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Text of the page (random words):
d interaction and patient care i also needed crossfit i was so excited that once i was healed i was going to be pain free and had every hope of returning to my home at cfm it has been so long since i had been able to consistently been able to work out because of my back i m not stupid or naive i knew i would never be the same and that i would have to continue to modify of course but i just longed to belong again babies are you kidding me i love being an aunt and can t wait to me a momma still to this day have a hard time talking about this so yes through all the physical pain worse is what i m facing in the now this is as honest as i have ever been with the world to anyone reading the week of thanksgiving was dark for me i can t even begin to explain what i felt i had never in my life felt so low driving home one night i realized i didn t care if i lived anymore i can honestly say i wasn t about to go hurting myself but i did not feel safe i felt disconnected from my brain i was broken i have the most amazing family and support but it wasn t enough i felt weak and like i was disappointing everyone around me and i had no idea how to fix it i knew brandi was still inside but i didn t know how to shake it i spent many a nights at my parents house side by side with my mom i cried on her shoulder as i couldn t sleep my heart would pound out of my chest and i would go into full blown panic attacks i did my best to continue on with life and pretend it was great pretend i was grateful for this trial when in fact i felt like it was given to the wrong person today i still battle anxiety depression i wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest and it comes out of no where the word goal freaks me out because it pushes me and i m so afraid of messing up my back and ending up paralyzed i m not a candidate for a fushion nor would i want one there is no plan b or c i have to lose weight which ps is next to impossible when you are living off medications to decrease inflammation which coincidentally not only cause you to want to eat the kitchen sink but also cause weight gain that isn t an excuse and i know i could have been eating better but when you are down right depressed and barely getting by a cookie or ice cream seems to make everything better i didn t waste my time typing this for sympathy that is not why i was given this trial i wake up every morning evening i work nights and as it takes a good 20 minutes of stretching and trying to get up before i can stand straight i think why why me why this why now those answers have still yet to be answered but i am doing my best to be grateful for this struggle as i feel it will make me a better person i will be a better daughter sister friend and nurse i have a greater understanding of life those words are more then words depression and anxiety suck they sneak up on you without warning but i will not let them define me today is a good day i don t know about tomorrow but i do know that i do have support and don t have to go at it alone and that is what i am grateful for posted by brandi lemire at 11 50 pm no comments thursday february 28 2013 busted when i started this journey i thought for sure that i would be alot further in my journey than i am i was determined and nothing was going to stop me but instead my frustration got the best of me and the last couple months have certainly not been my most successful but actually the exact opposite things piled up i started a new job then there was thanksgiving christmas cold flu season and then of course i decided to be a big girl and move out of casa de parentals as if that wasn t enough i had quit the chiropractor i was going to because i really saw no end more on that later let the record be straight none of that is an excuse i am not being hard on myself but truthful the only way i am going to meet my goals is to be honest with myself and realistic i was frustrated with the pain i was in and the stress took over and everything else in the world became more important anyone who knows me knows that i hate the word failure so i have been quite upset with myself the last couple months i have slowly had to come to terms with the fact that my back is no longer an injury but a condition it is with me and although i may feel good one day the next day i may feel the exact opposite it is not an easy lesson to learn and seriously brings me to tears there is so much i want to be able to do but my body will just not allow me a this point in my life it sounds easy and i can t begin to explain why i can t seem to keep a grasp on it but i see so many amazing athletes kicking ass and even though i know i have come a long way it makes me sad to watch people be able to do things that i can not the insecure brandi kicks in and i begin to feel judged and think that everyone wonders what i am even doing there i know this is not the case but sometimes we re our own worst enemy and i know that is my biggest problem even though i feel like my back is my biggest set back its my insecurity that continues to bring me down i am lucky to have been introduced to a myopractor that has so far been what i needed but unfortunately my bones are just as stubborn as i and they are easily moved which is good for him while he is adjusting me but bad for me because any wrong move that i make can result in extreme pain fun right i have so many questions and with everything i have been through in my past and especially my divorce my 1 question is why why can t i catch a break why can t i just work out the way i want why must everything in my life be so damn difficult and why must there always be a lesson to learn i know it wouldn t be worth it if it was easy but i m not even asking for easy i would just like for maybe someone to understand what i m going through and how hard it is to sit and watch what you wish you could be doing i do have an overwhelming amount of support within my crossfit family just sometimes i have blurred vision to that i wish it weren t the case but i m far from perfect and man oh man i have a lot to work on my goal for the next month is to not get down on myself and to be content with my current situation i will not be able to move forward until then i will restart paleo and stop making excuses for goodness sakes i started cold turkey and kept with it almost 6 months i know i got this i need to believe in what my coach tells me and even if i can t work out one day if i am strict with my diet then i will still progress cheating just brings me down posted by brandi lemire at 6 29 pm 2 comments monday october 8 2012 two weeks pain free i had a lot of doubts that it would happen but it has been 2 weeks and i have had zero pain i tried my best not to get too excited and take it one day at a time but i can t hold in my excitement any longer it felt like it took forever and being stubborn did not help i finally had to quit being me and just listen to what my dr and aj were telling me boy oh boy am i glad i did not being in pain mixed with my added confidence has made these last couple weeks some of the best i ve had in a long time posted by brandi lemire at 9 17 pm 1 comment thursday september 20 2012 roller coaster anyone i have always loved roller coasters and even got excited about going on one after i started losing weight but right now every day feels like a roller coaster and i just want off up until now i have used my blog to only document the good