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Text of the page (random words):
nowing they ll go to a good home doesn t make it easier even knowing that i have to or else i m getting kicked out doesn t make it easier it feels like a black hole in my stomach like sinking into quicksand the things around me my collections don t feel like items they feel like part of me they feel like parts of my body that i m being forced to excise and send away the things themselves feel burdensome the way that my body feels burdensome too clumsy too much but i can t downsize any more than i can amputate except i have to i don t have a choice there s not a word for how bad it feels that doesn t come off like a maudlin metaphor there s no way to explain that this pile of wrinkled papers feels like recycling my hand getting rid of this box of seashells feels like i m being told i have to send away my lung it isn t out of sight out of mind it stays in my mind instead of cluttering my room it clutters my brain all the things i m forced to part with groundhog day there are books i need to read bags i need to sew hats i need to knit tiny birdcages i need to unglitter bookends i need to repaint clutter on every flat surface i have rules i have to follow stupid rules if i do certain things with no logical basis i ll be being bad not that i think anyone else is bad for doing the same things i m just bad i m bad if i have a sip of alcohol no reason i m almost thirty and i have no problem with people drinking back when i was in school i couldn t miss a class i never skipped if i did it would be because i m bad though i didn t feel that way about my friends who overslept or needed mental health days or just didn t feel like it i only missed a single lecture in college and that was because i had a root canal the day before and i walked to class anyway because i didn t want to miss anything a friend made me go back to my dorm again i do have a spot that i need to sit in not that i ll fuss at anyone if they sit in my spot i just wouldn t know where to go i d quietly panic and stand there until someone said sit by me if i make a mistake and we get in a fight i don t understand that you need space i say i understand but i don t i need to fix it immediately i need to clarify i will talk about it incessantly if you let me i know logically that you need space but the concept of needing space in conflict is as foreign to me as requesting a white plastic spork a kitten a frozen waffle and a tube of tennis balls in the middle of an argument because i ll keep thinking about it forever until the situation is resolved i ll play it over and over again i ll decide you must hate me you ll never talk to me again i m a very bad person the soundtrack to my life is every mistake i ve ever made i d rather be in an uncomfortable even miserable situation than risk change even a positive change i don t like making small decisions i eat the same thing at every restaurant i go to i need to have subtitles on shows i watch because i need to know what they re saying all the time i ll rewind if i miss a word or a detail i ll pause to read the fake newspaper article or sticky note on a side character s desk and if the handwriting is too bad to read i ll still try for way too long and at my worst i ll look up transcripts of the shows or movies and read them later i don t like leading the way if i m walking in a group i don t like crossing major streets alone i ll wait until there are no cars in sight groundhog day a constant loop of repeating of not being able to let go of again and again and again and again an encore for a show i don t want to watch anymore i scratch and pick at my skin and my scalp it gets worse when i m stressed if i see an imperfection i have to get rid of it ironically i have scars because i do that not because i want to harm myself but because i have to i pick at the cuticles of my thumbs press at them with my fingers and i ve done it since elementary school i ve done it for so long that my thumbnails grow damaged and ridged but if i think about it i have to do it not i want to do it i have to it feels like an itch under my skin until i do i ve reread this post thirty times and will probably reread it thirty more before i push submit groundhog day but i can t get out of the loop groundhog day but the credits never roll posted in uncategorized leave a reply hoperocks posted on august 24 2017 by blarglefish reply this project has been on my heart for a while as someone who struggles with anxiety loneliness and feelings of hopelessness i want to put a little bit of light out in the world hence hoperocks this is also hopefully going to help me with letting things go as i plan to place these rocks in areas with foot traffic so people can see them if you find these rocks know that i earnestly mean every word i do love you i do believe in you you matter you re special you are dear to me feel free to join the project if you have rocks paint clear sealer and time if not give me rocks about the size of your fist or larger is ideal though i can work with the teeny ones too with no problems move the rocks somewhere new take and post pictures but above all spread hope and know that i love you also posted to patreon posted in uncategorized leave a reply how to write an interesting character posted on august 16 2017 by blarglefish reply the trick to writing an interesting fictional character is to not give them everything they want there are rare exceptions to this very rare so rare i can t actually think of any off the top of my head but you need to understand this rule to break it the crux of most conflict other than poor communication is an inability to get what you want figure out what your character would answer if you asked them what they desire out of life then figure out what the truth is then figure out what the undercurrent of that desire is what don t they consciously realize they want for example this is what i d say i want love and a family a robot for people to love my writing and art to be less scared of everything and here s what the truth of what i want love and a family a robot for people to love my writing and art to be less scared of everything because i m honest what you see with me is what you get i can t answer the third question for the obvious reason that i don t know what i don t know adeline from my first novel would answer to be a superhero to go to space candy stop asking me questions i ll punch you in the nose the truth of what adeline wants to be a superhero spaceman adventurer to be accepted to not alienate everyone around her what adeline doesn t know she wants to be understood and not pushed too hard to fit in imogene from my second novel would answer dead bodies to cut open money to live booze cigarettes men the truth of what imogene wants dead bodies to cut open money to live booze cigarettes men for people to not act like she s a freak what imogene doesn t know she wants unconditional blind acceptance to be a part of society while still getting to do whatever she wants now that you know what they want the trick is to not give them everything you aren t your characters magic genie they need something to strive for for imogene if i give her someone to love she has to repress her darker impulses so that she won t lose that love if she somehow falls for someone as twisted as she is she has to make sure she doesn t accidentally toboggan down that slippery slope and end up hurting innocent people if she has money she