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Text of the page (random words):
e replaced and since our income was fixed well we got nothing unless it was an emergency purchase or we d saved and saved and then he wanted that savings put back after it was spent yep we had to save twice once to purchase and once again after we d used the savings for what we d meant to use it for so he could have the satisfaction of seeing that bank balance rise so last night when i went to bed i threw all the pillows i d been piling on john s side off the bed and then crawled right into the middle of the bed to sleep and i m here to tell you factually that the dang lumpy middle doesn t sleep a darn bit better than either of the sagging sides so why postpone buying a mattress i don t know i have to figure out how to dispose of the old one for one thing and i worry that the next mattress won t be comfortable either but then we never know if the next mattress will do we i mean it s like being afraid to toss out the old swimsuit that no longer fits well or looks nice but finding a new one means the agony of searching to find something you like can afford and will fit well it s that way with any new purchase and yes i do get anxiety about it not paralyzing anxiety but anxiety gracious no wonder john and i seldom got anything new his anxiety over spending and my anxiety over choosing then i worry that now isn t the proper time to buy a mattress but it s memorial day weekend and all the furniture stores are having sales i could order online and have it delivered right to my door the truth is that i m burnt out it s another decision to be made and i m so weary just now of making decisions monday may 25 saturday i never did much of anything i didn t work on my junk journal or start a new puzzle i didn t color or write or even watch television i did something i know i must have because the day passed right on as it always does but i can t possibly tell you what i did beyond make and eat meals and just wander about or sit and contemplate no loss that evening when i was ready to settle in for the night john s brother called and talked for about an hour john was very patient with his brother during the long phone calls they shared but one doesn t talk to george one is talked to by george goodbyes tend to be said ten or so times before he actually hangs up mostly he s talked about john george is having a really hard time accepting john s death he s angry at john for not going to the doctor sooner at the doctor for not noting that john was not well at john for not going into the va as george urged him to do to increase his disability rating then they would have found it then he wouldn t have died i found it all very taxing to be honest because much as i miss john much as i would turn back time if possible i know that john wasn t being stubborn and the doctor wasn t being obtuse john didn t feel well but he didn t feel sick he couldn t pinpoint any symptom that pointed to heart trouble his symptoms all pointed to hashimoto s disease which was diagnosed and for which he had medication and supplements he was trained to recognize heart attacks and symptoms of heart disease and he just didn t have them by the time we did know he was already at the end i m not angry at john i don t feel he left me as i ve heard some women say who were widowed generally young women i m not mad at god or doctors i m just so very grateful grateful that right up until the end john lived grateful that i had him in my life grateful that i had that last 11 hours the doctor didn t expect us to have at all grateful that i knew he loved me and he knew i loved him grateful that our marriage had been a good one a pretty normal marriage with silly arguments and major crises and heartaches and joys we lived well together all the years i knew him and we hung in with one another when we had personal times that were damned difficult not perfect just normal i m grateful for who he was who he taught me to be who we were together i m grateful that he knew he was saved and that i am saved i have that hope of seeing him again in my future so no i m not angry i can t even find a reason to want to be angry i know that some anger is part of the normal grief process but i can t feel it i miss him oh how i miss him but i m trying my best to do what he wanted what he always told me to do live go on don t wallow in grief and i think i ve honored him by doing just that yesterday we all gathered to celebrate taylor s birthday she was very pleased with her gifts i thought it very sweet that both caleb and bella made her cards and wrote her a note in them of course as always john came up in conversation i think it was millie who spied him in family pictures on katie s living room wall corey cody s friend had picked up a guitar and was playing it softly in the background my family was all around me and i felt very blessed to be there i thought of how proud john would have been of all the children and grandchildren and i thought of how lovely it was to hear a guitar being played i think i miss that as much as i miss john today bess and millie came over for morning coffee i didn t push myself very hard today at all i ve tended to be a little weepy here and there it s to be expected i laughingly told bess when she asked if i wanted to do anything for my anniversary that i didn t know why i felt sad because in all our married years i don t think we ever did anything on our actual anniversary date we were always just back from vacation or just about to go on vacation or john was working or one of the children needed one of us to do something we celebrated eventually with a meal out and sometimes with a gift but mostly we didn t but yes today smarted a bit knowing that i wouldn t ever celebrate our wedding day again beforehand nor late after bess and millie left i did a quick bible study and morning pages and ate my breakfast then i puttered in the kitchen i ve decided to go through the whole house systematically room by room and clear out clutter i started last friday in the laundry and back entry today i tackled the pair of islands we have on the one wall in the kitchen yes there is clutter and there are things that i don t need and won t use and they need to leave my house i started a list of things i need to buy or replace and things i mean to donate when i make some of those purchases like losing an oversized casserole dish once i buy a replacement set for my old casserole dishes that broke and the flatware that always always jumps off the plate usually with a load of food on it and hits the floor because they are so unbalanced with an extra long and heavy handle those can go and the pan i picked up at an estate sale a few years ago but have yet to use after i was done with the task of decluttering i cleaned the islands well inside and out and organized it afresh then i went off to the study i m trying to get in the habit of calling the music room the study to work on my junk journal for may i have thoughts about this a i put it off entirely too long i really enjoy the creative work of it but waiting until near the end of the month to do the whole month is too much at once b this is something i consider fun and terri like i will deny myself the pleasure of having fun over and over again always setting myself tasks of work or errands then failing to keep my promise that i ll make time to play later in the day i didn t get very far today because i am low on ink in the printer i nearly