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it s sooner rather than later posted in uncategorized 5 comments big news posted on march 27 2013 by bonda84 guess what instead of making a turkey for thanksgiving this year we will be having a baby posted in uncategorized 9 comments faint of heart posted on january 25 2013 by bonda84 snowmobiling is not for the faint of heart or for people who are acutely aware of their mortality and afraid of heights like me two weekends ago zac took me on a trip up to north dakota as a belated birthday present for me as a side note the weather was awful and we drove in snow and freezing rain for the last leg of the trip up it was just the two of us and we stayed at his family s cabin and caught up on things with them i was just excited for a weekend away for us and to see his family again i really enjoy them with the exception of his dad without going into detail there are some issues there and he s just not my cup of tea however he was very nice to me as he has been before and we get along fine anydoodle zac had mentioned how he wanted to take me out on their snowmobiles which being a woman who loves fast cars driving them and going mudding in trucks it sounded like fun to me i had never ever been on a snowmobile in my life and i was excited to try it out but alas my excitement wasn t to last and was quickly replaced by fear and trepidation thanks to going in and out of steep ditches and getting stuck within 10 minutes of being out now don t get me wrong i actually really liked speeding along the ice on the lake and hitting the tiny snow drifts on it it was nice and flat and i could see what was around me the trails and ditches however were a completely different story and therefore to be a good sport and to try to really give it a chance i sucked it up and tried to hide my anxiety and fear as best i could while going as slow as humanly possible on my snowmobile that particular factor is probably why i got stuck repeatedly throughout the whole day unfortunately for zac my fears and being exhausted got the better of me momentarily while we went from one steep ditch across the road to the other side where we had to ride the shoulder for a ways because the ditches were way too steep for us to ride in i made the mistake of looking down the ditch and well it scared the bejesus out of me and i promptly had a little breakdown and sat crying in the middle of the road looking back the scene had to be quite humorous and i will give zac tons of extra points for being so patient with me he got me out of the middle of the road so i didn t get hit by a car and convinced me i would be okay which i was until i promptly got stuck again not too far down the road twice the last time i got stuck we were both so worn out we finally called his dad to come help us since we were only about a mile away from the cabin and his sister became my hero she rode my snowmobile back to the cabin and i rode in the safety of his dad s truck when i got back to the cabin i d never been happier for a hot shower and big glass of wine in my defense i will say this the stupid snowmobile i was on was having issues with its accelerator which made it very hard to control at times and aided me in all of my mishaps that night he and his family all praised me for how well i did for my first time on a snowmobile and i got to hear oodles of stories of them all getting stuck in various places and their own mishaps had i heard some of these stories before going out i might not have been so nervous at least now i know if i ever get the gumption to go back out again the rest of our time there went by quickly but it was a great time it was nice just having time to ourselves our next trip i am planning it s a tad more on the safer side as it s a trip to the zoo in omaha however if it s going to happen it will happen to me so i may have a story to tell of falling in the gorilla cage or being bit by some poisonous reptile posted in uncategorized 3 comments holidays and new year posted on january 3 2013 by bonda84 well since my last post the holidays have come and gone and were filled with good food friends and family minus our regular unpleasant and stressful dealings with his ex it was wonderful being able to spend the holidays together with zac this year instead of 3 states away from each other however i m still feeling off since i haven t cooked a big meal for thanksgiving or christmas the turkey is still in the freezer we did so much travelling to see my family i didn t need to cook one of these days i m going to thaw that sucker out and declare my own holiday so i can show off my amazing turkey cooking skills hopefully the thing won t expire by then now we find ourselves at the beginning of a new year i sat there on new year s eve thinking back on this past year and was amazed at how fast it has all gone zac moved down here a year ago at the end of this month we ve been together for a year and a half and so many other things have happened we didn t go out and party it up on new year s instead we stayed home with kids tucked into bed watched the ball drop toasted each other with champagne mine and red bull and vodka his and kissed it was quite possibly the best new years kiss i ve ever had makes a big difference when you re kissing the love of your life that makes you weak in your knees so far i m feeling good about this new year even though i turn 29 on saturday i think it will be another big year of lots of new times together and maybe a few fun changes here and there as well i haven t really made any resolutions for this year but i am going to try to enjoy the good moments more and not worry that by enjoying them i m jinxing them and also post on here a bit more wish me luck posted in uncategorized 5 comments perspective posted on november 8 2012 by bonda84 life has been continuing on for me even though i haven t posted it on here i m still in one of those slumps where i have lots yet nothing to say for posts those moments of genius i have only happen when i don t have the time to sit down and write a post then by the time i can the genius is gone i ve also just been dealing with lots of days where i fight off frustration while essentially i am happy and content with my life i am often times frustrated because there are things that i really want things i know i really want but i really have no control over if i get them or not makes it even more frustrating to me because they seem like such simple things that people all around me are blessed with i have to remind myself that just because i can t have them now doesn t mean that with time i won t someday fate has its own schedule and it obviously doesn t share what that agenda is completely i just have to make peace with the face that i cannot control everything and in doing this i have to remember that the harder i try to control things the more i wind up with the exact opposite of what i want i try to keep an open mind about things and look at my situations from different perspectives this brings to mind the end of the movie under the tuscan sun she has all these things she really wants throughout the movie and gets so angry and frustrated because she doesn t have them until the end of the movie when the one guy points out she actually has everything she wants it s just in different forms than what she expected keep an open mind and live each day as it comes don t spend so much time trying to make a future that you give up what s right in front