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Text of the page (random words):
one do you have vatican approval no i answered but it is a matter of the utmost urgency i m sure the benevolent one will understand if you will please make an exception the christian patriarch understands all i shall put you through she said softly and i was connected with him the one in charge of customer service oh great lover of truth and light i addressed him will you suffer to answer a question from a humble unworthy servant yes my child he replied oh master of wisdom and keeper of charity where is deep river page 23 he said may the lord bless you and keep you and endow you monthly with wealth and an abundance of long distance telephone calls then he hung up with a gentle click awestruck by the religious experience i d just been through i quietly replaced the receiver in its cradle no church service had ever been like this it was like a direct line to the almighty who if he were located on earth would out of necessity be the ceo of the telephone company in order to maintain the equivalent measure of power he enjoyed in heaven after considering whether or not the current ceo could walk across the connecticut river unaided by a bridge i remembered my original purpose and picked up the directory once again what had he said page 23 i turned to the twenties no deep river and what was worse no page 23 until i looked closer page 23 was stuck between pages 22 and 24 i disengaged it and looked upon the deep river listings a full half page of them the first half was comprised of a listing of town offices all of course with the same telephone number after each one a tear trickled from the corner of my eye as i counted up the population of deep river on one hand with fingers to spare i did find a listing for the boy scouts of america oddly enough with that in mind i phoned and arranged for an interview about scouting in deep river i got a pulitzer prize worthy scoop about the town s negligence in providing the boy scouts with a place to meet and hold functions the fellow i spoke with had been the scout leader for the last 35 years but didn t have a whole lot to do since no one had joined his scout troop ever it was my considered opinion that if a meeting place had been erected he would have moved in there lock stock and torn tee shirt anything to escape the rabbit hutch he was presently inhabiting along with six dogs and twelve cats which if the fragrance filling the house was any indication he never let outside and the noise the dogs tore at the cats and the cats scratched at the dogs until it was no longer possible to determine which was which unless you judged by height and amount of blood as soon as i was able i beat a hasty retreat from the premises after i dried my tears and blew my nose on my interview i drove to the town garage punched quarter sized holes in every tire on the garbage truck and poured five pounds of sugar into the gas tank there was a town meeting that friday at 8 00 posted by carson buckingham at 9 20 am 1 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest february 28 2016 insomnia explosives amputation i m an insomniac well to be more precise i m a depressed insomniac let me explain i ve had problems sleeping all my life but it had grown much worse lately so my doctor prescribed sleeping pills and told me to call him in a week to let him know how i was feeling after a week i called to tell him that the pills weren t working he was busy i left my number he never called back this game of telephone tag in which i was the sole participant went on for 10 days depression set in i didn t need this kind of rejection on top of being exhausted when he finally did call i told him that i was disappointed in the sleeping pills and now i was not only wide awake at night but wide awake and depressed he prescribed a stronger sleeping pill and put me on prozac i drove to my neighborhood pharmacy to pick up the 11 worth of sleeping pills and the prozac before handing them to me the pharmacist said you re not going to be happy about this so what i replied i m not happy about anything i m depressed he shrugged and handed me the prescriptions the prozac had a price tag of 162 00 for 30 pills if i was depressed when i walked in i was sure to be suicidal when i walked out what are these drug companies thinking they create a pill to effectively treat depression and then make it unaffordable i had no idea that the marquis de sade was alive and well and running dista pharmaceuticals these days now i m more depressed than ever and i can t sleep for worrying about how i m going to pay for this stuff each month i concluded that if i ever wanted another wink of sleep i needed to get away from all my stress for a while having no money i decided to stow away on an ocean liner it was a carnival cruise three days into the voyage somebody lit a match and the ship exploded we were all picked up eventually but as a result of the shark feeding frenzy i am now known as stumpy perhaps a good book would take my mind off my plight once released from intensive care on the promise that i would donate blood until my debt was paid which i reckon will be some twenty five years after my death i made my way to the library where after an hour of browsing the collected works of william shatner fell from a top shelf and hit me on the head i tottered back home to wash the stink out of my hair having neglected to take a book with me once clean and dry i flipped on the television a star trek marathon screaming and irrational i threw a boxed set of battlestar galactica through the screen tripped dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose the sparks from the ruined tv jumped to the blood and delivered a shock that turned my finger and toe nails black and stood my hair on end once i got up and unplugged the thing all my hair fell out i m a shadow of my former self now i m not only sleepless and depressed but also mortally boat and ocean phobic short terrified of william shatner and bald with a nose like sylvester stallone there was only one thing left to do get rid of whoever was responsible for all this i had little left to lose literally and a jail term could only improve the wreckage of my life i planned my revenge carefully on the first moonless night i made my way to my enemy and planted the necessary charges moving back a safe distance i picked up the detonator and pushed the plunger die dista pharmaceuticals die moowhahahahahahaha i was of course apprehended can t run too well these days this afternoon there is a parade in my honor after which i will be released and driven to a brand new donated furnished home in the suburbs provided with a car and chauffeur and given a check for five million dollars carson 1 dista pharmaceuticals 0 game over i expect to get a good night s sleep tonight posted by carson buckingham at 9 00 am 1 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest february 1 2016 panthers produce aerosmith concerts i ve decided that there is no good time to get groceries no matter when you go weekends weekdays early in the morning mid afternoon or evening it really doesn t seem to make much difference and i ve tried them all so i know whereof i speak my latest foray was early in the evening on sunday my husband stij is an avid read that foaming at the mouth panthers fan and a week or so ago there was an important game on so he wanted to just do a quick shop it is to laugh walking