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an t trust cops it is now time to de bone the rabbit which is not as much fun as it sounds frankly there s a lot of cooking stuff going on at this stage of the episode and it s extremely boring if there s anything worse than watching people cook on tv i ve not heard of it my kitchen rules has yet to figure out that its strength lies in ignoring cooking almost completely anyway the cops are saying they re out to show that cops are ordinary people but i bet it won t work not after the wood royal commission here come the other teams walking down the street awkwardly reading their scripted lines and speculating on how long it will take lauren to say something bitchy alex and gareth are making police jokes and they are very very bad police jokes do we have to commit a crime to get fed tonight what the hell does that even mean lauren joins in with i hope we don t get prison food which is even stupider because sarah and monique are police officers not prison guards if the guests can t even get the demarcation of duties in the justice system right they don t deserve food frankly the judges arrive to the strains of the cruel sea s better get a lawyer because the show s music editor is getting fired tomorrow and is trying to bring everyone down with him lauren reveals that both she and carmine are aroused by manu s hair and we all vomit in our mouths the menu is written in invisible ink requiring special lights to read as a reference to the fact that wait for it sarah and monique are cops and also to the fact that traditionally cops like to make simple tasks difficult to people entree is served and the table erupts with outrage at the fact that the pea and ham soup is more of a puree than a soup because the table is occupied by people who care about that sort of thing i m already angry and i haven t even tasted it says lisa well that just makes you an idiot lisa pete is unimpressed by entree he struggles to find any of that beautiful pea flavour having overlooked the fact that peas don t have a beautiful flavour they taste like peas manu thinks the soup has been destroyed by blitzing it which is monique s mistake she assumed that since everyone at the table has the mental age of a small child they d want some baby food the pea and ham soup which is actually pumpkin soup but isn t actually a soup anyway is deeply disappointing luckily there is some redemption in the fact that paige is sexually attracted to the bread roll lauren claims she could ve made a better pea and ham soup but this is untrue as is the claim that lauren can do anything better than anyone in the kitchen there is trouble as the cops have driven recklessly into problematic pastry valley where many an aspiring pastry maker has come a cropper in the past in the dining room it s been 90 minutes since entree and the diners are going delirious with hunger paige thinks she s a train robber kell claims that she is in a police station everyone is writing hallucinatory confessions in invisible ink dancing around a pig s head is imminent meanwhile in the kitchen monique and sarah have no idea what s going on and there s no room in the oven for the chips the cops are in a panic not realising that they have guns and can easily gain high scores via threats of violence the guests are becoming impatient lauren makes her dissatisfaction known by waving her hands bizarrely in the air the guests discuss the fact that they want their pies to be completely enclosed because that is a thought that has just naturally occurred to them and was no way fed to them by producers in the knowledge that the pies are pot pies main is served in an atmosphere of dread and oppression it s not a pie lauren screams in the studio and pretty hypocritically she s not much of a pie herself pete notes that the cops could ve gone the simple route but they pushed themselves illustrating an important life lesson never push yourself but in a shock twist he loves the pie which is not really a pie the guests like it a lot less rosie has found a bone i ve got a little bone too says nev misunderstanding what the conversation is about nobody can understand why monique and sarah have placed a small circle of pastry on top of pie filling a bowl lauren can t stop waggling her hands around in fact although the guests are disappointed with the food their hatred of lauren might be overcoming that paige notes that if there was grass and a snake in it and doesn t finish her thought i think she s saying she wants lauren to be bitten by a snake and so say all of us meanwhile in the kitchen we are told that cops never give up although modern day policy on high speed chases seems to be contraindicative of this monique and sarah are filling their profiteroles back in the dining room nev is saying duck s nuts while lauren waves her arms like a muppet and lisa attempts to subtly make clear just how much she wants to bring manu to climax dessert is served the only criticism that manu has is that the custard wasn t cooked long enough and that lisa is more aggressive than he would like in a woman pete loves the dessert but it should yet again be made clear that pete is an insane paleo person and doesn t actually know what desserts should taste like the guests eat and carmine and lauren whisper bitchy comments to each other as is the routine on these occasions everyone enjoys the profiteroles except lauren who waves her hands and says a bunch of stupid crap and claims her custard is better the monique and sarah s custard and in general just refuses to shut her mouth scoring time and the guests are not kind to the cops even though they know if they give low scores they ll probably have some crack planted on them pretty soon from the guest teams monique and sarah get only 22 or a double dee as it s known in the mkr business the judges are a little more generous because they know what they re talking about and monique and sarah end up with 62 which is a terrible score but probably better than at least two of the pathetically inept teams still to cook next hazel and lisa who will cook something that lauren will bitch about monique and sarah take their police themed evening too far posted by ben pobjie at 1 31 am 1 comment tuesday january 26 2016 on australia day despite my general loathing of patriotism i quite like australia day it s not the kind of thing i like to participate in but i like the fact it s there because for all the great and mighty flaws of this country there s a lot to like about it for all the deeply objectionable and repellent aspects of australian culture there s much in it to love and admire and for all the times i despair at the ignorance and malice of the australian people there is also courage and kindness and integrity displayed by them every day so australia day i think is a pretty good idea in fact it s a lot like christmas a welcome holiday a good excuse for getting together with loved ones and an opportunity to reflect on what s important to us funnily enough it s also exactly like christmas in that holding it on january 26 isn t really right this isn t because i think australia day is a celebration of an invasion i don t think the australians celebrating on january 26 are celebrating invasion that s the whole problem we re celebrating the good the positive the things we love about our country but we re doing it on a day that has nothing to do with any of those we re not celebrating an invasion but we re celebrating on