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hich is fine by me i m willing to be a team player but if we set any ground rules we have to accept the consequences i may lack imagination but i m finding it very difficult to think of any such rules that will simultaneously please liberals myself included and prevent rational persons such as myself from recognizing the fact that like it or not i am both male and female at least we can agree on one thing gender identity isn t a matter of choice as it turns out it may be a matter of logic thus spoke benjamin at 2 53 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest ingredients philosophy popped culture monday may 27 2019 kickassby50 photo by david talley on unsplash back in july 2017 melanie and i took our boys to seattle they had never been there and one of melanie s brothers had moved to the area several years earlier when he took a job with microsoft we stayed with his family in the quaint and pleasant suburb of duvall it was a really great experience something about the pacific northwest speaks to my soul i fell in love with it within minutes literally of exiting seatac airport on my first visit back in 1992 as soon as i felt the crisp washington air and beheld the gray skies and abundance of lush green trees i was absolutely smitten fortunately i ve been able to visit this particular corner of the world many times now melanie and i even honeymooned in seattle and british columbia without exaggeration i often feel homesick for the place of the very few items on my bucket list living in the pacific northwest may just be at the top if you re like me being on vacation especially somewhere that you really love naturally leads to an examination of your life freed from the burdens of everyday life from the day to day responsibilities obligations and have to s you have an opportunity to connect with your true self to take inventory of your hopes dreams and ambitions and to reassess your life trajectory i have always found myself in a rather self reflective state when visiting the pnw it has always left me inspired of course the weeds of normal life grow at an alarmingly fast rate they often choke one s motivation within a day or two of returning home but thanks to a little catchphrase my 2017 visit to seattle has stuck with me a little better than most kick ass by 50 that s my goal and it s a holistic goal by the time i am 50 years old i want to be living the best life i ve ever lived it s not just about me as a person yes i hope to be in very good physical health even if that is necessarily followed by an asterisk that notes some restrictions apply yes i hope to have made tremendous advancements as a musician yes i hope to have read a lot of great books and to have seen a lot of amazing movies but it goes beyond that i want to kick ass at 50 but i also want my life to kick ass when i m 50 do you see the difference to the maximum degree possible i want every moment of my waking hours to feel like a manifestation of me this means i need to be in a career that feels like me it s not enough to have a secure job that sufficiently pays the bills this means the way i spend my free time needs to feel like an investment in and or an expression of the me that i like the most at the risk of sounding like a whiny entitled self absorbed teenager although i m probably ripe for the type of midlife crisis that would lend to such attitudes i want my home my clothes my car and everything else to feel like a manifestation of me let me be clear i m not talking about being a selfish prick i m not talking about being immature or irresponsible i m not talking about being a self centered asshole who doesn t care how my actions impact the people and the world around me if you know me you know those sorts of attitudes don t describe me at all well mostly what i m talking about is something that i believe any rational and reasonably intelligent person would agree with and endorse and something that we probably all seek i even believe there is a moral obligation to pursue the type of life i mean more on that in a future post i have felt all too cognizant of the fact that life is fleeting because of that i can get pretty depressed when i realize just how rarely i see the me that i absolutely love and adore yes there is a me that i think is pretty darn awesome and unique and i believe everyone has that inside them which is what makes it so incredibly tragic if those beautiful unique wonderful individuals are mostly kept in a box and rarely see the light of day no offense to anyone who believes in reincarnation but none of us is coming around again this is it if the best you by which i mean the real you gets to come out and play only once in a blue moon that is if the one person whose life you ve been most intimately entrusted with yourself only gets to make an occasional guest appearance in this world well that s just a tragedy beyond anything else i can possibly imagine i consider myself fortunate that my life has been moving steadily in the kick ass direction since moving back to utah in 2014 there s still plenty of work to do which is probably why i chose kick ass by 50 rather than kick ass by 45 or what would ve been the extremely ambitious goal of kick ass by 39 i m now 40 a little bit more kick ass than i was at 39 but nowhere near the kick ass i ll be at 50 that said i hope to make great kick ass strides every year between now and then i really believe i will and that s rather exciting oh and lest there be any confusion i don t plan to retire from kick assery at 50 i ll keep going with it perhaps i ll set a new goal at that time bad ass motherfucker by 80 or some such we ll see thus spoke benjamin at 10 28 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest ingredients navel gazing travel tuesday may 21 2019 of carrots and chord progressions this past weekend i participated in a two day concert event put on by my guitar school approximately 10 bands played three songs each on both friday and saturday night even though things never go quite as smoothly as i hope sometimes i feel destined to do my worst when i m in front of an audience it was nice to spend a whole weekend devoted to being a musician not only do i enjoy the opportunity to perform but i enjoy the validation i get from a solid performance when i know it went well i feel my musicianship confirmed when i leave the stage and a teenager stops me as i pass by to point his finger at my chest and state with the utmost conviction you you are a maaa zing i think maybe i m not so crazy for feeling like music is my calling that i really am most in my element when i m playing it on sunday night i thought of the day job that awaited me on the morrow the incongruity i felt is hard to put into words in the past i have tried to capture my feelings about my job by saying things like it feels so foreign to me it feels so unlike me i feel like a phony an outsider a pretender and so on i worry these descriptions conjure the wrong ideas in other people s minds however one could easily suppose i hate my job that i find it depressing or miserable but i don t think those descriptions are accurate at least not a majority of the time instead my job feels like it has nothing to do with me and that s why i don t think it s a good fit sure i could be much more miserable being in the military is the sort of job i would absolutely hate find depressing and feel 100 miserable in