into our local megamarket we observed the cheery banner of greeting above the door which read abandon all hope ye who enter here we pried a shopping cart out of the row that had been spot welded together and set off now understand stij is the easiest going person you ll ever meet this side of mahatma gandhi but he won t trust me to drive his truck since i told him i used to participate in demolition derbies the fact that it took a great deal of skill on my part to come out of one of those things with only a couple of dented fenders left him unimpressed all he had to hear was demolition derby and the driver s seat suddenly became an unattainable goal all this by way of saying that we do the grocery shopping together since i am sans automobile at the moment but as i said he s an easy guy to be around so i don t mind except during football season we d barely stepped over the threshold of the store and the first thing he did was check his watch he did this twelve more times before we even got to the produce aisle where i like to start my shopping what do you want to eat this week i asked food came his helpful reply for veggies how about some green beans carrots and cauliflower fine fine fine just get it and let s get going he muttered checking his watch again by the time we got half way through the store the whole endeavor became less like shopping and more like fleeing from aisle to aisle i was grabbing and tossing blindly while he shouted at one innocent bystander after another to move your bovine carcass out of the way ok so we made it to the bread aisle which is the last one watch checking had escalated to every other second i was wheezing soaked in sweat and dangerously dehydrated i grabbed what i i hoped wasn t some frou frou artisan bread made with twigs seeds and gravel and we rounded the bend on two wheels at 90 mph only to be stopped dead at ta da the checkout lines the lines were seventeen deep at the end people were getting married babies were being born and old people who were young when they got into line were dying there was even a house being built at the end of the queue at register three stij commented come on we re not waiting in these lines are you proposing we embark on a life of crime no just leave it patience is a virtue yeah and silence is golden this was accompanied by a look that can open coconuts at twenty paces and close mouths instantly come on sighing i abandoned our loaded card and followed him out to the truck did i say followed it was more like sprinted by the time i caught up he was already driving out of the parking lot and was irked to have to slow down to forty or so so i could jump in fortunately we don t live too far away from the grocery store and a good thing too the g force on that short ride rivaled anything nasa could come up with and pinned my cheeks back to my ears into the house we dashed he for the television i for the phone where the plastic surgeon is on speed dial after a brief confab with dr karloff i hung up with an appointment and yet another admonition to stay out of the truck on football nights i expected to hear the tv blaring when i walked out of the bedroom but there wasn t a sound fearing for the bric a brac lest his sports lifeline had inexplicably given up the ghost i ventured cautiously into the living room he was sitting there in the dark this was not good it was 8 02 wasn t the game supposed to start at 8 00 i asked yes 8 00 tomorrow night i shook my head nothing is worse for a north carolina football fan than pantherus interruptus do you mean to tell me that i look like i just spent two hours in the front row of an aerosmith concert for nothing yeah but look at the bright side we can go back to the grocery store now and ex cuse me never mind forget i said anything he spent the entire evening sulking and staring into space but it gave me a great idea for valentine s day i m going to skip the lingerie this year i m really going hard core i m going to buy myself an official panthers football jersey posted by carson buckingham at 9 13 am 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels north carolina panthers january 23 2016 wal mart hammertime the civil war for those of you who have always wondered about the answers to the odd questions people sometimes ask wonder no more here are the answers do fish drink water no fish drink johnnie walker black why do cats purr to give you a sporting chance to get your hand out of the way before they clip it off at the wrist and bury it in their litter box what is zulu time it s like hammertime but in ¾ what is the lowest point on earth walmart how many people died in the civil war lots what does the information on our money represent how screwed we are is pinto a breed of horse or just a color it is an exploding car what caused the great depression of 1929 the lower hemlines of 1928 has a u s vice president ever been assassinated no nobody gives enough of a crap to bother why did custer choose garry owen as his regimental song because hit me with your best shot seemed somehow inappropriate what was the last song the musician on the titanic played splish splash i was takin a bath what is the religious makeup of the united states l oreal what is the star closest to our sun leonardo dicaprio how did the sport of hockey get started two kids beating the crap out of each other on a frozen pond what is the book that the statue of liberty is holding zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance what caused the fire that destroyed san francisco swatch friction what part of the world gets the most rain any part that has an outdoor wedding scheduled will hot water freeze faster than cold water don t be a moron posted by carson buckingham at 10 15 am 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest december 29 2015 pot roasts fires the new year this year in the buckingham household we have begun what i hope will become a tradition no it isn t considered a tradition to avoid burning down the house that is more of a rule inscribed on the third tablet that moses dropped and broke by mistake take from that what you will at any rate last year on january first stij and i each put an empty mason jar on our respective desks it was our job when something terrific happened all during the year to write it down on a scrap of paper and put it in the jar on new year s eve we will open up the jars and read the contents aloud as a way of expressing our gratitude for the good things life has brought us during the previous year we decided to open them a day or two early on this the inaugural year here s how it went okay who goes first i will stij said fishing out a piece of paper he read had the fire extinguishers recharged and that s a terrific thing from last year remember the pot roast oh right okay my turn i unfolded my paper made pot roast well i guess that s a wash bought a new ride on mower you sure pick some odd things to put in your jar drove ride on mower through neighbor s prize winning petunia bed talk about me how is that a great thing it got you that new ride on mower you wanted didn t it stij shook his head as if trying to clear water from his ears remodeled living room i opened my slip of paper saved the bric a brac by setting fire to a giant homemade loaf of bread that attacked the living room remodeled the kitchen remind me of why you had to do that exploding lasagne oh right but the salad was good as i remember you have the memory of a dead elephant the salad ...