or happy moments i ve had the last three months but i haven t really be honest or true to myself i don t know who i was kidding when i thought that losing half my body weight was going to be easy i felt it would be like school you go to class take notes study and take a test piece of cake right not so much there is so much that i can t control that i find myself using the word frustrated almost daily i honestly hate the word and cringe when i say it now yes i still use it and one day i will be creative and come up with something different but right now that is all i ve got i have been overweight and unhappy all my life i m really good at hiding it and have always been complimented on how happy i am and what a great smile i have but on the inside i am the most inadequate person you will meet i have terrible anxiety and the idea of meeting new people skinny people can send me into a panic attack i have stressed and struggled with ulcers since i was 17 and a junior in high school so you would think i would have done something to change it instead of waiting 10 years but quite frankly i am stubborn as hell and apparently like to take the hard road after finishing nursing school i decided that if i could endure that then i could definitely lose weight and be skinny news flash the idea looked a lot better in my head i m not trying to say that its impossible i m just saying that i am hitting major road blocks and some days its hard to know where to go or what to do next when i started i was told that i needed to change my diet and honestly that was the easiest thing i live the paleo lifestyle and i m happy and believe in it i also knew that i would be working out and that excited me i believe i ve always been a skinny girl at heart because i love being active i was ecstatic to learn that there would be ways to teach and train my body to do a real pull up at some point i was excited to be able to run i knew it was going to be hard but i knew that i could do it i believed in myself that i was strong enough and wanted it bad enough that i would do it i m not a quitter so i was not going to sign up for something and be a fool i however was not prepared to hear that i have a back condition that was going to not only take up time but be physically painful as my dr pointed out today i am better then i was when i walked in his door 2 months ago but i am nowhere near where i want to be and it is a constant battle i try to set goals and i feel myself fighting with my full heart and with everything that i have and i just can t seem to reach them some days i hear the word goal and it makes my stomach ache because i already feel like a failure i wanted to lose 70 pounds in 90 days and that didn t happen i didn t even come close and no matter what i say to myself i can t seem to make myself ok with it i wanted it so badly and i know there was more i needed to do it was just things i was incapable of doing at the time i struggle everyday the question when i wake up is are you in pain if the answer is yes i will have an internal struggle about how much pain i m in is it enough that i can still work out is it noticeable how far can i push it before i m out for a week because i m hurting even worse when i wake up and i m not in pain i go crazy and fit in all the exercising i can because i don t know what the next day will bring right now my dr is stumped and doesn t know what to do i am so grateful for him and his honestly and that he has my best interest at heart but that is not news you want to hear when you are in pain i have so much respect for him in seeking a second opinion to as why my back keeps relapsing and why we can t get more than a couple good days before the next couple bad i cried when i got the news i cried when i called aj and i am crying now shocker ps i don t like to cry if i had more time i would google how to dry my tears my focus almost 100 of the time is on losing this weight i have never been a role model hero or someone that people looked up to i was always just brandi the girl who most the time gets walked all over because she has no guts to say no and wanted everyone to like her it is crazy to me that people would look up to me or that my story would help someone i know what i am doing is difficult but for the most part i still feel a lot of anger at myself for becoming this person so why would someone think that a girl who allowed herself to get to 300 pounds is amazing although i am losing this weight for me i feel like i don t want to let anyone down 59 pounds is a lot of weight but i promised my coach i could lose more and that i would lose more i know failure is good because it means i tried something but i would much rather win i am a sore loser and hate being a disappointment i guess what i m trying to say is i really appreciate all the love and support i ve received slowly and surely i m starting to feel like somebody and its kinda hard when you haven t always felt that way i promise i will not quit i will see this thing through but i m going to need to let go and be ok with the trials that are thrown my way i don t know how or when that will happen but i will keep you posted posted by brandi lemire at 10 13 pm 1 comment tuesday september 18 2012 my 3ish month weigh in i am down 59 lbs and so totally ecstatic the best part is i am officially no longer in the 300lb category and it feels amazing i have another 3 months before my next weigh in and i am going to stay strong and keep fighting there is a skinny girl in here and she is ready to come out posted by brandi lemire at 9 13 pm no comments tuesday september 11 2012 so delicious today was a long day and i didn t get off work till 7 30 the last thing i wanted to do was go home and cook dinner but i am so glad i did i don t remember the last time i made a hamburger but for some reason that s what i wanted i literally just threw some things together and this is what i came up with you should totally try it this photo does not do it justice 1 2 onion 1 roma tomato 8 diced white button mushrooms 1 clove garlic salt and pepper 1 egg lettuce coconut oil 1 2 lb hamburger i sauteed the onion tomato mushrooms garlic in coconut oil and seasoned lightly with salt and pepper i let it cool a bit then added it to the uncooked hamburger meat i formed them into 3 hamburgers and on the grill pan they went i used lettuce as my bun and topped the burger with an egg over medium so dang tasty posted by brandi lemire at 9 50 pm no comments sunday september 9 2012 hieroglyphic canyon i am on this journey to lose weight and with that i am going to be able to do things i ve always wanted to do one of them is hike do you know how ridiculously hard it is to hike when you are overweight i have been on hikes in the past and i always had a good time and i would always make it to the end but i would be behind everyone and the last one to finish i was always proud of myself for finishing but it would kill me inside and felt like i held everyone back today i went on an early morning hike with my friend from work he loves to hike and all week i warned him how bad i was i knew the hike was pretty easy and that i d be able to do it i was just worried about my huffing and puffing that s what has always slowed me down in the past did you know you have to be able to breath to hike lol anyway we get there and before we start the hike i again apologize and warn him that we may have to stop if i can t breath he kept telling me i was ok and that he didn t mind well guess what i did s...