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this shortly after your loss i used to vacuum and pick weeds like crazy have a fit cry scream and or yell you can do this in your car or in the privacy of your home i used to sit in my car in our garage and let loose write about your feelings of anger in a journal make drawings or pictures of what your anger might look like tear them up and throw them away or keep them and throw darts at them careful with the walls talk to someone who is understanding about your feelings of anger meditate listen to soothing music get in touch with your spirituality in externalizing your anger you may avoid situations that can be damaging to you or loved ones around you in the long run if you purposefully express your anger your grief recovery may be made somewhat easier to bear and you may perhaps begin to feel a greater sense of control over a situation that at times can feel completely out of control peace until next time claudia p s don t forget pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day is october 15th check www october15th com for information about ceremonies in your area comments off on anger after a loss remembering your child after a loss september 15 2009 filed under bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage mourning stillbirth claudia 7 39 pm tags bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage stillbirth andrew and joseph s memorial stone the edgartown lighthouse my husband and i just got back from the island of martha s vineyard massachusetts where we attended a memorial ceremony for children who have died on the island at the base of the edgartown lighthouse sits a memorial site paved with stones engraved with the names of children of all ages who have passed away we discovered the site last year while we were visiting and purchased a stone paver for our stillborn twin sons the paver with the names of our boys was recently placed at the site and this was the first time we attended the memorial service there the service was incredibly emotional i wasn t quite prepared for my reaction considering we lost our sons eleven years ago this month as we approached the lighthouse and were given a map of the placement of our stone my eyes filled with tears after a bit of searching my husband finally found the stone and as i read our sons names i was overcome with emotion here at the base of this lighthouse now sits a marker of their existence that will remain for many many years to come i was surrounded by other parents all of whom like us were searching for the name of a child who was once a part of their lives and now gone from this earth forever as each parent sought out their stone their reaction was similar to mine first they seemed relieved to have found the stone then came the tears some placed flowers on the site others placed smooth rocks or shells found on the beach nearby nothing will bring back our children but in the words of one of the speakers that day the lighthouse will always be there a physical reminder of our children we can visit for years to come the lighthouse and pavers will never go away i took comfort in those words and thought about how true they were even though our children can never be with us again physically we can create reminders of them that can bring some semblance of comfort in the weeks months and years to come i have always found that memorial services bring me great comfort as they allow me to grieve publicly with others as does visiting my sons grave site after my sons died i planted gardens in the front of our house and place a rock with the following inscription we planted this garden and left room for the angels to dance there are many other ways we can memorialize our children here are some ideas plant a tree bush or flower that will bloom each year if you are really ambitious you might try planting a small memorial garden have a place in your yard or home that you can go to remember your child like a bench or a quite place to sit and remember them if you don t already have one create a memory box with some items that remind you of your baby this can include ultrasound pictures special mementos like a lock of hair piece of clothing photographs anything physical that connects you with your baby create a scrapbook of ultrasound pictures pictures of you pregnant or pictures of your baby if you have any write in a journal about your pregnancy and or about your child this may be difficult if you just recently experienced a loss but may be cathartic if you like to write keep your journal in a special place with other mementos wear a special piece of jewelry that reminds you of your baby many sites on the web about miscarriage stillbirth and infant death offer places for you to write about your baby and post pictures if you have any october 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day you can find the official site at www october15th com there you can find information about memorial services around the country there are certainly other ways you can memorialize your baby one of the greatest things i have done is volunteer work in my children s honor the work has helped me keep my sons memory alive and i feel good knowing that something positive has come from their short lives do whatever it is that helps you to feel closer to your child we all need that physical connection in some way to the children we have lost to bring us some sense of comfort and peace god bless claudia comments 4 remembering them september 3 2009 filed under bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage mourning stillbirth claudia 2 49 pm tags bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage stillbirth twin to twin transfusion syndrome eleven years ago today i found out my twin sons died at 24 weeks gestation two days later on september 5th i gave birth to them and saw them for the first and last time their short lives made an incredible impact on mine i will be forever changed by them and in many ways for the good if you ve read some of my other posts you may know they suffered from twin to twin transfusion syndrome a disease of the placenta please see http www tttsfoundation org for more information my husband and i received the diagnosis approximately four weeks prior to their death we tried desperately to save our sons as i endured four amniocentesis taps within that four week period the process was long and grueling i worried constantly but my husband never lost faith that our sons would be ok unfortunately the outcome was not good i ve learned a lot in the eleven years since their death i honor the twin s memory by writing this blog for others suffering the loss of a baby due to miscarriage i had two stillbirth and the death of a baby just after birth and share some of that information that i ve learned with you no one can truly understand the heartache of losing a baby unless they experience it themselves my sons legacy for me will always be one of hope comfort and understanding others that endure that same pain i volunteer for the hygeia foundation in their memory as well reaching out to others has been tremendously healing and cathartic i truly appreciate that you have reached out to read my blog it means you are taking the first or the hundredth step toward your own healing i can only hope my words bring you some sense of comfort and peace god bless in memory of andrew ulrich and joseph mark i will love you forever xo mommy comments 1 hope and understanding