finished two days and have a third day of photos ready but i m very far behind and having to order printer ink is only going to delay it even further but in future i m going to try to make this a weekly joy not a once a month hard crush to get it done i ve taken all of the fun from the creating of this journal and made it proper hard work ugh on the other hand this evening i went ahead and placed an order for a new mattress i found a great sale combined with a coupon on a mattress that katie had pointed out yesterday when we were all talking about mattresses i need decent sleep and to wake up pain free here s hoping thursday may 28 it s the end of a long day i m sort of waiting on bess to come help me but i think she might have forgotten in which case i will just go on and attempt to do the job on my own and what do i need help with flipping the new mattress right side up it came yesterday which was an early delivery the girl who unloaded it from her express truck hauled it uphill to the backsteps by sheer willpower had i been her i d have backed up the extra 20 feet once she got it up the steps i walked it across the porch and into the house this morning i walked it from the laundry area where i d left it into the bedroom and plopped the box on the bed only to realize i couldn t dump the mattress out of the box i managed to cut the box away then the plastic that compressed the mattress but it came out spring side up hence why i texted bess and asked if she might help me but i think she must have forgotten and though i can t sleep on the new mattress for 72 hours i would like to have it facing upward so yeah i may attempt to do the job on my own power since the new mattress was going on the bed today i stripped my bed including the mattress protector and did the washing today it was meant to be sunny all day long until at least 5pm so the weather app said ha as soon as i d hung out sheets and towels on the line it clouded up and rained and rained again and then sprinkled all afternoon long so those things came back indoors to be dried in the dryer i just went ahead and did a friday blessing and this afternoon i finished decluttering the kitchen cabinets i shall work on the pantry cabinets next so far i ve managed to fill a bag with trash and i ve gathered quite a few items for donation i expect from the pantry i can expect to toss expired things i keep meaning to use up and feel iffy about now that i m on my own like tapioca not my thing i had it for john because he liked it there are other things bought specially because john requested them and i won t eat yes the pantry must be tackled then there are a few things to be removed from the back entry namely john s shoes and suspenders and mower parts etc and then that will be one whole section completely decluttered and looking far better but having spent all of this week at home i think perhaps i might maybe go out tomorrow to get out of the house all work and no play makes me overtired and prone to dwell on things not that i m any good at the playing part but if it s not raining i could do something sunday may 31 i think it s time to go get my eyes checked in fact i know it s time i didn t need to have them done last year when my exam was due nor even this year when exam time came around but i can tell that something has changed with my vision so tomorrow i shall start the month off calling the eye doctor and a dentist and setting up appointments to see them both i expect the dentist visit will be put off until much later in the year especially since i m not in pain or needing anything other than routine exam at present but the eye exam will likely be within a week or so it s rained off and on ever since i arrived at church today i was going to go do my grocery shopping but i was put off completely by the fact that it was raining and my raincoat was here at home as was my umbrella i had on a tank with a pretty but very thin kimono top over it and i didn t relish the idea of getting soaked and shivering all afternoon in the ac as i tried to shop so naturally i got in the car and began to randomly drive places anywhere other than home i ended up taking quite a long drive mostly not being rained on but the sky continually threatened rain and there were times i drove through showers of rain i didn t go anywhere specific or do anything special i just drove and thought and thought and drove june is already promising to be a busy month birthdays family visits camp for the kids library days appointments and i m planning to continue with my plan to make one space indoors and one space outdoors better this week i ll clean and sort through the pantry in the kitchen and go through the entry area and tidy that up it s all one room with the kitchen so i tend to batch the laundry entry kitchen sitting area and kitchen together i ll continue work on the front porch and patio again two spaces that are so connected it s hard to think of them separately hopefully i ll get finished with both areas and will be ready move on to new spaces my purpose is to be focused on one space indoors one space outdoors and get all i can done to those areas before moving my attention on to the next space i watched a lovely video yesterday from a new england homemaker who decided to upgrade her kitchen no great renovation went on instead she identified six things that were a continual frustration aggravation to her and her family and she tackled each one she finished off by decluttering the kitchen to further improve things i won t tell you she didn t spend any money because she did but what she purchased were mostly facebook marketplace finds that were very good purchases for far less money than she could possibly have bought anything new i d hazard a guess that all in she spent less than 400 most of the tasks took time and skill but nothing difficult she isn t one of the vlogs i typically watch i was out of the room when the video started and i got interested i ve since subscribed well officially today is the last day of may it s not been a terrible month hard in some ways but mostly it s been okay it s been a month of making plans for the future the immediate future not the far off future and thinking hard about what i want to do how i want to approach life on my own i ve been thinking about how i want to approach canning and freezing for the future obviously i still live in the country far enough from a store that i do want to be prepared but how hard do i want to work at being prepped how involved do i want to be in that side of homemaking now that it s just me i can t help but recall that in reading miss read books the schoolteachers though single women always put up a pot or three of jam each year obviously small batch canning and freezing is something i need to look into perhaps now is the time to order that little book i ve been wanting for years or to dig around online looking for smaller quantity recipes cooking overall needs to be altered i can eat leftovers once and sometimes twice but admit that when faced with a quantity of them i quickly tire of the same thing over again sam suggested more plain cooking and use leftovers for small portion recipes i taught him that principle i should have remembered it myself that s one approach to take by all means it doesn t alter the fact though that a big roasting hen is still a great deal for just one even if i do make planned over meals i ve found making a batch of biscuits at the beginning of a month tends to carry me through the wh...