thank god that s not my life and yet my current job is one from which i often feel wholly detached my team at work was recently assigned a book to read the book is one of those self help for the business world type of books all about how to be an effective manager when i encounter business jargon revenue return on investment spreadsheets i cannot explain how utterly dead those words are to me it s not that i recoil at them it s that i feel absolutely nothing toward them it s the same emotional response you d get from me if you had me read a book that was just a series of random numbers it is sterile lifeless non existent somehow i wish i could better put it into words but i don t know what else i can say if you created a venn diagram where you put everything that seems real about me into a circle and you put all of this business crap in another circle there would be no overlap whatsoever but of course my day job does revolve around the business world so my life does overlap with it in some sense but not in a way that feels real it truly feels like the business world has absolutely nothing to do with me and i don t want really want it to today on facebook a friend of mine who is also a college professor posted that he had submitted final grades for the semester once in a while something innocent like this reminds that another world exists a world that i once knew and occupied there s always something startling about it this realization that a world better suited for me really exists and somehow persists without me part of me wants to cry out in genuine bafflement what the hell how is this happening it s not because i think that world needs me it s that it doesn t make sense for me to be outside of it there is always a sharp pang of recognition in these moments a quasi out of body experience wherein i catch a glimpse of a life i once occupied but am now wholly invisible to it s weird and a bit unsettling have you ever tried to break a really thick stick one that requires you to strain with all of your might and teases you with several seconds of cracking noises before it finally snaps in two has it ever required so much force that once the stick does snap in half a stinging sensation shoots through the overexerted muscles in your arms like a needle thin bolt of lightning that s how it feels whenever i encounter this other world the one that i should inhabit and see that it doesn t exist only in my imagination it makes me homesick i long to be part of that world a world that revolves around intellectualism and artistic endeavors i was recently told at work that over the next several months my job will be expanding in such a way that i can look forward to a nice pay raise one manager even told me i could end up making lots more money in the relatively near future i was glad to hear that it means the company is invested in me and that i don t need to worry about losing my job any time soon it also means that if i stick with this company longer than i currently expect i ll at least have a better income but you may be surprised how little i care about the money that s just not the type of carrot i need dangled before my eyes it won t motivate me i don t want to run this race i honestly think they could double my salary tomorrow and it wouldn t change anything about what i plan to do the more they pay me the more at ease i ll be if it takes me longer to abandon ship than i think but nothing s going to stop me from climbing into that lifeboat and heading for a new shore wish me luck thus spoke benjamin at 6 56 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest ingredients music teaching work saturday may 11 2019 resurrecting a repository of ruminations it s likely premature to declare this blog resurrected although i have rechristened it changed the appearance a bit and find myself posting for the first time in over a year this will again be a living breathing blog only if i post consistently which is something i haven t done since early 2016 why would anything change now well i have my reasons for thinking this could truly be the beginning of a blogging renaissance for me i ve been on quite a gotta get back to being me kick lately granted much of what i ve done over the past five years leaving a ph d program changing religions getting a job re immersing myself in music and later leaving religion altogether has been the result of my seeking to make life more perfect more my own more what i personally desire it to be and life has gotten better over the last five years in rather tremendous ways but i feel i am on the cusp of yet another monumental transition one that will reclaim elements of my past that i love and dearly miss and yet that somehow became the proverbial baby who was thrown out with the bath water i m eager to share my intentions because i find them exciting and yet i also fear certain people learning of my intentions before i want them to it s a ridiculous paranoia i know given that nobody reads this blog there s no doubt that i m speaking into a void and yet what if a random google search by a co worker were to land them upon my page or has in the past and that person subscribed to my posts without ever telling me as unlikely as that may be it s not a totally absurd notion i m pretty sure i googled all of my co workers at some point in time or another it s what we do as humans nowadays isn t it i ve never used my surname on this blog but it s otherwise been a pretty open book hell anyone who s talked to me for five minutes can deduce that ben diet mountain dew would make a strong google search if you were trying to track down my online presence it wouldn t surprise me if this blog were the 1 search result for that particular phrase alas i shall throw caution to the wind and speak as if there is someone listening but only someone i feel safe talking to like any other story the one i m about to tell could be made longer or shorter and the longer version could be made longer still i will aim for brevity but it s never been my strong suit particularly when i m writing about my own life there are so many thoughts and feelings and i have a tendency to try to capture them all but enough of the preliminaries i will skip right to the juicy stuff then backtrack and add details until i grow sufficiently bored the bottom line is this i am actively pursuing a career as an english teacher on the secondary school level preferably high school i haven t applied for any teaching jobs yet but i ve taken steps toward acquiring my teaching license in utah this includes signing up for a praxis exam and doing a background check so long as i pass the exam which i take in early july and the background check which i already have then it s just a matter of filling out some forms and paying some fees before i m officially licensed to teach this is because i already have a bachelor s degree in something it doesn t even matter what my degrees are in provided i pass the praxis isn t that awesome up until a few weeks ago i had no idea it could be this easy fortunately for me a teacher shortage compelled the state of utah in 2016 to allow people like me to acquire teaching licenses in the manner i ve described if that weren t exciting enough i looked into the necessary exam for someone wanting to teach english at the secondary level and i was shocked just how many of the practice exam questions were absolute no brainers to me questions related to poetic structure ...