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s our prayers it might not be in the way we want him to answer and not in our time frame but he always answers i have learned to trust in the lord through my prayers because he has never left me alone when jesse was 3 he lost a toy and was crying i told him that if he said a prayer to heavenly father he would be able to find his toy after the prayer jesse went into our pantry and found his toy then he said another prayer thanking god for helping him find his toy it is never too early to teach our children the importance of prayer matt 7 7 8 life life here on earth is test to see if we can follow and obey the commandments of the lord each of us has our own purpose and destiny that was given to us before we came to earth i know i chose to have the trial of als our heavenly father would never give us a trial that we could not handle god wants us to be happy through out our lives that s why he gave us a savior the ultimate lesson i have learned in my life is that i am a daughter of heavenly parents that love me and want me to return home to them right now my life is great i have the greatest husband and best friend who has sacrificed his life to take care of me full time i am truly blessed to know that i will have tim by my side through out all eternity he is the love of my life and jesse is the joy of my life my analogy of life is life is like a song and we are all in this grand choir everyone has their own part to sing our heavenly father is the conductor sometimes we loose the notes to sing or where we are in the song jesus christ is at the organ and he will play our part when we get lost and help us get on key again this book is my life and my song posted by timw8 at 1 07 pm no comments chapter 6 miracle on 34th street every little girl dreams of being a mother when she grows up i was no different my testmony of motherhood was strong i knew that i would be a mother whether it be in this life or the next just like girls wanting to be mothers my husband tim wanted to be a father we discussed having kids many times but i would always turn him down because my parents thought i wouldn t survive childbirth easter 2008 came and the discussion of having kids came up once again this time i fully trusted in the lord i knew that if it was the lord s will for me to have a child i would my heart was convinced that i would not get pregnant but i had to try to show tim that i truly loved him and would sacrifice everything to make him a father on mother s day i went to church and remember our bishop speaking about motherhood and said that if you re not a mother in this life you ll be a mother in the next life his eyes were filled with tears and the light reflected off a tear drop running down his cheek and like a laser beam shot at me it gave me hope that this would be my last mother s day without a child later that week we went to visit my parents to let them know our good news i did not expect their negative reaction i tried to reassure them that the lord would protect me if i was meant to have a baby the night before memorial day tim was brushing my teeth before bed when all of a sudden i heard a voice whisper you re pregnant i started laughing tim wondered what was so funny i told him what i heard and he went out and bought two pregnancy tests in the morning i waited on pins and needles for the results we were pregnant after visiting the doctor i realized i was pregnant on mother s day and that s what that laser beam meant telling our parents evoked two opposite reactions tim s parents took us out to dinner and celebrated by buying us our first baby gift my parents reacted to the news by saying you better not be pregnant being pregnant was one of the best times of my life i only had morning sickness for four weeks which was a miracle in itself at 16 weeks tim s parents took us to find out the sex of the baby we were surprised to find out we were having a boy because we always imagined that our first child would be a girl we even had a name picked out for her faith ann waite after the ultrasound tim s mom took me out to shop for baby clothes and bought our first blanket a blue one we had so much to do to prepare for this little guy to come home we knew that we would need a nanny to help out with the new baby many friends came to my mind but i had not received an answer from the lord yet one of my friends named amie i had known since she was a young girl we had reconnected in 2006 when tim started working with his father in bakersfield one afternoon tim and i had lunch with amie and all of a sudden tim asked her to be our nanny i was in shock because we had not discussed this before hand amie got me alone and asked f i knew that tim was going to offer her the job i told her no she let me know that she had been praying for a job that would allow her to spend more time with her daughter leora right then i knew that heavenly father was answering both of our prayers amie and her daughter moved into our house in december by this time i was miserable the baby was always kicking me in my ribs and it was hard to breathe on january 5th 2009 i could not handle being pregnant anymore tim drove me to the hospital which happened to be on 34th street and i was checked in the doctor scheduled a c section for the next day my parents drove in from out of town i was surprisingly very calm until the anesthesiologist told me that i would be put under to have the baby not just a spinal i wanted o be awake to hear my baby s first cry this also meant that tim could not be in the delivery room which was disappointing to him as they rolled me out of the room i said my good byes and i love yous to all that were there before i went under i looked at the clock it was 2 25 p m when i awoke it was 4 10 p m i thought to myself wow i was asleep a lot longer than they said i would be the doctor asked me to take deep breath i tried but i couldn t and then i began to panic they rolled me up to the icu questions filled my mind where s my baby where s tim why can t i breathe on my own what went wrong the doctor informed tim around 3 o clock that thy were having difficulty bringing me out of the anesthesia this was tim s experience he was waiting right outside the operating room by the nursery at 2 31 pm he heard the baby s first cry the nurses brought out the baby and brought him to tim for the first time he posed for some pictures with the baby taken by my parents and tim s who were in a separate room parted by a big glass window the nurses then took the baby and weighed him and measured him and did all the normal things the nurses determined that he was healthy and gave him back to tim to hold after i was moved to the icu the doctor pulled tim aside and asked him how i was before surgery when tim told the doctor that i was able to breathe on my own and able to walk and talk he was a little confused this doctor was the on call doctor and had only seen me like this he gave tim the grim news that i could be on a ventilator for the rest of my life tim now was dealing with his feelings of anger that i might never be the same and pure joy of being a father instead of being together s a family for the first night i was alone in the icu at least tim was able to care for jesse through the night my parents visited me in the icu i knew what my dad was thinking even though he never said word he sat in a chair crying and i know he felt his fears of losing me were coming true my mom was the