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of thought maybe we weren t able to have children up to that point because heavenly father knew it would be a trial for us to be apart so we figured the timing was just off and that we would be able to conceive once he was home we tried unsuccessfully for about a year and then started seeing doctors at that point we found out that brett had a very low sperm count and that we needed to seek out a specialist things were put on hold again when brett s unit was activated to go to iraq for real this time brett was worried about me living alone so he got me a puppy liberty who i fell in love with she became our baby lol i think that must be a trend with couples who can t have children we were separated for 18 months and it was the hardest time of our lives it was torture to be apart for so long but we were able to email talk on the phone or chat online every few days its hard to believe we went through all that we are so grateful for that time and feel we have been very blessed because of it the number one thing we learned was to never take each other for granted while brett was gone i was at a nieces baptism when a little boy who was adopted stood with his father and i felt the spirit stronger then i have ever felt it was like a really warm blanket was wrapped around me and i knew right then that we would have a child come to our family through adoption i just sat there crying it was such a shock because i had not even been thinking of our fertility problems my new worry had obviously been the safety of my husband i told brett about it on the phone the next time we spoke and he was very surprised we hadn t really discussed adoption we had just assumed that everything would work out and we would get pregnant when he got home so we decided to save as much money as we could while he was gone so that we would be in a position to adopt some day a few months after brett was released from active duty we consulted a specialist who delivered some devastating news he was quite shocked by our fertility problem apparently brett s sperm count etc was one of the lowest cases he had seen and he gave us a below 1 chance of ever getting pregnant on our own he said the good news was that we did have that small chance we both kind of laughed probably to keep from crying because it didn t sound like good news to us he said he could up our chances a little with invitro but not much but we decided not to go that route we knew we were supposed to adopt and we loved the idea of creating a home for a child that needed it that isn t to say that we weren t very sad by the news our specialist gave us because we were and every time someone announced a pregnancy we were ashamed at the sadness and jealousy we felt we gave ourselves a new puppy roxy as a feel better present and hoped that she would help liberty adjust to a possible baby around the house we got in touch with lds family services soon after and began all the paper work we finished everything very quickly and soon found ourselves checking our online profile and email every day we became a little obsessed but you can see how it would be hard not to the next 5 months ended up being the hardest we had experienced in our marriage i know that may sound strange since we had just over came an 18 month separation where we feared we may be separated even longer by death i guess its just that every trial you face seems awful when you are in the middle of it but once you make it threw you view it as a blessing anyway we were chosen and un chosen by 5 birth mothers over those 5 months each time we were chosen we were so excited and wanted to share our joy with all those we loved which ended up a mistake when things fell through for one reason or another we were crushed we imagined it to be like actually losing a child we became very discouraged and decided we couldn t handle any more bad news so we were going to ask to be removed from the website and instead spend our money on a trip to brazil where brett served his mission we had organized all the details of our trip and were set to call our travel agent the next day but we hadn t removed ourselves from the website yet we received an email that night from a birth mother it was very short she just wanted to know how we felt about open adoption and what it would mean to us and she let us know that she was also talking to other families i am embarrassed to say that we didn t even want to respond we were scared of being hurt again but thankfully we responded and brett said he felt that we should not call the travel agent that he had a good feeling about this i was a little frustrated because i was sure the same thing would happen again and i knew i couldn t handle one more let down but i trusted brett and told myself to relax this time we didn t tell anybody we kept it a secret we emailed back and forth for 3 days and on brett s birthday she asked us to be her baby s parents it happened so fast but it also felt so different we found out that she had been looking at our profile for 2 months and had been praying the whole time she stayed up late one night looking at profiles and fell asleep i guess the computer froze and when she woke up the next morning it was our picture she saw and she just started crying and knew we were the ones we were shocked when she told us she was due in a month and we asked her if she wanted to meet us before the birth she was very excited by that so we decided we would drive to colorado in two weeks in the mean time we emailed back and forth everyday sometimes more then once we gave her our blog address and she found out that we enjoyed the same tv shows and books now this is embarrassing but to this day i credit the twilight saga books for the relationship i have with my son s birth mother when she saw that i had read them and was a big fan she was so excited they were fairly new then and they became the topic of our emails we were totally embarrassing brett would laugh hysterically when he read our emails because we were so crazy about edward lol when we met her 2 weeks later in colorado all our worries flew out the window we knew without a doubt that she was carrying our son she later told us she felt the same way like we were all long lost friends we took her and her sister with us baby clothes shopping to dinner and then went to a nugget s game we had so much fun with them it wasn t awkward at all we told her the names we liked and she told us hers it was very peaceful we told our families we had gone to salt lake to see some friends it was so hard not to tell anyone what we had really been doing in the weeks before she gave birth our relationship flourished it truly felt like we had always known each other we asked her if she would be ok with us naming the baby raife and if she would give him his middle name she was very touched and happy to be a part of it about a week before she was due we decided to tell our immediate family and they were all very happy but worried things wouldn t work out we assured them things were different this time we went shopping for necessities that week and got the car packed raife s birth mother or as we like to say tummy mommy called me at work on february 15th around 4pm and said she had been in labor all afternoon but was just now headed to the hospital i called brett and told him to meet me at the house we had asked my mom to come with us so i went and picked her up and we were off within the hour it was a 10 hour trip with