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be being let out of prison is a better analogy or not so much let out as the door has just been opened allowing me the freedom to leave on my own but like some caged creatures leaving the thing longed for throughout captivity becomes something to be feared and so only a few hesitant steps are made and whenever anything startles it s back to the cell which is familiar and hated i am happy that those of you who read follow this blog sometimes also comment to me and gently remind me that some of what i say about myself just isn t so i m using old terms from an old and narrow minded way of life to describe what it means to just be a person no need for harsh words and maybe no need for anonymity either but i expect that will be the last gate to pass through until then i need to be nightwings as nightwings i can talk about sex romances and other things and not be too startled posted by wings in the night at 5 01 am 2 comments labels being anonymous being brave changing gender evolution life s journey pretending who i am saturday may 1 2010 why i became what i use to condemn sometimes when my heart is hurting i write i write a lot sometimes i only write a little but when the heart is sick there is still the chance to write something even if it s just a short piece or a poem to express the feelings of anguish it s different when the body is sick a sick body means frequent visits to the bathroom and little time for actual writing maybe a blog post or a mail chat but to actually write doesn t usually happen i ve been making bathroom trips and so i have not been writing my heart is in that numb stage after being hurt you know that emotional catatonic state in which it refuses to acknowledge any feelings whatsoever not easy to write without the passion but like i said maybe there can be a blog post and so here i am again there is a shame in being someone else s one night stand i m not sure exactly why that is other than to guess it has to do with the reaons behind acquiessing when the reasons can pretty much be boiled down to i wanted to feel loved again i guess being a one night stand is something of an indictement against my own intelligence catching someone on the rebound isn t much better not if the relationship doesn t last the feeling becomes that which is suspected of a ping pong ball bouncing from one lover to another do it too often and you get a reputation whore to be honest i used to look down on men and women who behaved like that running from partner to partner how could they do that i wondered didn t they have any desire to just have one person to love and be loved by and now i m the whore and suddenly i understand something i never did before it is precisely the desire to be loved by just one person that inspires the behavior and with each failed relationship the desire becomes stronger and more desperate i don t look down on whores anymore i don t like looking down at me i guess anyway i was thinking about it nobody becomes anything without some sort of history behind them to encourage it this is important for writers to know and understand why is my antagonist the antagonist they re greedy why what caused them to be greedy while the heroine is not why is the heroine going to stick with the story mission instead of just chucking it away in boredom and indifference these things do not always need to be in the story itself but the author should have answers to these questions many authors will write entire backstories for their characters that way the author understands what is in character for each and what is not it is just as important to know why your antagonist has a soft spot in her heart as it is to know why she is such a bitch the rest of the time and if you tell me it s because that s the way women are i will slap your face all behavior has a reason those reasons do not always belong explicitly in a story but they must be there as a background to keep characters in character meanwhile this whore needs to visit the bathroom again posted by wings in the night at 4 56 am 5 comments labels motivation sad people sex sexual shame monday april 19 2010 you can t have it both ways unless you have the money to force it regarding politics social laws and things like that i am a bystander i realize that makes me a disappointment to people who are working very hard and making tremendous personal sacrifices in order to ensure the betterment of living for themselves and or for others but the truth is i don t like attending rallies i don t picket i don t like attending meetings and conferences for anything really in essence i don t join causes even when the cause should be my own never have maybe that will change as i age don t know but i do know i am finding myself speaking out more and more about certain issues and these issues tend to be closely associated with my faith the main issue which inspires me to speak out is the issue of acceptance as a member of the christian faith as opposed to the christian religion i am inspired to try and behave as jesus behaved and regarding acceptance of others there was only one group of people jesus rebuked religious hypocrites so when i read news articles like this one i find myself annoyed enough to want to speak out loud apparently there is this national group calling itself the christian legal society for some reason i find that name scary even foreboding it wants to exclude certain people from its voting membership because they don t act think believe the same way as the group s general membership personally i have no trouble with these kinds of groups excluding others women s groups can exclude men men s groups can exclude women gay groups can exclude non gays and so on and so on where i have trouble is when these groups want government money by definition this money is coming from all of the people the government is not a separate entitity no matter how badly it behaves so by taking money from the governemnt these groups are also taking money from the very people they are excluding i think that s wrong the cls sounds like a disease and i have a sick feeling it just may be one a fatal disease if not treated correctly claims it has the right to only include those it wants no argument from me on that point to paraphrase something my best friend once said to me when we were young anybody who would join that group deserves to belong to it the cls also claims it has a right to receive financial help from the universities and campuses where it holds meetings wrong forming a group which poses no threat and i m not sure cls qualifies in this is a right of all u s citizens and even visitors receiving government money for your group is a priviledge and as such comes with stipulations which must be met the cls does not meet these stipulations of openness therefore the cls should not get any money they say they are christians okay then hear what jesus said about the government then he said to them render therefore to caesar the things that are caesar s and to god the things that are god s that s in the gospel of matthew chapter 22 verse 21 this is a government issue therefore if cls is going to do as jesus would do they should shut up and give up on the money instead of trying to force the government to give it to them the cls claims gay lesbian bi trans etc people are evil no they re not they are normal human beings made in the image of god and due the respect as such what is evil using religion as a cover for