strong one she told me all about jesse and how i needed to fight so i would be able to see him we prayed together which really gave me comfort i did not sleep that night the spirit was strong and i got the distinct impression that i had a choice to make i could choose to live and help raise my son or i could finally rest from this mortal body to be with my heavenly father again all the prayers from my family and friends worked the next day i was taken off the ventilator which meant i would finally be able to see my son he was absolutely beautiful my first memory of being a mom was when i said jesse it s mommy he opened his eyes and looked into mine because he recognized my voice we named jesse after tim s great grandpas it was a bonus to find out that jesse meant gift from god because he truly was there were many miracles on 34th street that we all witnessed posted by timw8 at 1 06 pm no comments chapter 5 messages in music since i was a child i used music as an outlet for my emotions after i learned to play the piano i could sit down and play and sing for hours and all my troubles would disappear music has a great power i believe that s why they call music the universal language music holds memories and emotions that can never be erased for example every couple has their song when tim and i hear madonna s crazy for you it brings back memories of dancing in the moonlight whenever i hear the song the prayer it makes me feel like my grandma is watching over me from heaven even heavenly father uses music to send us messages sometimes my trial of living in a body that is a prison gets overwhelming tim will turn on pandora and bam a song will come on that brings peace to my heart and soul and my burden is lightened i know this isn t by chance the lord sends me love and peace through music these are called tender mercies the lord can even manifest truth in songs i was singing joseph smith s first prayer and my spirit was transported into that sacred grove the spirit of god overwhelmed my body and i knew then that joseph truly saw heavenly father and jesus christ in that grove of trees i have received much wisdom of the gospel of jesus christ through hymns and other inspirational songs when people come up and tell me what an inspiration i am to them i feel like a fake people always see me smiling but what they don t realize is that i even have my bad days and sometimes weeks some years ago i was in a depression for months i continued to pray to the lord to let me go home to him i did not want to live in this body for one more second one morning i was awakened by the lord saying why do you resign yourself to death when you know i keep my promises i remember getting up and having a song repeat in my mind over and over take a look through my eyes it was a song that i didn t know but i knew where i could find it because my nephews played the brother bear soundtrack repeatedly while we were camping that past summer so i went online and looked up phil collins look through my eyes this is what i found there are things in life you learn and oh in time you ll see it s out there somewhere it s all waiting if you keep believing there will be times on this journey all you ll see is darkness but out there somewhere daylight finds you if you keep believing so don t run don t hide it will be alright you ll see trust me i ll be there watching over you just take a look through my eyes there s a better place somewhere out there just take a look through my eyes everything changes you ll be amazed what you find there s a better place if you look through my eyes all the things that you can change there s a meaning in everything and you will find all you need there s so much to understand take a look through my eyes you ll be amazed what you find if you look through my eyes i knew i had to make a change in my life my attitude went from negative thinking to looking for the positive things in my life with all the trials that i overcame i realized that i m stronger than i thought and that my relationship with the lord grew i truly began to trust in the lord and gave my life over to him mother s day was always a hard time for me i would start feeling sorry for myself even though i believed every woman would have the chance to be a mom whether it be this life or the next one sunday morning i walked into church feeling sad that i didn t have a child to hold so many girls that i taught in young women s had children on their laps we began to sing the hymn i believe in christ our voices filled the air with this joyous hymn as i sang the last verse the words sank into my heart i believe in christ he stands supreme from him i ll gain my fondest dream and while i strive through grief and pain his voce is heard ye shall obtain i heard his voice say ye shall obtain the lord reassured me that my dream of being a mother would be realized all i needed to do was trust in him and look through his eyes posted by timw8 at 1 05 pm no comments chapter 4 angels among us since i was a child i ve believed in angels my mother told me of encounters she had with angels she was visited by her grandfather the night he passed away in the morning and she got the phone call that he had died she already knew one night when my baby brother christopher was sick my mom looked over at his crib and saw three heavenly beings watching over him then there was my great uncle earl collinsworth who had a great change of heart because of an angel that visited with him on many occasions this angel wore clothes that you might see in jesus s time even the leather sandals this angel taught him the gospel of jesus christ and told him the book of mormon was true my great aunt vela who was married to earl was a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints and had high moral standards however my uncle earl cussed like a sailor and loved his alcohol my aunt vela gave him an ultimatum that he needed to change his ways or she would take the kids and leave he began to pray and asked for help with his addictions and that s when the angel started to visit him his conversion and change of heart led to many in my family to return to church i believe that angels are around us everyday some are heavenly messengers while others are evil angels that try to tempt us to do wrong and doubt your self worth the angels that i come into contact with on a daily basis are friends and family that serve me with a willing heart one day when i was at church this man who ive never met knelt down by my wheelchair and looked directly in my eyes he told me that jesus loved me and that my trial would be a long one i wanted to say no i m going to be healed soon but then i realized this was a message from my savior my uncle earl had a unique relationship with me and my family he was more like a grandfather to me he always wanted me to sing for him every time we said goodbye he would take my face in his hands and look into my eyes and say i love you at his funeral a friend of his whom i had never met before stopped me as i was leaving he took my face in his hands just like my uncle earl did looking into my eyes he told me he loved me this stranger gave me a message from my uncle earl it s hard to deal with a body that will not do what you want it to for this reason i ve suffered with depression and low self esteem satan knows my weaknesses and he preys on that one day i was watching my family playing together outside with my dog toby while i was inside stuck on a couch i longed to be outs...