august 22 2009 filed under bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage stillbirth claudia 1 19 pm tags bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage stillbirth one of my oldest and dearest friend is going through a very tough time lately her brother in law to whom she was very close just died a very difficult death to lou gehrig s disease while she was at his funeral she got a phone call from her mother saying that her father had not been able to get out of bed for a few days and had now fallen on the floor and she couldn t get him up to make a long story short once they got him to the was hospital they found he has late stage brain cancer and only has a few months to live needless to say i want to be there to support her as she was for me when i gave birth to my stillborn twin sons at that time she wrote me a beautiful poem that i would like to share with you two angels in your garden two angels found your garden at this last summer s end to be their place of rest and to comfort my close friend to stay close by through autumn s glow through your grief and sadness to heal all your tender wounds and protect you from the madness so the frost does come and turns gold to brown so cold and empty would the winter be without those souls around then one spring morning hope comes peeking through watch it showered with love and joy and grow to something new when welcoming the summer warmth and the beauty that has rose have no fear or sorrow that comes with seasons close for two angels in your garden in their arms is where you ll be find calm and solace there and new hope where they lead i hope i can be there for her as she was for me at this difficult time once such tragedy strikes any of us and from my perspective especially after losing a baby we all need someone who can pick us up and give us some sense of comfort and hope for the future you might find this in a support group surrounded by people who have gone through the same experience you might find it in something someone has written or if you are lucky enough you have friends and family who will be loving and patient with you as you grieve during this difficult time i hope you find some sense of comfort and hope here i am thinking of all your angels today until next time claudia comments off on hope and understanding heartbreaking decisions july 28 2009 filed under bereavement support birth grief support loss of a baby miscarriage mourning stillbirth claudia 1 32 am tags bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage stillbirth i write the following with all respect to the grieving parents who have had to make these heartbreaking decisions from the moment we are told that our babies are gone a myriad of unimaginable heart wrenching decisions are thrust upon us that must be made within a very short period of time if you experience a miscarriage you may be asked if you want a d c or d e if you want to miscarry naturally or if you want to wait or do the procedure right away i learned from my training that you can be given a miscarriage kit by your doctor or hospital to take home in order to catch the remains of a baby and bring them to your doctor or local hospital some people save the remains to have a memorial service sometimes the remains are intact tiny and look very much like a baby still others may have to make the agonizing decision to terminate a pregnancy if a baby has severe abnormalities and wouldn t live outside the womb a baby s life might be severely compromised by it s abnormalities a woman s life might be compromised by her pregnancy a parent may choose to have an elective reduction if through ivf there are too many babies women may be asked if they want to continue their pregnancy or choose to end their pregnancy under any of these circumstances if your pregnancy goes to 20 weeks or beyond and your baby dies still other decisions are to be made you may be given the option of delivering your baby on the ob floor of the hospital with all the other expectant mothers or you may deliver on a gyn floor i opted for the ob floor because i very much felt like i deserved to be there other mothers in the same situation i know opted for the gyn floor because they didn t want to risk hearing any crying newborns if you deliver naturally you are given the option for medication to induce labor to reduce pain for nausea and or diarrhea i was given sleeping pills the night before i delivered because we were given the option of giving birth to our twin sons the night we learned they died or wait until the next day to deliver the decision we ultimately made a baby may be born alive but terminally ill and the parents may have to make the heartbreaking decision to take their baby off of life support a parent may have the option to hold their baby while he or she is dying once you deliver a stillborn baby or your baby dies shortly after birth the decisions can be overwhelming you may be asked if you want to hold your baby and if you want to have pictures taken there is now a wonderful organization called now i lay me down to sleep a group of volunteer photographers who will come into the hospital and professionally photograph your child you may be asked if you want to bathe your baby if you want your baby in your room with you for a period of time i ve been told you can keep your baby with you for quite a long time now although i would imagine the longer you keep your baby with you the harder it is to say goodbye phone calls need to be made to immediate family to tell them about what happened family may want to know who they should contact clergy may be contacted you may need to get in touch with someone where you work to let them know your circumstances you may be given the option to have last rites given to your baby and you may choose to have your baby baptized if you are christian funeral and memorial decisions need to be made whether to cremate your baby and what you want to do with the ashes you need to choose a cemetery and perhaps a headstone if you plan to bury your child a memorial service may need to be planned friends may need to be told if they don t know about your baby s death already the list can go on and on i m sure i am not listing all of the possibilities here virtually all of these decisions are difficult and must be made while you are in shock can t think straight and just want it all to go away hopefully there are good people on the staff in your doctor s office and or in the hospital that can help you through the process thoughtfully and with great care sometimes the decisions we make under such incredibly stressful circumstances can bring tremendous guilt and stall our healing often nothing can change the way things happened and nothing can bring our babies back we can t turn back the clock above all no one deserves to be judged for the decisions that needed to be made under these unimaginable circumstances the only thing we can do is try to move forward knowing that we did the best we could under the horrendous circumstances we were in at the time no one can ask more of us than that remembering your babies with heartache and love god bless until next time comments 3 i ll be there july 8 2009 filed under bereavement support grief support loss of a baby miscarriage mourning stillbirth claudia 12 51 am while watching excerpts from the michael jackson memorial service i couldn t help but wonder where all those people were during michael s time of need accused of child molestation at one...