all the bad weather but we made it to the hotel before she gave birth and she texted us to get some sleep and that she would let us know when he was here we slept off and on and finally received a text around 9 15 am that he was born at 9 09 am and weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and was 19 ¾ long as we were headed to the hospital we started worrying about weather or not he would feel like ours but it was love at first sight it felt no different then if we had created him ourselves she introduced us to everyone as raife s parents which was wonderful to hear the birth father flew in a few hours later and we got to meet him as well he was kind of our one worry with the whole situation we didn t know if he would refuse to sign etc but when we met him we knew all was well this is turning into to quite the novel so i am going to skip over things and wrap it up three days later we met at her parents house to meet with the case worker and sign the paper work we were very excited and happy until we go there it was strange but we hadn t really thought about the other end having to see her holding him going through the paper work was so very hard we all of a sudden had feelings of guilt and sadness we loved this young mother and didn t want to see her in pain i found myself thinking keep him because i couldn t handle the mere thought of giving my child to another as she was about to do her faith was far stronger then mine she was amazing before we left she gave us a frozen supply of her breast milk she had been pumping i dare anyone to question a birth mother s love for her child in my presence because i have witnessed no greater love then that of my son s birth mother it makes me think of our heavenly father sending his son to earthly parents to be crucified its that same love we stayed in colorado an hour away with brett s brother for another 10 days before getting clearance to cross state borders and at that time we met her to say good bye and she sent us home with a months supply of breast milk she told us that she was doing surprising well that she was getting through this because she knew raife camden was where he was supposed to be we still see her and the birth father every few months and talk on the phone and send emails all the time they have become a part of our family we love them so much they have really appreciated contact but never acted like they were raife s parents it s mostly like they want to see us and we are all very good friends this may be weird to some but raife s tummy mommy has become one of my best friends she is amazing and i love her so much we truly would be lost with out them in our lives we know now why all those other birth mothers fell through because heavenly father had raife with him and knew he was supposed to be a part of our family we are so blessed and are very excited to see what s in store for our family next through heavenly father and adoption posted by brett and hillary at 3 02 pm 5 comments friday april 23 2010 my grandpa 12 27 1927 to 4 23 2010 my grandpa was tough but oh so sweet he was always there for me picking me up from a fall or cheering me on in the pool never one to retreat my grandpa was a hard working do it yourself guy someone in whom you could rely he was stubborn but patient my grandpa was interested in me and what i had to say never one to pass judgment he loved me in just such a way my grandpa was smart and handsome he knew things that i just couldn t fathom my grandpa loved to be outside surrounded by gods wonders he was adventurous and fun i treasure those days in the sun at lake powell the ice fishing and trips to the cabin my grandpa was gruff but so very cuddly always teasing always smiling he taught me all i need to know about love and i know he is looking down from above wondering what s the fuss let me tell you grandpa you were more like a dad i guess that s why i m so sad i didn t think my love for you could be any stronger then i saw you through the eyes of my son and found a whole new kind of love i will think of you and miss you everyday we are apart i love you grandpa always posted by brett and hillary at 4 22 am 2 comments saturday april 17 2010 so much for posting once a month lol so i have been meaning to post our trip to the zoo last month and then our trip to yosemete with family and then my 10k race i am such a slacker i actually sat down to do it last week and then got a call from my mom saying that my grandpa wasn t doing well and that i should get in the car and come to cedar so i made an emergency trip to cedar and spent the week with my grandpa really hard but glad i went brett came at the end of the week to build the casket my grandma asked him to which turned out beautiful grandpa is still hanging on but getting worse daily i really don t want to say goodbye he has been more like a father then a grandpa but i also don t want him suffering anymore so i think i have made peace with it anyway now i will work on posting pictures posted by brett and hillary at 8 04 pm 2 comments friday february 12 2010 swimming so i have been searching for a pool that i can do laps in since august i think its really weird that fresno has no public pools then again every other house on our street has a pool so maybe thats why anyway i finally broke down and got a gym membership heaven i joined gb3 and it is by far the most amazing facility i have ever seen you could park cedar city s golds gym in their free weights section or their pool area it is crazy it has a 25 yard pool with a hot tub steam room and sauna the dressing room is huge with a ton of personal showers that are way nice it has a spin class room with like 100 bikes a separate room for yoga and all the classes etc a huge area for all the treadmills elipticals etc a section for the weight lifting machines and it has a childrens daycare area that has a little play house village and a big old play place like at mcdonalds seriously i feel so spoiled and my membership is only 29 bucks a month i love it so i am running swimming and cycling so i can start doing triathlons again and i am also training for a 1 2 marathon that i am doing with a friend in september at disney land i am so excited i forgot how happy swimming makes me posted by brett and hillary at 11 09 am 3 comments tuesday february 2 2010 our fam 2010 i am really really lazy when it comes to blogging lol but i am going to try and post once a month if it kills me this month i am just going to add our new family pics my little sister took them she is amazing they turned out awesome i hope you are all doing well we miss everyone now that we re in cali i always said that i prefer warm weather but i actually miss the snow my favorite clothing is for cold weather so its kind of weird brett is enjoying his second semester and its been nice for raife and i so far too because we get to see him more raife turns 2 in a couple of weeks sooooo weird he is just growing way to fast he is really tall for his age and weighs a whopping 35 lbs it kills my back to lug him around oh we also just met with lds family services and are starting the adoption process again i am already stressing out about all the hoops you have to jump through and am hoping we will get lucky and not have to wait forever cause we are ready for baby number 2 right now love you all boys vrs girls lol posted by brett and hillary at 2 06 pm 5 comments monday january 11 2010 new years resolution since its almost been a year since i posted something pat...