of you posted in uncategorized 1 comment simple words posted on september 13 2012 by bonda84 words are simple and can be non threatening and mean absolutely nothing until one day a series of them are strung together to make a sentence a paragraph a phrase that can change your world and bring peace to your mind and heart or bring it all crashing down but that s a negative thought and today we are focusing on happy they can take on even more meaning depending on the person saying or writing them that can make or break the words alone thanks to words said by the man i dearly love i ve finally found the peace my mind and my heart had desperately needed for some time without going into a lot of details that don t seem to matter as much now i will explain it as this zac and i s relationship did not start out in the fairy tale manner i had originally been led to believe and due to things i had found out over time i was deeply hurt and trust was badly tarnished it was a help that these things that hurt me happened before he ever moved here and that his actions since he s been here have been true but still what was done before he got here did its damage and ate away at a part of me part of this was due because he took that approach so many people do he ignored it and just wanted to leave it in the past this way doesn t work so well for a very word emotion oriented person like me and made me feel as if he didn t care that it hurt so bad or that it wasn t a big deal however i finally heard words from him over the weekend regarding it all that i d needed to hear that he did care that he d made such stupid mistakes and it hurt him that he d hurt me there weren t a lot of words said but the ones that were came with sincerity that i heard in his voice and saw in his eyes it s amazing the relief and peace i felt with just a few simple words now i can truly start to mend and heal the wounds that have been eating away at me i can enjoy what we have now and look forward to what may be in our future now if his ex will stop being such a bitter person and causing unnecessary trouble and stress it will be even better posted in uncategorized 3 comments bonding posted on august 6 2012 by bonda84 lily s birthday party on saturday was a hit she swam with friends had pizza cake and lots of presents i was so happy it was such a good turnout for her she kept telling us it was the best day of her life and she absolutely adored the cake that zac made for her i was even impressed with his baking and decorating skills the only thing that could have made the day better was if i hadn t have been sick as luck would have it i woke up that morning feeling awful with a head cold however the events of the day made it bearable although i don t think the ice cold water in the swimming pool did much to help it we tried to sleep as much as we could yesterday after we got back home but that s easier said than done when you have a one year old and a five year old running around we have his son a with us for his first extended stay we have him a whole week from last friday until this friday it feels as if it is going to be a very long week he is a sweet good baby however he has already mastered the melodramatics at a very young age when he doesn t get what he wants he has learned to cry whine at the same time and throw himself on the floor in a fit i haven t decided that it s better or worse that he can t speak yet when this happens either way i think this would still grate on my nerves i m not big on whining at all i was raised never to whine and that s how i raise lily and she knows there are consequences when she does whine however it s very hard to find an effective method to correct a 14 month old who can only say the words mama and fish this melodramatic act of his doesn t do much in the way of helping me bond with him either i do love him but as most step parents would tell you it takes time to bond with your significant other s children in some cases i think it s even more difficult when they are young like a is and we have such limited time with him to begin with being a step parent is such a big task to take on and there are days i envy zac on how simple he seems to make it look with lily they have their times where he could do better and they still have a ways to go but for the most part they have a very good relationship with each other with a and i it is very touch and go as it is with babies that are even your own flesh and blood right now he is in that very clingy phase where he wants zac and the minute he leaves the room or doesn t give him what he wants the fits and crying begin i try my best to soothe him but there are a lot of times he just has to calm down on his own and wants nothing to do with me this is where i feel silly because it hurts my feelings and then there are the times i feel even more ridiculous because i am jealous of a baby then i worry about trying to make sure i treat him and lily as equals and i fear i fall short of that goal a lot of times it can all be a very frustrating thing and makes me want to never have any more children ever then about the time where i m at the end of my rope one of those little moments comes a long that makes it all worthwhile and gives me my hope and sanity back one of those moments came this morning when i was dropping him off at his daycare he will be going to for the week it is a new place for him and he didn t want to let go of me he clung to me and really just needed me to comfort him in that moment that went such a long way to melt my heart and realize that maybe we are making progress after all when he laid his little head on my chest and snuggled in to me i felt that wave of motherliness that goes through me with lily and it made it very hard to let him go i will look forward to more of these little moments and try to remember that it will all happen in good time posted in uncategorized 1 comment five posted on august 3 2012 by bonda84 today my lily turns 5 years old like every year before this one i sit and think i can t believe it has all gone by so fast however there s something even more jarring about this birthday she s 5 that s half a decade and it flew by in the blink of an eye i also see and notice the changes in her every day abandoning her toddler ways and growing into a little lady complete with attitude j she is not so patiently awaiting her birthday party tomorrow her presents and her cake we decided to give her a pool party and zac is making her cake i m excited to see how he decorates it myself i did a boo boo with her presents the other day i had taken a picture of them on my phone to send to my ex so he didn t get her the same stuff well silly me forgot to erase them and she ran across the pictures so naturally i did what any other parent would do in that situation and i lied to her i told her they were for someone else thankfully she didn t burst into a fit of tears and instead just said ok and told me how much she would like them for herself at least we know she will like them in other areas things are going well my best friend was back with her husband from tennessee for a visit with her little boy and new baby i hadn t seen her in a year and i have missed her terribly we didn t get to spend as much time together as we would have liked but it was still wonderful to see her felt like no time had passed at all and we fell right back into step with each other it helps we text talk on a daily basis and i was absolutely thrilled lily got to pl...