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dear briana skip to main skip to sidebar dear briana letters to heaven tuesday march 27 2012 5 years ago dear briana five years ago today you were all mine i was never a happier person the joy of being a mother is unmatched irreplaceable thank you for making me a mother now i imagine you at age five as i do every year for every birthday i still imagine you with bright blue eyes perhaps with curly dark hair like your sister you would be starting kindergarten soon learning invaluable tools that would inevitably help you build a career you would be making friends playing organized games and reading and writing i can t believe it s been five years it really doesn t feel like it s been that long your presence still feels fresh while some of my memories have faded most of them are still crisp and clear i guess i will always think of you as my sweet playful baby girl even at 3 months old you were so active you were close to sitting up you held your head up high played with toys smiled all of the time and made eye contact i just remember you always wanting to see everything one time at target i was pushing you in the cart and you were laying in your car seat you began to whine a bit so i put on my fingers and you quickly grasped them with your hands i then pulled you up to sitting position and just like that you were as happy as a clam you could see everything as soon as i laid you back again you started to whine i just smiled because you were just so cute i remember being so happy pushing you around so proud to be your mommy i felt so complete with my little girl my precious daughter your sister talks about you a lot now when she woke up this morning i told her it was your birthday she said but briana is in heaven i told her i know but it s still her birthday she is very confused not knowing how we will get you cake and balloons to heaven i am reassured in knowing heaven doesn t need cake presents or balloons i love you briana and you are on my mind today the 27th of march 2012 as always mommy posted by brianasmommy at 8 53 am no comments monday march 26 2012 your 5th birthday dear briana we are approaching your 5th birthday and i can t help but feel somber just thinking about it so many emotions revisit me this time of the year it s all bittersweet i remember the joy and elation of giving birth to you but the remembrance of losing you is just so overwhelming still i can so clearly think back to the early morning hours of march 27 2007 and feel the knots in my stomach knowing i was moments from holding you something i had longed for and imagined for so long i remember the shock and terror i felt when the nurse told me we had to be rushed in for an emergency c section when your heart rate kept plummeting i remember feeling faint and ill just moments before you were born but then i heard your voice and the world froze for an instant your cry was loud strong piercing all of my doubts and anxieties quickly subsided and i fell into a sea of calm then i saw your face wrapped tightly in a blanket your eyes were wide open to the world in amazement and utter shock i wanted so desperately to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was okay but i could barely move anything but my head daddy held you close to my face as i took in your beauty and said hello i remember holding you for the very first time an hour or so later your skin pressed up against mine felt so right and you laid there calm and quiet eyes wide open i remember pressing my face against your soft bald head and taking in your smell you were precious and holding you in my arms felt just as right as i imagined it feeling you were perfect in every way tomorrow will be hard though every day is a struggle with you gone i try to look at your pictures and appreciate those special moments we had with you i have to somehow allow those memories to take precedence over the others maybe one day that will come more naturally for now i just know i miss you terribly and wish things were different i love you and my whole heart aches for you mommy posted by brianasmommy at 8 41 am 1 comment tuesday july 12 2011 my briana briana my words can not accurately express how much i miss and adore you you have blessed my life more than i will ever know you are very much alive in my heart today and always mommy posted by brianasmommy at 9 14 am no comments hugs kisses xoxo this morning four years ago we were mourning briana s loss with incredible pain and disbelief today we still mourn her life was so short and much of my memories of her can flash before my eyes in an instant losing her has forced me to realize the delicateness of life and the complete and utter sadness of the finality in death my head starts buzzing with confusion and i ask myself what the purpose of all of this really is the purpose of our creation and of life here when heaven is momentously better sometimes life doesn t seem worth living when you re being plundered by grief and torment and it s all around us in ever nook and cranny spread across the globe it s hard enough to see it hit others but when it hits you it s like nothing else life can be and is ultimately very sweet even with its twists and turns life is about opportunity the opportunity to obtain life long relationships to experience love to touch a life to laugh to share to grow to make a difference life is worth sticking it out through the terrible times really just when your world is tumbling in on you it s nearly impossible to see opportunity all that is seen is opportunity lost gone in the blink of an eye today i still remind myself of why life is so worth living when i feel paralyzed by guilt and fear i look at avalyn and am quickly reminded she is why life is still good and all of the people i know and love posted by brianasmommy at 8 28 am no comments saturday may 14 2011 dancing in the rain dear briana sometimes people ask me if things are getting better or if i am feeling better in comparison to almost four years ago when you went away that s such a dynamic question some days i feel like i can truthfully answer yes to that question but other days i am not so sure if i can with all honesty like i have always said time does make things easier as the rawness of it all wanes but time surely doesn t heal the pain and anger the frustration regret it s all still there if i want to dig deep enough i hate the thought that i have moved on or moved pass what happened to you and i know that isn t completely true i have learned to once again enjoy the beauty in this world and in life but i know i still am not 100 where i once was and perhaps will never be i can now get through the day without a terrible breakdown i can listen to certain songs without crying sometimes look at pictures without sobbing talk about you without wanting to claw off my face still i love you with the same intensity that any mother loves their child and most likely with more i have learned that healing if you want to call it that is okay and that smiling and laughing is acceptable and that loving is necessary again i have learned that sometimes life isn t about waiting for the storm to pass but about learning to dance in the rain love always mommy posted by brianasmommy at 8 37 pm no comments sunday march 27 2011 my blue eyes your eyes follow me where ever i go you are always with me always tugging at my heart i promise to remember posted by brianasmommy at 12 43 am no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom blog archive 2012 2 march 2 5 years ago your 5th birthday 2011 8 july 2 may 1 march 4 january 1 2010 23 december 2 november 2 august 2 july 6 may 2 april 2 march 3 february 3 january 1 2009 25 november 1 october 2 september 2 august 1 july 2 june 3 may 2 april 5 march 2 february 3 january 2 2008 19 december 3 november 3 october 3 september 5 august 5 about me brianasmommy mother of two briana my precious sweets waiting for me in heaven avalyn my little firecracker fiesty and energetic keeping mommy on her toes wife to a wonderful rock solid husband of over 7 years i d be so lost without him view my complete profile