lack of faith in order to gain wealth and power while making the lives of others miserable the cls is a legal group they are entitled to exist by u s law but i think their behavior is an abomination in the eyes of god i don t care what they call themselves i see nothing of christ in their behavior and do you know what s sad the court decision is going to be based less on what is right good or morally just and more on who has the most money to get what they want that s another kind of evil posted by wings in the night at 5 42 am 4 comments labels being brave glbt laws true morality sunday april 18 2010 if i am who i am while making love i may not actually be anybody at all recently fairyhedgehog had a post about sex oh damn i just lost my reading audience most of us are fascinated by sex to one degree or another i know i am there s something about sex which seems to get to who we really are i think when we re engaged in lovemaking we have let down our final guards we do if we really give ourselves to the experience anyway some of us are so inhibited we can t really enjoy sex as much as we could but that is not where i intended to go with this post fairyhedgehog began her post with a quote from on russell smith in that quote mr smith makes a statement about not truly understanding a character unless he knows how they are in bed he adds that that is true of his real life friends too personally i find mr russell to be a sick sick man i mean i have talked about sex and sexual activity with some of my friends i even remember talking with my best friend a few days after i had my first encounter but you know what i didn t go into any great detail at the time i was very upset with myself i liked being a virgin and so i focused more on why i gave in and how i was seduced more than the details of what actually took place some people probably do get into the nitty gritty details with their friends about what they do mr russell apparently is one of them personally i don t think i could do that nor do i want my friends doing that with me not that i think it s dirty or bad or anything like that as long as it isn t rape and it doesn t involve children it s probably just fine but sex seems to get right to who we really are it s the final guard to our spirits i think that s why it s used by rapists i seem to recall that most rapists don t actually enjoy the experience either even if they do cum but having consentual sex with another person is probably as close as we will ever come no pun intended to actually touching their spirit we are all locked inside our bodies we can t get out without dying hence the old phrase i m trapped in a woman s body or a man s the spirit inside is at odds with the body nature gave them and now they want out with modern medical science those who can afford it can actually do something about it the rest remain prisoners i don t talk about the details of my sexual behavior not even with my closest friends and they are so grateful to me i don t think many people do especially across gender this is because i think if a woman starts telling a man the details of her bed behavior he s almost certain to assume she s coming on to him and wants him in her bed and if a man starts telling a woman she s almost certain to think the same thing generally in neither case is it all that comfortable conversation i don t talk about the details of what i do in bed because i don t like exposing myself maybe it s subconscious but i don t think i mean to be cute with the double entendre like that i have not had that many lovers in the real world had a few more in online fantasy what i discovered is that lovers are easier to have online i think it s because unlike the real world you can have sex online and still keep the separation of spirit i don t like that it s touching the spirit which makes the sex more meaningful to me but more so online than in real life sexual partners are often only interested in pleasing the body nobody likes to just cuddle anymore i could do that without ever having sex well maybe not ever but you know what i mean posted by wings in the night at 8 11 am 7 comments labels friendship sex who we are thursday april 15 2010 it never was but it never matters losing friends is part of life all life on this planet ends in its time people animals plants relationships ultimately they are all doomed to death some things die in natural course some die before their time but all things die there were people who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago not a single person on this planet today knows they were ever here but they were there was a time when they were alive and living and when they died their life continued in the memories of those who knew them but then those who knew them died and their life could only live on in those who had been told about them and then those who had been told about them died fewer and fewer people talked about them until nobody remembered they were here all that become known was that someone was here but nobody knew who the physical death of a lover is devastating some people never actually recover the best they ever manage is to continue in their own life but they don t really live it anymore the grief just doesn t go away they are lonely i won t say it is more or less painful but when the lover lives but the loving has died it is very much like physical death there is grieving and some people never actually recover we re lonely i have been told by many people recently that if someone truly loves me then in time they will let go of anger hurt whatever negative feelings they have and return to me and if they don t ever return to me then they probably never really loved me in the first place i know they mean well but does making me think they never loved me in the first place supposed to make me feel better the only remaining joy i have of my lover turns out to be a lie that means there are no happy memories when blue eyed boy was very young couldn t walk or use many words i had him with me in a store he was fussy life gets awful samey when you re sitting in a shopping cart and for people that young samey can get bad in a hurry but before his fussed too much he saw something fantastic a giant wind up jumping tigger toy it was being demonstrated wind it up and it would bounce its head a few times and then do a big flip blue eyed boy thought that was pretty cool and by letting him hold on to one and play with it i was able to complete my shopping in peace i had no intention of buying the toy so it never really belonged to blue eyed boy but you all know what happened when i finished shopping and finally put jumping tigger back on the shelf blue eyed boy was upset now i have been lucky with blue eyed boy he has only thrown one tantrum in his whole life that was a difficult time but we got through it well enough it took the most difficult time out i ve ever experienced i sat with him we were both in time out and maybe that s why he never had a tantrum again he knew he was not alone but losing jumping tigger was hard blue eyed boy had come to believe jumping tigger belonged to him so having it taken away was not a matter of him not getting his way it was like losing something he already had he didn t throw a tantrum but he cried he cried a cry he had never cried before and only repeated since when we lost animals due to illness he was grieving did it matter to him that the toy had never really been his that poor communication on my part had helped hi...