has to work so much that her social life slips she loses the chance at love if she has a flourishing social life she s not taking enough clients she s going hungry imagine your characters wants and needs as a set of plates spinning on poles one of those old circus acts except you re not very good at plate spinning and you can t keep them all going at once one of them has to fall and shatter if you take the time to get a similar plate spinning again you have to let another fall as a writer see yourself as an inexperienced juggler who s taken on a couple too many flaming torches and chainsaws a character s desires are part of a delicate ecosystem what one character wants naturally butts up against what another character wants and there s conflict conflict leads to plot plot leads to the dark side a character can be a happy positive person and still not have their every wish even if it looks that way on the surface dig a little deeper take your character out for coffee and let them talk for a while you ll find something under the surface you know the saying every cloud has a silver lining it s your job to find the cloud once a character has everything they want what s left to write a series of pleasant breakfasts with their loved ones as they slowly grow old in a cocoon of warm contentedness no that won t do no one hungrily awaits the paragraphs of bilbo sitting flush with wealth in the shire after the adventure they look forward to his reminiscing no one s like gee my very favorite part of the harry potter series is that very last chapter when all the issues are fixed or do you know what really gets my heart racing the end of the movie where nemo is reunited with his dad and they re a happy fishy family again the movie s called finding nemo the search is the whole point don t get me wrong giving your characters what they want is a good framing device and it leaves readers watchers satisfied at the end but don t linger there for longer than you have to it s like coasting in your car fine for a while but you eventually have to step on the gas so step on it posted in uncategorized leave a reply writers write and other stupid cliches that are hard to do posted on july 10 2017 by blarglefish 2 another generic romantic comedy about a scruffy faced middle class but slumming it in an apartment he still shouldn t be able to afford freelancing white guy writer who drinks too much and is all raw talent and manic pixie adventuring and he s miserable but still functional and he finds a girlfriend and stops being miserable and everything s okay without him having to put any work in and here i am watching it all and feeling like i couldn t be further from that man on the screen who kisses in the rain and smiles so big he has crow s feet and types until four in the morning and slams a wrinkled manuscript on the publisher s desk and ruins his relationships by being a manchild except he s also charming enough to make it better every single time and drinks whiskey and chainsmokes but never coughs and at the end of the day his issues are wrapped up in an hour and a half of him not really having to make an effort at all it s not like that for me i feel so lonely i think i m going to die but i probably won t die so i need to love myself enough to get my act together in the meantime and if the loneliness is forever if the pit deep in my stomach and the lump in my throat won t ever go away at least i m not lonely and stagnant at least at the end of my life people will look back and say she was sad and she struggled but she did good art and made a few things more beautiful i need to say hey i got out of bed what else can i do today fake it until you make it smile like you mean it writers write every day i miss how passionate i was about writing in college how easy it was then when i had deadlines classes to attend when i was devouring book after book after book hungrily listening to lectures when i had a community of passionate writers around me and we all believed in ourselves or if we didn t we trusted that other people believed in us there was something romantic about it then i had potential and possibility eight years later i don t have the hope i used to have eight years later i feel like a failure eight years later my loneliness is a coat i wear that i can t take off and it s stifling me i have at least six half finished manuscripts that i m too scared to touch because what if i m not good nine months ago i released my second book and i still have tiny edits i want to make before i finalize my hard copy when am i going to do that and what am i so afraid of actually that s not a rhetorical question i m afraid that i suck and that everyone knows and isn t telling me i can t depend on external structure no matter how disorganized i am i can t expect a superhero to swoop down and make it better i can t expect kisses in the rain and easy fixes to the plot holes i can t expect anyone to love me and i can t wait for that magic sky secretary to swoop down and get my affairs in order i can t wait for mary poppins i m not a precocious british child i m a grown ass woman who s afraid to make an effort i have to pull myself up by my bootstraps even though that saying is stupid because how can you pull yourself up by your own bootstraps how can you have the leverage to lift yourself off the ground by your shoes i need to exercise i need to read i need to hydrate i need to remember my anti anxiety meds i need to write i need to pretend like i care until i care so here i am pretending and hydrating and medicating and exercising and writing and reading and maybe one day caring again posted in uncategorized 2 replies the morning after season 7 premiere twd review posted on october 24 2016 by blarglefish reply there ll be spoilers prepare yourself for that but also don t worry i won t make you wait six months to get to the end of the post while i pad the post so the preview won t reveal relevant episode details for those of you who don t want to be spoiled i want you to think about the whole supernatural fandom chanting the same john winchester joke in tandem it was funny at first but i find i can t encourage that kind of behavior yep you got it occasionally actors play more than one role in the history of their careers haha hahaha i say this as an ardent member of the supernatural fandom that s enough padding i think first i want to talk about how lowkey hilarious negan is simon s my right hand man without that what do you have left and you have to make a good first impression when lucille just made a serious impression on some skulls he should just carry around a collection of unplugged microphones so he can drop them when he does a zinger the vampire bat one was rough but he acknowledged it and moved on he really killed out there laughtrack and continuing on look we saw how well his group planned things out when they were blocking our group in the season six finale i truly think negan planned the whole time to bring rick out there with the hanging walker to test his mettle with the smoldering wreckage giving a solid silent hill style smoky atmosphere it was the perfect place for an exam and that right hand left hand joke was absolutely said in reference to what he was planning for carl too i think negan s got it together he s not looking five moves ahead he s looking thirty rick was looking two i m going to miss abraham and glenn they were beautiful hilarious additions to the cast i wish glenn had died before he killed an innocent per...