the anniversary of an invasion and that seems to put it mildly a bit odd january 26 doesn t fit the bill for a national day in any respect it doesn t mark a moment of discovery or of great achievement and it certainly isn t the date of any national act of creation australia the modern country didn t begin on january 26 1788 what happened on that day was the establishment of an imperial penal outpost on land that quite clearly did not belong to the people doing the establishing the people who lived here didn t want the colonisers here and most of the colonisers didn t want to be here either it was an invasion and one that not even the invaders would have taken much pride in frankly there is just no reason for us to feel a passionate connection to the current date of australia day that it was an important moment in australian history is beyond doubt that it was a great leap forward for humanity or an achievement to revere is an absurd suggestion so even if you have no personal objection to australia day being celebrated on january 26 you can t seriously have any deep and abiding affection for it and what that means is that the only people who truly feel strongly about the date are those who are opposed to it those who recognise that it s the anniversary of an invasion that kicked off a shameful history and think that s an inappropriate date on which to celebrate the best in our nation those who see it as a day on which to reflect on the wrongs of the past and how they may be avoided in the future rather than throw a party and most importantly those who are made to feel by the choice of date that they are being excluded that by placing the national celebration on a day of sadness australia is telling them that their people their heritage and their culture are less australian than the rest of us so if you re a non indigenous australian with no particular attachment to january 26 why would you want to make your fellow australians feel that way why would you not want australia day to be more inclusive a more genuinely all embracing recognition of our country s best qualities why would you prefer to continue the divisiveness and make every australia day more combative than celebratory why do you care so much about that particular date that you d rather keep fighting than just pick a date everyone can accept there s just no reason the debate over the date of australia day is one between those who feel passionately about the issue and those who are arguing out of pure pigheadedness i like australia day but while it s on january 26 it ll never be the real australia day that we should have posted by ben pobjie at 3 29 am no comments tuesday december 22 2015 ham wars what happens when you combine the year s two biggest entertainment juggernauts and also you have far too much time on your hands this or something i guess posted by ben pobjie at 4 51 pm no comments thursday december 17 2015 on christmas it s that time of year again this is of course a phrase that will be correct no matter when it is uttered but on this occasion i am referring to the christmas period a season of joy and festivity and people taking unconventional attitudes and thinking it makes them better than you christmas comes around once every year if you re a christian of respectable stock so you might think you re pretty well clued in on all the facts of the yule but think again because i am about to blow your mind with some christmas facts let s get going big guy fact 1 the word christmas comes from combining christ the name of our saviour with mass meaning weight originally christmas was the one day a year when jesus would visit the temple to be weighed if he had put on weight there would be wild rejoicing but if he had lost weight the emperor would have the people whipped for not feeding the messiah properly fact 2 christmas was illegal in australia until 1952 when prime minister robert menzies had a vision of fred astaire singing here comes santa claus after eating an entire bag of magic mushrooms wow fact 3 although we wish you a merry christmas is generally considered one of the most beloved of christmas songs christmas is never actually referred to in the lyrics fact 4 jk rowling has confirmed via twitter that rudolph the red nosed reindeer is gay fact 5 turkey only became the traditional christmas meal after the extinction of the plum cactus i d sure never have guessed that fact 6 although we celebrate christmas in december archaeological evidence indicates that the first christmas celebrations took place in april and that the holiday was known at that time as easter fact 7 different cultures have many different versions of santa claus some far removed from the jolly fat man in red we know so well for example in finland santa is depicted as a jolly fat man in vermilion while the turkish santa claus though jolly on the outside has a seething reservoir of repressed rage in the cook islands children are brought christmas presents by a mysterious spirit called steven asquith who sets fire to anyone who sees him and will leave retirement home leaflets in the stockings of those who give him cookies but all of those pale in comparison to the brazilian santa who doesn t give presents at all but comes down the chimney on christmas eve to stage illegal dog fights in the homes of obedient children that s amazing fact 8 charles dickens s classic christmas tale a christmas carol was originally titled the fun ghosts who gave mr spengler a right old case of the willies dickens was forced to change the title after being informed that the word willies was illegal and in doing so he also changed the book s plot from the story of bilby spengler a clinically depressed barber who learns some difficult lessons after getting a ghost pregnant to the story we know and love today fact 9 the christmas tree is not part of the biblical story of the nativity but comes from an incident later in jesus s life when the christ child won a hundred dollars in a local breakfast radio contest by eating an entire pine tree on air fact 10 advent calendars kill more than sixty thousand people every year facts posted by ben pobjie at 6 36 am 1 comment monday december 14 2015 on shame one of the funniest things about having depression and there are lots of very funny things about it if we re being honest is the way you keep hearing about the importance of fighting the stigma it s hilarious because so many people are scurrying around wittering on about stigma as if that s the greatest challenge as if we who suffer from depression are horribly beleaguered by other people s opinions of the illness if only we are led to believe we could just change attitudes in society it would be so much easier we got to get rid of the stigma we re told this as if the media the internet the very world itself isn t utterly saturated with people starting conversations and exploding myths and shattering taboos and endlessly unstoppably combating stigma at every turn reducing the stigma of depression is one of the twenty first century s greatest growth industries you ll certainly get a lot more praise for fighting depression s stigma than you ll ever get for say treating people who actually have depression the noblest thing you can do with regard to depression apparently is to talk about it because not enough people talk about it and we won t ever slay the depression dragon until we can make sure there s not a single person left alive who doesn t talk about it every day of their goddamn...