though i am letting down my parents my true friends all the doctors who have been there for me i have so much to be grateful for i hate posting negative feelings removed this posting only to find i had worried some dear friends by the very nature of the title my mum had actually been so worried by my black mood that she feared i may do some harm to myself which i never will i really do have too much to live for i have been afraid to express how vulnerable i have been feeling in the last couple of months i have had to take shelter feelings of isolation deliberately not wishing to burden friends who have so much to deal with you are always in my thoughts peace hugs love debbie x posted by debbie k at 08 02 3 comments monday 7 february 2011 a moment in time making your way in life takes everything you got the opening line from the cheers them tune hits the right note for me this year http http www youtube com watch v xvrgh2nejsu i have been so busy living life this year i have sadly not been able to update my blog for a while transitioning my working life from purely doing voluntary work to some much appreciated financially paid employment as well has been challenging with my devotion to my family it has been a very tricky time meeting every ones needs as well adjusting our lifestyles there is a sense of role reversal for my parents i about time they could enjoy their retirement stop worrying about their daughter if only that were true i have a better appreciation now of how difficult it must be for new mums to have to leave their children to go to work or for those who have been away for along time looking to return to the workplace my dear friend lucy has been such a kind compassionate friend to me i was so pleased to meet up with her again this weekend she has been through so much has such a friendly sweet nature everyone who meets her falls under her charming ways she is soon about to undergo a life affirming experience at the same brighton hospital i went to for my grs remarked you look so alive we had a lovely time together she is so serene so calm peaceful we both have complete faith this will be right for her for me what has been so magical about the changes i needed to make to my life is that i am able to be at peace with myself now so alive i interact with the living no longer a ghost or trapped by an invisible barrier to entomb me in myself life is so different for me now i have to be careful to check in with my new self not the old if that makes sense the old self bob existed through so much turmoil but without a true sense of self could never truly partake in life or find the energy to keep fighting against how things felt inside mind or soul pre transitioning living existing in perpetual anguish with zero self esteem no confidence a daunting future sacrificed for loved ones crushed by external pressures real or imagined took real courage for those in similar situation my heart goes out to you finally discovering i had the strength within to overcome some of the hurt that was holding me back survive all the pain to overcome my fears of what i may lose discovering who actually owned some of the fears i had believed were mine proved a turning point my new self debbie with her sense of self so full filled has a far more rewarding life even though i may have swapped one lot of challenges for another the potential physical pain of the major surgery grs and ffs was for me fortunately very minimal with regard to recovery from grs with ffs the challenge in the first ten hours post op the worst physical pain of my life but for me that was easy compared with the mental trauma of trying to live with a dysphoric screaming voice inside me that cried out ever stronger with each day to push me to a very dark place for me there was no mental anguish with either surgery more a mixture of tranquility euphoria transitioning really did feel like going from a dark monochrome place to a life full of colour every time i faced my fears i found my sense of self my faith in myself my religion grow ever stronger no ones way regarding dealing with dysphoria is right or wrong it has to be w...